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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish I could sometimes see my friend without her baby?

110 replies

avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 07:01

Hard hat on here!

Baby is 15 months and obviously when he was breastfed it was different. But now I think she's just in the habit of him coming everywhere she goes. As lovely as he is, it means we never get a chance to speak!

She has numerous people she could leave him with but I do think she thinks I'm as enchanted with him as she is and he is as I've said, a lovely baby but because of his age it does just mean every time I see her it's pretty much just a running commentary on what he is doing. She's also pregnant and I realised the other day that with two of them I just don't see how either of us can have a "proper" conversation at any point.

When there aren't alternatives it's different and you suck it up but AIBU to wish this little boy could sometimes be left with his dad or grandparents?

OP posts:

Solasum · 18/05/2017 07:02

Suggest something that she can't bring the baby to?

katienana · 18/05/2017 07:03

Why don't you try and arrange something like theatre, cinema with drinks or a meal and see if she's into it? Maybe she isn't comfortable leaving him, feels guilty, something like that.

Original poster

avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 07:03

I could, but the problem is they would tend to be costing money!

OP posts:

McTufty · 18/05/2017 07:12

YANBU to wish you could see her just adults. Children are lovely but when a child is there he or she usually saps up most of the attention and sometimes it's nice to have a proper catch up.

Mothervulva · 18/05/2017 07:17

YANBU, it's very hard to have a proper catch up when kids are there. Also, if she's pregnant you can't even suggest booze... could she come round yours for dinner in the evening once he's in bed?

Bananamanfan · 18/05/2017 07:18

Invite her over for a film night at your place or something in the evening. Or say, "i'd really like to take you out for afternoon tea, just the 2 of us before you have the baby." -if you can afford to.

TheNaze73 · 18/05/2017 07:21

YANBU

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 18/05/2017 07:22

YANBU. A child completely changes the dynamic, and parents often seem to forget that not everyone thinks their child is cute or lovely.

Original poster

avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 07:23

I'd like that but the problem is whatever it is is a temporary measure - the setting we seem to have defaulted to is her and me and baby makes three! And when no2 comes along them too.

I suppose there's not really any way around it other than being rude which I won't be but I do feel like it's affecting our friendship as we just can't talk. I told her something the other day and she was very 'huh? What? You didn't tell me!' when actually I did but it was interspersed with baby's shouts and coos so she obviously didn't hear!

OP posts:

Laiste · 18/05/2017 07:25

Is this evenings as well? Will she not come out after his bedtime?

NavyandWhite · 18/05/2017 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whynotnowbaby · 18/05/2017 07:27

Well I don't know her circumstances and you do say she has people who could have him but maybe it's not as easy as you think. From my own point of view I have various people who will babysit on occasion but I would either have to pay them or feel I would then be unable to ask for quite a while after as they had done me a favour. I tend to save up those favours for things I really can't take ds to. In reality I generally miss out on things that aren't suitable for bringing a baby to. I wish I could meet people baby free occasionally but it rarely happens.

PurpleDaisies · 18/05/2017 07:28

Do you think she'd be really offended if you just said you'd like to go out, just the two of you? If she's a good friend I can't see why she would be.

BikeRunSki · 18/05/2017 07:29

Do you know that all the people age could leave the baby with actually would have him?

NavyandWhite · 18/05/2017 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laiste · 18/05/2017 07:31

I'm thinking my Q sounded daft. I meant - are you getting together in the evening/late evening and she still brings him with her?

You say there's a dad on the scene, do they live with him or would she have to arrange for him to come over for that eve?

Only1scoop · 18/05/2017 07:33

YANBU
Suggest child unfriendly places or meet of an evening?

Original poster

avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 07:34

Thanks for all being nice - I honestly thought I was going to get my arse flamed!

I think saying it like that would come over a bit snidely Purple, to be honest ... he is her PFB and the best, most talented, clever, funniest, amazing baby ever (he's also the worst sleeper, most difficult eater and so on ... )

We've done a couple of things like cinema, concerts, musicals but these are expensive so very infrequent obviously.

Whynot, I know, but asking her husband to have him for two hours in the afternoon on a Saturday isn't really the same! I don't know, I think it has just become the two of them, a pair, really. It's sweet in a way but he's obviously st that slightly awkward age where he is mobile and restless and starting to be vocal but can't really communicate. I anticipate another 3 years or so of awkward age-ness?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 18/05/2017 07:37

It doesn't have to be snidely. I've had that conversation and you just need to say that you miss your adult chats and you'd love to meet just he two if you.

PenelopeFlintstone · 18/05/2017 07:37

Just hang in there. She can't drink now but once she's had baby number two she'll probably be dying for a night out. Make it at a bar.

howthelightgetsin · 18/05/2017 07:40

I used to think this about my friend, well kind of still do. When she was young fair enough but after she had stopped feeding she would bring her when her DH was just at home and it bugged me - not just because of the adult conversation bit but also because of the sexism of it. Even at one the baby went everywhere with the mother on weekends and not the dad.
I'm breastfeeding and I bring my baby 80% of the time but he's old enough to be left for an odd hour or two with his dad so I can pop out for a coffee or lunch on a weekend, and I think it's important that he does spend time equally with both parents on weekends.

Original poster

avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 07:40

Ah well, not really - we've never really done the going out getting smashed thing, not since we were 22 or so! I mean, although I have gone out for drinks with her it's never really been for that sole purpose, it's been a gin and tonic before a concert or similar. I'm pretty much teetotal anyway; despite being pregnant she's the one who likes booze! (Not when expecting!)

Purple I know but I do think she'd take it that way to be honest.

OP posts:

AvoidingCallenetics · 18/05/2017 07:40

Baby has a dad though. It isn't as if she is a single parent and has to save up babysitting favours for really important stuff. I bet the dad doesn't go everywhere with the baby.
I think you can only really get around this by suggesting activities like cinema or non child friendly restaurant. If you ask outright, she will be offended and see it as a slight against her baby.
I do wish that women would remember that they are not only mothers and make an effort to maintain their friendships. I don't really understand the thinking where women assume that all their friends want to hear about is the baby. I have a friend whose dc is nearly a teen and even now is the sole topic of conversation for my friend. The child is lovely, but I honestly just dont care about their latest sporting achievement etc.

Original poster

avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 07:42

I know avoiding and as such MY children never get asked about either. And they are lovely!

OP posts:

Foggymist · 18/05/2017 07:46

I would say she just can't be arsed with proper conversation, and is too wrapped up in still showing him off to you. I have a 2 year old and have still managed to have meet ups and maintain conversations with friends who don't have children or even when 2-4 of us have brought toddlers along, as I don't often have childcare. We've always brought toys, or just sat and chatted, this is all through the crazy "get back here/stop/no!" young toddler stages. Yes we've to get up or get distracted now and again but we still listen and hear what others are saying because we want to and make the effort to.

I second suggesting afternoon tea without him as a treat before the new baby comes if you can afford it, if she says no I think she's confirming my point, she doesn't want to chat because he's too amazing to leave at home and look how funny/cute/adorable he is to everyone

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