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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP has just ended our relationship on holiday...AIBU?

373 replies

Distressed2005 · 15/05/2017 18:41

As title.

Currently on holiday in Majorca, 4th day in. Have gone out for dinner tonight, walking along the beach front and a man tries to get us into his restaurant. He did the same the other night and was quite pushy, DP walked away, but I was too polite so kept nodding and smiling whilst trying to slowly and politely back away.

Tonight, we were walking along the same stretch and this man is outside the same restaurant and does the same thing, I say 'No thank you' and DP shouts 'No, FFS we had all this last night, not again' to which the man replies 'Well you have to be classy to come in here anyway, so whatever' DP the shouts over his shoulder, 'oh whatever, piss off'

Everyone was looking and I was embarrassed. This isn't the first time DP has done something like this. I said 'Couldnt you have just walked past and ignored him like everyone else' and he said 'No I couldn't, he was being an arse and I believe in standing up for what's right'

We ended up having a row and he has ended it, saying he needs to be able to 'stand up to arseholes and do what's right' with my consent.

I said what if he had turned aggressive, we're in a foreign country, I'd have been on my own etc, WTF would I have done if it'd have turned nasty?!

In our 4 year relationship, there have been 5 instances of things like this happening. Once, he (stupidly) IMO started arguing with a drunk guy (who was in a massive group of guys) over a chair. In fairness, the guy had nicked the chair from one of our friends when he went to the toilet. That night, I said to DP, just leave it, it's a chair, I'm not getting into a fight over a chair. He was like 'No, he's being a dick, that's XXXs chair' and started to argue with this guy, who went absolutely ape shit at DP and his friends were holding him back. DP almost got aggressive back, but was stopped by my friend's husband. I sat there mortified and scared with some of my girlfriends.

It's just things like that. I understand that people need to stand up to bullies etc in life, I do. But sooner or later he's going to get hurt and I am a really anxious person who hates violence, I'm worried he's putting himself and me in danger.

He did something like this about 8 months ago now and we had a blazing row and he said if I ever questioned him again when he was 'Standing up to arseholes' that would be it.

So, tonight, he said that was it, were over.

I walked off back to the apartment really upset, he followed me and said I can't walk back on my own, I said just leave me, he's ended it anyway.

I'm devastated. I honestly don't know what to do, we're meant to be out here until Saturday.

I feel really hurt that he can't seem to see my POV and angry that he is willing to end a 4 year relationship because I asked him not to get arsey with a restaurant guy on holiday.

I don't know what to do, if we're over then I need to get on a flight home. He's said 'can you really not understand and support my POV?'

AIBU here?!

OP posts:
WhataHexIgotinto · 16/05/2017 17:28

Just come back to this thread to see that someone 'rather admires' the OP's DP. Give me fucking strength ...

grannytomine · 16/05/2017 18:00

NavyandWhite the OP says 5 incident in 4 years, that doesn't really qualify as at the drop of a hat. Or maybe I drop hats more often than you do.

NavyandWhite · 16/05/2017 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JigglyTuff · 16/05/2017 18:07

Italian - that was the first night. The second night, the OP clearly said she said 'no thank you' to the man.

Italiangreyhound · 16/05/2017 18:58

Navy it has nothing to do with how you or I interpret things. The op said that on two occasion he had helped someone in a situation where others were doing nothing. You may not like the sound of him. But he is someone who has twice comrbto the aid of people in need.

Italiangreyhound · 16/05/2017 18:58

come to the aid of I mean.

Italiangreyhound · 16/05/2017 19:00

Great post ivy.

Italiangreyhound · 16/05/2017 19:05

WhataHexIgotinto I definitely admire the action of coming to the Sid of someone who needs medical or other attention when no one else is helping.

I'm not sure I'd want to see a fight over a chair but it doesn't mean a person is wrong to stand up to someone taking chair. as far as the tout goes, that was admirable behaviour but I admitted pages back I've done similar.

highly sorry you are right the way it reads sounds like it starts with now and goes forwatds but the OP goes backwards retelling the previous *incident' so I read it wrong!

Italiangreyhound · 16/05/2017 19:05

Aid not Sid

Italiangreyhound · 16/05/2017 19:06

not admirable - sorry on phone, it has a mind of its own!

NavyandWhite · 16/05/2017 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShoesHaveSouls · 16/05/2017 19:19

Helping someone out on the street - and being a shouty sweary person who kicks off outside restaurants - the first doesn't excuse the latter.

And you can be the first, without necessarily being the latter.

Italiangreyhound · 16/05/2017 20:37

The way he acted (breaking up with OP) was wrong. I said that before. But he is being painted here as aggressive and bad. I don't think he is either. I think the action towards theOP was bad. I think he is a good person, based on what I'be read. Who lost his temper with a tout, as I have, and said something he regrets, as probably most of us have. I don't think they seem comparable. But if I were injured I know who I would to come along, someone who helped me!

Italiangreyhound · 16/05/2017 20:39

Lots of judgment here, wonder how many injured strangers the saints on here have helped.

Shoes swearing as walking away is not kicking off!

Italiangreyhound · 16/05/2017 20:41

compatable as a couple I mean. She Doran't want a hero. He Doran't want to be cowed by bullies.

One could say being pushy to get someone in their restaurant could be very unacceptable begavior too.

honeyroar · 16/05/2017 20:51

Has OP been back? Is she ok? Have they spoken? Are they still there?

Sorry, scrolled back a few pages but it's other people arguing. Just wondered if she's ok out there..

NavyandWhite · 16/05/2017 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 16/05/2017 20:58

Navy what? If I had, I would say no, and if it was me, I'd say no!

So, no

NavyandWhite · 16/05/2017 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 16/05/2017 21:02

Navy maybe this man is an evil, knuckle dragging beast.

And maybe I have missed some vital post that has so convinced you he is so 'bad'?

But what I have read is a man who was bullied and now will not suffer fools gladly, sticks up for himself, and others, sometimes looses his temper, as do I, sometimes says the wrong thing, as do I, is willing to help out in a crisis (I'd like to think I am) and is not really compatible to the OP.

The bile on here to him is not proportionate to what the OP has posted IMH.

grannytomine · 16/05/2017 21:05

I agree with you Italiangreyhound.

Italiangreyhound · 16/05/2017 21:05

Yes, Navy you are right. I do generally come across as.a bit of a man hater! and I am but in this case I see annoyance not aggression. I also think there may be more we are not being told, could be good or bad stuff. only the OP knows. you cannot sum up a four year relationship in 20 or so posts! So who knows. But I do like people willing to help others and maybe the tout thing was just a poorly judged few wordss, not the drunken brawl that it is being painted appearing to some!

Grin
Distressed2005 · 16/05/2017 21:06

I'm here.

Spent the day apart, on my own, reading a book in the sunshine whilst drinking numerous cocktails. Was quite nice actually.

He has been texting me today, and tried to speak to me in person earlier on. I told him I need more time to think.

I honestly don't know WTF to do. I'm so confused, and can honestly say that, apart from all this shit, we get on amazingly, he is really kind and supportive and I do love him.

But....but, I just can't be arsed with his 'I need to deal with Arseholes' mentality.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 16/05/2017 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reow · 16/05/2017 21:12

Sounds like you had a lovely day by yourself! Reading and drinking in the sun sounds perfect.

Don't rush yourself or feel pushed into making a decision.

I understand how you feel. I could not live with his macho bullshit.