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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She doesn't talk to me AT ALL

323 replies

LessConversation · 19/05/2017 07:34

Me (to colleague) 'Good morning! Did you have a nice evening?'
Her 'yes'
Me 'did you do anything special?'
Her 'no'

And that is it for the rest of the morning. No small talk. AT ALL. We sit in silence.

Just us two in an office - it is driving me insane.

AIBU?

OP posts:

DownandOutinBeverlyHills · 19/05/2017 10:44

You were right the first time MrsDV

Yup, you should have stuck with your first answer Mrs DV

Starduke · 19/05/2017 10:47

I once had a client who was notorious for separating his personal and work life. His colleagues only knew he was married because he wore a wedding ring.

I joined them for a project, and after spending many hours cooped up in his office until late in the evening, he gradually told me a few snippits about his DDs. However, he never, ever named them.

Some people are just like that.

Another colleague only told people he was divorcing once it all came through. Again, people were unfairly annoyed, as though he should be spilling his guts to everyone.

Upanddownroundandround · 19/05/2017 10:49

What about suggesting a break like 'Oh we need a break from our screens. Shall I make us both a coffee and we can get have a proper 10 minutes off?'

It could be that she is very busy or conscientious at work and wants to concentrate. I sometimes answer like that delibrately at work to make the point that I am busy and want to get on with my work.

What about asking if she wants to grab lunch together or a half hour drink after work?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 10:50

Several people have explained why asking someone who blatantly doesn't want to talk 'what did you get up to last night' isnt a good idea

She doesn't want to chat to you, let her get on with her work.

She has made the fact she doesn't want to talk pretty clear - she hasnt told you to sod off -although she's probably thinking it-- please just leave her to it.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 10:53

Ah yes enforce some talking time with a break or lunch - that'll teach her

90% of my previous colleagues have been people I have no desire to know about - the PP who suggested talking about holidays... I'm sure she doesn't care where her manager's dream destination is!

If male manager was trying to draw someone out by offering lunch or a break it would be very dodgy ground. If it's just for your sanity OP then you have to suck it up I'm afraid

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 10:55

She's either shy or private - either way, that's okay

easterholidays · 19/05/2017 10:57

The biggest and most unfair difference between introverts and extroverts is that introverts find it really hard to express their needs, whereas extroverts do it all the time, which (sweeping generalisation alert) makes it much easier for an introvert to understand an extrovert than the other way round.

What that means is that introverts are constantly having to account for themselves. If you are an introvert, you sort of get used to it, but it takes its toll because having to explain your quietness, or need for solitude, involves exactly the sort of interaction which you find most difficult. But that is how the world works and you learn to avoid the people who genuinely can't (or don't want to) understand your needs.

Unfortunately that is much harder if one of those people us your boss! OP, as this woman's manager you have a duty to try to meet her needs as far as is reasonable and possible. What you are unintentionally doing here is disregarding her needs in favour of your own, which is unfair on her.

If you really want to improve the situation you need to try to understand where she's coming from, rather than demanding she change her behaviour to suit you. This article is a really good place to start.

Ravenblack · 19/05/2017 10:59

YANBU, however, people chirping and chatting constantly while I am trying to work, and in addition, asking me stuff about my personal life (which really grates on me,) would make me want to give closed answers too.

It's hard to get a balance. I prefer to work alone tbh, because I loathe small talk with people I don't have a damn thing in common with, and who I wouldn't give the time of day if I wasn't working with them. And I dislike getting too friendly with work colleagues, as I think cliques form too easily if you chat too much at work. So I don't like chatting a lot. And as I said, if people garble on too much, I can't concentrate on my work.

Someone hardly speaking would be preferable to me than someone chatting all the time.

Dawndonnaagain · 19/05/2017 11:02

She may have a slight trace of ASD - autism.
I've worked in this particular field for a number of years, and I'm autistic.
Would you care to expand as it's something I haven't yet come across?

easterholidays · 19/05/2017 11:03

Sorry wrong link! That one is good but this one is more informative on the basics, I think.

Good luck!

oldbirdy · 19/05/2017 11:08

None of you seem to have heard of low-profile selective mutism. This is an anxiety based condition in which people are able to make brief answers to direct questions but generally offer no additional information and neither do they initiate communication. This occurs in situations where they are feeling more anxious and that anxiety is often triggered by the expectation to speak. At home with people they feel comfortable with they can communicate normally. If your colleague has this condition she will be dreading that daily question. The very hardest words to say for SM people are hello, goodbye, please, thankyou and sorry - because these are 'basic politeness' and therefore the words they have been most pressured to say throughout their life and therefore the highest anxiety triggers.

I don't know if any previous colleagues mentioned on this thread had low profile SM but if they did please be aware that this is an anxiety condition, not rudeness, and that people with SM spend their lives being negatively judged for something that they are not doing deliberately. You wouldn't judge a person with a broken leg for not walking, why would you judge a person who can't say hello for being rude?

My son has SM and if he ever recovers enough to be able to get through an interview and obtain employment he won't be able to speak to most people most of the time. It makes me sad to think he'd be assumed to be deliberately rude because of it, when in his head he would love to be able to communicate like everyone else, but he can't.

barrygetamoveonplease · 19/05/2017 11:17

Oh come on!! I am as antisocial as they come at work, but even I am struggling to stretch someone trying to make conversation into bullying
The OP made a thread about it and is of the view that a subordinate should 'chat' with her. That is inappropriate and given their relative positions, it is bullying.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 11:17

Let's not try to diagnose the poor mare over the internet. The reasons for her being quiet aren't anything to do with the OP, and certainly not a bunch of strangers.

It's completely unprofessional as her manager to probe her for details of her life and even more unprofessional to complain about her being quiet on an Internet forum!

ExConstance · 19/05/2017 11:22

I put up with this for years and it stressed me out. I was offered another job and was just about to hand my notice in when my silent colleague handed me hers. Since she left life has been much nicer, her replacements (job share) are nice and friendly and always have a little chat in the morning and at the end of the day. We share gardening tips, places for days out and a bit of family stuff, lovely.

TheFirstMrsDV · 19/05/2017 11:23

Oh for fucks sake.
Why do I bother to try and appear intelligent

TheClaws · 19/05/2017 11:32

ExConstance - and OP - a colleague has to be chatty with you for your comfort at work? Maybe she just didn't feel the need to swap recipes and gardening tips - or she was just not the chatty type. That's okay, you know.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 11:34

But why should people have to chat if they find it uncomfortable or difficult? They are paid to do the job, not have to discuss their private life. It's great if you get on with your colleagues but if that can't be achieved then civility is fine

ravenmum · 19/05/2017 11:34

None of you seem to have heard of low-profile selective mutism.
Just because we don't use a term doesn't mean we haven't heard of it :)
Could be that, could be more generalised social anxiety as I described above, could be not liking OP, could be that her private life is currently not very nice, could be depression, BPD, any number of things apart from being "unsociable". I agree that it is really annoying when people just assume that you are being rude, though it does kind of reflect more on them really, doesn't it?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 11:34

Also the more that people try to drag me into their inane small talk, the less I feel like saying. And I can be loud and chatty but only with people who are comfortable with it

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 11:35

Does it matter why she's like it? She's not telling the OP to fuck off. It's the OP being disruptive and intrusive

DownandOutinBeverlyHills · 19/05/2017 11:36

Oh for fucks sake.
Why do I bother to try and appear intelligent

That's ok MrsDV it's nearly the weekend

gandalf456 · 19/05/2017 11:38

Wow, what a strange thread! Yes, it's OK to be quiet but it's rude to be monosyllabic and it would make me feel a bit of a prat for just being friendly and taking an interest in my colleague as a person, which is part of being a good manager, I think.

At work, we frequently ask one another what we did at the weekend, what we watched. Sometimes I can be like the girl in the office when I am busy or stressed but I see it as my problem, not someone else's though sometimes conversation might be better timed where I work as I often get stopped on the hoof. This works both ways, by the way, with perhaps my boss or another colleague not wanting to talk. BUT there is usually a reason for this and it is not ALL the time and not when we first get to work when it is totally normal to great someone and ask if they had a good evening etc, etc.

GirlcalledJames · 19/05/2017 11:39

Making at least a little small talk is a useful soft skill to have and it would be kind of the OP to point her staff member in the right direction.
Perhaps other office cultures are different, but I work in the most introvered place possible and these monosyllabic answers would be career limiting, as would the attitude that I come to work not to socialise and therefore I don't need to follow basic social niceties.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 11:45

its quite a good skill to be able to work quietly without disrupting your colleagues too. OP has made it clear it's an issue because she likes to chat - which is an odd managerial attitude.

We have someone at work like that - she says hello and that's it. She's painfully shy. She shares an office with several extroverts, they respect that she doesn't like to chat so they leave her to it

Talith · 19/05/2017 11:49

This thread is reminding me of the where the chatty colleague keeps trying to drag her more timid colleague into conversations.

It might be a bit weird but I think YWBU to try to force a conversation. If the silence is overbearing could you have a radio or some music on perhaps? Failing that earphones and audiobooks?

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