Holiday tension.... WWYD

[Bellyrub1980]

Right, to set the scene: Me, my DH, DD, MIL and SFIL are here together on holiday. It is actually my in-laws house half way up a mountain in a warm corner of Europe. It has a pool and is pretty idyllic all round. However it is very remote, nothing around for about 30 min drive. No public transport. Dodgy mountainside roads that aren't safe to walk or cycle on. The In-laws have kindly paid for our flights and refuse to take any money for us staying here and eating their food (which they insist on cooking, and they are brilliant cooks). We're very very lucky.

However, the holiday does come with some T's and C's. It is very well-to-do, middle class, civilised etc. It is very pleasant but very... erm... 'controlled' I think is the right word. In fact, the theme of the holiday could well be 'Everything in moderation'. This is slightly at odds with my idea of a holiday which is more 'everything to excess' .... but I didn't pay for this holiday so I'm willing to go with the flow. This is our 5th-ish time out here as a couple/family.

As a background point, MIL has always monitored how much I eat. She literally raises her eyebrows if I go for second helpings because I'm overweight. It grinds me slightly, but is just a foible of hers and for the most part I ignore it and do my best to have some self control so as not to disgust her.

But anyway, here is the issue...

On day 3 after dinner, MIL stands up and states how she cannot understand why DH (my DH that is, not her DH) has to drink so much. She then turns to me and says I'm not much better. She is upset because DH's biological father is/was an alcoholic. She cannot stand people drinking to access. I agree that my alcohol tolerance has 'improved' lately and DH rolls his eyes and says 'I'm on holiday mum'. And that's that. Off she goes to bed. I didn't say more because I was totally stunned by the confrontation and I'm rubbish with thinking on the spot. Plus I had 3 gins inside me.

I must admit I was pretty annoyed at the accusation of drinking too much. I certainly wasn't drunk and the gin I was drinking was bought by us at the airport. Plus I'm nearly 40, so im really not accustomed to somebody monitoring my alcohol consumption. I had a good old rant to my friend via text and decided I'd continue the holiday booze-free so as not to cause any more upset.

The thing is, my only experience of family holidays (pre-meeting my DH) is to spend all day in the pool messing about, eating whatever we like and drinking from about 4/5pm. No rules. Just having a laugh. I appreciate not all families are like this, but this is my default setting for a holiday if you will. So it is an adjustment for me to be so controlled on holiday. But I'm trying to remind myself.... it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday.... and just be greatful.

Yesterday DH, who seems to have fully regressed into a teenager rebillion mode, gets completely shit faced, singing football (?!) chants whilst mooning and dancing around the pool drunk. Eyebrows are raised. MIL is not impressed. We go out for dinner (against my advice) and whilst he goes to the loo MIL asks me why he decided to get so drunk. I explain I'm not sure why, but I think it's an act of defiance. "How very childish" is the response.... and I have to agree.

The atmosphere now is terrible. MIL and DH basically are at loggerheads. DH is in a terrible mood and is not at all fun to be around. Our DD is always a heartbeat away from a tantrum (she's 2) and how I 'parent' her is constantly being watched and critiqued. I just literally can't relax now, and there are 5 days to go. I plan to keep my head down and stay out of the way as much as I can until we go home. But I'm interested to hear... WWYD?

[namechange20050]

A lot of wilful misinterpretation going on here. Op states that it was after dinner when MIL pulled her up for drinking 3 gins. She also states that it was pre DH (and presumeably DC) that she would have the kind of holiday where you drink from 4 or 5. I don't see what's wrong in any of this but it's brought the temperance crew out in force. I think there's a lot of projection going on from some posters.

[namechange20050]

My advice OP is to hire a car for the rest of the holiday and go out on day trips. Don't go there with them again.

[RoseandVioletCreams]

sheepskinshrug Wed 17-May-17 08:13:44

^^ good post,.


she is assuming she has the right to dictate her rules on the Op's family, she wants to be the parent. I imagine she enjoys being in control now and while some sympathy might go to her reasons for this - the alcohol aspect, there is no excuse for the restriction of food

yy

AND yy to the going to supermarket for more.

[RoseandVioletCreams]

but it's brought the temperance crew out in force

[sheepskinshrug]

A lot of wilful misinterpretation going on here. Op states that it was after dinner when MIL pulled her up for drinking 3 gins. She also states that it was pre DH (and presumeably DC) that she would have the kind of holiday where you drink from 4 or 5. I don't see what's wrong in any of this but it's brought the temperance crew out in force. I think there's a lot of projection going on from some posters.

[chocatoo]

Agree that MIL is probably over sensitive about drink but for obvious reasons - it would be kind to cut her a bit of slack and maybe your husband needs to consider how much he drinks. Presumably he expects you to do all the child care whilst he's drinking. MIL is probably now worrying that you wont ever want to come back. I suggest that you need to try to find a 're-boot' button for the holiday - this could perhaps be achieved by having a day out where you have other stuff to talk about like the architecture/scenery, etc. Is there a local bus that you could hop on? Good luck. Hope that the holiday manages to get back on track!

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I don't see what's wrong in any of this

Don't see what's wrong with drinking so much you think it's ok to moon and sing football songs and have to cancel diner?

but it's brought the temperance crew out in force. I think there's a lot of projection going on from some posters.

From people who have experience of alcoholism and can see thongs from MIL pov you mean.

[ElspethFlashman]

But who says the food is restricted? Not the OP. She says it's everything to excess and I presume that means food too!

Not that that's normally anyone's business - unless it's communal food, which it seems to be.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

*things.

[CustardLover]

I'm confused about the food. The ILs make it, right? So either: a) they make enough for there to be second helpings, in which case why do that if they disapprove or more being taken? B) they don't make enough for second helpings, in which case the OP is being greedy at the expense of another portion or c) there are second helpings...but not for OP, in which case get down the supermarket.

[namechange20050]

PigletWasPoohsFriend you have wilfully misrepresented me and you know it. Either that or you struggle with basic comprehension? I addressed only the OPs behaviour, not her husbands. I don't think the OP has done anything wrong.

[MrsBobDylan]

Thing is, your are (fortunately) not married to your mil, your dh however, is being horrible to you and dd and getting pissed in the evening and acting like an out of control 15 year old. You need to tackle him and tell him it's not on and he's ruining your holiday.

[BluePeppers]

No I wouldn't go back on hols with them if you are finding it so hard.

I personally think that your MIL reaction to the drinking is completely understandable. She clearly has a complex relationship with it, with good reasons. And you BOTH are drinking to excess sorry.
If after three gins, you couldn't think of an appropriate answer to her because of the alcohol, then you were drunk, not just having a drink.
So your MIL certainly had a point IMO.

What it doe point out towards is the huge gap between how yu think about living your life and how they think it's the best way to live their life. You are BOTH (you and DH vs PIL) trying to impose your way of doing things to each other.
You shouldn't be drinking so much/I'm going to drink
Moderation is best/I'm going to have whatever the heck I want

As neither of you is able to relax their 'standards' and accommodate the other, then don't try again.

For the rest of the holidays, I would make myself small, follow their leads (PIL that is) until you are back home.

Last question for you though. If your idea of a holds is to get drunk from 4.00pm onwards, what sort of holidays are your planning to have now that you have a child?

[RoseandVioletCreams]

I have a ton of experience with alcoholism and speaking to a potential or would be or alcoholic like mil has done is the wrong thing to do.

If Mil is truely worried about her son and she feels she can offer help and advice then she needs to do it properly and find out proper help and advice.

What we do know is - her concern has caused her son to be childish. Perhaps she has no clues to her sons personality at all or is really stupid or all or both.

[sheepskinshrug]

When I cook I take into account people's appetites - I don't decide how much is enough for them based on what I think they should eat. I might get it wrong the first night but I'd be sure to cook more the second night so that if someone wished to have second helpings, their desire would be met - that's what you do if you wish to be a good host, what is the justification for doing otherwise?

[DisappearingFish]

I bloody love drinking and take every opportunity to enjoy a session but even I know there's a time and a place. On holiday with a 2 year old and the ex-spouse of an alcoholic is not the time or place.

[MsGameandWatch]

It's funny how anyone who ever has a problem with people who drink excessively is labelled uptight and the implication is that they don't know how to have a good time and they're overreacting. It's something I have seen in real life many times. The people they had problems with pretty much all went on to develop serious drinking problems. Personally I can tell the difference between social drinking, getting a bit pissed etc, but for me, mooning your parents, wife and child and charging round drinking football songs is way beyond that in addition his parent was an alcoholic. To me this is very problematic drinking behaviour.

I'm not sure about this thread to be honest but it's certainly thrown up some interesting points.

[MsGameandWatch]

I have a ton of experience with alcoholism and speaking to a potential or would be or alcoholic like mil has done is the wrong thing to do.

If Mil is truely worried about her son and she feels she can offer help and advice then she needs to do it properly and find out proper help and advice.

•What we do know is - her concern has caused her son to be childish. Perhaps she has no clues to her sons personality at all or is really stupid or all or both.

I think that's quite unfair. Most people worried about a loved ones drinking would talk to them as a first port of call wouldn't they? I know I didn't sprint to the internet to decide the best way to handle it when my ex started drinking. There was lots of talking and trying to communicate to begin with.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

As a one off I dont think that it means he is an alcoholic or following in his fathers footsteps, how ridiculous! If that was the case then every single person who has ever got rat arsed just for the sake of it would be one.

I am not saying it was acceptable behaviour but it was clearly a reaction to the bollocking he got from his mother rather than a need to be pissed. There is a massive difference between sinking a bottle as two fingers to his mother and needing to sink that bottle.

Its does seem to me that on MN, if anyone gets drunk ever then they have a problem, which is just as silly as under reacting to someone getting drunk every day.

[danTDM]

mmm. start a thread mentioning alcohol and the cake eating abstainers come out.
Neither of you are alcoholics FFS.
OP don't go again!!

[ElspethFlashman]

But it clearly wasn't a one off cos by Day 3 the MiL was shocked by how much they were both drinking and that little display was on Day 4.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Neither of you are alcoholics FFS.

Do you know them personally?