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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She doesn't talk to me AT ALL

323 replies

LessConversation · 19/05/2017 07:34

Me (to colleague) 'Good morning! Did you have a nice evening?'
Her 'yes'
Me 'did you do anything special?'
Her 'no'

And that is it for the rest of the morning. No small talk. AT ALL. We sit in silence.

Just us two in an office - it is driving me insane.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Kittymum03 · 19/05/2017 09:03

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 19/05/2017 09:04

Have you tried talking to her about her work rather than her social life?

She is quiet, some people are.

Kittymum03 · 19/05/2017 09:05

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LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 09:05

Also you might be giving out the 'in your face' vibe without realising it.

She's doing nothing wrong. You have different personalities.

If she told you to shut up every time you spoke it would be rude. Making her talk is also rude

FinallyHere · 19/05/2017 09:08

Have a look at some HR tools on human differences (myers briggs type indicator is a good place to start) and give her some space... HTH

RockyBird · 19/05/2017 09:08

Please don't try to force this person to be chatty with you. They're there to do a job of work you say they are doing. That's her only obligation. She's not there to be your BFF.

You sound really annoying.

I like to chat in the office, but if a colleague is giving me short answers I take the hint and STFU.

Original poster
LessConversation · 19/05/2017 09:08

She has been there 2 years. I am not talking about constant inane chatter but stuff relevant to work would be good.

Eg she has put her tasks on a job sheet and shared it with me (work comes in from all over the business). If I say to her 'what are you working on?' she doesn't actually tell me but refers me to the sheet.

This is her first job from uni.

I have mentioned it in her appraisal as it has been raised by other colleagues too (so at least I know it's not just me).

Off to work soon, will let you know how it goes!

OP posts:
Clandestino · 19/05/2017 09:10

How about you take her out for lunch? Would she mellow?

Schoolchoicesucks · 19/05/2017 09:11

I used to work in an office where everyone was generally chatty & sociable, but one guy would spend half his time chatting to colleagues & the rest on the phone to his mum/brother/girlfriend. He used to have to stay at work til 9/10 every night to actually get his work done. I became really good at blocking him out - I'd be polite & join in the odd chat, but I wanted to do my work & leave on time!
Now I work in an office a bit like the OP. I miss that guy!

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 19/05/2017 09:12

Well it sounds as if she is not communicating on work related matters either which is different.

Kittymum03 · 19/05/2017 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

unapaloma · 19/05/2017 09:24

Please don't try to force this person to be chatty with you. They're there to do a job of work you say they are doing. That's her only obligation.
This ^
She doesn't need to chat about her life, she really doesn't. Especially with you being her boss, its really inappropriate for you to push her (please don't start asking more specific questions as some PPs have suggested, it would be really intrusive as her manager).
Where I work, you would be seen as a bit odd, people take a long time to talk about life outside work, and some never do - so long as they communicate well about work, that's absolutely fine.
IF there are work areas where she isn't doing what is required, talk to her constructively about that. But referring you to a sheet for what tasks she has sounds very sensible to me - I can't always remember everything when put on the spot with a question like that, she may just want to make sure she gives you a full and correct answer.
You have different personal styles, plus, you are her boss, which makes thing slightly more awkward. Try to separate what you'd like her to do, from what is needed for her job. Go for a coffee with someone you get on with from another team for your social contact. You could invite her - she'll prob decline, but if she comes she may be more comfortable charting when she isn't trying to work.

Original poster
LessConversation · 19/05/2017 09:27

stressful that worried me too but kitty sounds a bit like her. I really have no issues work wise.

Am sat in my car with Bjork's 'It's Oh So Quiet' going through my head Grin

OP posts:
Reow · 19/05/2017 09:29

Kokusai Fairly standard in my office.

We are provided with breakfast/coffee etc here (600 people in my building), most people roll in pretty much having just got out of the shower. Mind you we're a fairly informal office.

sadie9 · 19/05/2017 09:29

What Unapaloma says.

HelpTheTigers · 19/05/2017 09:31

I had a manager like this once, who didn't chat at all. Her best friend at work told me that she shared absolutely no personal stories with anyone, ever. We were a team of two and the days were very, very long. I didn't expect personal information or anything that she would have felt uncomfortable with, but a bit of chat every now and again would have made the days more pleasant and the silence less deafening.
Another colleague from many years ago would go in the huff for months on end and refused to speak at all, walking past me without glancing in my direction and wearing a pathetic smirk. He was a prize knobhead and I couldn't be bothered with him at all, but it didn't make for a happy and harmonious day, especially as we would be working and travelling together. Thankfully he was sacked after being found stealing and laying trails to his thefts that implicated other innocent people, some of whom had even been dismissed due to that horrible bloke. He even stole from other employees too and the company losses were reaching the point that the manager was also in danger of losing his job. -Not that I had reported to our manager, the theft that finally nailed the creep-

ravenmum · 19/05/2017 09:33

Could just be that she doesn't like you Grin but there might be other reasons - maybe spent the previous evening in a horrible shouting match with her stbx boyfriend or attending her best friend's funeral...

Could it be that she is painfully shy? I used to suffer from crippling social anxiety in the old days, and can say what would have gone through my head back then:

Boss: 'Good morning! Did you have a nice evening?'
Me: 'yes'
(Thinking: I went home, sat on my own and read a book because I have no friends. She probably knows I have no friends, why is she asking me about my evening? Is she noting my answer so she can laugh about it with her friends later? Shit, now I just gave a really stupid answer and the atmosphere is really awkward. Now I feel embarrassed about that. I should probably say something now. But I think I've left it too late. Fuck, she already knows I just sit there in silence all the time. Might as well just let her keep that image of me. And if I say something now she might expect me to have a conversation with her again next time. Not sure I could keep that up in the long term.)

Social anxiety is crap :)

Biggreygoose · 19/05/2017 09:33

Op. Be a good manager and take the bloody hint. Some people actually go to work to work and not make friends (shock ).

She isn't being especially rude, but is clearly indicating that even the slightest intrusion into her personal life is too much, even if others would deem it 'normal chat'. Either respect that or go full police interrogation, in which case expect her to quit.

The lack of communication about work could be an issue. When it comes to her task list, is there a reason you are asking her instead of checking the sheet? Perhaps she feels you are trying to desperately chat about anything. Bit of drip with this info, if there is a wider communication issue then that is usually symptomatic of a deeper issue. This can be very tricky to get to the bottom of as this as it could be personal or professional. How was she in her appraisal? Communicative or not? What issues did she raise? Or did she say 'fine' and you just moved on?

Were you involved in the interview process for her?

Ps. Anyone whistling at work deserves to have their eyeballs removed with a rusty spoon. Along with people who put empty milk cartons or ice trays back in the fridge/freezer.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 19/05/2017 09:34

Is there any possibility of moving offices (probably not I know)? It sounds as if she is just really quiet but if that is difficult for you to work with then you may need to take steps to improve that yourself. I think situations where two people share an office can quickly turn into a disaster if they are fundamentally incompatible. It is harder for you as you are the manager you will be expected to just get on with it / deal with it.

Kittymum03 · 19/05/2017 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goldfishjane · 19/05/2017 09:36

OP I say less and less at work
I just don't want to talk at work
She is doing a good job, you can get your social interaction elsewhere.

FurryLittleTwerp · 19/05/2017 09:36

What was she like at her interview?

I tend to get on quietly but will make smalltalk on arriving & at lunchtime.

JakeBallardswife · 19/05/2017 09:36

That would drive be insane too. I used to work with someone who didn't say hello. No basic courtesy. In the end I ended up saying hello to him until he had to respond. On Monday morning and ask if you'd had a nice weekend and on a Thursday afternoon I asked what he was planning for the weekend. Eventually we got somewhere. He did have a very dry sense of humour but just couldn't do chitchat. So we ended up having to have big discussions on various issues rather than just small talk. Weird but it worked for us. Took ages to get to that stage, over. Year!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 09:40

You say her work is good but then say she doesn't communicate with you about essential work things

Don't ask her for lunch - if she doesn't talk in the office she's going to find that really embarrassing

dangerrabbit · 19/05/2017 09:40

I'm fairly introverted like your colleague sounds and share an open office full of extroverts. Chats about what they were up to at the weekend, radio blaring constantly, makes it hard for me to concentrate, but for the majority appears to be an optimum working environment so my boss told me I just have to get on with it when I asked her whether changes could be made or if I could occasionally work in another building which is quieter. I do think your colleague sounds particularly antisocial but it does sound like different working patterns/styles. At least she's a good worker!