Holiday tension.... WWYD

[Bellyrub1980]

Right, to set the scene: Me, my DH, DD, MIL and SFIL are here together on holiday. It is actually my in-laws house half way up a mountain in a warm corner of Europe. It has a pool and is pretty idyllic all round. However it is very remote, nothing around for about 30 min drive. No public transport. Dodgy mountainside roads that aren't safe to walk or cycle on. The In-laws have kindly paid for our flights and refuse to take any money for us staying here and eating their food (which they insist on cooking, and they are brilliant cooks). We're very very lucky.

However, the holiday does come with some T's and C's. It is very well-to-do, middle class, civilised etc. It is very pleasant but very... erm... 'controlled' I think is the right word. In fact, the theme of the holiday could well be 'Everything in moderation'. This is slightly at odds with my idea of a holiday which is more 'everything to excess' .... but I didn't pay for this holiday so I'm willing to go with the flow. This is our 5th-ish time out here as a couple/family.

As a background point, MIL has always monitored how much I eat. She literally raises her eyebrows if I go for second helpings because I'm overweight. It grinds me slightly, but is just a foible of hers and for the most part I ignore it and do my best to have some self control so as not to disgust her.

But anyway, here is the issue...

On day 3 after dinner, MIL stands up and states how she cannot understand why DH (my DH that is, not her DH) has to drink so much. She then turns to me and says I'm not much better. She is upset because DH's biological father is/was an alcoholic. She cannot stand people drinking to access. I agree that my alcohol tolerance has 'improved' lately and DH rolls his eyes and says 'I'm on holiday mum'. And that's that. Off she goes to bed. I didn't say more because I was totally stunned by the confrontation and I'm rubbish with thinking on the spot. Plus I had 3 gins inside me.

I must admit I was pretty annoyed at the accusation of drinking too much. I certainly wasn't drunk and the gin I was drinking was bought by us at the airport. Plus I'm nearly 40, so im really not accustomed to somebody monitoring my alcohol consumption. I had a good old rant to my friend via text and decided I'd continue the holiday booze-free so as not to cause any more upset.

The thing is, my only experience of family holidays (pre-meeting my DH) is to spend all day in the pool messing about, eating whatever we like and drinking from about 4/5pm. No rules. Just having a laugh. I appreciate not all families are like this, but this is my default setting for a holiday if you will. So it is an adjustment for me to be so controlled on holiday. But I'm trying to remind myself.... it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday.... and just be greatful.

Yesterday DH, who seems to have fully regressed into a teenager rebillion mode, gets completely shit faced, singing football (?!) chants whilst mooning and dancing around the pool drunk. Eyebrows are raised. MIL is not impressed. We go out for dinner (against my advice) and whilst he goes to the loo MIL asks me why he decided to get so drunk. I explain I'm not sure why, but I think it's an act of defiance. "How very childish" is the response.... and I have to agree.

The atmosphere now is terrible. MIL and DH basically are at loggerheads. DH is in a terrible mood and is not at all fun to be around. Our DD is always a heartbeat away from a tantrum (she's 2) and how I 'parent' her is constantly being watched and critiqued. I just literally can't relax now, and there are 5 days to go. I plan to keep my head down and stay out of the way as much as I can until we go home. But I'm interested to hear... WWYD?

If you haven't lived with an alcoholic you don't understand the feelings other people's drinking especially those close to you brings

Excuses. I've lived with an alcoholic, it doesn't give me the right to control everyone elses drinking, or to be a dick about their eating habits or any of the rest of it.

Dear bellyrub1980

You had my sympathy all the way along, while telling us what a horrible situation you, DH and DC found yourselves in, on that 'holiday' in Europe. For whatever reason, your MIL is extremely controlling and not afraid to impose her will upon you, at the cost of spoiling your 'holiday'. She has shown you what she expects and you have complied, for the sake of the peace. Fair enough, I would have gritted my teeth and got through it.

Now, she has established how it is to be and plans another one, again to her (horrible, selfish) rules. Why on earth would you go along with it again? I would absolutely stick to the 'thank you very much, what a shame , that would have been lovely, what a pity that it doesn't work for us'. Once you establish yourself like this, you may be surprised how she is prepared to shift her position.

If you go again, you will be stuck for ever. Is that the example (and life) you want, if not for yourself, for your daughter? Please don't do it, I really can't bear to watch.

But we don't know why he drank granny and people that drink to excess do so because of underlying causes.

I didn't mean to cause offense it was a jokey comment, but I am sorry I have a family of alcoholics . All sorts of underlying reasons pushing them to drink.

it doesn't give me the right to control everyone elses drinking

YY couldnt agree more.

I grew up with two alcoholics - I don't chose to impose my feelings on other people, Mil needs counselling - for a few issues it seems.

I have had my share of duty family holidays. We have stopped going on them. Repeat that you have made other plans and really want to visit X... Rinse & repeat for future holidays from now onwards.

RoseandVioletCreams, I have lived with it in my family and the last thing that the people coping with the fallout need is to be blamed.

OP, I think ignoring Cornwall until you get home is very sensible. But as for this:
I think I'll have to go as they chose a cottage that was specifically able to sleep all of us
er, no! Your PIL took the risk of spending all that money without asking you, it is entirely their look-out/fault/problem if you don't want to go.

And you really shouldn't want to:-who the heck hovers over a small child making sure she doesn't mix the Play Doh colours? MIXING THE COLOURS ANARCHICALLY IS THE WHOLE BLOODY POINT!

Have a holiday instead of a teenage regression stress sesh. Say no to Cornwall and tell the PIL you are going away as a nuclear family.

Maybe her control issues led her DH to drink to have release and an escape?

What a cunty and ridiculous thing to say!

The only person responsible for an alcoholic's drinking is the alcoholic.

WHY IS EVERYONE ASSUMING THE MAN IS AN ALCOHOLIC! He got drunk on holiday ONCE!!!

I've had to live with the fallout of some pretty terrible things (my child got cancer and died by inches in front of me) but those are my issues. Visiting those on my children is wrong, my problems and issues are not their fault.

Yes, this woman's ex was an alcoholic, yes, that's hard to live with. But she's seeking to control her child and his wife and her grandchild. That's patently wrong no matter what.

She needs to get help for her issues, not expect everyone to cowtow to her because of things that happened in her life.

I cannot imagine visiting my significant issues on my children. I try to minimise this on them as much as possible and seek out professional help to deal with this.

This MIL is lucky in a way she has a wet lettuce for a DIL willing to put up with her manipulative and controlling ways.

I'd be fucking out of there.

Can I just also say - while I grew up with parents who were both alcoholics, the most traumatising thing about my parents was not their alcoholism - it certainly didn't help, they are dry now but their dysfunctional unpleasant behaviour unfortunately did not disappear with the bottle. Alcohol is not solely to blame and often a convenient excuse for those people who fail to step up.

expatinscotland but if you have some houserules e.g. not drinking alot or a meatfree house would you expect people to respect that? If MIL arrived at the OPs house with a suitcase full of chocolate when the OP had made it clear she didn't want her child having chocolate would you be saying well that is just the OPs issue and if grandmother wants to give her chocolate she should.

'expatinscotland but if you have some houserules e.g. not drinking alot or a meatfree house would you expect people to respect that? '

She doesn't have house rules! She has 'Do as I say! I can drink but you can't. I can eat what I please but you can't. I've booked a cottage for this time and you are coming.' That's the difference. She uses generosity as a pretext to be controlling. If the OP and her h chose to put up with that, it's entirely their lookout. There's houserules and there are her issues from her past that she visits on her child. Again, they chose to put up with it, that is their lookout, but I still maintain that that sort of behaviour is inherently wrong. My children are not responsible for my past or what I went through, they are not their sister, visiting the issues I have with regards to that is wrong and if I did that and my relationship with them went tits up as a result, then as an adult I should be willing to accept responsibility for that, not play the injured party and lash out by trying to control them further.

She has issues with other peoples' drinking, those are hers. I have issues with letting my children go away, for example, my daughter is away this weekend with her school residential, and my mind is full of scenarios of how she might die and I'll get hte police at my door or get injured and brain damaged and not herself, all sorts. This stems from the trauma I went through with her sister. So I get help for it.

If I wanted to be manipulative and controlling, I'd let her see how I really feel about it, and she'd likely feel guilty and not go. That would be wrong of me. And whilst drinking is not the same thing, because no one needs to drink, well now one needs to go on rock climbing trips, either or engage in the sporting activities like the ones my daughter chooses that cause me anxiety because of my fears. Visiting that on her is wrong. So I don't do it. I will never consider her 'disrespectful' because she engages in behaviour that affects me in such a way, in fact she doesn't even know, because it's my issue. Can't imagine asking her, 'Why do you need to rock climb so much?'

I wouldn't put up with it from my family, so I don't put it on her.

Where the OP and her h are going awry is by continuing to go on these 'holidays'.

OP had 3 G&Ts and got grief about it. Next night, her DMIL had an aperitif, wine and port (I am presuming 3 drinks in total) while OP had water.

So there is an element of "do as I say, not as I do" going on here. DMIL may well have reasons to not like much drinking going on due to DFIL (ex) and his issues. But that doesn't mean that she should impose 1 set of rules on visiting family and have a different set of standards for herself.

Apart from the other dynamics going on, the OP should be able to enjoy a sociable drink, not going wild but allowed to relax, on what is in reality her holiday. And definitely say NO to the June cottage proposed trip.

MIL isn't looking after a 2 year old, 3 drinks depends on size of glass. OP didn't say her MIL said anything about her eating, unless I missed that post. Her perception is MIL pulls a face, maybe she has an issue with her weight and that is her issue MIL might be totally unaware. From what I've seen MIL hasn't said they can't drink, she said why did they drink so much, makes me think the measures were more than the OP thinks.

I've read most of the thread but might have missed some posts, a grown man who feels it is appropriate to get so drunk he moons and sings football songs round the pool with his wife, his child and his mother there has got some sort of issue for sure. I'm sure his mother is proud.

3 drinks drank over 5 hours - you're metabolism would be using up the alcohol almost at the same rate you are drinking it. Seriously 3 drinks spread over five hours is not a problem for most people - unless you are tiny or have very low tolerance.

She literally raises her eyebrows if I go for second helpings because I'm overweight.

how I 'parent' her is constantly being watched and critiqued.

I would stop going on these trips purely for the above reasons.

Fuck Cornwall. Say thanks but no thanks; you're having a holiday just you, DH and DD. Let the MIL be upset. It is interesting that she is 'quite sensitive' about things that upset her, but can be so utterly INsensitive about you and your weight/eating/drinking/parenting.

It is interesting that she is 'quite sensitive' about things that upset her, but can be so utterly INsensitive about you and your weight/eating/drinking/parenting. That's because she's the only one that matters!

'From what I've seen MIL hasn't said they can't drink,'

Yes, she did. The OP wrote, 'When DH apologised today he was asked to 'just not drink again' while we're here. So he's respecting that. And I've never helped myself to anything other than water and they haven't offered me anything else. So I don't really have a choice.' The OP also says she measured the gin to 50mL, a standard measure, so you're stating that the OP is a liar. Nice.

Realistically, unless you and your husband have very understanding bosses, it is unlikely you'll be able to take holiday in June, given that you've taken annual leave this month. So you won't be able to go to Cornwall, even if you wanted to.

However, perhaps it is time to change your mindset. You and your husband have got into an uncomfortable situation and part of that is because you are both so eager to please his parents. You've been away with them plenty - now is the time you can change things a bit. A villa in a remote spot sounds lovely - but not with a two or three year old. So decide what sort of holiday you do want to go on and book it for next year. Then you won't be able to come on holiday with them (free or not) because you've already got a fortnight in [place you've chosen] booked.

Yes Gwen it was definitely the mother's fault her son drinks to excess. Nothing to do with his father the drunk at all.

And nothing to do with the son's own decisions, either Barbarian, I'm sure he would never drink if it wasn't that his mother held a gun to his head and forced booze down his throat was up to himself.

Like others, I wonder who OP expects to look after her DD while she and DH are getting ratted - and also how much fun they think it is for MIL being sober around a couple who've had so much to drink that they behave the way they do.

Food, however, is another matter. If you want to eat to excess, that doesn't impede your ability to look after your baby, so knock yourself out!

Talk to mil and spell it out that you are adults who get to choose what you eat and drink and perhaps if she had kept her disproved to herself DH wouldn't have reverted to child mode

Oh - puh-leese!

He must be in child mode to start off with to think that what he did was an appropriate response.

Happy Flappy do keep up and read the thread!

MIL being sober around a couple who've had so much to drink that they behave the way they do.
OP and her dh were drinking sensibly (3 gins) until MIL commented at that point the OP's dh ranked to excess and behaved in a very unpleasant manner. Following that the MIL requested that her son did not drink and di not offer her dil any alcohol while she and her partner drank a cocktail followed by wine and port...so hardly the MIL being sober and putting up with appalling behaviour on a nightly basis!

It's a generation thing. The older generation were far more controlled and I think you have to respect that if you are staying at their house and they paid for it. It sounds like an idyllic setting, and you are lucky to be there. Relax, enjoy the good things like the setting and food, and see it as a healthy low alcohol spa break. You are lucky that your DD has grandparents at all, let alone ones willing to spend time with her and you as a family. Try to make peace between your DH and MIL, and that way everyone will have a better time. It can't be easy for them either.