Holiday tension.... WWYD

[Bellyrub1980]

Right, to set the scene: Me, my DH, DD, MIL and SFIL are here together on holiday. It is actually my in-laws house half way up a mountain in a warm corner of Europe. It has a pool and is pretty idyllic all round. However it is very remote, nothing around for about 30 min drive. No public transport. Dodgy mountainside roads that aren't safe to walk or cycle on. The In-laws have kindly paid for our flights and refuse to take any money for us staying here and eating their food (which they insist on cooking, and they are brilliant cooks). We're very very lucky.

However, the holiday does come with some T's and C's. It is very well-to-do, middle class, civilised etc. It is very pleasant but very... erm... 'controlled' I think is the right word. In fact, the theme of the holiday could well be 'Everything in moderation'. This is slightly at odds with my idea of a holiday which is more 'everything to excess' .... but I didn't pay for this holiday so I'm willing to go with the flow. This is our 5th-ish time out here as a couple/family.

As a background point, MIL has always monitored how much I eat. She literally raises her eyebrows if I go for second helpings because I'm overweight. It grinds me slightly, but is just a foible of hers and for the most part I ignore it and do my best to have some self control so as not to disgust her.

But anyway, here is the issue...

On day 3 after dinner, MIL stands up and states how she cannot understand why DH (my DH that is, not her DH) has to drink so much. She then turns to me and says I'm not much better. She is upset because DH's biological father is/was an alcoholic. She cannot stand people drinking to access. I agree that my alcohol tolerance has 'improved' lately and DH rolls his eyes and says 'I'm on holiday mum'. And that's that. Off she goes to bed. I didn't say more because I was totally stunned by the confrontation and I'm rubbish with thinking on the spot. Plus I had 3 gins inside me.

I must admit I was pretty annoyed at the accusation of drinking too much. I certainly wasn't drunk and the gin I was drinking was bought by us at the airport. Plus I'm nearly 40, so im really not accustomed to somebody monitoring my alcohol consumption. I had a good old rant to my friend via text and decided I'd continue the holiday booze-free so as not to cause any more upset.

The thing is, my only experience of family holidays (pre-meeting my DH) is to spend all day in the pool messing about, eating whatever we like and drinking from about 4/5pm. No rules. Just having a laugh. I appreciate not all families are like this, but this is my default setting for a holiday if you will. So it is an adjustment for me to be so controlled on holiday. But I'm trying to remind myself.... it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday.... and just be greatful.

Yesterday DH, who seems to have fully regressed into a teenager rebillion mode, gets completely shit faced, singing football (?!) chants whilst mooning and dancing around the pool drunk. Eyebrows are raised. MIL is not impressed. We go out for dinner (against my advice) and whilst he goes to the loo MIL asks me why he decided to get so drunk. I explain I'm not sure why, but I think it's an act of defiance. "How very childish" is the response.... and I have to agree.

The atmosphere now is terrible. MIL and DH basically are at loggerheads. DH is in a terrible mood and is not at all fun to be around. Our DD is always a heartbeat away from a tantrum (she's 2) and how I 'parent' her is constantly being watched and critiqued. I just literally can't relax now, and there are 5 days to go. I plan to keep my head down and stay out of the way as much as I can until we go home. But I'm interested to hear... WWYD?

[Mistressiggi]

And I hope one of you is sober enough to watch your child next to the swimming pool.

[Nanna50]

It's not really a holiday it's staying with your in-laws for a week or so with all of the angst that brings. It just happens to be in an idyllic place rather than the average semi.

I think your husband was a twat, who was he singing and mooning to? Your daughter, his mother, his wife? I wouldn't be happy if any of my children behaved like this and there is no alcoholism trigger.

I visit relatives in different parts of the world, I pay my own flights and pay for food whilst I am there, however it is their home and their rules and I either accept that or stay elsewhere, those are the T&C's for having a reduced cost break in the sun.

Your husband has accepted their free hospitality he should show some respect and apologise and hopefully you can all salvage what is left of the time you have there. Unfortunately it was probably a mistake to think it was going to be a free relaxing holiday.

[ShoesHaveSouls]

Oh OP, poor you - my idea of a holiday is the same as yours - this sounds more like some sort of 'retreat' into naice restraint and genteelness

Never mind - stop thinking of it as a free holiday - and start thinking of it as spending times with the IL's ?

One way to deal with the situation is to refuse to take any responsibility for your DH's behaviour, and remain serene and detached. Clearly, your MIL is seeing her son turning into her alcoholic ex-H (which isn't reasonable, but understandable) and your DH is rebelling against his mother 'managing' his behaviour when he is a grown man (actually reasonable, IMO, although doesn't excuse being a twat).

[ChasedByBees]

Ooh this reminds me of a business course we went on.

Your ILs are strongly in the 'parent' role and so as you say, your DH is reacting by going into 'child' mode.

Where you want to be is 'adult-adult'.

That's going to be harder for your DH because he literally is their child and it's so easy to slip into pre-assigned roles. He's obviously resentful and who wouldn't be?

They have no right to monitor or comment on your food and alcohol intake unless it's really out of control, but it's not. You're on holiday and sound perfectly normal.

I think to get this back to an 'adult-adult' footing, you need to have a grown up chat with MIL. Tell her that you are adults and do not need your food and alcohol intake monitored. That the atmosphere on the holiday is poor - from behaviour on both sides - but that the outcome of that will be that this could be the last holiday like this. Whilst your DH shouldn't have responded like that, he only did it because he's being treated like a child. You need to speak with your DH too. He needs to apologise to get out of child mode.

I think some day trips out would help - get a taxi and go somewhere fun!

For the record, it sounds horrendous to me too.

[Nanna50]

Sorry I missed it was the fifth time, so you should have had some idea of what to expect, and if the other four were ok then one shitty time out of five isn't bad deal.

[ChasedByBees]

Transactional analysis. That's the business course it reminded me of.

www.businessballs.com/transact.htm

[ElspethFlsshman]

5 times?

And this has never come up before?

Is that because both of you are getting drunk more on this particular holiday?

Pretty much everything about your post is "We like getting fairly pissed on holiday".

Well so does everyone but tbh when you have a 2 year old, you just can't get pissed that much. And if I was holidaying with a couple with a 2 year old who were drinking from late afternoon every day I'd find it quite stressful, sorry.

[KoalaDownUnder]

Your DH sounds about 15.

And yes, you have a 2-year-old to watch by a pool, so how can you both be drinking? (Is the pool fenced?)

I feel for your MIL and think it's all a bit disrespectful and childish.

[eurochick]

I think you need to treat this as a family visit rather than a holiday. You are a guest in their house. And never do it again!

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

I read the OP thinking pre meeting dh you drank from 4/5 pm on holiday, not during these particular ones with the inlaws.


Anyway, I think your Dh needs to stop acting like a spanner, deliberately getting shit faced to piss off his mum is idiotic, I think you should carry on having your gin if you feel you're in control, I certainly wouldn't change my behaviour if her accusations are totally unfounded.

Don't accept another freebie from them but I think you already know that.

[Mamia15]

Another one here who is more worried about the toddler. You can't really drink around her and be able to supervise properly especially with the pool nearby.

He needs to grow up

[DisappearingFish]

If your MIL was married to an alcoholic she is likely to be overly sensitive to drinking. Have a bit of compassion for her.

Holidays change when you have a baby. They can't be about sundowners and cocktails and so on when you're in charge of a child.

It's only five more days. Have a good chat with the ILs to clear the air - apologise but make it clear you won't put up with the PA tutting - and then focus on your DD.

[Mistressiggi]

I think you shouldn't feel you have to fall into either your dh's family's holiday mode OR that of your own family OP. Try out a few different styles of holiday, you may find what works best keeps changing as your dd grows.
I suspect the more boring the day is the sooner you want to fire into the drink at night. You need more activities.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Can you take the car, just the three of you and break up the claustrophobic family atmosphere or will she get offended at the suggestion?

[user1492287253]

Get through this. Plan your life so you have holidays and treat this as a duty visit somewhere nice.

[ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual]

I think your dh is being very unfair to his mum, and you. If you have the respect to follow your MIL's wishes, I don't see why he can't. And I'm assuming you've been left with all childcare while he gets pissed?

Other than that, don't go away with them again. It's annoying that you feel policed by your MIL, but that's clearly the way she is.

I will say though that if you're not drinkers yourself, it's beyond tedious holidaying with people who like to start drinking during the day.

[dailystuck71]

Don't do it again. Even for free it sounds miserable. For you and your MIL.

[Huldra]

OK it does sound like your dp was a bit out of control that day.

However, I do understand as it sounds like my parents. They lived somewhere warm, remote and nice so we would often use up one annual holiday to see them. My Mum also likes to comment on food (despite being over weight), drink (she constantly talks about how much people drink) and how to discipline children. It wasn't so bad when our kids were young, my mum loves babies and we were very much in the baby routine. Things got worse as our children grew and we got more of our lives back. Even if we went to the beach for 4 hours we would get back to gasps of "back already!!!" and questions of why we hadn't stayed longer, gone somewhere else after, got in the car and driven hours to some random town. Everything we did had to be commented on and tutted over.

We still wanted to take the children to visit them out there so in the end we used to go and visit them for a few day only, then carry on somewhere else for our family holiday. If you can't do something similar in the future I would stop going or drastically reduce the number of times.

[ElspethFlashman]

Wait, so the OP went teetotal on Day 3? Is that right? And the DH reacted (presumably to that) by drinking enough for both of them?

It's all so unnecessary!

Just drink to moderation, both of you!

[BrieAndChilli]

Is this your only holiday of the year? I would view it as visiting the in laws rather than a full on holiday.

[Dishwashersaurous]

Agree never go on holiday again.

But I'd put a positive spin on the rest of the week and think of it like a health spa and a chance to be healthy for a week. Sensible food, no booze and lots of early nights.

[MsGameandWatch]

I have complex PTSD from years of being married to an alcoholic. I can see why your MIL is stressed out. Football chants and mooning is the sort of thing he would have done and I am wondering if your DH actually does have a bit of a problem?

That said the food thing would piss me off. This isn't a holiday this is an endurance match for you and your dd, as your MIL and husband's behaviour is impacting on you all. I would hire a car and get myself and dd out of there for days out tbh.

Out of interest what do you think of your husbands alcohol intake?

[MerlinEmrys]

I'd address it and attempt to clear the air. With your DH on board. Stick to facts and see how it goes!