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AIBU?

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Original poster

Holiday tension.... WWYD

460 replies

Bellyrub1980 · 17/05/2017 04:16

Right, to set the scene: Me, my DH, DD, MIL and SFIL are here together on holiday. It is actually my in-laws house half way up a mountain in a warm corner of Europe. It has a pool and is pretty idyllic all round. However it is very remote, nothing around for about 30 min drive. No public transport. Dodgy mountainside roads that aren't safe to walk or cycle on. The In-laws have kindly paid for our flights and refuse to take any money for us staying here and eating their food (which they insist on cooking, and they are brilliant cooks). We're very very lucky.

However, the holiday does come with some T's and C's. It is very well-to-do, middle class, civilised etc. It is very pleasant but very... erm... 'controlled' I think is the right word. In fact, the theme of the holiday could well be 'Everything in moderation'. This is slightly at odds with my idea of a holiday which is more 'everything to excess' .... but I didn't pay for this holiday so I'm willing to go with the flow. This is our 5th-ish time out here as a couple/family.

As a background point, MIL has always monitored how much I eat. She literally raises her eyebrows if I go for second helpings because I'm overweight. It grinds me slightly, but is just a foible of hers and for the most part I ignore it and do my best to have some self control so as not to disgust her.

But anyway, here is the issue...

On day 3 after dinner, MIL stands up and states how she cannot understand why DH (my DH that is, not her DH) has to drink so much. She then turns to me and says I'm not much better. She is upset because DH's biological father is/was an alcoholic. She cannot stand people drinking to access. I agree that my alcohol tolerance has 'improved' lately and DH rolls his eyes and says 'I'm on holiday mum'. And that's that. Off she goes to bed. I didn't say more because I was totally stunned by the confrontation and I'm rubbish with thinking on the spot. Plus I had 3 gins inside me.

I must admit I was pretty annoyed at the accusation of drinking too much. I certainly wasn't drunk and the gin I was drinking was bought by us at the airport. Plus I'm nearly 40, so im really not accustomed to somebody monitoring my alcohol consumption. I had a good old rant to my friend via text and decided I'd continue the holiday booze-free so as not to cause any more upset.

The thing is, my only experience of family holidays (pre-meeting my DH) is to spend all day in the pool messing about, eating whatever we like and drinking from about 4/5pm. No rules. Just having a laugh. I appreciate not all families are like this, but this is my default setting for a holiday if you will. So it is an adjustment for me to be so controlled on holiday. But I'm trying to remind myself.... it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday.... and just be greatful.

Yesterday DH, who seems to have fully regressed into a teenager rebillion mode, gets completely shit faced, singing football (?!) chants whilst mooning and dancing around the pool drunk. Eyebrows are raised. MIL is not impressed. We go out for dinner (against my advice) and whilst he goes to the loo MIL asks me why he decided to get so drunk. I explain I'm not sure why, but I think it's an act of defiance. "How very childish" is the response.... and I have to agree.

The atmosphere now is terrible. MIL and DH basically are at loggerheads. DH is in a terrible mood and is not at all fun to be around. Our DD is always a heartbeat away from a tantrum (she's 2) and how I 'parent' her is constantly being watched and critiqued. I just literally can't relax now, and there are 5 days to go. I plan to keep my head down and stay out of the way as much as I can until we go home. But I'm interested to hear... WWYD?

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/05/2017 08:37

and being judge about parenting

I think many people would judge when the DC DF is getting so pissed in the afternoon tbh.

diddl · 17/05/2017 08:39

I do think that she's rude to be sniffy about the amount of food you eat-unless you're not leaving enough for anyone else.

I think it's odd to get shitfaced as an adult to deliberately piss your mum off though.

Surely though if they are paying for everything, it means that you can still afford an "everything to excess" holiday?

Turquoise123 · 17/05/2017 08:41

It can be very hard work being a guest for a week even if it's not with family. Catch up on your reading and don't go again. I am sure all of you will be relieved when it's over.

MsGameandWatch · 17/05/2017 08:41

This kind of drinking is always fine and just relaxing and letting our hair down right up until it isn't. Someone else is always picking up the slack so someone can get in that state. My exes family thought I was an uptight bitch for not wanting this kind of thing round my kids. Now their son is a full blown alcoholic who barely sees his kids and would have destroyed all our lives if I hadn't got him out.

If you're drinking like this someone else is suffering, usually the kids.

ElspethFlashman · 17/05/2017 08:42

The MIL only raises her eyebrows when the OP goes in for second helpings. The OP didn't say that her first helping was insufficient.

Tbh if somebody else is paying for the food and it's there on the table to feed several people, I don't think I'd take a second helping without first asking if everyone else would like more. It's just manners.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/05/2017 08:43

OP states pre dh that her holiday drinks started at 4/5 pm, I don't read that she's necking it back with their toddler to look after.

TheLambShankRedemption · 17/05/2017 08:44

Having a drink at 4pm on holiday is fine.

Getting so drunk that you are mooning and singing football chants when your family, including children, are going out to dinner is not fine and does sound like a problem with binge drinking. Sounds like MIL has a point about the drinking, she has more experience that you in recognising this if she's been married to an alcoholic, and your husband owes you all an apology.

Getting drunk on holiday everyday is my idea of hell. I'd hate it if I was staying with people who did that.

Perhaps raise with MIL that you will both drink less while with her (set an upper limit) and as a compromise she is not to mention eating at all. Then try and have a nice time for the rest of the week and don't go with them again.

There is BU on both sides on this one.

Waltermittythesequel · 17/05/2017 08:45

That's a good point re the food.

She's buying it and cooking it, and you're helping yourself to more of it!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/05/2017 08:45

OP states pre dh that her holiday drinks started at 4/5 pm, I don't read that she's necking it back with their toddler to look after.

Yes however she says her idea of a holiday is 'everything to excess' which her DH is certainly living up to.

paganmolloy · 17/05/2017 08:46

I'm not a puritan, a couple of drinks during the day is fine but I don't like the getting sh*tfaced from 4/5pm mentality and especially not when you've got a two year old.

I grew up in a culture of drink. My parents were not alcoholics, just drinking was just so socially acceptable. I had wonderful parents and a wonderful childhood but from a young age I hated seeing all the parents sitting drinking in the sunshine when there was adventure to be had. I hated seeing my Dad drunk. Move on a few years and my first husband who had a drink problem but would never admit it. So many days wasted sitting around drinking when there were so many other things we could have been doing. Thankfully now in a lovely relationship with a husband who likes a drink, has even gotten rat-arsed but shares the same view as me that it's not acceptable in front of the kids and drinking off one hangover after another is a waste of time.

I17neednumbers · 17/05/2017 08:47

No such thing as a free holiday!

So, your question is wwyd - I think I would focus now on making sure your dd now has a good time - is she bored staying in the house by the pool all day? If so, why don't you do as pp have suggested and get a taxi to some local places, go for a walk up that mountain? Even supermarket shopping for some entertainment.

For me I wouldn't start drinking at 4pm on holiday with dc, particularly where there's a pool/water of any kind, so I suppose I'm with mil on that. (And I do drink more than a small sherry at Christmas!)

ElspethFlashman · 17/05/2017 08:48

Well by Day 3 MIL is shocked that her son is drinking so much. Nobody denies it, just he says "I'm on holidays" and she's already on her 3rd gin with more of the evening to go.

They were clearly "enjoying" their holiday.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/05/2017 08:48

Neither of them is covering themselves in glory are they? MIL needs to wind her neck in and DH needs to grow up.

I wouldnt be going on holiay with them again. I always suspect that these holidays are so the grandparents can take the grandkids away and have to take the parents too as they know they wouldnt be allowed to take the grandkids without them.

Your expectations are too different.

FWIW, a drink at 4pm on hols is fine, as long as at least one parent is ok to deal with an emergency.

ElspethFlashman · 17/05/2017 08:51

It's always the bloke though.

Can you imagine if the roles were reversed?

If the OP was ratarsed and lairy and messy around the pool in the afternoon whilst the Dad stayed sober?

Never happens. People would be shocked. People would be saying she needed help.

rightwhine · 17/05/2017 08:51

His behaviour is unacceptable but he's fallen back into the teenage dynamic it was before he left home. Your reaction was also unacceptable. why should you not drink and limit your food.

Find the middle ground. Talk to mil and spell it out that you are adults who get to choose what you eat and drink and perhaps if she had kept her disproved to herself DH wouldn't have reverted to child mode. Make it clear that it is not normal behaviour for him, to allay her fears, but make it clear she needs to back off.

It is a duty family visit rather than a holiday.

CoolioAndTheGang · 17/05/2017 08:52

This reminds me of a very similar thread on mn last week...also on AIBU if I remember correctly.

RoseandVioletCreams · 17/05/2017 08:53

decided I'd continue the holiday booze-free so as not to cause any more upset

for the most part I ignore it and do my best to have some self control so as not to disgust her

You disgust this woman Hmm. I think you need to ask yourself why you are curtailing what you want for fear of disgusting her. Self esteem issues here.

Many people would have shrugged and let it roll off their backs. Why didnt you, are you afraid of her, seek her approval?

I think your DH was fine actually - childish or not, he is showing her she is not in control of him.

Suffice to say this will be the last holiday you have there!

Floggingmolly · 17/05/2017 08:53

Your DH is behaving like a dickhead in what is, to be fair, your MIL's home. And you telling her "it's a form of rebellion"!!
Grow up, the pair of you.

lizzyj4 · 17/05/2017 08:53

Your DH is reacting to MIL - given their history with your DH's bio dad it's likely that they both have a complex relationship with alcohol (trying to control other people's intake and exaggerating it as your MIL does is just as unhealthy as reacting as your DH did). This is a really unhealthy dynamic. Just don't go on holiday with them again.

juneau · 17/05/2017 08:53

Since you've holidayed with your ILs before and are well aware what they're like I'm afraid YABU. If you don't like their controlling, rude and parsimonious ways then go on holiday somewhere else. It really is that simple.

RoseandVioletCreams · 17/05/2017 08:54

I wouldnt be going on holiay with them again. I always suspect that these holidays are so the grandparents can take the grandkids away and have to take the parents too as they know they wouldnt be allowed to take the grandkids without them

YY

juneau · 17/05/2017 08:55

PS. Your DH's reaction to his DM's (admittedly rude) comments was puerile and pathetic. He should grow the hell up.

HoldBackTheRain · 17/05/2017 08:55

Well it might be a free holiday, but it would cost too much for me. Don't go again!

NavyandWhite · 17/05/2017 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paganmolloy · 17/05/2017 08:58

I'm going to mention one other thing and will get flamed.

Regarding the food thing.

Me and some pals meet up for a girlie weekend once a year. It's great to be able to catch up and chill out however one of us is negative and down about her weight (and other issues in her life). She goes on about it all from the word go and about how she needs to make changes then will eat to excess and get snappy with us because she's cross with herself. TBQH I'm fed up with it. We only meet once a year and I don't want to spend every time listening to her go on about the same old same old. It's our precious time away too. It gets really frustrating .

I'm only using this example but if the OP is perfectly happy with the way she is then it shouldn't be an issue however if being overweight is something she has concerns and the MIL knows this then it's bloody difficult having to endure time when someone does the exact opposite of what needs to be done to make them feel better about themselves. I apologise if this is not the case and stand down but to quote my favourite quote (translated from old Scots) "what a gift it would be to see ourselves as others see us".

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