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Original poster

Holiday tension.... WWYD

460 replies

Bellyrub1980 · 17/05/2017 04:16

Right, to set the scene: Me, my DH, DD, MIL and SFIL are here together on holiday. It is actually my in-laws house half way up a mountain in a warm corner of Europe. It has a pool and is pretty idyllic all round. However it is very remote, nothing around for about 30 min drive. No public transport. Dodgy mountainside roads that aren't safe to walk or cycle on. The In-laws have kindly paid for our flights and refuse to take any money for us staying here and eating their food (which they insist on cooking, and they are brilliant cooks). We're very very lucky.

However, the holiday does come with some T's and C's. It is very well-to-do, middle class, civilised etc. It is very pleasant but very... erm... 'controlled' I think is the right word. In fact, the theme of the holiday could well be 'Everything in moderation'. This is slightly at odds with my idea of a holiday which is more 'everything to excess' .... but I didn't pay for this holiday so I'm willing to go with the flow. This is our 5th-ish time out here as a couple/family.

As a background point, MIL has always monitored how much I eat. She literally raises her eyebrows if I go for second helpings because I'm overweight. It grinds me slightly, but is just a foible of hers and for the most part I ignore it and do my best to have some self control so as not to disgust her.

But anyway, here is the issue...

On day 3 after dinner, MIL stands up and states how she cannot understand why DH (my DH that is, not her DH) has to drink so much. She then turns to me and says I'm not much better. She is upset because DH's biological father is/was an alcoholic. She cannot stand people drinking to access. I agree that my alcohol tolerance has 'improved' lately and DH rolls his eyes and says 'I'm on holiday mum'. And that's that. Off she goes to bed. I didn't say more because I was totally stunned by the confrontation and I'm rubbish with thinking on the spot. Plus I had 3 gins inside me.

I must admit I was pretty annoyed at the accusation of drinking too much. I certainly wasn't drunk and the gin I was drinking was bought by us at the airport. Plus I'm nearly 40, so im really not accustomed to somebody monitoring my alcohol consumption. I had a good old rant to my friend via text and decided I'd continue the holiday booze-free so as not to cause any more upset.

The thing is, my only experience of family holidays (pre-meeting my DH) is to spend all day in the pool messing about, eating whatever we like and drinking from about 4/5pm. No rules. Just having a laugh. I appreciate not all families are like this, but this is my default setting for a holiday if you will. So it is an adjustment for me to be so controlled on holiday. But I'm trying to remind myself.... it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday.... and just be greatful.

Yesterday DH, who seems to have fully regressed into a teenager rebillion mode, gets completely shit faced, singing football (?!) chants whilst mooning and dancing around the pool drunk. Eyebrows are raised. MIL is not impressed. We go out for dinner (against my advice) and whilst he goes to the loo MIL asks me why he decided to get so drunk. I explain I'm not sure why, but I think it's an act of defiance. "How very childish" is the response.... and I have to agree.

The atmosphere now is terrible. MIL and DH basically are at loggerheads. DH is in a terrible mood and is not at all fun to be around. Our DD is always a heartbeat away from a tantrum (she's 2) and how I 'parent' her is constantly being watched and critiqued. I just literally can't relax now, and there are 5 days to go. I plan to keep my head down and stay out of the way as much as I can until we go home. But I'm interested to hear... WWYD?

OP posts:
Pigface1 · 17/05/2017 08:09

I'm sorry but you and your DH come across as incredibly selfish and ungrateful - not to mention irresponsible.

Your generous in-laws have invited you on an all-expenses-paid holiday to what sounds like a lovely location. So it's not ideal for you, but presumably you knew what it was going to be like before you went, and you chose not to hire a car.

The raising her eyebrows thing is a bit shit. It's not the worst thing anyone has ever done. She may not even realise she's doing it.

Your MiL has previously been married/in a relationship with an alcoholic. As the child of an alcoholic - I can tell you that the anxiety you develop from that experience never goes away. Add to that the fear that her own son might become an alcoholic and I get why she might be a LITTLE on edge about it.

And you're on holiday with your toddler and you want to start drinking at 4pm??

Dozer · 17/05/2017 08:09

She is BU in criticising what you eat: how rude! Have you pulled her up on that before? If not, time you did!

She was also U to comment on your and DH's drinking, although as PPs say it's understandable she dislikes her adult DS boozing given her problems with his father and his increased risk of alcohol problems.

You were OTT and passive to cease drinking completely.

Both drinking from late afternoon and/or to excess would be irresponsible with small DC IMO, unless you have childcare for the evening (and next morning if getting up will be an issue! ) In the circumstances it's understandable that MIL won't want to be managing the DC.

expatinscotland · 17/05/2017 08:13

Go home! Both of you. Lots of people on MN are seriously uptight about drinking, so they've focused on this and not her monitoring your eating. That alone would do it for me. Go home! And no more 'holidays' there.

sheepskinshrug · 17/05/2017 08:13

I'd be tempted to buy flights and go home. I really react quite badly to being controlled by people and I grew up with control freaks (siblings) and alcoholics (parents)!! Seriously this is a bad combination. You've given the control freak all the cards and they will bloody use them. Your MIL has paid for everything and has expected compliance in return - maybe you have not been very self aware in the past, after all it's a nice image - going on holidays together as a family, chilling around a pool in the sunshine etc but you now have confronted reality, you now know compliance is a price you are not willing to pay. It's only 5 days but it sounds like torture, if I'd the money for flights I'd cut my losses.

GrumpyOldBag · 17/05/2017 08:13

Collaborate It's either very rude behaviour or a red flag for alcohol dependency.

FloofyCat · 17/05/2017 08:15

This is one where it would be really interesting to see the MIL's side of this.

Your DH sounds like he acted like a knob, IMO, a stupid and childish response to the usual tensions (for want of a better expression!) within familial relationships - magnified on holiday.

I do wonder how your MIL sees this though.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/05/2017 08:16

Lots of people on MN are seriously uptight about drinking,

With good reason. How responsible is it to get so drunk you are mooning and singing football songs?

This is slightly at odds with my idea of a holiday which is more 'everything to excess

So who on your usual holidays are you doing everything to excess and drinking from 4pm, looks after your DC?

Ceto · 17/05/2017 08:16

You're on holiday. start drinking whatever time you like. Get drunk if you want. So long as one of you can keep an eye on the kid without losing focus, you're OK.

No, it's not OK. If you're both pissed, your reactions are going to be poor, so is your co-ordination. That is exactly the sort of situation that leads to accidents, and you won't be able to react quickly enough to prevent accidents or to minimise the damage caused by them - and you won't be able to drive to get to A&E. And no, being able to call an ambulance doesn't really cut it when you're half way up a mountain in the middle of nowhere.

SquinkiesRule · 17/05/2017 08:16

I can understand your Dh's reaction to his Mum. I'd probably sit back and leave them all too it and make sure I never go on one of their holidays again.
MIL started all this crap, she is now reaping what she sowed.
Watch Dh's performance, and enjoy the show.
If possible I'd book my flights home early and get out of the hell hole.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/05/2017 08:17

*if you are

Ceto · 17/05/2017 08:18

You both of you do need to grow up about expecting to get pissed from 4 pm onwards when you're on holiday. That's the sort of thing you do when you're an irresponsible teenager. Most people grow up and get beyond that when they have children.

Waltermittythesequel · 17/05/2017 08:23

expat I'm not uptight about drinking.

And I've said MIL was rude re: the eating comments.

It's not uptight to think parents should drink responsibly when they're with their baby. It's just having a modicum of decency.

paganmolloy · 17/05/2017 08:26

I've not read all the posts but I've always felt uncomfortable when folk start drinking around their kids. A couple of glasses is fine but wait until the kid is in bed rather than start getting sh*tfaced from 4/5pm whether you're on holiday with in-laws or not.

As for the holiday itself, nothing worse than walking on tenterhooks when you want to have a good time chilling but you know what they are like, suck it up and make this the last time. FWIW they sound like nice people trying to do a nice thing for you and falling out with them isn't worth it.

Mulledwine1 · 17/05/2017 08:27

i like a drink or six but even i think its a bit off to start drinking at 4pm

Goodness the Puritans are back!

We often go back to the same hotel and when you arrive they give you a free glass of fizz to welcome you. One year we had problems with the ferry and didn't arrive until 1am so missed out on the welcome drink.

The following morning we had popped out and when we got back the manager asked us if we'd like our welcome drink. It was about 12.01. We looked at the clock, pronounced it "afternoon" and enjoyed our complementary fizz.

The OP is on holiday. A drink at 4pm sounds fine to me. I might go easy on the gin though - spirits are much stronger than wine/beer.

Anyway the OP and MIL want different things from a holiday so don't go together in future. It's not worth something being free if you don't enjoy it.

Brighteyes27 · 17/05/2017 08:28

Get through this holiday safe in the knowledge it will be your last with them or ditch DD with them and go and get hammered with your DH.

MsGameandWatch · 17/05/2017 08:29

It's NOT uptight to not want to see your adult son, a father himself, mooning and chanting football songs. I've been there when it's been happening and it's sickening, trying to protect your children from an out of control situation and one of their parents in a complete state.

PinguForPresident · 17/05/2017 08:30

Blimey, this thread has brought out the "just a small sherry at Christmas" brigade!

Of course it's normal to let your hair down a bit on holiday, and it's perfectly acceptable to have a couple of drinks while in charge of a child (a couple, not ten). Your MIL sounds a bit joyless, and your H is being a bit of a dick in response.

Carry on drinking in moderation, get your husband to do the same, and never go away with the ILs again.

ElspethFlashman · 17/05/2017 08:31

Where was the 2 year old when Dad was spending the afternoon mooning around the pool like a lairy fool? I'm guessing she was right there taking it all in.

Honestly I'd have had a cats bum face too.

It also sounds like the OP did nothing about it except say perhaps we shouldn't go out to dinner (where presumably he got even more plastered given it was "a bad idea")

I would have been raging with my DP tbh. It's embarrassing and it's selfish to opt out of responsibility so thoroughly for the afternoon and evening.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/05/2017 08:32

Mulledwine1 It isn't just one glass they are having. The OP openly says they like doing everything to excess on holiday.

or ditch DD with them and go and get hammered with your DH.

Hmm
MsGameandWatch · 17/05/2017 08:33

More like people with experience of alcoholism.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/05/2017 08:33

I think it's obvious your family and your MIL want different things from a holiday. Avoid going away together in future. I would give that advice to your MIL too.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/05/2017 08:33

Blimey, this thread has brought out the "just a small sherry at Christmas" brigade!

Or those that have lived with alcoholics and know what it is like and the trauma it brings.

Easier to pick fun at other posters though isn't it.

ElspethFlashman · 17/05/2017 08:34

Mulledwine

A drink at 4pm is fine. God knows I always have a cervesa with lunch when on holidays. But there's a huge difference between that and "everything to excess" which the OP believes in and her DH was putting into practice. He must have been paralytic by the time dinner was over if he was that pissed in the afternoon.

sheepskinshrug · 17/05/2017 08:35

But let's remember the MIL is not just trying to control the drinking she is trying to control the eating too and being judge about parenting.....she is assuming she has the right to dictate her rules on the Op's family, she wants to be the parent. I imagine she enjoys being in control now and while some sympathy might go to her reasons for this - the alcohol aspect, there is no excuse for the restriction of food. If the amount of food she bought was limited, they should take a trip to the supermarket for more - what else is there to do? She is an ungracious host and I'd either spend my days travelling around and sightseeing, getting home late or I'd fly home.

Waltermittythesequel · 17/05/2017 08:35

Who has said they should both be tee-total on this thread?

OP said her tolerance for drink has increased, whatever that means.

And her dh is clearly following in dear old daddy's footsteps.

A 4pm drink on holiday is lovely. Three gins by 4 with the intention to get shit faced, or already being hammered and mooning, ffs, while in charge of your toddler? Not ok.