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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP has just ended our relationship on holiday...AIBU?

373 replies

Distressed2005 · 15/05/2017 18:41

As title.

Currently on holiday in Majorca, 4th day in. Have gone out for dinner tonight, walking along the beach front and a man tries to get us into his restaurant. He did the same the other night and was quite pushy, DP walked away, but I was too polite so kept nodding and smiling whilst trying to slowly and politely back away.

Tonight, we were walking along the same stretch and this man is outside the same restaurant and does the same thing, I say 'No thank you' and DP shouts 'No, FFS we had all this last night, not again' to which the man replies 'Well you have to be classy to come in here anyway, so whatever' DP the shouts over his shoulder, 'oh whatever, piss off'

Everyone was looking and I was embarrassed. This isn't the first time DP has done something like this. I said 'Couldnt you have just walked past and ignored him like everyone else' and he said 'No I couldn't, he was being an arse and I believe in standing up for what's right'

We ended up having a row and he has ended it, saying he needs to be able to 'stand up to arseholes and do what's right' with my consent.

I said what if he had turned aggressive, we're in a foreign country, I'd have been on my own etc, WTF would I have done if it'd have turned nasty?!

In our 4 year relationship, there have been 5 instances of things like this happening. Once, he (stupidly) IMO started arguing with a drunk guy (who was in a massive group of guys) over a chair. In fairness, the guy had nicked the chair from one of our friends when he went to the toilet. That night, I said to DP, just leave it, it's a chair, I'm not getting into a fight over a chair. He was like 'No, he's being a dick, that's XXXs chair' and started to argue with this guy, who went absolutely ape shit at DP and his friends were holding him back. DP almost got aggressive back, but was stopped by my friend's husband. I sat there mortified and scared with some of my girlfriends.

It's just things like that. I understand that people need to stand up to bullies etc in life, I do. But sooner or later he's going to get hurt and I am a really anxious person who hates violence, I'm worried he's putting himself and me in danger.

He did something like this about 8 months ago now and we had a blazing row and he said if I ever questioned him again when he was 'Standing up to arseholes' that would be it.

So, tonight, he said that was it, were over.

I walked off back to the apartment really upset, he followed me and said I can't walk back on my own, I said just leave me, he's ended it anyway.

I'm devastated. I honestly don't know what to do, we're meant to be out here until Saturday.

I feel really hurt that he can't seem to see my POV and angry that he is willing to end a 4 year relationship because I asked him not to get arsey with a restaurant guy on holiday.

I don't know what to do, if we're over then I need to get on a flight home. He's said 'can you really not understand and support my POV?'

AIBU here?!

OP posts:
NotISaidTheWalrus · 16/05/2017 10:20

AS if there is only one profile?

He's a dickhead. What more needs to be said?

MsGameandWatch · 16/05/2017 10:30

Grin I knew you'd search back to find something to quote.

Yes we know you don't think it's ok and most people agree it's not ideal but do not think that he is a complete controlling, violent, aggressive man from the information given. Many people are also managing to discuss it without implying that those who don't agree with them have got something wrong with them, for example the emotive "how on earth are you defending such behaviour" as though your perception of it is the only decent one and that anyone not agreeing is utterly incomprehensible and you're "amazed" by them.

navy I know you can and often do argue all day on here but I have to go out now so forgive me if I don't get back to you to continue our discussion till later.

NavyandWhite · 16/05/2017 10:50

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RestlessTravellerTheSequel · 16/05/2017 10:51

Navyandwhite I think what you're seeing here is black and white. Like people have to chose a side, either the OP or her boyfriend. That's not that case, what I said is that both behaviours would be announying to me.

NavyandWhite · 16/05/2017 10:53

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LovelyLittleThingsReally · 16/05/2017 10:58

She's not simpering in her shoes and fluttering her eyelashes at her 'heroic' boyfriend kicking off and shouting in the street. But calling him out for the embarrassment he is.

NavyandWhite · 16/05/2017 10:59

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JigglyTuff · 16/05/2017 11:07

What did the OP do that was annoying? She backed away, smiling and said 'no thank you'. I'm baffled as to how she should have behaved.

That's how I've always dealt with pushy sales people. It works in souks in Marrakech, outside restaurants in Spain and in markets in Turkey.

Maybe I'm really annoying and never knew?

NavyandWhite · 16/05/2017 11:12

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TheStoic · 16/05/2017 11:13

I'm baffled to what the OP has done that is annoying. Genuinely.

Well, it's all subjective. The chair situation would have really annoyed me if I was him. But I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

RestlessTravellerTheSequel · 16/05/2017 11:14

Well as I say, it wasn't to do with the restaurant but if your comments are aimed at me I suggest you look at my previous posts.

kaytee87 · 16/05/2017 11:32

Imo he's not 'standing up to arseholes' he's just spoiling for a fight but wants to make himself look like a hero at the same time.

I know you're upset but it wouldn't be a great loss breaking up with someone who is so aggressive.

JigglyTuff · 16/05/2017 11:42

Well it would have annoyed me too TheStoic but I would have assessed whether the other bloke looked like he was spoiling for a fight (which he clearly was) and then decided whether or not it was worth pursuing it. Given both men had to be held back by their mates, it sounds very much like it wasn't.

MaryMcCarthy · 16/05/2017 12:03

Woman tells story about other half standing up for himself and having literally zero fights in the four years she's known him

He's trying for a fight!

He picks fights with strangers!

He needs counselling!

He's deeply insecure!

Unquestioningly support his every move because dissent is disloyalty!

I hope you don't have children!

He won't care for his offspring!

He'll hurt the children!

Fuck me :lol:

NavyandWhite · 16/05/2017 12:29

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Gabilan · 16/05/2017 13:09

Is it just me, or is anyone else amused by the irony that a thread about how to handle confrontation has turned into a bunfight?

Anyway OP I hope you're OK. I think one thing we can (almost) all agree on is that being dumped whilst you're abroad on holiday is a shitty experience.

From your description personally I don't think we have any way of knowing if he is abusive, potentially violent etc etc. Only people with a lot more information about him and your relationship can work that out. However, from the little you've said, I'd let the dumping stand. Chances are he will do the same thing again at some point and even if he doesn't, you'll be worried that he might.

rightwhine · 16/05/2017 13:13

I think the best thing the op can do is consider all the opinions, some of which she may not have thought of herself, look at her own relationship and examine it with her new insight. I hope we have been helpful in helping her evaluate the situation and her relationship. Whatever you decide to do op, good luck. Don't make any decision based on fear of the unknown though.

Atenco · 16/05/2017 15:29

Only people with a lot more information about him and your relationship can work that out. However, from the little you've said, I'd let the dumping stand

Yes, OP, because one of these days there won't friends around to hold the other man back and I hate to think what might happen.

MangosteenSoda · 16/05/2017 15:50

I have been in a relationship with exactly such a person.

They are not knights on shining armour or unsung heroes standing up to dickishness, they are people with a short fuse, little tolerance for any unfamiliar behaviour/rules and the kind of person who will scream the street down if things don't go their way.

"Standing up to" someone who's a bit of an irritation by having a shouty fit at them in the street isn't noble or brave, it's tawdry and pointless. You sound like totally different types of people - and you sound much better than him.

NoFucksImAQueen · 16/05/2017 15:57

"helping people" - what picking fights about pub chairs and outside restaurants? Do me a favour. That sort of aggressive crap is what's wrong with society. Idiots kicking off everywhere over the smallest perceived

Well clearly you didn't read where the op said he's helped out in incidents where people have needed assistance. People on the street and car accidents. She also said he was the only one that did. Straight after saying she doesn't want to be a "hero"

NoFucksImAQueen · 16/05/2017 16:02

Ha exactly Mary. How is telling someone you don't want them to take your friends chair starting a fight? We have no background on that incident, no information about what the other person said/did.
I don't think he was wrong to not let someone walk off with the chair.
If they guy had said "excuse me are you using this chair" and her do got up screamed in his face and smashed it round his head I could see your point but it could easily have been
guy walks over and grabs chair
"Excuse me mate we're using that chair"
"Well I don't see anybody on it"
"Oi don't be a dick, our mates in the loo just put the chair back"
"Or fucking what!"

Friends of op "just leave it yeah it's just a chair"

Mate strolls back from the loo
"Where's my chair?"

Italiangreyhound · 16/05/2017 16:40

"...but I was too polite so kept nodding and smiling whilst trying to slowly and politely back away."

Is the OP's opinion of "too polite" her own or that of her boyfriend?

Nodding is a sign of yes, not no. And moving slowly. I can see why it would be annoying. Not worth breaking up over but definitely annoying if you are in a place where people are always trying to sell you thinks.

I think the OP sounds perfectly nice and he sounds like someone who help a stranger who needed help.

Maybe they are just not compatible.

NavyandWhite · 16/05/2017 16:49

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 16/05/2017 16:49

I got think you can see each others POV
He doesn't start any aggression, just doesn't put up with bullies and more than stands his ground
You get anxious about his actions leading to someone getting hurt, this makes you feel uncomfortable

Unless you can come to some joint agreements it's not going to work, but you both have to try and understand each other and both agree on a way forward

NavyandWhite · 16/05/2017 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.