DP has just ended our relationship on holiday...AIBU?

[Distressed2005]

As title.

Currently on holiday in Majorca, 4th day in. Have gone out for dinner tonight, walking along the beach front and a man tries to get us into his restaurant. He did the same the other night and was quite pushy, DP walked away, but I was too polite so kept nodding and smiling whilst trying to slowly and politely back away.

Tonight, we were walking along the same stretch and this man is outside the same restaurant and does the same thing, I say 'No thank you' and DP shouts 'No, FFS we had all this last night, not again' to which the man replies 'Well you have to be classy to come in here anyway, so whatever' DP the shouts over his shoulder, 'oh whatever, piss off'

Everyone was looking and I was embarrassed. This isn't the first time DP has done something like this. I said 'Couldnt you have just walked past and ignored him like everyone else' and he said 'No I couldn't, he was being an arse and I believe in standing up for what's right'

We ended up having a row and he has ended it, saying he needs to be able to 'stand up to arseholes and do what's right' with my consent.

I said what if he had turned aggressive, we're in a foreign country, I'd have been on my own etc, WTF would I have done if it'd have turned nasty?!

In our 4 year relationship, there have been 5 instances of things like this happening. Once, he (stupidly) IMO started arguing with a drunk guy (who was in a massive group of guys) over a chair. In fairness, the guy had nicked the chair from one of our friends when he went to the toilet. That night, I said to DP, just leave it, it's a chair, I'm not getting into a fight over a chair. He was like 'No, he's being a dick, that's XXXs chair' and started to argue with this guy, who went absolutely ape shit at DP and his friends were holding him back. DP almost got aggressive back, but was stopped by my friend's husband. I sat there mortified and scared with some of my girlfriends.

It's just things like that. I understand that people need to stand up to bullies etc in life, I do. But sooner or later he's going to get hurt and I am a really anxious person who hates violence, I'm worried he's putting himself and me in danger.

He did something like this about 8 months ago now and we had a blazing row and he said if I ever questioned him again when he was 'Standing up to arseholes' that would be it.

So, tonight, he said that was it, were over.

I walked off back to the apartment really upset, he followed me and said I can't walk back on my own, I said just leave me, he's ended it anyway.

I'm devastated. I honestly don't know what to do, we're meant to be out here until Saturday.

I feel really hurt that he can't seem to see my POV and angry that he is willing to end a 4 year relationship because I asked him not to get arsey with a restaurant guy on holiday.

I don't know what to do, if we're over then I need to get on a flight home. He's said 'can you really not understand and support my POV?'

AIBU here?!

I couldn't be with someone like that, always waiting for him to be aggressive in public. I'm not a walkover either, I stand up for myself but choose my battles and don't get sweary. The guy on the beach would have got a firm "no thankyou" with a smile and carry on walking if he keeps trying to sell. There is a middle ground.
It's hard though as you say he does this rarely and is fine the rest of the time.

It sounds like you're incompatible.

Of course he's a twat, bully, abusive etc. You did ask on MN after all

It does get boring saying no thanks to people standing outside restaurants but he shouldn't have said, "for fuck's sake". None of us are perfect, of course.

You've said how he does become a hero, helping others and looking out for them and has a strong sense of right and wrong. This is admirable but maybe not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I think the pub example shows that he was sticking up for a friend. Perhaps he should have backed down or de-escalated the situation but it sounds like he'd have your back in any situation. That's a good thing to know. I'm a very black and white person (perhaps a little like your DP) so read "almost got aggressive" as 'didn't get aggressive. That was even when the other person was being physically held back. Many, at that point, would have gone for the first punch.

I don't necessarily think he's a bad person, but you may well both be better off without each other.

You're both being a bit over dramatic. Too much sangria perhaps?

He was not standing up for himself though with the restaurant guy. He was rude and aggressive.

Very rude. It was completely uncalled for.

The chair incident, though, I'd probably have done the same myself.

I will go over and help people when I can despite being chronically ill because that's the kind of person I am. I don't feel the need to shout and swear at people, who are just doing their job or pick fights with people, where there are none to be had and I really don't see the link between the two. Some posters seem to be confusing his aggression with his "hero persona". True heros simply don't feel the need to shout the odds and bash on their chests like this.

I'm the sort of person who would step in to help someone else and i have clear boundaries, won't tolerate unfairness. However there's no need to be aggressive when everything can be resolved politely. It's not like your DH was being mugged and needed to assert himself.

It's not a hero thing, it's a power thing. A hero thing would be quietly and humbly helping someone who was hurt/mugged/had fallen over. A power thing would be unnecessarily verbally aggressively asserting yourself

Does it really matter if someone takes a chair in a pub? It was empty and then used. Go find another chair!

Great post from Bertie

He's a yob.

Pretty amazed at some posters who can't see this.

You're amazed that some people don't share your opinion and interpretation of what happened?

Very insightful post Bertie

He sounds extremely childish. My husband is no wuss, believe me, he's military trained, however, he said the guy sounds like a total dick. You smile politely, and if they get pushy, you walk a bit faster, they'll hardly follow you far ffs, seriously, if he is like this now, then it will only get worse...I know this as my dad was like this. If we were on holiday and something upset my dad, he would go off on one, aggressive and miserable, and he would start petty arguments, and if he didn't get his way would simply storm off , while mum would be upset and crying, stuck in a place she didn't know with two kids and trying to calm us down!
Honestly, find someone who is a little more grown up, you shouldn't have to worry about him starting fights, you are so right, if he starts on the wrong person, that could cause so much strife. Get shot and feel glad!

Saying "question me on this again and I'll break up with you" is a bad sign. Breaking up with you in an argument and then wanting to get back together is a bad sign. Breaking up with you when you're on holiday and trapped with him but away from all your support is a bad sign.

None of this stuff makes for a stable, comfortable relationship. There shouldn't be any issue that you have to walk on eggshells with around your partner, because that issue is more important to them than your relationship and he might just break it off at the first sign of dissent.

He feels the need to stand up for himself whenever he's feeling challenged, and that's important to him. However, his aggressive behaviour when he does it apparently really frightens you - that should matter to him, too. It should be something you two can discuss and compromise on.

Random man wasn't behaving unreasonably, he was doing his job in the same way as loads of people do in tourist resorts

Lots of people just doing their job are simultaneously fucking irritating. I've told chuggers where to go before. Cardiff station on a Friday evening, trying to get home for the weekend, knackered, stressed, about to miss a train if I don't hurry up and a chugger gets in my face. Yep, I'll tell them to piss off.

Of course they're just doing their job and yes it's rude to tell them to piss off. But being rude isn't always a problem. Sometimes as a form of expression it's quite cathartic. Being told not to be rude in situations where you're stressed and someone is pushing your buttons is it's own form of control.

He's got issues and rather than dealing with them, he's acting out his crap on strangers and as you can see from this thread his 'standing up to bullies' bullshit resonates with many.

This is who he is and can I understand why you wish he wasn't so volatile but he doesn't want to be different and he's been very clear about that. The threatening to leave if you don't STFU is also very clear, not only will he not change but him staying in the relationship is dependant on you STFU.

The balls in your court. If you can accept his aggression and volatility when he's annoyed then stay, if you can't, leave. There isn't a third option of trying to fix him, he isn't interested. Also, be aware that STFU is a choice that won't be restricted to this behaviour, if he's successful in manipulating you into STFU, it will be tactic that will undoubtably be used in other situations. This is the moment you decide on your contribution to your relationship dynamic, is STFU going to be your contribution?

Pretty amazed at some posters who can't see this
Well, I'm constantly amazed that posters will read an OP, add their own "facts" to it and claim that's what happened. Time and time again this happens on MN. Posters make huge assumptions based on very little info that thay've also managed to twist to suit their own naratives.

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Those of saying they're incompatible.

Would you put up with that kind of behaviour?

Really it totally depends on how it actually played out. If the restaurant man just asked you said no and then he left it, I would think DP was totally mental and would probably end it.

If he was like so many of the restaurant workers I have come across and won't take no for an answer, I could understand a bit of a reaction from dp. Plus I can see myself being a bit like oh we did this yesterday ffs! Maybe not shouting it at him but certainly muttered it.

I'd be really fed up if my DP/DH was smiling and nodding and engaging. I've travelled a lot and the only way to put a stop to it is to keep walking and do not acknowledge with anything more than a quick and firm "no thanks". or you can lie and say "already eaten thanks".

I'm finding this thread interesting because at no point has the OP ever said he's turned it on her apart from this one time where he broke up with her, in four years there's been several incidents, never directed at her. This is simply not the profile of an abusive and controlling man and yet that's what so many in here are saying. I am rarely on the bloke's side on this forum, too many bad experiences, but from what the OP says, the way he always steps up when people need help, I just cannot see the violent thug that many are seeing.

Swearing at a doorman who's trying to persuade you to come into a restaurant is hardly 'standing up for what's right'.

I agree with Sniv here.

The OP's DP was rude ('FFS' is not a polite term IRL) - it was the restaurant bloke who was standing up for himself against someone being an arse.