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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I could sometimes see my friend without her baby?

110 replies

avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 07:01

Hard hat on here!

Baby is 15 months and obviously when he was breastfed it was different. But now I think she's just in the habit of him coming everywhere she goes. As lovely as he is, it means we never get a chance to speak!

She has numerous people she could leave him with but I do think she thinks I'm as enchanted with him as she is Blush and he is as I've said, a lovely baby but because of his age it does just mean every time I see her it's pretty much just a running commentary on what he is doing. She's also pregnant and I realised the other day that with two of them I just don't see how either of us can have a "proper" conversation at any point.

When there aren't alternatives it's different and you suck it up but AIBU to wish this little boy could sometimes be left with his dad or grandparents?

OP posts:
Original poster
avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 08:17

Oh our relationship will survive - I'm not going to fall out with her because of her baby! It's more a wistful regret I suppose because I do feel a bit surplus to requirements!

OP posts:
HappyEverIftar · 18/05/2017 08:18

YANBU

I have a friend like this. Child is adorable, but I really miss not having her undivided attention like before. I live abroad so when I see her it's 'toddler wants to see you too happy' Hmm and because I'm doing the whole family/friends circuit up and down the country, time is limited. She has a beyond useless DH who can't even boil water (no joke) much less childcare and they live remotely so it's always her + toddler. FaceTime and messenger can only take you so far. I completely understand your frustration.

NataliaOsipova · 18/05/2017 08:19

I tend to save up those favours for things I really can't take ds to

I agree with this. I have a friend (with similar aged DC) who always wants us to go out on our own. We are both SAHMs with similar aged children (who get on pretty well). So I feel a bit like that as well - don't want to take the rip out of babysitting and so think it's much easier to see her during the day when it's not necessary.

Whileweareonthesubject · 18/05/2017 08:23

I think yab a bit u. When my dcs were a similar age, I'm sure that even some long standing friends would have assumed I had plenty of people I could leave dcs with in order to meet up with friends. BUT, most of those people worked during the day, as did dh. Those who were not working were either too far away or too old - much as my grandmother loved my dcs, there was no way I could have asked an 80 year old to babysit a young child. And when they were that age, I hadn't yet built up a wide circle of 'mummy' friends who would help each other out. I would definitely have found it much easier to go out in the evening without my dc than during the day.

BluebellGal · 18/05/2017 08:26

From a mum's perspective, I would be a bit annoyed if a friend asked me not to bring my child to a day meet up. So you need to be subtle about it otherwise you will look a bit 'me, me, me'! But then I do try really hard to make sure my child is entertained so that I can listen to what my friends are saying and have proper interactions. But I do have friends with challenging DC who cannot have a proper conversation but she is totally aware of this and brings it up. For this reason she does suggest evening meet ups.

Original poster
avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 08:26

Ugh at "mummy friends"! I wouldn't use any mummy friends to babysit - I'm talking here about the child's dad! Or at a push grandma!

OP posts:
rightwhine · 18/05/2017 08:27

"Let's do something on Saturday baby free for a change so we can have a good catch up without gorgeous pesty boy interrupting. Have some grown up time" said with a laugh. See what she says.

chestylarue52 · 18/05/2017 08:31

Can you just state your needs to her.

"I'd like to spend a bit of time with you without DS"

Then ask her how it can be achieved. Offer to go round at nap time, after bed time.

erinaceus · 18/05/2017 08:33

Are you able to accept that is where she is at the moment? My experience is that this is sort of what happens when friends have babies. I love toddlers though and love to play with them, and tend to plan days out with my friends who have babies and toddlers around the babies and toddlers and just go with it.

You could let her know that you miss your adult friendship? Not in a whiney way, just in a "I miss our chats" sort of way, or agree to a phone call in the evening (depends on geography, might be weird, she might be knackered, etc).

I think that a spa day is a good suggestion especially if she is pregnant at the moment, but that does involve expense and childcare. If you are confident that the relationship will survive you might just have to wait it out?

StealthPolarBear · 18/05/2017 08:34

" Instasista

I don't know. She comes with the baby now doesn't she?"
Unless you mean the one she is pregnant with, why?

And t all the people talking about storing up favours / paying etc, the child has another parent.

HoldBackTheRain · 18/05/2017 08:34

I posted because even though my circumstances appear to be very different eg it sounds like she wants her baby with her rather than having no one to look after him, reading that you want to sometimes see your friend without her baby (which is fair enough) reminded me that there are people in my life who want to see me without me child occasionally too and it's quite hard. The people who have ended up resenting most of my time being taken up by DS I have cut out of my life.

Sorry if this was the wrong time, place and thread to post that on.

Laiste · 18/05/2017 08:38

Ah ok. So you want to see her during the day, you don't want to do be doing much (costs money, fair enough) but want her to come alone so you can talk properly.

In this case i think you are being a bit unreasonable then.

I wouldn't have left my young DCs behind on a day time meet up with an old mate for a simple meet up either. There were people i could have left them with, yes. DH IF he wasn't at work, grandparents IF they weren't busy, ect. but it wouldn't occur to me to do that if i was just going round to a mates for a chat, or to the shops. The care of the kids of an average day was my 'job'. I'd keep babysitting or leaving them behind for special occasions or awkward stuff.

StealthPolarBear · 18/05/2017 08:40

From a recent post by op:
" t I suppose with the more spontaneous stuff: if we are at her house and decide to go to the shops, he could be left with his dad, but has to come, even if he's tired, grouchy, playing "
She's talking about times when the dad is about

erinaceus · 18/05/2017 08:43

Can you agree to go with her to [softplay, Peppa Pig farm, the swimming pool, whatever]? This is what I do with my friends who have small children whom I would like a daytime meetup with. I suppose I do not feel the need for my friend's undivided attention though and my friends are important to me. I also have the impression that hanging out with babies and toddlers all day might be quite isolating for a new mum, so my friend might appreciate some adult company. Some of my friends say yes, some of the time, some of my friends say no to me going along. Things change when people have children, it's one of those things.

NataliaOsipova · 18/05/2017 08:44

Ugh at "mummy friends"! I wouldn't use any mummy friends to babysit - I'm talking here about the child's dad! Or at a push grandma!

But I think what you're missing here is that family dynamics are different. If he works and she's at home, then she possibly likes to "save up" those times she goes out on her own for things that she can't do without her DS. 15 month olds are challenging and often "want mummy". If she's out without DS, then maybe the quid pro quo is that her DH gets a day out on his own....all of which eats into the family time they spend together. One thing I've learned from MN is how differently people see and do things like this. What for you is a very simple "ask" may work differently for other people.

Having been the friend on the other side of that, I simply wouldn't have wanted to do it. It would have seemed like a load of hassle for little upside when I would get to see you anyway with my child. (Which, reading your post, was possibly unreasonable of me! Just being honest for the purposes of trying to explain the other side....)

Original poster
avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 08:46

They both work. So do I :)

No, I'm not missing family dynamics - what I'm expressing (because I can't in real life) is a wish, really.

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 18/05/2017 08:48

(Psst, HoldBackTheRain - I don't think there was anything inappropriate about your post. Don't feel bad. At all.)

NataliaOsipova · 18/05/2017 08:52

Could you make a gentle suggestion of a night out just the two of you before the baby is born? If you do it almost as a throwaway comment, you could gauge her reaction from that?

SooSmith · 18/05/2017 08:54

Drop her until the baby is about 16?

Cheby · 18/05/2017 09:01

I think YABU. Baby is 15 months. You've said you understand he had to come along while breastfed. Say he was breastfed until 6 months. So that's 9 months of opportunity. You've mentioned that you have been out together without the baby a few times; cinema, musicals etc. And that you see her regularly with the baby. And that she works and is pregnant. And that the baby is a poor sleeper.

Frankly I think you're expecting far too much! I bet she's exhausted.

I had a poor sleeper (admittedly still bf at that age), by 15 months I was balancing family time with working full time. Weekends were precious family time, baby sitters were reserved for very rare nights out with my husband. Your priorities do change when you're first is born; I'm sure things will settle eventually but maybe not for a few years.

TheLegendOfBeans · 18/05/2017 09:05

OP
I see where you're coming from. I'm a mum to a 15 month old and I'm slightly in the opposite position; folk want to see DD more than me and I'd rather leave DD with her Daddy and go up to London for dinner (no drinks right now as I'm pg).

However one of your posts really sticks:
Whynot, I know, but asking her husband to have him for two hours in the afternoon on a Saturday isn't really the same
The same as what? Two hours would give you a chance to go for lunch and have a big chinwag. I know you know but you have to adjust to the relationship changes too. Sadly as the friend with "no responsibilities" Hmm you have to slightly work round her as she's got a child; regardless of how much childcare or effective her DH is in that department changes have to be made; on both sides.

Two thoughts; I'm still not clear what it is you actually want. If it's some free time with her just put it in a "funny" way..."shall we go in a lady date, just you and me? DH can have baby whilst we while away the afternoon putting the world to right, what do you say?"

Alternatively (and especially with her having another baby on the way) you may just need to accept at face value your relationship has changed. It's sad but sometimes friendships can die when big life changes happen to one party. It happened to me after my DD was born and I'm still grieving that relationship now.

Final nugget of advice: ask her for "lady dates". If that gets you nowhere, dig super deep and just put up with her baby induced vapidness for the next three years or so. If you can do it - and you're normal if you can't - I think the returns would be huge.

END OF MASSIVE POST Grin

BluePeppers · 18/05/2017 09:06

It's hard. I've had the other way around.
I had a baby, wanted to see my friend wo him but she was most offended I was coming in my own and wo baby. She anted to be able to see him, have some cuddles and was even expecting me to wake him up from his nap to do so.
She was most put out that I didn't want to!!

Some people are just like this I'm afraid.....

Ginslinger · 18/05/2017 09:12

in the nicest possible way, you don't seem to want to take any of the advice that's been given here. If you just want a moan then that's great, sometimes that's what we need but maybe admit that rather than just saying that X solution won't work. People aren't mind readers, if you don't tell your friend that you want something then she won't know. Good luck

guinnessguzzler · 18/05/2017 09:13

I'm sorry but reading all your posts, it pretty much sounds like you're saying you want your friendship and the way you spend time together to be on exactly the same terms as before she had her baby. It seems like you're trying to spin it as 'I just want a good old natter with her' but actually when people are digging deeper and suggesting how you could achieve that you are coming up with excuses about why not. I appreciate that maybe you're just feeling a bit sad about what you have currently lost but if you were willing to try different ways of getting together (eg just go to hers for the evening) then you could still meet your outcome of catching up properly without the baby. I'm not sure if that is what you really want though as you seem more focused on wanting her to prioritise your wants over the baby.

In any case, this is, as a previous poster said, just where she is in her life right now. In a few years the kids will be on playdates left right and centre and she'll have more free time to do the things you enjoy doing with her.

Whack · 18/05/2017 09:15

How boring. YANBU. You don't need to apologise for wanting to see your friend without her child of all she is going to do is coo over him. Different if she has no childcare and she will leave him to sleep etc as she chats but to make him a focal point of every meet- just no.