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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I could sometimes see my friend without her baby?

110 replies

avocadosripe · 18/05/2017 07:01

Hard hat on here!

Baby is 15 months and obviously when he was breastfed it was different. But now I think she's just in the habit of him coming everywhere she goes. As lovely as he is, it means we never get a chance to speak!

She has numerous people she could leave him with but I do think she thinks I'm as enchanted with him as she is Blush and he is as I've said, a lovely baby but because of his age it does just mean every time I see her it's pretty much just a running commentary on what he is doing. She's also pregnant and I realised the other day that with two of them I just don't see how either of us can have a "proper" conversation at any point.

When there aren't alternatives it's different and you suck it up but AIBU to wish this little boy could sometimes be left with his dad or grandparents?

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 18/05/2017 09:17

I've got the reverse problem. In my case childless friend who adores my kids so much I've had to clearly ask to see them at times my kids aren't around and the two times it's happened have been lovely! Just tell her you miss adult conversation, that you understand it might not be easy to achieve that but is there any way it could happen.

MuncheysMummy · 18/05/2017 09:20

Sometimes friendships change and you grow apart,I have my husband and my lovely mum who could have my little boy (11 months) but I wouldn't choose to leave him with them to go out with a friend really unless once every couple of months for a friends birthday night out or similar. I socialise several times a week however with friends who also have ltttle ones,he's the main focus of my life now and I love that and wouldn't change it for the world. Sorry if that makes me sad or whatever but I'm in my early 30's I've done my times of being out with friends a few nights a week and at this stage of my life I want to spend all my time with my son and family so friends that fit with this I see most often as they are at the same stage. Perhaps your friend feels the same?

MuncheysMummy · 18/05/2017 09:21

That said I don't just coo over him,we often are chatting away about everything under the sun whilst the little ones nap and we walk.

Fliptophead · 18/05/2017 09:29

If she brings the baby, it's because she wants the baby there (or has a reason for not leaving the baby that you don't know). I don't see how you saying you don't want the baby there will go down well ever. She may not feel like "wasting" child care when you're not going out properly as she;s pg.

TheRealPooTroll · 18/05/2017 09:37

I think YABU. Maybe the baby isn't so easy when left with people other than mum? Maybe she doesn't want to leave him with anyone if it's avoidable?
You seem to be looking for reasons why you can't do any of the sensible things that have been suggested on here. Would cause offence, no point if she's not drinking etc.
What would be wrong with inviting her over for dinner at, say, 8 o'clock when the baby will be in bed?
If you're not going to ask to see her alone then you can't really complain if you don't get to see her alone.

P1nkSparkles · 18/05/2017 09:45

Being honest - I think I'm totally guilty of this. Dd loves to go out, so if I'm going somewhere my default position is to take her... it doesn't occur to me not to unless it's somewhere unsuitable.

However if my friends say things like (and they do) "urgh, my kids are driving me insane - do you just mind if we have a girly one, I need some child free time" or "I really need some advice... do you mind seeing if DH will take DD for a few hours while we catch up" I'm totally not offended & will sort out childcare.

TheRealPooTroll · 18/05/2017 09:53

Also noticed the op says the mum will take baby out even if they're cranky. When mine were cranky a change of scene did them good so I would sooner take them with me than leave them cooped up and cranky with someone else.

Only1scoop · 18/05/2017 10:25

Book lovely lunch at a child unfriendly pub as a 'treat' for her.
To be honest I'd have gotten sick of it by now.

innagazing · 18/05/2017 10:41

You say that both the mum and her dh work. I expect it's likely that her priority is to spend as much time as possible with her child at weekends.
I think that you just need to suck it up for the time being, or meet in the evenings. You could skype each other in the evenings for a 'real' chat though?

tigerskinrug · 18/05/2017 10:55

YANBU to want to see her sans child but YABU to expect her to leave her child every time just to meet for coffee. You have to either accept that she must like bringing her child out everywhere or else find a new friend to have coffee/lunch with.

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 18/05/2017 11:06

OP you say that you have children yourself and that they never get asked about by your friend. Presumably they are older than her DS. How was it between you when they were young? Did you leave them behind when you met up, or did they come too. Was she interested in your children when they were babies? I think the way you handle this now depends very much on how things were when you were at the same stage as she is now.

halcyondays · 18/05/2017 11:14

If you see her during the day, then I suppose her dh is at work and maybe other people aren't available or don't always want to babysit. You shouldn't presume that gps have nothing else to do other than babysit at the drop of a hat.

NoodleNinja · 18/05/2017 11:26

'Hey, could you meet up just the two of us tomorrow? Could do with some adult chat. If you can't get a sitter for baby no worries, we'll sort another day when you can'.

I don't think that message is rude but tells her you want one on one time.

LadyinCement · 18/05/2017 11:27

I don't think you can actually say you don't want the baby there. As someone said upthread, the most tactful way is to suggest something that is not baby friendly, and see how she takes it. You mention Saturdays, so you could say, "How about we have afternoon tea at The Poncey Kettle? I'm not sure they're very child friendly, though, so you'd have to leave Herbert with Dad." If friend objects, then OP knows that she is never going to shake off Herbert and then Herbert no. 2 in due course.

RTKangaMummy · 18/05/2017 11:41

Go for a long walk with toddler in buggy, you guys chat as you walk

PersianCatLady · 18/05/2017 11:52

I think it has just become the two of them, a pair, really
I wonder how the PFB is going to cope with it going from a pair to a trio.

Blueskyrain · 18/05/2017 12:18

You're not being unreasonable. She has a husband, so there's no reason why the baby can't stay with him whilst you spend time together. Yes, there may be times she needs to bring the baby, or baby free time may be difficult to arrange spontaneously, but just because she has a baby, doesn't mean that you have to spend time with the child to keep your friendship.

tigerskinrug · 18/05/2017 13:07

You're not being unreasonable. She has a husband, so there's no reason why the baby can't stay with him whilst you spend time together.

Seriously? Perhaps the mum wants to take her child out with her?

Blueskyrain · 19/05/2017 16:08

tigerskinrug

Fine, but the Op doesn't want her to. If it's just a want, then both people need to compromise sometimes. The Op does, because the baby is always with her, so maybe the friend should compromise sometimes too. The friend with the baby's wants don't trump the ops.

Sometimes I'd like to bring my husband places, but that doesn't mean I should every single time.

tigerskinrug · 19/05/2017 16:30

Blue I agree. Now that my dc are all in school I don't like to meet up with any of my friends when their dc are in tow. What I don't get is the attitude that the friend is being unreasonable to turn up with her ds. It seems she wants him there, in which case the OP needs to decide how badly she wants to see her friend.

I had a childless friend when my dc were small. I didn't have anyone to look after them as it was however she would always say "just leave them with X" (who was working full time) Mine were clingy, over attached to me and I probably wouldn't have been able to enjoy a lunch anyway had I had childcare thinking about them crying and whinging. We didn't meet up for years as a result, just kept in touch by text/email. If I had have had childcare and she gave me an ultimatum (or compromise as you call it) then I don't think I would have bothered. My friend has 2 dc under 2 now and complains how everyone is so child unfriendly

StealthPolarBear · 19/05/2017 16:31

Dads aren't childcare

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher · 19/05/2017 16:36

Totally get you op but can't see how you can tell her in a tactful way. Some parents actually do think everyone else loves their babies. Grin

No way round this unless you do evening things

WaitingYetAgain · 19/05/2017 17:21

I unfortunately don't have children but two my closest friends do. One is a single mum. I have not seen either of them since they had children without their children - so that's 8 years now. I didn't mind as I completely understood why they always have their children with them, but I will say that it completely changed the dynamic of our friendship. We have not been able to have totally adult focused chat or to do anything adult activity-wise because of course what we do needs to be child/baby friendly/occupy the children. So then we are all preoccupied with the children and I have tried to help out my friends/give them a bit of assistance as I can see how hard it is looking after them.

I think if you have children it is probably easier to suggest doing a childless activity and frame it as having a break/adult time. Whereas, if you don't have children (even if it's because you can't and would like to) it seems really inappropriate and wrong to suggest things that wouldn't involve bringing the children. So I have never done it and I don't see them as much as I'd like as a result. I wouldn't mind a mix of say 1 in 3 or 4 times we saw each other being just us.

ememem84 · 19/05/2017 17:34

I'm currently pregnant with my first and am worried about this. Obviously baby boy will be my pfb, my little prince. But I know only really I (and dh) will see it this way. I have a friend who adamantly doesn't like children. She's said she's happy for me being pregnant etc but has already asked that when we meet after baby if it can be just the two of us.

I sort of like the idea (although how practical it'll be I don't know yet). Nice to have grown up company and conversation. Remembering that I'm me just my "job title" has changed to "mum"

I'd gently mention it. I haven't been offended by it.

Sprinklestar · 19/05/2017 17:37

YABU. Agree with Guinness above. Your friend's life has moved on. You can't expect her to have the same priorities as she did in the past. Maybe she wants her DS there! Just because you think she should palm him off on someone else doesn't mean she thinks the same way. If you'd come on here saying her DH won't look after the baby and she's really down, can't get out etc, that's one thing. But it sounds like she seems perfectly happy with the way things are. You're the one who's clinging to the past. You need to accept your friend as she is now or move on. Your OP and subsequent posts make me think you're jealous of the baby...