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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I could sometimes see my friend without her baby?

110 replies

avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 07:01

Hard hat on here!

Baby is 15 months and obviously when he was breastfed it was different. But now I think she's just in the habit of him coming everywhere she goes. As lovely as he is, it means we never get a chance to speak!

She has numerous people she could leave him with but I do think she thinks I'm as enchanted with him as she is Blush and he is as I've said, a lovely baby but because of his age it does just mean every time I see her it's pretty much just a running commentary on what he is doing. She's also pregnant and I realised the other day that with two of them I just don't see how either of us can have a "proper" conversation at any point.

When there aren't alternatives it's different and you suck it up but AIBU to wish this little boy could sometimes be left with his dad or grandparents?

OP posts:
HoldBackTheRain · 18/05/2017 07:47

As a SP to a DS with aspergers/anxiety/OCD I don't often get free time to socialise without him - and I know some of my 'friends' and work colleagues resent that or think that I should leave him on his own now he's 17 (if I could I would!) It's pretty shit to be honest, to know that people would rather see you on your own without your child when you don't have a choice.

stopmoaningpip · 18/05/2017 07:48

I have the opposite problem - I have friends I'd like to sometimes see without my toddler, but I know they want to see him (don't think I'm imagining this...) so have to take him with me....

HoldBackTheRain · 18/05/2017 07:48

I know in your case OP your friend has lots of people she can leave him with so our circumstances are different so not having a go BTW

morningconstitutional2017 · 18/05/2017 07:48

I see what you mean. With a child in tow it's difficult to even get a sentence out without being interrupted as they tend to be the centre of attention. Now she's expecting baby no. 2 ...
I think you just have to accept that the dynamics of the friendship have changed and it's always going to be different from now on unless you can tactfully persuade her to have a 'childfree' meeting.

Wando1986 · 18/05/2017 07:51

Get meerkat movies. For £4 holiday insurance you dont even need you will get 2 for 1 cinema tickets all year. Go the cinema with her then :)

Original poster
avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 07:52

Why post then, Hold? I'm not having a go, I'm just genuinely wondering why you've included such an emotive post and then acknowledged it's a totally different situation. It sounds hard for you Flowers almost adult children with additional needs is worlds apart from a NT, lovely but normal baby/toddler who is the Best Baby Ever!

I think you're right morning. If I'm honest she's always been a tiny bit inward looking where I'm concerned, it has frustrated me before but she's a great friend in other respects so live and let live. But toddlers are hard going when they belong to you, never mind other people's!

OP posts:
Movingin2017 · 18/05/2017 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpiritedLondon · 18/05/2017 07:54

I don't see why a night out has to be expensive. You can go to a nice bar and drink soft drinks and have a catch up. Alternatively find a voucher and go to Pizza Express or similar for an evening. If she's not prepared to do that then I would say you've got a martyr on your hands and you need to accept her friendship with her conditions or try to find some slightly more balanced friends.

Laiste · 18/05/2017 07:54

So - and sorry but i'm still not getting this Grin - if you ask her round to yours for a coffee and good old gossip in the evening she still brings him?

My best mate and i had 6 kids under 5 between us at one stage. And we were pretty skint. We would all get together in the day sometimes, but for a proper talk we'd get together after about half 7 or 8 in the evening at either house after all the kids were in their respective beds. Babies too. Yes, we would sometimes have to see to one of them for a few moments, but in the main they were upstairs asleep and we could chat.

What happens when you have her at yours for a late evening? She still brings him?

MrsChopper · 18/05/2017 07:56

Thing is you say she has lots of people she could leave baby with. But you don't know the dynamics of their relationship, meaning that she might not be able to ask them to babysit often. Or some may charge her. Or she might be olain uncomfortable leaving baby with others and may reserve this for 'special occasions' only. With her being pregnant she is probably exhausted after baby goes to bed. For a lot of people it's not as easy as you think. But I'd suggest you have a word with her and see what she says.

Original poster
avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 07:57

Just that I wouldn't see us going to the city to drink Coke! Plus, (and I do have masses of sympathy with this) she's pregnant, knackered, and nauseous. I've never been a night time reveller really, thinking about it! I go out maybe twice a year. My friends and I tend to do things like look round shops, walks, lunches out. So maybe it's that - that I see her in the day when it's more natural for baby to be out!

OP posts:
Welshrainbow · 18/05/2017 07:57

Why not visit her at her house to coincide with the baby's nap time?
Also just be aware that although it looks like she has plenty of people Around her to look after the baby they may not want to or have offered or they may not be suitable to look after a baby. I have one friend I never see without my child in tow now because she's only free weekends and my OH works every weekend, it looks like we have a few family members around but none are interested in our child or ever really see him even.
YANBU and it is difficult but she may not really have an alternative even when it looks like she does.

Original poster
avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 07:57

Well, I know you never know the full nuances of people's relationships Chopper but I sort of do - we have been friends since we were 11!

OP posts:
witsender · 18/05/2017 08:01

If a friend invited me out in the day, I would naturally bring a child that age tbh.

Original poster
avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 08:02

Yes but I suppose with the more spontaneous stuff: if we are at her house and decide to go to the shops, he could be left with his dad, but has to come, even if he's tired, grouchy, playing ... but it probably is a daytime thing :)

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 18/05/2017 08:02

Some parents are just obsessed about their own babies and wil just chatter on not even realising that folks eyes glaze over it is very dull, you could suggest dinner to her just say why dont we have a proper catch up leave baby with dad

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 18/05/2017 08:04

Maybe she genuinely thinks you want to see the baby?! How often do you meet up? If it's only once a month or similar I can see why she might think that. My friend has an adorable 15 month old and I do love to see her with her DD! But we see each other 2 or 3 times a month with or without DC.

If you have DC I can see it would be annoying having sorted out childcare / picked a time when DH is around only to have a baby gatecrash! (well, toddler now really - I doubt LO is just napping in the car seat any more! Grin)

I'd suggest popping round with a box of Malteasers after bedtime. Keep it low key. A good friend and I used to meet in McDonald's in the nearby Asda for a catch up at 8pm on a Thursday!

Miniwookie · 18/05/2017 08:04

Could you meet at hers? I have friends with young dc and find we get most chat done if we go to theirs so DC can potter about playing with toys or,even better, take a nap! If you are at a coffee shop or even at yours they need constant amusement.

Laiste · 18/05/2017 08:04

My thoughts too witsender.

I'm trying to establish if/when this child goes to bed and why you can't get together in one house or the other after that for a good natter OP. But i'm not getting anywhere Grin

MrsJayy · 18/05/2017 08:04

Ahh she is pregnant dinner might not be the best idea if she is not feeling great

HereBeFuckery · 18/05/2017 08:06

How well do you know her DH, OP? Are you sure he'd happily have the baby while she goes out? Only, you'd think that about me - my DH is home at the weekends, and could easily have DD stay with him if I wanted to go out. I don't do that, though, as he makes so much martyrish mileage out of 'having' to do it that I can't stand the laboured sighing and exaggerated yawns of 'exhaustion'. Might be the same for her?

NoFucksImAQueen · 18/05/2017 08:07

Yanbu my sister used to let her boys interrupt our conversation every 10 minutes or so, usually for typical young child trivial things like look at my blue crayon etc.
I taught mine, even from a young age, that it's not ok to interrupt. I'd be midway through a sentence and shed be there listening then just ignore me to listen to them. So rude.
It made me not want to travel all the way to go and see them
If your friend is similar I can see how it would grate. Could you meet in the evenings once he's in bed?

Original poster
avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 08:10

I'm as certain as I can be that her DH would have the baby - as I say I appreciate you can't always know the nuances of relationships but I think it's just a habit now.

Lai well I have tried to answer by explaining I see her in the day - I think if I just rocked up in the evening it would be rather intrusive to be honest!

OP posts:
BluebellGal · 18/05/2017 08:13

It's a fair point that you want to have a proper conversation with your friend, otherwise eventually your relationship will suffer. I am very mindful of this as a mum with small DC but I think some people find their kids so distracting, they can't concentrate on anything else. So it sounds like for your relationship to survive you need non-child time together. However your friend might not agree to this so I suggest treading her to something she can't bring her child to - a spa day, dinner out, cocktails. She might not realise herself that she (and your relationship) could benefit from adult time. But be prepared that she may turn you down as some mum's don't want to be apart from their children (which is fair enough as it's their choice)

Instasista · 18/05/2017 08:13

I don't know. She comes with the baby now doesn't she? I went out without my children but only for dinner or drinks and even then I had massive over expectations and ended up having a crap time and regretting it.