DP has just ended our relationship on holiday...AIBU?

[Distressed2005]

As title.

Currently on holiday in Majorca, 4th day in. Have gone out for dinner tonight, walking along the beach front and a man tries to get us into his restaurant. He did the same the other night and was quite pushy, DP walked away, but I was too polite so kept nodding and smiling whilst trying to slowly and politely back away.

Tonight, we were walking along the same stretch and this man is outside the same restaurant and does the same thing, I say 'No thank you' and DP shouts 'No, FFS we had all this last night, not again' to which the man replies 'Well you have to be classy to come in here anyway, so whatever' DP the shouts over his shoulder, 'oh whatever, piss off'

Everyone was looking and I was embarrassed. This isn't the first time DP has done something like this. I said 'Couldnt you have just walked past and ignored him like everyone else' and he said 'No I couldn't, he was being an arse and I believe in standing up for what's right'

We ended up having a row and he has ended it, saying he needs to be able to 'stand up to arseholes and do what's right' with my consent.

I said what if he had turned aggressive, we're in a foreign country, I'd have been on my own etc, WTF would I have done if it'd have turned nasty?!

In our 4 year relationship, there have been 5 instances of things like this happening. Once, he (stupidly) IMO started arguing with a drunk guy (who was in a massive group of guys) over a chair. In fairness, the guy had nicked the chair from one of our friends when he went to the toilet. That night, I said to DP, just leave it, it's a chair, I'm not getting into a fight over a chair. He was like 'No, he's being a dick, that's XXXs chair' and started to argue with this guy, who went absolutely ape shit at DP and his friends were holding him back. DP almost got aggressive back, but was stopped by my friend's husband. I sat there mortified and scared with some of my girlfriends.

It's just things like that. I understand that people need to stand up to bullies etc in life, I do. But sooner or later he's going to get hurt and I am a really anxious person who hates violence, I'm worried he's putting himself and me in danger.

He did something like this about 8 months ago now and we had a blazing row and he said if I ever questioned him again when he was 'Standing up to arseholes' that would be it.

So, tonight, he said that was it, were over.

I walked off back to the apartment really upset, he followed me and said I can't walk back on my own, I said just leave me, he's ended it anyway.

I'm devastated. I honestly don't know what to do, we're meant to be out here until Saturday.

I feel really hurt that he can't seem to see my POV and angry that he is willing to end a 4 year relationship because I asked him not to get arsey with a restaurant guy on holiday.

I don't know what to do, if we're over then I need to get on a flight home. He's said 'can you really not understand and support my POV?'

AIBU here?!

I really don't think you can change him OP and I don't think you should either. He is who he is and he is happy to stick up for himself and others.

I don't think either of you really want to be in this relationship but it is easier to hold on.

Glad you're ok. Id spend the rest of the week the same way. See how you feel in a few days. Stay away from him for a bit. Enjoy the sun, it's pouring here!

OP I could not lice with macho bull shit either. You need to decide if your boyfriend is right for you. I wonder if you could settle this back at home.

If you rely do decide to stay together then maybe individual or couples therapy would help.

Just so you know I used to suffer anxiety (often called panic attacks)= I was terrified of every day stuff. honesty. even kids scared me! I had CBT and the anxiety went. I do still feel worried about regular stuff but not the grip of anxiety.

I(m not sure I would have always felt comfortable around your boyfriend. I too might worry. I too would back down in situations. Personally, I don't think he is displaying macho bull shit but he has behaved badly on breaking up with you over this so please do think long and hard if you decide to continue. Find what is best for you both, of you cannot find it together maybe you are not best together.

All the best.

Live not lice!

Your partner is the arse hole & you're the one that needs to stand up to him. He'll likely wake up feeling like a twat & apologise/say he didn't mean it. If he doesn't & stands by the break up Don't fly home, I certainly wouldn't. Just enjoy the rest of your holiday reading & chilling in the sun & take time to reflect on what's next for you without him in your life

Take some time to think about it OP - there's no particular hurry is there?

If he'll discuss this calmly, you could ask him if his response in these situations makes him happy. For me, doing nothing wasn't an option as it sent me right back to being that powerless, bullied child. However, getting wound up didn't make me happy either, it was just less bad. These days I've learned some different reactions. Sometimes I find walking away empowering. Others times I'll calmly say my piece and move on. Sometimes telling someone to piss off is quite cathartic. I've learned to judge things and do the thing that I find gets a better result for me.

If he won't discuss it calmly then I'd have a very serious think about your relationship. This upsets you and he needs to respect you enough to at least listen to you and try to work things out.

Oh and I realise that telling people to piss off is bad manners. I don't care. I think sometimes people like for e.g. the restaurant tout rely on people feeling as if they have to be dignified and well mannered and so put up with aggressive sales techniques. If more people said "for fuck's sake will you just piss off" I suspect they'd find a better way to sell things and we'd all be less bothered.

Gabilan a really excellent post. I;m so glad you have found such good ways to do what is right for you and empowering in different situations, that shows a very good (and possibly very rare) strength.

I would probably feel differently about this if you had opened with signs of actual aggression or confrontation rather than saying ffs/bugger off to someone before they detain you for the evening, but are you officially married?

Because if not you might be better off with a man/woman who bases whether they will dare to say ffs/bugger off on a "risk assessment" and he might be better off with someone who is more of a team player in life.

YANBU OP, I would feel on edge if my partner behaved like that.

Whilst I like to think I don't let people walk all over me I have never shouted at someone doing their job regardless of how irritating or blown up at someone over a chair in a pub because I know when to pick my battles!

I think you've hit on something regarding the childhood bullying, I think he's just trying to convince himself and everyone else that he's no longer a victim and never will be again, but unfortunately he's taking small irritations and blowing them way out of proportion in doing so.

I would walk away, he's volatile and needs some counselling to help him process what happened and how he deals with that in his adult life, and I wouldn't want to be there if he ever did really snap and turned violent.

I hope you manage to enjoy the rest of your holiday or get home alright, sorry you're having a shit time.

Team player - Does that mean he can tag her in if he gets tired the next time he kicks off so she can take over? :o

I'm sure he would love that.

Are you planning on having kids with this man? How do you see him being as a parent?

Thanks, Italian.

I don't see this man as a hero but then neither do I think, from what's been said by the OP, that he's a violent, aggressive thug. I suspect like most of us he's a flawed individual who sometimes stuffs up.

I have to say I usually find Italian greyhounds posts to be quite the voice of reason. I did lol when a pp ( navy I think) asked if she had been hacked, because that was exactly my thought too.

Ironically OP, your DP has ended up being the arsehole in relation to the restaurant tout. You responded the way he would normally deal with an arsehole, by picking him up on his behaviour and it's resulted in you being dumped.

Making him a double arsehole.

There is a double standard here and your partner seems to be lacking the judgment of when to be assertive and when to be firm but diplomatic.

Two wrongs don't make a right. And three certainly don't.

Whilst it's been upsetting for you OP, I would use this opportunity to explain how his behaviour makes you feel and that you're not asking him not to stand up to bullies but he needs to exercise his judgment and adapt the way he deals with people. There's a difference between a pushy sales guy and someone stealing your chair in a pub. Neither justifies an immediate aggressive response but if he feels strongly about saying something it needs to be reasonably and sensibly handled, without putting either of you and your relationship at risk.

Your partner seems to have decided he's some sort of vigil ante but not every social misdemeanour requires a full scale response. The world is sadly full of arseholes so you need to have a discussion about this if you want to consider a future together.

There's more than one way to skin a cat and he needs to respect that his actions are causing you distress. There is a middle ground and this event could be the trigger for him to open up to you about his past and to mark a new chapter.

In your shoes I would be willing to move forward and put what's happened behind, if he can demonstrate that he's willing and able to control his emotional reactions and use his judgment.

That's not giving in to situations where he perceives an issue but asking him to take a moment to assess how best to handle it particularly when he's with you and respond with less hostility.

He might find he's actually more effective in getting his message across if he changes his tone.

If there's no change, you know you've tried and it's just not meant to be.

I suspect like most of us he's a flawed individual who sometimes stuffs up

No I think he's just a twat.

Too many women on here have way too low expectations of men, choosing to bill arseholes as 'flawed' and 'human' rather see them for what they really are.

Restaurant bloke escalated it IMO with his "classy" comment.

I love the restaurant bloke's comment, no offense, OP.

"Restaurant bloke escalated it IMO with his "classy" comment."

Definitely, although there was no need for DP to escalate even further to the dizzy aggressive heights of saying "oh whatever, piss off" over his shoulder as he walked away.

Nobody needs that kind of maniac in their life

WhingyNinja "blown up at someone over a chair in a pub" as the op tells it, it was the other bloke who blew up over a chat, not to the OP's partner/ex.

rightwhine thank you that is very kind but in this case I am simply saying it as I see it, as I always do. I really think this is a case of people reading into this what they expect to see. Yes, breaking up over a row was bad, and I've said several time the OP needs to think about all this because of course that was a mean/badly thought out thing to do.

But I've shouted at touts, does hat make me aggressive, dangerous! I'm a bloody wimp. But sometimes people get upset and say it like it is. Touts trying to push you (verbally) into their restaurant are annoying. Of course the OP may know loads of examples of her partner/ex being brutish or erratic etc but if she does I've not read them here, and I've tried to read all the posts.

I'm not even sure I'd want to be with him, because I am a coward. How great is that. A man who is willing to help strangers and stick up for himself and others and lots of us have reservations. I think this world is a bit messed up at times. But as I say, for all I know the OP could post some massive thing that happened where he was really unreasonable (aside from breaking up over an argument, which again, many people do).
But...
helping people in need when no one else does
sticking up for a mate in a pub

Just note what happened in the row... "I walked off back to the apartment really upset, he followed me and said I can't walk back on my own . I am not sure why people are so keen to see a brute.

Cheese I don't agree that "a full scale response" is to say FFS! But I do agree "... he needs to respect that his actions are causing you distress. There is a middle ground and this event could be the trigger for him to open up to you about his past and to mark a new chapter. " That's assuming you both want to stay together.

How has today been OP?

"He might find he's actually more effective in getting his message across if he changes his tone."

Blerp indeed, if only all maniacs were just this amount of maniacal we would all be fine!

Sorry agree, "He might find he's actually more effective in getting his message across if he changes his tone."

There is a major cultural difference between my world in Mexico and your world, Italiangreyhound

In my world and I have had some pretty rough friends in my time, no decent man risks getting their friends and gfs mixed up in pub brawls or in any macho fights, frankly. Just because you can win a fight does not mean you are right.

Too many women on here have way too low expectations of men, choosing to bill arseholes as 'flawed' and 'human' rather see them for what they really are

It's rare that I would be accused of having low expectations of men. Well, that's not quite true. There are a lot of men I expect very little of, but I avoid them.

I think the arsehole thing he did was dumping the OP whilst on holiday. Telling a tout to piss off? Meh. Doesn't bother me. Good manners are a double edged sword. Yes, it smooths our path through life if we're polite to each other. But we can also be taught to kowtow to people who frankly don't deserve it. Telling someone to piss off does not make you a violent arsehole. Of course some violent arseholes do tell people to piss off, so on it's own it's not decisive evidence one way or the other.