DP has just ended our relationship on holiday...AIBU?

[Distressed2005]

As title.

Currently on holiday in Majorca, 4th day in. Have gone out for dinner tonight, walking along the beach front and a man tries to get us into his restaurant. He did the same the other night and was quite pushy, DP walked away, but I was too polite so kept nodding and smiling whilst trying to slowly and politely back away.

Tonight, we were walking along the same stretch and this man is outside the same restaurant and does the same thing, I say 'No thank you' and DP shouts 'No, FFS we had all this last night, not again' to which the man replies 'Well you have to be classy to come in here anyway, so whatever' DP the shouts over his shoulder, 'oh whatever, piss off'

Everyone was looking and I was embarrassed. This isn't the first time DP has done something like this. I said 'Couldnt you have just walked past and ignored him like everyone else' and he said 'No I couldn't, he was being an arse and I believe in standing up for what's right'

We ended up having a row and he has ended it, saying he needs to be able to 'stand up to arseholes and do what's right' with my consent.

I said what if he had turned aggressive, we're in a foreign country, I'd have been on my own etc, WTF would I have done if it'd have turned nasty?!

In our 4 year relationship, there have been 5 instances of things like this happening. Once, he (stupidly) IMO started arguing with a drunk guy (who was in a massive group of guys) over a chair. In fairness, the guy had nicked the chair from one of our friends when he went to the toilet. That night, I said to DP, just leave it, it's a chair, I'm not getting into a fight over a chair. He was like 'No, he's being a dick, that's XXXs chair' and started to argue with this guy, who went absolutely ape shit at DP and his friends were holding him back. DP almost got aggressive back, but was stopped by my friend's husband. I sat there mortified and scared with some of my girlfriends.

It's just things like that. I understand that people need to stand up to bullies etc in life, I do. But sooner or later he's going to get hurt and I am a really anxious person who hates violence, I'm worried he's putting himself and me in danger.

He did something like this about 8 months ago now and we had a blazing row and he said if I ever questioned him again when he was 'Standing up to arseholes' that would be it.

So, tonight, he said that was it, were over.

I walked off back to the apartment really upset, he followed me and said I can't walk back on my own, I said just leave me, he's ended it anyway.

I'm devastated. I honestly don't know what to do, we're meant to be out here until Saturday.

I feel really hurt that he can't seem to see my POV and angry that he is willing to end a 4 year relationship because I asked him not to get arsey with a restaurant guy on holiday.

I don't know what to do, if we're over then I need to get on a flight home. He's said 'can you really not understand and support my POV?'

AIBU here?!

Personally I would catch a flight home. He sounds very controlling and I think he's expecting this to blow over and you'll conform to whatever he says. He expects you to support his point of view and sounds pretty volatile. Obviously you don't want to break up with him, but the warning signs are there, you'll either have to take back control of your own life or carry on having him control you. You're the one making the compromises, not him. Is that what you want out of your life? And yes, his behaviour, apart from being rude, is likely to endanger both himself and you. Walk away. If he follows you and wants to work things out then it's for you to decide, if he doesn't you'll know you're better off without him.

Quite a lot of 'heroes' are actually volatile bullies. Research in the US found that policemen are 2-4 times more likely to carry out DV than the general population.

I think you should let his 'break up' stand, OP.

This will happen again, and you'll hate it again, and you'll fight about it again...

I think you're both in the wrong. He does sound like he's very quick to lose his temper and you sound like a complete dormat, but he has solved your incompatibility problem by ending the relationship. Hire yourself another room and enjoy the rest of your holiday.

I think she does Navyandwhite Not
Just for the restaurant thing thought, the whole post sounds like she would do anything for a quiet life, that would bother me as much as the twattishly angry boyfriend.

I guess we'll agree to disagree then!

Agree restless.

So he's stood up to what he's perceived to be your twatishness, by finishing it with you?
When you do or say things in normal life that he doesn't agree with, how does he deal with your difference of opinion twatishness then? Look hard at your relationship. Do you tend to agree with him normally because you don't have strong opinions/are not that bothered, so normally there is little conflict between you because he gets what he wants the majority of the time? How would he, or does he, react when you oppose what he wants? What I'm trying to get at is whether he respects and values you all the time normally or whether you think he does but that may be because you don't challenge him often as you normally (perhaps willingly) toe the line. When push comes to shove do you feel able to challenge him in everyday situations? I suspect that you don't, as you felt the need to engage with the restaurant man rather than walk on as many do. I think you are more of a people DH pleaser.

What I'm trying to say is that if you examine your relationship closely I think you may find that the outward bursts of aggression are part of who he is and if you stand up to him more , as you did in this case, then you will increasingly see more of this nasty side of him. You don't at the moment because you don't upset him much. Can you see any truth in this op?
If he can finish with you so quickly then that shows a lot of disrespect for your opinions. i know he has acknowledged that he overreacted but he hasn't exactly apologised or conceded that you might have a point, or even said that he will bear your feelings in mind in the future. He's still of the opinion that he should behave in this way and that it's ok because he "risk assessed".

sounds like she would do anything for a quiet life, that would bother me as much as the twattishly angry boyfriend.
Exactly restless - that's what I was trying to get at in my post above.

Well she admits to being "a really anxious person", who appears to worry a lot about 'what she would do' in situations. I think a better word than 'doormat' is probably helpless.

I have a feeling (and I'm quite prepared to be told I'm wrong) that her boyfriends 'take control' nature was probably what attracted her in the first place, shame he turned out to be an angry twat.

Opinions are not facts navy despite your constant posting as though they are.

I think some assertiveness training and counselling might be a good bet. I'm not thinking this is a healthy equal relationship the op is in.

So he has lost it 5 times in 4 years, never directed at OP, and with some justification (who wouldn't be annoyed in a crowded pub if someone came up to your table and took someone's chair? Surely the drunk was the one in the wrong.)

OP if he doesn't suit you then finish with him.

I am never rude to people doing their job (not even Jehovas witnesses). I am not a pushover at all. I very happily stand up for myself but part of being a decent indivisible who 'stands up for what's right' is not being a cunt to people. What principal says one should say For Fucks Sake to a man for asking you to his restaurant and not remebering you from the night befire seriusoly who the fuck does he think he is?

I don't think I have done that have I? Quote me where you feel I have. Rather i have discussed my own experiences of similar situations and how I felt about it. And it's not a case of "defending such behaviour" rather more thinking critically and using my own experiences to form my opinion instead of shrieking simplistically about abuse and control and then trying to shame others that don't agree with me.

Just pondering the type of woman that would be compatible with Prince Charming

There are loads of them on mumsnet. The best recent example is perhaps the woman who started a row with the supermarket checkout operator for giving her a look. You can find plenty of other threads along the lines of AIBU to have lost my temper / called this woman a cow etc. I think the guy sounds like a twat, but there are highly-strung people everywhere.

I agree, the OP sounds like she's at the other extreme to her boyfriend.

Shouting and swearing in public, squaring up to people in pubs, is not a brave or heroic thing - and not doing it doesn't mean you're some sort of doormat.

People do far better in life if they are assertive but polite. (And get involved in fewer punch-ups/near punch-ups.) You can stand your ground without make a public spectacle of yourself.