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AIBU?

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Original poster

To send this text to my brother?

182 replies

NoCapes · 17/05/2017 20:25

We had a family birthday tonight so we're all out for a meal
My brothers gf is pregnant so we were talking babies as you do, and someone said something like "oh Capes would have 10 more if she could wouldn't you" to which my brother responded - "would you? Why?! You're shit at it!" His gf said something like "you can't say that!" But partly laughing aswell, and he said something like "you just give them to my Mum all the time when you can't be arsed"
Didn't want to get into a discussion/argument at the table in front of everyone including my children so I said nothing, conversation moved on and I left soon after

I now want to send him a text along the lines of this -
'Just for future reference, it is never ok to call someone a shit parent. Not that I have to justify myself to you, but Mum has the kids on a regular basis yes, this is for her just as much as it benefits me. She has them the same days every month and I don't ever ring her when I 'can't be arsed' or I'm not coping or whatever else you think happens. You are very very rarely around me or my children so aren't really in a position to judge my parenting skills, and if you would really like to have a discussion about shit parents I would honestly look a bit closer to home than me.'
The shit parent thing is because his gf (and most of her family) take their children to the pub almost every single night where the kids are left to entertain themselves, usually share a takeaway and fall asleep on the backrest - yes I judge them and no I'm not afraid to say it

So do I cause an issue, or let it go and basically be the one that anyone can treat like shit and say what they want to because 'it's only Capes' again???

OP posts:
shinyredbus · 17/05/2017 22:25

sorry - i couldn't let a comment like that go - it is downright rude and obnoxious. In front of other people too? No chance - i would have a word with him. There is being funny and there is being an absolute shithead, your bother is the latter i'm afraid.

MilesHuntsWig · 17/05/2017 22:26

He may have thought he was being funny Hmm. Don't send that text unless you want to cause a massive rift, as that is all it will end up achieving.

Could you not phone him and just be direct about how it made you feel? Something along the lines of "I know you were trying to be funny, but I thought you should be aware that I was very hurt by what you said". Keep it brief and factual.

Catzpyjamas · 17/05/2017 22:37

How about something along the lines of "Didn't really appreciate the joke at my expense tonight. How about you see how well you cope as a parent before you comment on me?"

Megbert · 17/05/2017 22:40

Bleh, I have a family member like this. He'll be even worse when the baby is born.

'I'm so tirrrreeeddd, you have no idea because you had so much help from mummm'

Me: No, you've just made that up to suit yourself you massive numptycunt.

Can you just avoid him? Sending a text will just feed the beast.

anon1987 · 17/05/2017 22:42

What a total knobhead! Can't stand people like that!!

Just text him

That comment wasn't big or clever and it certainly wasn't funny. Call me anything you like but don't you dare call me a bad mother, especially in front of my children!
Don't contact me again until your ready with an apology.

Rachel0Greep · 17/05/2017 23:08

I wouldn't be bothered texting back but I would be ready next time with some 'banter'. Give it right back to him with much fake laughter... See how he likes it.

ohfourfoxache · 17/05/2017 23:18

I remember your mum being supportive when you split with DickHead, and I'm glad she's carried on. But yes, as lovely as some people/mums can be, the martyr thing can drive people potty (my own Mum can be a bit like this too, even though she is beyond supportive).

It's possible that your mum also sees your brother as being a bit of an arse, but it's probably really difficult to admit that to anyone, including your own children. What he said was just so far from funny that it's difficult to justify; which is probably why she snapped and blamed you for not finding him funny.

Try not to take it to heart. After all you've been through, after all the shit you've faced, you don't need to deal with any more. So ignore it. Not only will it piss them off, but it will save your blood pressure.

Really glad things are still going well with GEG - I've been dying to ask but didn't want to force anything from you that you didn't want to post Grin

Hamsolo · 17/05/2017 23:27

My brother says this to my sister a lot. He does it because he doesn't like her and her wants to wind her up (and it works). But, in all honesty, though my mum does love her grandchildren and want to spend time with them, she's also knackered and finds it more of a burden than she tells my sister, and she does moan about it behind her back.

fourandnomore · 17/05/2017 23:28

Oh good god I've just read this whole thread thinking capes sounded familiar and then saw the geg thing. I was thinking about you the other day, wondering about an update woohoo!! That's made my day Smile

BigGrannyPants · 17/05/2017 23:44

@NoCapes I would feel the same as you, I'd be very upset by his comments, joke or not (I don't think he meant it to be funny, I think he said what he believes) I would want to send that text too. But you know you're hitting the self destruct button. It won't change his mind, and will just cause fall outs with you and your family. That doesn't mean you don't have to say anything. But don't text it and definitely don't involve his GF, she was defending you. When you see him, tell him it was hurtful and you'd be devastated if you thought for a second that he really feels that way. Tell him you thought it was especially awful to say it in front of your DCs. If he maintains the nastiness then perhaps you should step back from him. Don't involve your DM either, as you say, your arrangement with her is no one else's business, so there's no need to bring her in to it. I can completely understand why you want to 'get your own back' but it'll do no good and will ultimately isolate you from your family.

SouthWindsWesterly · 17/05/2017 23:48

FFS

He sounds like an over indulged fucking arse - don't worry NoCapes, you know how he is. You should know your own brother now or your having a sense of humour failure...

Bull. He's obnoxious and from your mums comments, has been allowed to get away with it for years at everyone else's cost. If you don't say anything, you're accepting his behaviour again. Don't send your text but make it short, to the point and then ignore him until he apologises. There is no reason for you to be his emotional punchbag for comedy purposes, especially when he talks to you like that in front of your children.

blerp · 17/05/2017 23:55

He was being a twat and an idiot, doesnt know what he's talking about and will get his comeuppance as life teaches him hard lessons.

You should find his naivete amusing and not be so sensitive about it.

timeisnotaline · 18/05/2017 00:05

I'd send something very short so as to not ignore it. And practice options to actually say next time, from the sounds of it there will be a next time. 'That's rude and hurtful! Did you think it was funny??? Hmm. Good luck for when you are a parent wonderboy.'

ExplodedCloud · 18/05/2017 00:11

Liking your update Grin
I suspect you're better off letting this comment go and get a couple of comebacks ready for the future. Along the lines of "Everyone's a great parent until they have kids, you muppet" or "Been reading parenting books have you? Bless..."

FeralBeryl · 18/05/2017 00:19

Oh darling Capes nooooo don't send it please!
My DB is a little knobhead who would come out with something 'hilarious' like this too. It is said in a desperate bid for a wound up reaction from me as a joke Hmm
(He's great as a brother and uncle really but clueless at joke boundaries)
If you send that - he and GF will sit and chortle about how touchy you are and carry on with the comments.
You have two choices: sit back and wait until the baby arrives smug in the knowledge that he'll be wanting help from your mum and you.
Or, wait until you're calmer alone with him and just say that although you know he thinks it's funny, it really upset you and you'd appreciate it if he left the subject as off limits for sibling banter.

BeeThirtythree · 18/05/2017 00:26

Text the first bit, leave the GF /taking kids to pub( look closer to home) bit.

When your Brother/GF have this child...Karma will probably land the DC with your DM on looking after duties, at some point. If you want to say something, say it then Grin

It's a horrid thing to comment the way your brother has,especially when your DC there. Maybe it's that banter/bravado thing if he has form for this behaviour, but definitely text to let him know where to draw the line!

Patriciathestripper1 · 18/05/2017 00:28

Let it go. He is obviously a twat,
You missed your come back when you should have said " yes your right I should just let them fall asleep in the pub whilst I get pissed".

Ciaovenora · 18/05/2017 00:50

Off topic capes any news with you and the gardener!

Ah ignore your brother we know you're a fantastic Mum.

Justdontgetitatall · 18/05/2017 00:53

SEND IT OP!!!! Don't let him get away with this shit anymore!!!!

QueenOfFlatShoes · 18/05/2017 00:59

I'd be hurt, and he's a knob.
But I wouldn't send the text. It's far too long.
I wouldn't send any text at all.
It might make him think he's hit a nerve, and then he'll be smug.

MamaOfBabas · 18/05/2017 01:12

"funny" at your expense is not funny. He sounds like a twat. As does your mum defending him. Just coz they're your family doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. Ho no contact. I did that with my family. One of the best decisions of my life.

Run4Fun · 18/05/2017 01:23

If you do text "Just for future reference, it is never ok to call someone a shit parent. You were out of order". I think it is best left.

BobbiPins · 18/05/2017 02:05

Text? WHY DON'T YOU CALL?! Conflicts can hardly ever be resolved by texting. Call him, tell him that he was rude and unfair and that he has hurt you, and hopefully he apologizes. Anyway, at least you would get an instant reaction.

kiwigeekmum · 18/05/2017 06:27

I think YANBU.

People can't expect to say shitty things and act like an arsehole and not be called out on it.

I would delete this bit though: "and if you would really like to have a discussion about shit parents I would honestly look a bit closer to home than me."

Maintain the higher ground on that one.

Of course he'll come back with "Oh, it was just a joke, don't take it so seriously", but if you pull him up every time (no need to get upset, just calmly "Actually it's not okay for you to say that, joke or not") he may eventually get the message.

I have a very close relationship with my DBro and Sis-IL, but I did have to pull them up a few times on nasty things they said that were "just joking". Things are so much better now. The trick is to stay calm and not go on about it or anything, just a simple "No, that's not okay" and leave it.

No doubt he's got a rude awakening about parenting coming for him once he has one of his own! Grin

BellyDancer124 · 18/05/2017 06:50

You're mym is definitely moaning about having the kids