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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP has just ended our relationship on holiday...AIBU?

373 replies

Distressed2005 · 15/05/2017 18:41

As title.

Currently on holiday in Majorca, 4th day in. Have gone out for dinner tonight, walking along the beach front and a man tries to get us into his restaurant. He did the same the other night and was quite pushy, DP walked away, but I was too polite so kept nodding and smiling whilst trying to slowly and politely back away.

Tonight, we were walking along the same stretch and this man is outside the same restaurant and does the same thing, I say 'No thank you' and DP shouts 'No, FFS we had all this last night, not again' to which the man replies 'Well you have to be classy to come in here anyway, so whatever' DP the shouts over his shoulder, 'oh whatever, piss off'

Everyone was looking and I was embarrassed. This isn't the first time DP has done something like this. I said 'Couldnt you have just walked past and ignored him like everyone else' and he said 'No I couldn't, he was being an arse and I believe in standing up for what's right'

We ended up having a row and he has ended it, saying he needs to be able to 'stand up to arseholes and do what's right' with my consent.

I said what if he had turned aggressive, we're in a foreign country, I'd have been on my own etc, WTF would I have done if it'd have turned nasty?!

In our 4 year relationship, there have been 5 instances of things like this happening. Once, he (stupidly) IMO started arguing with a drunk guy (who was in a massive group of guys) over a chair. In fairness, the guy had nicked the chair from one of our friends when he went to the toilet. That night, I said to DP, just leave it, it's a chair, I'm not getting into a fight over a chair. He was like 'No, he's being a dick, that's XXXs chair' and started to argue with this guy, who went absolutely ape shit at DP and his friends were holding him back. DP almost got aggressive back, but was stopped by my friend's husband. I sat there mortified and scared with some of my girlfriends.

It's just things like that. I understand that people need to stand up to bullies etc in life, I do. But sooner or later he's going to get hurt and I am a really anxious person who hates violence, I'm worried he's putting himself and me in danger.

He did something like this about 8 months ago now and we had a blazing row and he said if I ever questioned him again when he was 'Standing up to arseholes' that would be it.

So, tonight, he said that was it, were over.

I walked off back to the apartment really upset, he followed me and said I can't walk back on my own, I said just leave me, he's ended it anyway.

I'm devastated. I honestly don't know what to do, we're meant to be out here until Saturday.

I feel really hurt that he can't seem to see my POV and angry that he is willing to end a 4 year relationship because I asked him not to get arsey with a restaurant guy on holiday.

I don't know what to do, if we're over then I need to get on a flight home. He's said 'can you really not understand and support my POV?'

AIBU here?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Distressed2005 · 15/05/2017 18:58

The relationship is otherwise fine.

I said to him tonight 'Have you been bullied or something growing up, do you feel like you have something to prove?!

To which, he replied 'Yes I have and it's not about having something to prove, it's about being fed up of people getting away with being dickheads'

I really wanted to suggest he sees a councillor or something similar at that point as it became apparent he clearly has long standing issues that are more deep rooted than I realised in terms of bullying etc. But knew better than to even suggest it as I think that would've just made things worse.

There's no way he's backing down on this, as far as he's concerned, he was perfectly reasonable and he'd do it again in a heartbeat.

OP posts:
DailyMailReadersAreThick · 15/05/2017 19:00

I'm with others: neither of you are unreasonable but you aren't compatible, and you either have to deal with it or leave because neither of you will change.

TBH your attitude would annoy me the way his annoys you, because to me you're a doormat.

NavyandWhite · 15/05/2017 19:01

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 15/05/2017 19:01

He needs counselling because he doesn't like aggressive salesmen or people taking chairs from others. Right Hmm

lottiegarbanzo · 15/05/2017 19:03

You are so well rid.

Why can't he see your point of view? Why isn't that as important as you seeing his?

He actually, factually got it wrong this time. Restaurant guy wasn't being the slightest bit unpleasant with his patter, he was doing his job. Your ex introduced unpleasantness to the interaction.

Your ex is a rude, self-centred arse with poor social skills. Stand up to that, Exy McExface!!

NavyandWhite · 15/05/2017 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PovertyJetset · 15/05/2017 19:04

He sounds unecessarily aggressive when he doesn't need to be. It sounds like he is itimidating to boot.

You're incompatible. Go home. Leave him to it.

Mrsmadevans · 15/05/2017 19:05

' I don't want to be with a 'hero' (and he is to some extent, he's the first person to help anyone in trouble, no matter what's going on and the danger to him, I.e people on the street, car accidents etc. He has done both to these in the 4 years we've been together too, and thank god he had as both instances no one else was willing to step in and help people that needed medical assistance etc) '

Your dp sounds like a decent bloke , let him go and find someone who will be proud of the man he is.You are being unreasonable ...what a man!

Fairenuff · 15/05/2017 19:05

Get your passport and money/cards, book a flight home and taxi to airport.

Just come home.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 15/05/2017 19:06

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PaulDacresFeministConscience · 15/05/2017 19:06

He's aggressive - with a hero complex. The refusing to walk away from bullies thing, is an excuse to get gobby and arsey and dress it up as doing the right thing. The insistence on rushing in and being the first to help is because he likes being feted and recognised for what a 'top bloke' he is.

He sounds deeply insecure - as evidenced by the fact that he seems dependent on public validation of his good deeds. He also sounds very angry - as evidenced by the fact that he cannot walk away from a fight or a dispute, completely overreacted to a very common holiday occurrence (enthusiastic/pushy venue promotion). He sounds like a bully himself - as he's made it clear to you that your position is to unquestioningly support his every move because dissent is disloyalty.

In your shoes I'd be packing my stuff, grabbing my passport and digging out the credit card to get transport back to the airport and get on a flight home.

Livedandlearned · 15/05/2017 19:07

I can understand how you feel, my exh was like this, and I really hated it. In the longterm could you see yourself coping with this at social events, weddings, nights out, maybe even work evenings, parties?

I'm sorry I have no advice for the short term, but I hope you get home and move forwards.

Topas0117 · 15/05/2017 19:07

I second DailyMailReadersAreThick. Neither are wrong but you are not compatible as a couple.

You do sound to me like the sort who will 'do anything for a quiet life'.

NotISaidTheWalrus · 15/05/2017 19:08

Hes' not standing up to arseholes and bullies, he IS an arsehole and a bully.

That man was doing his job, he's supposed to try and get people into the restaurant. Everyone knows that. Your man was an aggressive dickhead for no good reason.

You're well shot.

CormorantDevouringTime · 15/05/2017 19:09

Yes, you're incompatible. It's unfortunate timing but there are worse things - I'd book another room in another hotel, ask him to split the cost amicably and get a good book to read by the pool for the next few days. Do you cohabit? Because that's a much bigger deal to unravel - start texting all your friends with spare rooms, or get him to do likewise.

Siwdmae · 15/05/2017 19:09

I think he is unreasonable. I'd be horrified if my dp acted this way. There's no need to such a twat with some bloke who's being paid to tout for business at a restaurant.

He did something like this about 8 months ago now and we had a blazing row and he said if I ever questioned him again when he was 'Standing up to arseholes' that would be it. Is he normally this controlling? You're not allowed to argue with him? He sounds like he's got anger issues.

Anon5678943 · 15/05/2017 19:09

I feel like none of you are being unreasonable and also you both aren't seeing each others pov. It's clear that this is just a part of how he will act he's made it clear he won't change so it's up to you if you can accept it.and if you do stay with him you can't really pull him up on it. You say he makes a big drama but it seems you've made it a drama too by arguing with him about it, I dunno I agree with both of you

Justmuddlingalong · 15/05/2017 19:10

To me it sounds like he was frustrated at you for doing the whole polite, smiley refusal thing. It doesn't excuse how he spoke to the guy at the restaurant, but perhaps he lost his rag. I'm not saying the argument is your fault at all. I ignore the waiters beckoning us in, while my DP is apologetic and polite. I find that incredibly annoying. I think he's being a wuss, he thinks I'm blunt verging on rude. Do you live together, because we do, but still get on each others tits a bit when spending lots of time together on holiday?

gamerwidow · 15/05/2017 19:11

Come home. Do you really want a life of him kicking off at every perceived slight while you're never allowed to comment on his embarrassing behaviour. You'd be constantly on edge waiting for him to overreact again.

Boooring · 15/05/2017 19:12

You're right about it being important to pick your battles. That restaurant guy would be like that with everyone every day so it's not personal. What's the point in shouting at him and getting arsey?

I had a bf like that once, the type of bloke who would take someone on in a pub. It was horrible and I always felt slightly on edge. Occasionally he had a point but it just wasn't worth it. Spoiling the night and embarrassing everyone with the potential for a fight all the time.

Anon5678943 · 15/05/2017 19:12

And also saying about how the restaurant man was doing his job, I've been a few places and these people are really too much by the end of the holiday it's exhausting having to try and get away from every restaurant so I can see why someone like him would react

loveka · 15/05/2017 19:12

I am with your partner here. You are trying to get him to walk on by, which is what you would do.

My partner is like you. If I ask people to take their feet off the seats on a train he gets upset, wants me to shut up. If a neighbour makes noise he doesn't want to offend them. Anything for an easy life.

I find it frustrating because he just let's people walk over us- there have been some big examples, e.g. paying for shoddy building work because he hates confrontation.

We have had to agree to disagree, but sometimes this huge difference rears its head and causes a huge row and resentment.

It's literally the only thing we have argued about.

So you need to not try and make each other behave as you would. You accept he stands up for himself, he accepts you don't.

I really can understand his frustration. Try and see it from his point of view. If you want to make up that is.

PollyPerky · 15/05/2017 19:12

I think there is some truth in most comments here but mine are...

If he is so confrontational it's likely to spill over one day and he may get involved in violence. He appears to provoke people.

People who are smart and savvy know which battles to pick and when to walk away. He sounds like he has to rise to every occasion and his anger is out of proportion.

He needs some lessons in being 'assertive' which is different from being 'aggressive'.

People can be assertive without swearing, shouting in the street and being confrontational.

I agree with you that he needs some kind of therapy. He overreacts too much to the small stuff.

Move on.

MycatsaPirate · 15/05/2017 19:14

I can't believe anyone is defending this man's behaviour. He clearly goes looking for fights. The op says five instances in four years but how many other times has this guy been aggressive to people for little to no reason?

Someone takes a chair? You go over and say, excuse me, can we have the chair back, our friend is using it. You don't go over screaming and shouting and calling someone a dickhead.

He's got issues. You don't need to be part of this. Leave him there and go home.

NavyandWhite · 15/05/2017 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.