Holiday tension.... WWYD

[Bellyrub1980]

Right, to set the scene: Me, my DH, DD, MIL and SFIL are here together on holiday. It is actually my in-laws house half way up a mountain in a warm corner of Europe. It has a pool and is pretty idyllic all round. However it is very remote, nothing around for about 30 min drive. No public transport. Dodgy mountainside roads that aren't safe to walk or cycle on. The In-laws have kindly paid for our flights and refuse to take any money for us staying here and eating their food (which they insist on cooking, and they are brilliant cooks). We're very very lucky.

However, the holiday does come with some T's and C's. It is very well-to-do, middle class, civilised etc. It is very pleasant but very... erm... 'controlled' I think is the right word. In fact, the theme of the holiday could well be 'Everything in moderation'. This is slightly at odds with my idea of a holiday which is more 'everything to excess' .... but I didn't pay for this holiday so I'm willing to go with the flow. This is our 5th-ish time out here as a couple/family.

As a background point, MIL has always monitored how much I eat. She literally raises her eyebrows if I go for second helpings because I'm overweight. It grinds me slightly, but is just a foible of hers and for the most part I ignore it and do my best to have some self control so as not to disgust her.

But anyway, here is the issue...

On day 3 after dinner, MIL stands up and states how she cannot understand why DH (my DH that is, not her DH) has to drink so much. She then turns to me and says I'm not much better. She is upset because DH's biological father is/was an alcoholic. She cannot stand people drinking to access. I agree that my alcohol tolerance has 'improved' lately and DH rolls his eyes and says 'I'm on holiday mum'. And that's that. Off she goes to bed. I didn't say more because I was totally stunned by the confrontation and I'm rubbish with thinking on the spot. Plus I had 3 gins inside me.

I must admit I was pretty annoyed at the accusation of drinking too much. I certainly wasn't drunk and the gin I was drinking was bought by us at the airport. Plus I'm nearly 40, so im really not accustomed to somebody monitoring my alcohol consumption. I had a good old rant to my friend via text and decided I'd continue the holiday booze-free so as not to cause any more upset.

The thing is, my only experience of family holidays (pre-meeting my DH) is to spend all day in the pool messing about, eating whatever we like and drinking from about 4/5pm. No rules. Just having a laugh. I appreciate not all families are like this, but this is my default setting for a holiday if you will. So it is an adjustment for me to be so controlled on holiday. But I'm trying to remind myself.... it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday.... and just be greatful.

Yesterday DH, who seems to have fully regressed into a teenager rebillion mode, gets completely shit faced, singing football (?!) chants whilst mooning and dancing around the pool drunk. Eyebrows are raised. MIL is not impressed. We go out for dinner (against my advice) and whilst he goes to the loo MIL asks me why he decided to get so drunk. I explain I'm not sure why, but I think it's an act of defiance. "How very childish" is the response.... and I have to agree.

The atmosphere now is terrible. MIL and DH basically are at loggerheads. DH is in a terrible mood and is not at all fun to be around. Our DD is always a heartbeat away from a tantrum (she's 2) and how I 'parent' her is constantly being watched and critiqued. I just literally can't relax now, and there are 5 days to go. I plan to keep my head down and stay out of the way as much as I can until we go home. But I'm interested to hear... WWYD?

Your confusing me now.

Your posts imply to me, you think op should just have a few drinks.

As if you agree with mil she drinks too much but all op has said she has drunk is 3 g and ts.

do you agree Op does drink in moderation and doesnt need therefore to be told by mil not to drink and that mils own consumption is on the excessive side?

do you also agree ops DH only got shit faced after the comment about his drinking and that he was fine before the comment.

I'm not answering for the OP but in response to Why Keep Going? Because

You want to build and maintain a good relationship.

Before you have kids they are a little easier going on you, they "overlook" some behaviour because you're silly youngsters in their eyes. You can overlook little digs because there's enough positive in the relationship to keep trying. There's hope.

Then when you're pregnant and have young kids you pretty much fall into their ideas of what is right and proper behaviour. You can't drink, or drink very much, you're tired, your life is all focused on the baby. Everything is how they think it should be.
You want to build and maintain a good relationship so you overlook the difficult bits.
You want your kids to enjoy family holidays with their extended family so you get passed the difficult bits.
You have an ideal rosy picture in your mind about how nice these family gatherings will be, the good outweighs the bad so you keep trying.

Then the baby grows, becomes increasingly independant and more their own person.
The parents get more of their lives back, they can start to become more focused on what makes them happy, rather than all about the baby.
Any sympathy for the pains of pregnancy, childbirth, sleepless nights has long past.
This gives more of their lives fair game to be frowned upon. The parents choices for their own bodies and lives. What they buy, do and raise the child.
But you keep trying because you want it to work.

In a way I think the alcohol is a bit of a red herring.

More significant is the fact that op just doesn't feel she can face saying no to dmil. Thank you Huldra that is an interesting post. But this would be the second holiday in two months - that is a lot!
My advice to those starting out - don't ever get into a routine or a pattern with these arrangements so that any particular holiday arrangement is 'expected'.

You want to build and maintain a good relationship The problem is that the way this relationship is going it will not be good, at best it will be play acting at good...more likely it will become a very painful long term obligation all on Mil's terms.

'If MIL has drank 3 drinks tonight there is no need for anyone to abstain.'

She has now told them both not to drink at all. Yes, she has issues having an alcoholic ex, and she needs to work on those because she seems to believe her son is his father. He might be, don't know, but it's downright mean to visit that on your child.

Having lived with an alcoholic I really feel for your MiL.

If you haven't lived with an alcoholic you don't understand the feelings other people's drinking especially those close to you brings.

It makes you very anxious, sad, angry - it puts you on edge. Even though you know it's not the same person - you need to control it because you cannot bare the chaos of alcohol. You had to live with it for so long.

I think your DH has been incredibly disrespectful.

Oh come on! Nobody is forcing a free holiday on anyone.

EXACTLY! You can say, 'Thanks, mum, but we prefer otherwise.'

Sheepskin, yes you're right. That's what happened to me anyway which was my point really, it all starts out well intentioned but the cracks start to show My post was in answer to people who asked if it's that bad why keep going, sometimes these things don't start off as Terrible, or even if they're tough you keep trying.

If you realise what's going on early enough you have the chance to get the right balance. Either a complete NO or reserve a few days as duty break.

'It makes you very anxious, sad, angry - it puts you on edge. Even though you know it's not the same person - you need to control it because you cannot bare the chaos of alcohol. You had to live with it for so long. '

If she needs to control it then she needs to holiday with her spouse on their own. It's not on to control everyone else. She needs to go to therapy for that.

Nobody can force a free holiday on people, that is true. It can be a wierd dynamic though.

Someone can call me up and offer me a free holiday. It will be my holiday and, within the terms and conditions, I can spend my time there how I want. I know if it's a hiking holiday in Serbia, or an all inclusive beach holiday.

This isn't a free holiday like that. One side is paying the expenses for to other party to visit and there are benefits for both sides. One side get a free trip. The other get son, grandchild and wife who may not have paid to go otherwise. In many families it could be a win win situation. In others it's a strange no mans land of Holiday v Guest Visit.

Am I reading this correctly, that MIL booked a holiday cottage in Cornwall three months ago just assuming you would come with them, and did they spring it on you recently? Do you ever get any say in where you would like to go?

I think you should be honest and say that this holiday has shown you that you as a couple and they have differing ideas on what makes it enjoyable. DD is getting to the stage where she needs more activity and company of her own age, and in future you will be concentrating on more child centred holidays. Say that this holiday has been very strained and for the good of all, you and DH have agreed that you will holiday separately from them in future. You will not be joining them in Cornwall.

Huldra yes that's it basically. I know I'm being spineless, I know I'm acting like a naughty child and being submissive. But I'm doing it purely to keep the peace. If I speak up I literally have no idea what the reaction will be and I'm scared of them blowing up and there being a full scale argument.

3 more sleeps and we'll be home. And then we can tackle Cornwall.

But I'm doing it purely to keep the peace. If I speak up I literally have no idea what the reaction will be and I'm scared of them blowing up and there being a full scale argument

But why are you afraid of this? somtimes a good argument it whats needed to clear the air.

And there will be s full scale argument and it will be all centred around the needs of your Mil - all about how she was just doing her best, trying to help the family, working her fingers to the bone trying to make it the perfect holiday and no one appreciates her, might as well not bother, etc etc.

Do you really think it would have blown up if you'd joined your PILs in a glass of wine at dinner?

You are a different entity to your knobrot of a dh. Why should you be dragged into his "punishment"?

He's caused this and you're now worried about keeping the peace.

Is he always this bloody selfish about drinking?!

And don't go to Cornwall!!!

Hope the next 3 days are ok, hopefully they will relax a little.

I'm heading for 50 and have only stopped feeling like a naughty child with some of my family.

Only last year I stopped agreeing with my sibling over an important issue - she hasn't spoken to me since, and although I agreed for years just to keep the peace - the fact that our relationship was hinged on me being compliant made me realise it wasn't much of a relationship. I have no regrets - other than wishing I'd made my views clear years ago.

OP this is not a holiday. I would get through this one and then cancel the Cornwall one.
Please don't let others trample over you just because they throw their money around. It is not generous if it comes with lots of conditions.

Don't lie just say that you want different things from a holiday than them so you would like to go away on your own so whilst you appreciate the thought you do not think it appropriate to go away to Cornwall.

Most people go away to relax and part of that is to eat or drink whatever they want (alcohol or not) whenever they want.

I completely get that the MIL might be affected by her alcoholic ex and not like seeing her son and his wife drink to excess. That's understandable. But it doesn't seem to extend to her and her current husband. They can drink. Which seems unfair really.

The OP's husband's behaviour in the night he got drunk and was chanting and mooning is wrong and won't have helped but he needs to actually address that with his mother. Going for a 10k run and then just swearing not to drink is avoiding the issue completely and not helping.

The OP not drinking is also not helping. The MIL obv feels that she and her husband can drink without it meaning they are alcoholics but not the op and her husband. It's a huge elephant in he room and needs addressing.

The looks and raised eyebrows at the OP if she eats more than the ML judges is ok is also not on. It's rude.

Sounds like the MIL has huge control issues. And I stand by my comment that she doesn't sound like much fun to be around. I would hate to having my eating and drinking policed in to way and would eat and drink more to spite her. My childishness coming through!

Her control issues might stem from living with an alcoholic. We don't know that. It just might always have been part of her.

I think the OP needs to honestly look at previous incidents. Does the OP's husband tend to drink to excess much in front of his mum? If not then he needs to gently point this out. If yes then he needs to address it and if he wants to be treated as an adult he again needs to address this with his mother and point out that he is not his father.

She could be worried about the genetic link with alcoholism or she may just be a control freak. We don't really know from a snapshot. Although from her attitude to food and the OP's comments about the play dough I suspect it's more the latter. (Speaking as someone who was equally as twitchy about playdough colours mixing!).

OP this may well be your last 'holiday' with them. Equally it could actually be an opportunity. Has your dh ever spoken to his mother about the situation with his dad? Obviously he knows about it but have they ever really spoken about it? Maybe he should try talking to her.

The dynamic needs to change somehow.

the fact that our relationship was hinged on me being compliant made me realise it wasn't much of a relationship

YY same here.

Maybe her control issues led her DH to drink to have release and an escape?

Now I'm wondering if the Cornwall cottage is in a remote place so that you have to drive to nearest village, beach, pub etc. It seems to suit MIL to have you under her watchful gaze all the time. I bet she will expect you to all do outings together and spend all evening in the cottage, so that the only privacy you will get is in the bathroom or your bedroom.

Ok, wait until you are home to cancel the Cornwall holiday. Sometimes you need to be away from the tension to think rationally. I also think that it wouldn't be good for DD to hear an argument if it degenerated into shouting and insults.

Sounds like a barrel of laughs. My mil controls food too - esp at BBQ's I cant bear it. I would never cope with a week with her at all.

Maybe her control issues led her DH to drink to have release and an escape? What a nasty thing to say. Take all the responsibility away from the alcoholic, that really suits them, nothing is ever their fault, they don't drink much, everyone drinks it's not just them and of course they only drink because the wife is a nag.