Holiday tension.... WWYD

[Bellyrub1980]

Right, to set the scene: Me, my DH, DD, MIL and SFIL are here together on holiday. It is actually my in-laws house half way up a mountain in a warm corner of Europe. It has a pool and is pretty idyllic all round. However it is very remote, nothing around for about 30 min drive. No public transport. Dodgy mountainside roads that aren't safe to walk or cycle on. The In-laws have kindly paid for our flights and refuse to take any money for us staying here and eating their food (which they insist on cooking, and they are brilliant cooks). We're very very lucky.

However, the holiday does come with some T's and C's. It is very well-to-do, middle class, civilised etc. It is very pleasant but very... erm... 'controlled' I think is the right word. In fact, the theme of the holiday could well be 'Everything in moderation'. This is slightly at odds with my idea of a holiday which is more 'everything to excess' .... but I didn't pay for this holiday so I'm willing to go with the flow. This is our 5th-ish time out here as a couple/family.

As a background point, MIL has always monitored how much I eat. She literally raises her eyebrows if I go for second helpings because I'm overweight. It grinds me slightly, but is just a foible of hers and for the most part I ignore it and do my best to have some self control so as not to disgust her.

But anyway, here is the issue...

On day 3 after dinner, MIL stands up and states how she cannot understand why DH (my DH that is, not her DH) has to drink so much. She then turns to me and says I'm not much better. She is upset because DH's biological father is/was an alcoholic. She cannot stand people drinking to access. I agree that my alcohol tolerance has 'improved' lately and DH rolls his eyes and says 'I'm on holiday mum'. And that's that. Off she goes to bed. I didn't say more because I was totally stunned by the confrontation and I'm rubbish with thinking on the spot. Plus I had 3 gins inside me.

I must admit I was pretty annoyed at the accusation of drinking too much. I certainly wasn't drunk and the gin I was drinking was bought by us at the airport. Plus I'm nearly 40, so im really not accustomed to somebody monitoring my alcohol consumption. I had a good old rant to my friend via text and decided I'd continue the holiday booze-free so as not to cause any more upset.

The thing is, my only experience of family holidays (pre-meeting my DH) is to spend all day in the pool messing about, eating whatever we like and drinking from about 4/5pm. No rules. Just having a laugh. I appreciate not all families are like this, but this is my default setting for a holiday if you will. So it is an adjustment for me to be so controlled on holiday. But I'm trying to remind myself.... it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday.... and just be greatful.

Yesterday DH, who seems to have fully regressed into a teenager rebillion mode, gets completely shit faced, singing football (?!) chants whilst mooning and dancing around the pool drunk. Eyebrows are raised. MIL is not impressed. We go out for dinner (against my advice) and whilst he goes to the loo MIL asks me why he decided to get so drunk. I explain I'm not sure why, but I think it's an act of defiance. "How very childish" is the response.... and I have to agree.

The atmosphere now is terrible. MIL and DH basically are at loggerheads. DH is in a terrible mood and is not at all fun to be around. Our DD is always a heartbeat away from a tantrum (she's 2) and how I 'parent' her is constantly being watched and critiqued. I just literally can't relax now, and there are 5 days to go. I plan to keep my head down and stay out of the way as much as I can until we go home. But I'm interested to hear... WWYD?

[Collaborate]

i like a drink or six but even i think its a bit off to start drinking at 4pm

You're on holiday. start drinking whatever time you like. Get drunk if you want. Certainly it sounds like your MIL is making it gin o'cock all the time. So long as one of you can keep an eye on the kid without losing focus, you're OK.

I repeat - you're on holiday.

[Waltermittythesequel]

They're on holiday with their toddler, Collaborate so no, they can't start drinking whatever time they want, and getting drunk whenever they want.

[Ninjalino]

I understand how you feel but I think you're being unfair on your MIL.
My MIL has always been on DH's case regarding his drinking. I never really understood why as he was just a social drinker. Then DH developed alcoholism and it was revealed by SIL and BIL that their father had been an alcoholic. I Thai know she must have seen the potential in him.
I completely understand where MIL is coming from now I'm in her shoes. I do worry that I'll be the same one day with DS, living with an alcoholic is absolutely horrendous.

Cut her some slack, she's terrified her son will have the problems his father did. At the best he is behaving very disrespectfully towards her, at worst, she may have reason to be concerned about his drinking.

Like it or not you're in an all expenses paid holiday, try to have a little compassion and understanding your MIL and suck up the restrictions for the sake of family harmony and everyone's enjoyment of the holiday.

[purplecoathanger]

Your MIL has a point, the two of you should grow up and stop behaving like teenagers.

[user1491572121]

Collaborate and who will look after their two year old whilst they get drunk??

[LedaP]

As long one of you isnt that hammered you can focus your eyes, its ok when looking after a toddler.....if you are on holiday?

FFS.

[NapQueen]

How can you both get drunk around a 2yo? Surely you can both hold off til after shes gone to bed.

[BarbarianMum]

If getting pissed is central to your idea of a good holiday, then maybe don't go and stay with someone who was previously married to a drunk? It's going to bring back bad memories for them.

[purplecoathanger]

I really don't understand why you want to get drunk. It's perfectly possible to have a nice holiday without getting drunk and what's more, you remember it!

In light of DH's father I would have thought the pair of you would have a bit more sense.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Yesterday DH, who seems to have fully regressed into a teenager rebillion mode, gets completely shit faced, singing football (?!) chants whilst mooning and dancing around the pool drunk. Eyebrows are raised. MIL is not impressed.

I don't blame your MIL.

He needs to grow up. Where are your DC whilst he is behaving like this?

You're on holiday. start drinking whatever time you like. Get drunk if you want. Certainly it sounds like your MIL is making it gin o'cock all the time

How very dare the MIL be concerned about her son when his father was an alcoholic and he is behaving so childish. What a crime.

[purplecoathanger]

What I would do is cut out the booze and make attempts to get along with your very kind and generous in-laws.

[purplecoathanger]

You come across as irresponsible parents who are behaving like complete idiots. No wonder MIL is upset with you.

[Gwencooper81]

I'm laughing at a MIL who raised a son that thinks this behaviour is acceptable (the son) and yet she critiques your parenting!
Your DH has been a twat. But but but.. this isn't a holiday. Hire a car/taxi heck even a bloody mountain donkey and have some time away having fun!.
When you get home I think you all need a clear, sober discussion of future expectations. It seems as if you've done out of your way to comply and keep your head down whilst DH is acting like a stroppy teenager!

[MaybeNextWeek]

'They're on holiday with their toddler, Collaborate so no, they can't start drinking whatever time they want, and getting drunk whenever they want.'

This ^. Your mil probably sees lots of warning signs in your dh with his drinking. Have some empathy and while she may be overreacting, that is understandable when his dh is an alcoholic. It is possible to have a nice holiday and not get shit faced. I would, for the sake of a free week, free flights and free food grow up really and consider those around you.

[tigerskinrug]

my only experience of family holidays (pre-meeting my DH) is to spend all day in the pool messing about, eating whatever we like and drinking from about 4/5pm. No rules.

Really? Drinking from 4pm with children in tow? OP lie low for the next 5 days and file those holidays under the "never again" list. Your DH has behaved appallingly, I doubt that your IL's would want him back anyway.

[Quartz2208]

I think your post shows a lack of understanding and insight into the fact that presumably your FiL drank to excess around your DH when he was younger, drank so much that he was incapable of looking after his child (who exactly if you started both drinking at 4 would look after your daughter) and she is seeing it again.

You need to compromise, you and your husband need to accept that drinking to excess is not a toddler friendly holiday (and is dangerous) but that moderate drinking is fine. Your mil need to accept that as well.

To be honest though the angst about not being able to drink, maybe the apple does not fall so far from the tree

[BarbarianMum]

Yes Gwen it was definitely the mother's fault her son drinks to excess. Nothing to do with his father the drunk at all.

[GrumpyOldBag]

It does sound as if your DH is drinking too much.

Would it really spoil your enjoyment of the holiday to drink a little less?

Being unable ("unwilling") to moderate your behaviour around drink to take account of others' sensibilities is a big red flag.

If I was your MIL I would also be very worried about her son's drinking and I think you need to be aware of the possibility that you may be enabling it.

I speak as someone who has been married for a long time to a man who drinks too much.

[sticklebrix]

You or your DH should be stone cold sober all the time because of the pool/2 year old.

WRT to the food YANBU - doesn't affect anyone but you.

[blackteasplease]

She was BU about the food. That's rude.

But your h is very unreasonable to drink so much and get shitfaced.

The ILs shouldn't critique your parenting. Neither should your h leave it all to you.

I wouldn't go again.

[Collaborate]

Collaborate and who will look after their two year old whilst they get drunk??

Please read my post carefully. One is sober enough to look after the child. You don't have to be sober enough to drive a car to have charge of a child, despite what many on MN may seem to think.

Being unable ("unwilling") to moderate your behaviour around drink to take account of others' sensibilities is a big red flag.

No, it really isn't. It's an adult making their own decisions and not all subscribing to the wishes of the one who wants everyone to drink the least.

[sticklebrix]

Posted too soon.

I agree with PPs that you and DH should look at why drinking is so important to you on this holiday. Especially given MIL's previous experience. I'd be inclined to listen if she's pointing out red flags TBH.

[DayMoth]

Sounds tough!

I don't think your MIL is U though. Her holiday home, her rules so your DH is being very unfair to ruin it for her.

As for the food, how much were you taking? If you were helping yourself to double the amount others had that's quite rude. Did your PILs buy enough to last for the week? If it's hard to get groceries due to remote location, I think everyone needs to eat/drink in moderation.

[Flyinggeese]

OP I think MIL's comments about your eating are out of order completely however I can see her point on everything else. sorry to say it but the drinking situation would be unbearable for me. Football songs and mooning?!