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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send this text to my brother?

182 replies

NoCapes · 17/05/2017 20:25

We had a family birthday tonight so we're all out for a meal
My brothers gf is pregnant so we were talking babies as you do, and someone said something like "oh Capes would have 10 more if she could wouldn't you" to which my brother responded - "would you? Why?! You're shit at it!" His gf said something like "you can't say that!" But partly laughing aswell, and he said something like "you just give them to my Mum all the time when you can't be arsed"
Didn't want to get into a discussion/argument at the table in front of everyone including my children so I said nothing, conversation moved on and I left soon after

I now want to send him a text along the lines of this -
'Just for future reference, it is never ok to call someone a shit parent. Not that I have to justify myself to you, but Mum has the kids on a regular basis yes, this is for her just as much as it benefits me. She has them the same days every month and I don't ever ring her when I 'can't be arsed' or I'm not coping or whatever else you think happens. You are very very rarely around me or my children so aren't really in a position to judge my parenting skills, and if you would really like to have a discussion about shit parents I would honestly look a bit closer to home than me.'
The shit parent thing is because his gf (and most of her family) take their children to the pub almost every single night where the kids are left to entertain themselves, usually share a takeaway and fall asleep on the backrest - yes I judge them and no I'm not afraid to say it

So do I cause an issue, or let it go and basically be the one that anyone can treat like shit and say what they want to because 'it's only Capes' again???

OP posts:
MumBod · 18/05/2017 07:07

I'd send this:

"That was a shitty thing to say. Hope you're a better dad than you are a brother."

And not speak to him again until he apologised. Prick.

2017SoFarSoGood · 18/05/2017 16:58

NoCapes your brother is an ass. Don't give him the satisfaction - he will learn what's what rather soon, and then you may smirk quietly.

So very happy to hear update on GEG. I think of you often, and yes, I think there are rather a large number of us in the fan club Grin

JoanneB844988 · 18/05/2017 18:00

Ok so I have a brother like this.... I feel you. This is the kind of thing he said BEFORE he had kids. Shoes on the other foot now! Hahahaha. I would though say to my mum "brother said something that made me think you might not want to look after the kids as much..you would tell me wouldn't you? I'd hate to think you felt that way.. "etc
I would't bother confronting my brother - been there done that.

bananapants007 · 18/05/2017 18:28

Aha you've spoken to your mum and it's all being laughed off. I think that's the best that can come from the situation right now. Be armed with some witty put downs for the next time. That and watch how he copes with parenthood.........
My DB's best line to date, "Do you think it's ok that your 4 yo says no to you........?"
Thankfully I wasn't the only person who burst out laughing at that point.

SadieTheNurse · 18/05/2017 18:33

If it were me I'd tell dm you're no longer comfortable with her having the kids as people are making you feel bad about it. If she wants to carry on the arrangement she'll put your brother straight (& maybe stop the martyr behaviour) If she doesn't well at least you know where you stand
but then I'm a snarky bitch

SadieTheNurse · 18/05/2017 18:35

Oh & definitely send this

"That was a shitty thing to say. Hope you're a better dad than you are a brother."

user1479335914 · 18/05/2017 18:43

I would send it - its really well worded and to the point. But only send up to .. "not in a position to judge parenting skills", and leave the rest, which is criticising them - will only cause further argument. The first part is something that should really cause him to stop and think, and not do it again.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 18/05/2017 18:57

"That was a shitty thing to say. Hope you're a better dad than you are a brother."

I agree with sending this, or something similar to this.

The undertone of this text is that what he said is so clearly wrong, it doesn't need a justification and explanation from you, it was just wrong and he was being a horrible excuse for a brother.

Your long text reads as deflection (I'm not the bad parent your girlfriend's parents are bad parents, really? how is that relevant?), and a long screed about your mother's days with your daughter that would smack of guilt to your brother.

He will no doubt find out how wrong he was when his child is born and your mother wants to take care of him/her a few days a month.

BettyBaggins · 18/05/2017 19:06

I think you should get it off your chest or you will bite like a motherfucker next time he is 'funny'. But agree a shorter text like the Dad/brother comparison would be perfect or spend the time waiting for his next comment crafting the wittiest come back imaginable for all listeners to hear though that might be considered a bit passive aggressive!

Can I also say how lovely your Mum sounds and how lucky your kids are. I was very close to my Grandmother and she was such a wonderful part of my childhood, I stayed with her a lot as did my DD with hers.

SophisticatedSkivvy · 18/05/2017 19:07

I would certainly not let it go especially with the fact that he said that in front of your DC. Shows how little respect he has for you and the fact that your parents have never pulled him up on it on it says a lot. We have to TEACH our kids respect for each other.

I would send the complete text with an added 'FUCK YOU' at the end and not make any plans to see him in the near future. You should soon see your family's true colours. I totally the get 'it's only me, doesn't matter about my feelings' thing. I put up with it for years.

Did your parents hear what he said and say nothing?

I was taken by complete surprise when I found out that my mother was bitching ABOUT me to my siblings in the same way she bitched TO me about them. Divide and conquer is what it's called I believe.

jarhead123 · 18/05/2017 19:09

He sounds vile!

TooSleepyToCare · 19/05/2017 01:36

Your brother is nasty. You're not a bad mum at all! Hopefully being a dad will change him!

Ps absolutely over the moon that you and GEG are still going strong. A truly lovely story ❤❤❤❤

nannieann · 19/05/2017 06:23

Your brother needs to know that his seemingly jokey remark was very hurtful to you, so that he never does the like again. I'd stick to a short polite text or a face-to-face.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 19/05/2017 07:11

@NoCapes my brother is an enormous twat, he thinks he knows it all about parenting (no kids, and minimal experience of kids since he never bothers his arse with mine until his lovely gf makes him!) I plan to laugh my arse off when he has kids Grin
I'm thrilled things are going well with GEG, you deserve it my love Grin

shinysinkredemption · 19/05/2017 08:04

I'd agree with the rise above it approach. If you don't think much of his opinions in general, then what he says - probably off the cuff - about your parenting should be like water off a ducks back.
I would say to him, casually, "DB you were OBVIOUSLY joking about me being a bad parent, but can you please not say things like that in front of my DC, they don't understand the humour." He might be a bit "eh?" - but just leave it, and whatever you do don't tell him your opinion about his GF family, no good could come of that.
I would also say to your mum "I can't believe DB said I dump DC on you all the time - you would tell me if it was too much wouldn't you?".

Lovelymess · 19/05/2017 10:31

I would send a text, what he said was v rude. But could it be maybe your mum has moaned to him about having your kids so much? Is there a reason you have to keep leaving them with her?

Original poster
NoCapes · 19/05/2017 10:34

have to keep leaving them with her Hmm ffs!

Thankyou for the helpful posters (and fans BlushGrin )
And lots of Biscuit for those massively missing the point

OP posts:
Lovelymess · 19/05/2017 10:42

Didn't mean that in a mean way @Nocapes I meant is it because you work and she's helping out or because she genuinely having them so much? X

Lovelymess · 19/05/2017 10:43

Genuinely likes having them so much that was meant to say sorry x

Geevis · 19/05/2017 10:43

That wasn't a very funny joke was it? Who wants to be called a shit parent even in jest! I think you should definitely say something, maybe to him though calmly. What would bother me more than anything is him saying it in front of the kids. Until you have kids yourself you have no idea what it's like. He's probably going to look back at this when hes got his own child and think what a dick! Hope you get it sorted out. Amazing that things are still going strong with GEGSmile.

Waltermittythesequel · 19/05/2017 10:44

Capes, you're being a bit aggressive about people asking questions about your mum having them.

You were snotty in your reply to me asking what the benefit to your mum was, instead of just saying that she wanted to have them alone.

Why are you so defensive about it?

There are countless threads on here telling posters that their parents aren't obliged to provide childcare so you must admit it's not typical, not that it's wrong. But people asking for clarification aren't criticising! Confused

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 19/05/2017 10:50

Round where I live it's really really common for kids to spend a lot of time with their grandparents (and good for the kids too!) Also, knowing Capes from other threads, she's a shit hot mum and a wee break now and again is the least she deserves!

Original poster
NoCapes · 19/05/2017 10:53

Because they're family and family see each other? Is that really that unusual?
I'm shocked that people are shocked that a grandparent has their grandchildren - that is very very normal behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
NoCapes · 19/05/2017 10:53

Thankyou Saor Grin

OP posts:
SaorAlbaGuBrath · 19/05/2017 10:54

Grin Don't worry Capes I've got your back Wink