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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She doesn't talk to me AT ALL

323 replies

LessConversation · 19/05/2017 07:34

Me (to colleague) 'Good morning! Did you have a nice evening?'
Her 'yes'
Me 'did you do anything special?'
Her 'no'

And that is it for the rest of the morning. No small talk. AT ALL. We sit in silence.

Just us two in an office - it is driving me insane.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 19/05/2017 08:39

I'm naturally chatty but have had to tone it down in current office, we get government diktat decreeing we should talk quietly, don't yell etc.

With this colleague could you invite her for lunch, have a chat, see if she opens up a bit more.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 08:39

And it doesn't sound like there is an atmosphere, just that she's quietly getting on with her work.

If you don't like silence can you move to an office with other chatty people or put headphones on? I would say no radio too - if she doesn't want to
Engage with you, the inane chatter on the radio is not going to make things easier

SuperFlyHigh · 19/05/2017 08:41

barry but OP is her manager and if this colleague is an automaton maybe it could be something she could address in her appraisal, eg converse more etc.

Is she like this to do with work OP, does she speak up then, or is it just social stuff she's not into?

It really wouldn't kill your colleague to spend 5-10 minutes a day conversing with you. I'd make the effort.

SuperFlyHigh · 19/05/2017 08:43

Livia all OP is trying to do is ask a couple of brief questions to be polite and friendly. She's not after a breakdown of this colleague's night out!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 08:43

Automaton? Wow. To suggest picking her up in her appraisal because she's quiet and efficient is hilarious.

If she's shy then you can't force her to make small talk - leave her alone to do what she does well

Starduke · 19/05/2017 08:45

I once worked with someone who did not stop talking. It drove me round the bend. So although I like the occasional chat, whenever she asked me questions I'd be abrupt in the hope that it wouldn't set her off again. It was unbearable.

SuperFlyHigh · 19/05/2017 08:45

Livia actually you'll laugh, but head of our organisation had his appraisal and shared some feedback which was to be more visible and communicate with staff. Which he's going to do.

Kittymum03 · 19/05/2017 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 08:45

Which is why I said it's okay to ask 'did you have a good evening' because that allows for a yes or no and allows the person to elaborate if they want to - but not 'what did you do last night' - for most people they go home and relax, and it doesn't make for good conversation. And they feel awkward about saying 'not a lot' day in day out
M

jennymac · 19/05/2017 08:46

I used to work with a girl like this. Two of us in the office and she would literally tell me zilch! She was just an extremely private person and I am totally open about my life so we were badly matched. She wouldn't even tell me if she was going on holiday - I would usually find out that she was going to be off for 2 weeks by overhearing her telling a friend on the phone on her last day in the office! I would say this lasted for about 4 years, then she gradually started to open up and eventually we ended up pretty friendly. Just took a while!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 08:47

Super But communication between management and staff is important if relevant to work - chatting just for the sake of it really isn't.

And the woman isn't the OP's manager. Sounds like she's just trying to get through her work

LadyPW · 19/05/2017 08:47

but OP is her manager and if this colleague is an automaton maybe it could be something she could address in her appraisal, eg converse more etc.
Hopefully in that case they have reverse appraisals so that the colleague can say "you talk too much, you're nosy and you need to be quiet and do some work'.....
I would hate working with OP because I like peace and quiet. I think OP reckons that because she's chatty, everyone else should be too. And it doesn't work like that. Stick some headphones on instead.

alltouchedout · 19/05/2017 08:49

In my last job I was silent when working at head office because I hated the people and the culture. The days I was at locality offices and in services I was my normal chatty self but there, I kept my mouth shut as if I had opened it I would have struggled not to be unforgivably rude.
Some people really do just go to work to work though and don't see the point in chit chat.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 08:49

I'm confused as to why being a private person at work is an issue - people who feel the need to share every aspect of their lives with everyone can be annoying.

But then I have spent the vast majority of my working life saying 'STFU' in my head all day Grin

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 08:50

Perhaps you could give her times that she has to talk to you OP - 09.00-09.10 - discuss evening before, 1200-1210 - discuss lunch plans etc etc

ForthemanyNotthefew · 19/05/2017 08:51

Maybe she's shy or perhaps she avoids you because she doesn't like you. Sounds harsh, but she sounds civil enough with you.

ForthemanyNotthefew · 19/05/2017 08:52

And maybe she doesn't want to muddle her private and professional lives.

Janeinthemiddle · 19/05/2017 08:55

YABU. maybe she's just not interested.

Allthebestnamesareused · 19/05/2017 08:55

Yes - open questions are the way forward (rather than closed which require a yes/no). As a solicitor we were taught this as an interview technique.

So rather than - have you booked your holiday? Where are you going on holiday? (if they say nowhere). Follow up with a my dream hol is xx what's yours? Why is that?

Become that 5 year old you - what? where? why?

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 19/05/2017 08:55

Lady, we are encouraged (although it is unfortunately optional) to get feedback from both senior and junior staff in my job so kind of like a reverse appraisal (public sector).

NavyandWhite · 19/05/2017 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

superbugged · 19/05/2017 08:57

She may just be worried that is she gets chatting and is a nervous person, that she will say something stupid and embarrass herself.
I've stopped talking as much as possible because I will say too much or something really stupid.
Could be damage limitation.

manueltowers · 19/05/2017 08:58

Not everyone is comfortable with chatting at work or mixing personal and work things together.

Maybe she just wants to come in, do her job and go home, and isn't particularly interested in forming friendships or chatting.

Lots of people work to live and aren't interested in going to lunch with people or chatting about their days. It doesn't make her wrong or a bad person!

Why not bring an iPod/headphones and stick some music on if you can't stand the silence?

purpleporpoise · 19/05/2017 08:59

Some people don't do chit chat, they might be a bit socially awkward. My DH is like this. He doesn't talk unless he has something to say. She might be a bit intimidated as you're her manager so is worried about saying the wrong thing.
She may actually just not want to talk to you.
Or even, she may not like you.
She's a good worker and that's why she's doing the job. Unless being chatty is a requirement of the role, I'd continue to ask her but not expect any further response

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 09:00

*Yes - open questions are the way forward (rather than closed which require a yes/no). As a solicitor we were taught this as an interview technique.

So rather than - have you booked your holiday? Where are you going on holiday? (if they say nowhere). Follow up with a my dream hol is xx what's yours? Why is that? - puts her on the spot, if she wanted to discuss holidays then she knows she can chat with the OP

Become that 5 year old you - what? where? why? Errrr aren't most 5 yo kids taught that that is annoying?

The colleague deserves not to be 'interviewed' - that's a technique to get information out of people.

I am actually chatty in the right environment but if I was working with someone who kept on asking me stuff I would close down to the point of ignoring them