To send this text to my brother?

[NoCapes]

We had a family birthday tonight so we're all out for a meal
My brothers gf is pregnant so we were talking babies as you do, and someone said something like "oh Capes would have 10 more if she could wouldn't you" to which my brother responded - "would you? Why?! You're shit at it!" His gf said something like "you can't say that!" But partly laughing aswell, and he said something like "you just give them to my Mum all the time when you can't be arsed"
Didn't want to get into a discussion/argument at the table in front of everyone including my children so I said nothing, conversation moved on and I left soon after

I now want to send him a text along the lines of this -
'Just for future reference, it is never ok to call someone a shit parent. Not that I have to justify myself to you, but Mum has the kids on a regular basis yes, this is for her just as much as it benefits me. She has them the same days every month and I don't ever ring her when I 'can't be arsed' or I'm not coping or whatever else you think happens. You are very very rarely around me or my children so aren't really in a position to judge my parenting skills, and if you would really like to have a discussion about shit parents I would honestly look a bit closer to home than me.'
The shit parent thing is because his gf (and most of her family) take their children to the pub almost every single night where the kids are left to entertain themselves, usually share a takeaway and fall asleep on the backrest - yes I judge them and no I'm not afraid to say it

So do I cause an issue, or let it go and basically be the one that anyone can treat like shit and say what they want to because 'it's only Capes' again???

I would send.
I did not want to embarrass you at the table, but the remark you made was both rude and immature. Don't ever do that again.

Trouble is, it does sound like your mum has said something to him, or why would he make that comment, particularly if he's rarely around you and the kids?

My mum said I'm 'not very maternal' three times in a week recently.

I just gave her a quizzical look, a head tilt and said 'I'm not sure what you mean, is everything ok with you?'

It's taken me YEARS to get to the point where I can respond like that, historically I'd just have sloped off and cried.

Don't send the text. Rise far above it.

I'd definitely send it. Cheeky twat.

The problem with people who make digs disguised as jokes is that your upset is never taken seriously as 'you need to get a sense of humour - I/he was only joking' is forever trotted out and you are made out to be the unreasonable one....it prevents people from actually looking at their behaviour, their motivations in saying such hurtful things and taking responsibility....It is immaturity personified....my family have a habit of doing this and it drives me nuts...I have limited contact...

Not one to do by text

Have it all out on Jeremy Kyle.

I said DB is rarely around me and the kids When he sees them it's generally at her house, so he may well feel like she has them a lot
The arrangement between me and my Mum is just that, between me and her - that is how offen she wants to see them, I do not just drop them on her doorstep whenever I feel like it, she has them every month overnight and twice a month for tea - she prefers to have them without me around

Can we all stop accusing me of using her now? Thanks

I absolutely wouldn't send the text. Or any text. These type of comments need to be addressed on the spot even if it is just a steely look, an "okaaaaay" or a conspirital sarcastic laugh with someone else around the table. What are you hoping to achieve, an apology? Because there's no way in hell hes going to apologise to a text like that. You're spoiling for a fight with this text and he'll give it and he's bigger and stronger and a man and so he'll pull all of the nasty chauvinistic tricks out. And you'll end up looking like a hysterical fool and feeling 10 times worse.

What I would do is have a chat with your mum about what he said. In a nonjudgemental way that he was ripping into you for dumping your kids on her. And you were wondering if she was still ok with the set up. Because you don't want her to feel obliged or taken advantage of. I wouldn't get conspirital with her about what he said as it will create a drama and she will be piggy in the middle, which isn't fair.

So you are complaining about him calling you a shit parent and call the person who pulled him up on it a shit parent.

By all means have a go at him but leave her out of it.

^ this

Have it all out on Jeremy Kyle.

Hmm.. I'd be suspecting that in actual fact, the comment could have been aimed 'a bit closer to home'. People sometimes make comments in a thinly veiled way to address a situation that they themselves are in. Just a thought.

I'd totally go with "who the fuck died and made you Gina Ford?"

Just caught up... forgot to refresh my screen before posting. I see you already spoke to your mum.

Nooo - don't step back from your family because of one comment!

Fwiw, my DB said almost exactly the same thing to me ("Shoes, just palms her kids off to anyone who'll have them") - and there was a bit of an awkward silence due to my {WTF} face. He was only joking - it's blatantly untrue for a start! I'm a sahm and virtually never palm them off on anyone. Bad joke, and induced I think.

If you do send it don't put the bit in about looking for shit parents closer to home. That just looks petty and spiteful, and rather detracts from what you are trying to say.

Helpful Bibbity

This is the type of thing me and my siblings would say to each other for a joke and think nothing of it. I'm not saying you have to laugh it off but he might just see your relationship differently and think he can get away with saying things no one else could, rather than have been wanting to hurt you.

I would advise either let it go, seems no one else took it seriously so don't worry about it or Call him out but make it blunt and brief. Something like Just a heads up it's never ok to call someone a shit parent and I didn't find your joke funny, please refrain from commenting about my parenting in future.

My favourite is this though tbh who the fuck died and made you Gina Ford?"

Whatever you do don't comment on his or anyone else's parenting because you just look like a twat.

Obviously his gf and him have had a right old bitch. orrible.

Your upset, and rightly so, your Brother is an arse.

but don't send the text, just vent on here, and know your not using your mum, and that you don't need the drama a text would cause.

Also why stop both your children and your mum having a great relationship, let your brother come down to reality in a few months with a bump, and next time he says anything you either say What ever.... or That's nice,,, accroding to Mrs Brown, it means something rude.

It's one of those texts that does you good writing it - but one that is best not sent.

I fecking love MN.
Capes I've RTFT. I think you need to step back and delve into what's happening atm.

I am a capes fan BTW.

Capes he is a dick. Just ignore him - he'll get his comeuppance when dc arrives.

As for your mum, actually she sounds a bit odd tbh I've got absolutely no doubt that she benefits from seeing your dc, but if she's insisting on seeing them without you, and she doesn't seem to understand why you'd be upset- well, I think I'd be reassessing the relationship

What's a backrest?

jcsp I think you might be right actually