Holiday tension.... WWYD

[Bellyrub1980]

Right, to set the scene: Me, my DH, DD, MIL and SFIL are here together on holiday. It is actually my in-laws house half way up a mountain in a warm corner of Europe. It has a pool and is pretty idyllic all round. However it is very remote, nothing around for about 30 min drive. No public transport. Dodgy mountainside roads that aren't safe to walk or cycle on. The In-laws have kindly paid for our flights and refuse to take any money for us staying here and eating their food (which they insist on cooking, and they are brilliant cooks). We're very very lucky.

However, the holiday does come with some T's and C's. It is very well-to-do, middle class, civilised etc. It is very pleasant but very... erm... 'controlled' I think is the right word. In fact, the theme of the holiday could well be 'Everything in moderation'. This is slightly at odds with my idea of a holiday which is more 'everything to excess' .... but I didn't pay for this holiday so I'm willing to go with the flow. This is our 5th-ish time out here as a couple/family.

As a background point, MIL has always monitored how much I eat. She literally raises her eyebrows if I go for second helpings because I'm overweight. It grinds me slightly, but is just a foible of hers and for the most part I ignore it and do my best to have some self control so as not to disgust her.

But anyway, here is the issue...

On day 3 after dinner, MIL stands up and states how she cannot understand why DH (my DH that is, not her DH) has to drink so much. She then turns to me and says I'm not much better. She is upset because DH's biological father is/was an alcoholic. She cannot stand people drinking to access. I agree that my alcohol tolerance has 'improved' lately and DH rolls his eyes and says 'I'm on holiday mum'. And that's that. Off she goes to bed. I didn't say more because I was totally stunned by the confrontation and I'm rubbish with thinking on the spot. Plus I had 3 gins inside me.

I must admit I was pretty annoyed at the accusation of drinking too much. I certainly wasn't drunk and the gin I was drinking was bought by us at the airport. Plus I'm nearly 40, so im really not accustomed to somebody monitoring my alcohol consumption. I had a good old rant to my friend via text and decided I'd continue the holiday booze-free so as not to cause any more upset.

The thing is, my only experience of family holidays (pre-meeting my DH) is to spend all day in the pool messing about, eating whatever we like and drinking from about 4/5pm. No rules. Just having a laugh. I appreciate not all families are like this, but this is my default setting for a holiday if you will. So it is an adjustment for me to be so controlled on holiday. But I'm trying to remind myself.... it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday.... and just be greatful.

Yesterday DH, who seems to have fully regressed into a teenager rebillion mode, gets completely shit faced, singing football (?!) chants whilst mooning and dancing around the pool drunk. Eyebrows are raised. MIL is not impressed. We go out for dinner (against my advice) and whilst he goes to the loo MIL asks me why he decided to get so drunk. I explain I'm not sure why, but I think it's an act of defiance. "How very childish" is the response.... and I have to agree.

The atmosphere now is terrible. MIL and DH basically are at loggerheads. DH is in a terrible mood and is not at all fun to be around. Our DD is always a heartbeat away from a tantrum (she's 2) and how I 'parent' her is constantly being watched and critiqued. I just literally can't relax now, and there are 5 days to go. I plan to keep my head down and stay out of the way as much as I can until we go home. But I'm interested to hear... WWYD?

For heaven's sake, I am virtually teatotal and even I think that OP's three measures of gin whilst on holiday after her DD was asleep is moderate.
Good grief!

To expat in scotland this mil is frightened. That is why she is coming over as controlling. Can no one see below the surface of human behaviour? Finally thanks to the young royals they are teaching it in schools. MIL is the only reasonably sober adult with a 2 year old to mind because no one else there is capable. I should think she is terrified. Are there no adults that behave like adults these days and I am in my 50s?. Like to have fun and a drink as much as anyone but not if in charge of a child.

To kaitlinktm OP was boasting she starts drinking at 4pm. Gin after DD in bed is fine but 3 every day is a lot. People do not realise. Alcohol is more dangerous than heroin said Govt. scientific advisor, everyone is in denial because it is so available. People in their twenties are for the first time being treated for liver damage. Alcohol causes more social damage and in particular damage to children than any other drug including heroin. As a child psych. I have not only experienced the damage myself of emotionally absent parents ie, drunk parents, but I see it in kids all the time. As I said, middle classes in denial, including, with respect, yourself. Read the science.

'To expat in scotland this mil is frightened. That is why she is coming over as controlling. Can no one see below the surface of human behaviour? '

Did you bother to read my posts?! Yeah, I get that she's frightened, I am bloody terrified when my kids chose to engage in behaviours (sports) that may end in their death, I cannot endure losing another child. But this is my issue, and yes, I could exercise controlling and manipulative behaviour over them because of my fear and PTSD, but that would be wrong of me (blatantly dangerous scenarios excepted as both are still minors). Wrong, wrong, wrong, especially as adults. It's unacceptable and she needs therapy and the OP and her H would certainly be in their remit to say 'No more holidays with you.'

'MIL is the only reasonably sober adult with a 2 year old to mind because no one else there is capable.'

Where are you getting that? The OP had three G&Ts of 50ml over three hours.

'Are there no adults that behave like adults these days and I am in my 50s?. Like to have fun and a drink as much as anyone but not if in charge of a child.'

So having a glass of wine or G&T when in charge of your own child is 'not adult' .

'To kaitlinktm OP was boasting she starts drinking at 4pm. Gin after DD in bed is fine but 3 every day is a lot. '

SMH. She had 3 gins on one day of the holiday, over 5 hours. Yep, she's an alcoholic. Everyone who drinks on holiday is an alkie .

I am being factual not condescending. There are a lot of parents here who need a reality check where booze and children, let alone their own health is concerned. I am standing my ground. So don't patronise me. Read the science for yourselves. 3 gins you pour yourself is about six units.women's safe limit is 14 units a week. On 6 units most women are pissed, I would be. So if the house catches fire can you rescue your child? Remember, even VERY YOUNG CHILDREN notice drunkeness. When drunk you are emotionally absent and NOT THERE FOR YOUR CHILD. This damages them PERMANENTLY. End of.

Cool1Cat did you miss the bit where the MIL sat and drank several drinks but the OP and her husband were allowed none?

And I am sorry to those I am making feel guilty about their drinking in a society awash with booze. Don't be guilty because we are in a society awash with booze. Just start putting your kids first or don't have any if you can't make the sacrifices including changing some lifelong habits. This is one reason why there is so much mental illness in kids these days. There is a lot more booze around, and found totally acceptable, than there was 20 years ago. Your posts against me just prove how much more acceptable over drinking is!

"if someone invites you to their house and says I'm a vegan/vegetarian/Muslim/tee total so we don't have any animal products/meat/pork/alcohol in the house you would feel entitled to ignore that?"

granny it isn't like that though.

If the OP's MIL had've actually said "come for a holiday, no drinking in my house though" the OP and her DH would probably have thought "that's fair enough but we will only stay for 4 days then head to a hotel where we can let our hair down a bit more once DD is asleep".

But to say nothing, then get irritable when people have 3 drinks... bit off.

And I am sorry to those I am making feel guilty about their drinking in a society awash with booze.

You do realise that plenty of people posting drink very little or not at all, and that people who may find your posts condescending and not factual and disregarding of what the OP has posted may in fact also be teetotal or very light drinkers. Disagreeing with you does not mean such posters are alcoholics or indeed drinkers at all .

Well OP your inlaws sound really dull and your DH sounds like an immature knobhead so I feel rather sorry for you

In terms of WWYD I would self medicate until I get home and then plan how to avoid future holidays with PILS and have a serious talk with DH about everything that has happened.

PRIMALASS that's not what happened and you know it. Why can't anyone check the facts before they post?If you want to have a go at me find some FACTS and express yourself in proper English, not an irrelevant muddle. These are parents who clearly drink too much to be in charge of a child.

Cool1Cat - I think it might be time to step away from the thread.

Cool1Cat - I think it might be time to step away from the thread.

I agree.

Well stop having a go with irrelevant insults because I am smarter, more articulate and the only one on a MUMSnet thread who has shown any concern for the most important person here and that is the child. So with that thought I will leave you all to your selfish addiction to alcohol and the fact that it comes before the welfare of children.

On 6 units most women are pissed

Some are some aren't.

HTH

Well stop having a go with irrelevant insults because I am smarter, more articulate

No you really aren't.

Some of the attitudes on this thread are very skewed.

Drinking on holiday from 4pm is shocking?! Really?
3 small gins over 3 hours is excessive?! Really?

I am thanking my lucky starts for my lovely ILs who we frequently holiday with. We don't always see eye to eye but the food and drink is never restricted, they believe holidays are to be enjoyed.

Really? Have you shown any interest here in the welfare of children PIGLET? That is so childish. The welfare of children is what Mumsnet is really for. Perhaps you had not realised that and thought it was about children in the bodies of adults gaining as much pleasure for themselves, including the narcissism of having babies but not the hardest parts of the work of raising them, and getting together on threads like these to have a childish playground laugh bullying a poster they don't agree with. Well you can't bully me.

'oh, maybe you are too pissed to write. '

Eh? Part of literacy is grammar, punctuation and capitalisation. I am not the one lacking in this department. You actually sound a bit disturbed. I don't need to ask my GP anything, I drink maybe a half bottle of wine a week . You're also being quite insulting in your generalisations. Oh, I'm not middle class, either.

Cool1cat... hiya! OP here. If it puts your mind at rest, I've not touched a drop since those fateful gins. I wouldn't enjoy it even if it was offered now, so what's the point? I will continue to have a glass of wine at the weekends at home though, so there we are.

A few people have assumed my DH is some kind of drunken lout. But the mooning/chanting incident was a very weird one off. I can count on one hand how many times I've seen him shitfaced. But he is incredibly sensitive when it comes to his mum and he retaliated to her comments like a stroppy teenager. Today I reminded him about his behaviour.... his little hairy bum wiggling to the chant of 'here we go! here we go! here we go!'

I've simmered down quite a bit since yesterday. I liked the idea several PP's had of treating this as a health spa and have spent loads of quality time with my daughter playing on the pool and investigating the gardens, mostly pretending to be the naughty baby while she's the bossy mummy (oh the irony!!)

...OT but can anyone suggest any nice 2 person games or activities to play outside? Something suitable for a 2yr old.

So whilst the situation is the same, my attitude towards it has changed. I even poured my DMIL a G&T tonight and I only felt the slightest urge to stick my tongue in the flow of gin as it left the bottle.

So I'm still a wet lettuce, but a less angry one!!Ok