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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I overreact?

112 replies

PizzaPower · 15/05/2017 15:51

And if so what should I do.

An important bit of background; I was diagnosed with terminal cancer earlier this year and the Dr's think I have anyway between 6 & 12 months, though we know it's not an exact art.

I'm currently on palliative chemo, and as a result know my reaction to events are not always fully rational.

Anyhow a friend (real life & Facebook) posted an anti Tory meme over the weekend (fair enough) but had added personally in the post; "This is why all Tory voters need to fuck off and drop dead".

Very childish of me I know, but I wrote back; "As you know I plan too, unfortunately for you my Dr expects it to be after the election."
Then unfriended and blocked, I also blocked her on my phone.
However unknown to me a large number of mutual friends have had a go at her and said they want nothing more to do with her.

Though someone that is still speaking to her, apparently she is devastated at everyone's reaction. Spent most of yesterday in tears over people's response to her.
(Sorry for length); mutual friend thinks I need to forgive, with the hope that others will do the same and she won't loose all these friendships?
To be honest, I really can't be arsed, but AIBI? Do I let her reap what has been sown or should I get involved again?

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 15/05/2017 15:54

Well personally I want to shake your head for that epic comeback! I don't think I could have come up with better myself!

Let her come and apologise if the friendship means anything to her.

ZilphasHatpin · 15/05/2017 15:55

hand!! Not head! hand Blush

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 15/05/2017 15:56

Good grief. I'm pretty much notorious on my family for hating the Tory party, but I wouldn't dream of saying Tory voters should drop dead whether they had terminal cancer or not! Frankly she deserves to have had a big fallout from this, it was an awful thing for her to have posted. Having said that... life is short, as you must be so painfully aware. If she's genuinely remorseful and understands how cruel and stupid she's been then I'd probably want to help a friend move past their mistake. It depends how you feel about it? Flowers for you either way.

Dawnedlightly · 15/05/2017 15:58

Great response. I hope it gave you a real 'fuck you' boost- you deserve a bit of righteous anger.

If she's that bothered she could write to you or send you flowers.
you're not really voting Tory are you?!Wink
Flowers

robinia · 15/05/2017 15:58

Some people should think before they post such offensive stuff; she's one of them.
Agree with Zilpha - she's the one who should apologise.

NotISaidTheWalrus · 15/05/2017 15:58

I think its a bit of a harsh punishment for her from so many people, who really wouldn't have thought twice about the comment in and of itself, it's only your reaction to it that made it such a big deal.

Original poster
PizzaPower · 15/05/2017 15:59

Head / Hand, it's all good Zilp.

Thanks Coffee, that's why I posted, I'm aware at the moment my reaction and feeling aren't always the most rational.

OP posts:
CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 15/05/2017 16:02

To be fair I agree with the others that your response was pretty bad ass. But just to play Devil's advocate - how can she apologise if you've completely blocked her from contacting you? Take some space to decide if you'd be ready to accept an apology, and if you are then you can give her an opportunity to give one.

ThePants999 · 15/05/2017 16:03

Your response was absolutely reasonable, but I think she already HAS reaped what she sowed. If she seems genuinely contrite and appears to have seen the error of your ways, I think what the mutual friend is suggesting would be the most mature approach.

HildaOg · 15/05/2017 16:03

Great comeback. I think you should do what makes you happy. Your ex friend needs to learn not to be so extreme in her politics, wishing people who disagree with you dead is evil and deranged. She needs the reaction to wake her up.

ThePants999 · 15/05/2017 16:04

Erm, the error of HER ways, of course... sigh...

Writerwannabe83 · 15/05/2017 16:04

People say/write silly, off the cuff things all the time without thinking. They're just turn of phrases.

Last week my dad's brother died from cancer and I went to see him the day after it happened to offer my support. Whilst we were chatting casually about other stuff, in reference to a drama queen I work with who'd hurt her foot, I said to my dad, "She's a nightmare, it's not like she's going to drop down dead just because she stubbed her toe!"

As soon as I said it I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I felt awful.

But my dad knew I meant nothing by it, it's just 'one of those things' you say sometimes, something that thousands of people say every day without even thinking.

You were understandable upset by what you read, of course you were and I can understand why you reacted the way you initially did. However, you just need to ask yourself if what she said was malicious or just clumsy and whether it's worth losing her friendship over. I'm sure she's mortified by what she said and regrets it. If anything it might make her choose her words more carefully next time.

MapMyMum · 15/05/2017 16:06

Yeah I think it was a bit of a harsh response. By unfriending and blocking you made it so much harder for her to apologise for her mistake. So she didnt think and put her foot in her mouth, havent we all done that at some point? She doesnt actually mean Tory voters should die does she, and I think you know that, but your friends are reacting to your reaction and jumping to be on your side. Fair enough. But is it really worth having all this ill feeling floating about, at any point, but especially not when you know your time here is short

Fragglez · 15/05/2017 16:07

Did she know you vote Tory?

I'm not sure i would have blocked her - i would have wanted to see her reaction to that, frankly awesome, comment. In that i would have wanted to see how she dealt with the reality of Tory voters having a real face and being people she cares about. It would tell me if she was the person i thought she was who had just been a bit thoughtless and caught up in politics or if she was actually serious.

I think the problem is the aftermath - which isn't your fault at all. It's quite possible she has had responses that were even worse that what she said, and these would have been considered and aimed at her personally by people she thought were friends, rather than an ill considered throw away comment like hers (if that is what it was)

I think it's up to you if you want to talk to her again, and no one should be pushing you either way.

VladmirsPoutine · 15/05/2017 16:07

Sorry about your diagnosis but I think you over reacted.

MissBax · 15/05/2017 16:09

I think it was a stupid thing to write and YANBU to take it personally and feel hurt. However I very much doubt she meant to hurt you and I think loads of mutual friends saying they want nothing to do with her is certainly harsh. Maybe you could unblock and forgive?

CainDinglesLeatherJacket · 15/05/2017 16:11

Perhaps a slight overreaction (understandable, however), but perhaps your friend will now think about the impact of her words and realise that politics is really not an excuse for saying nasty things that can upset others.

I hate election time, personally. Everyone thinks that anyone who votes differently from them is an idiot or blight, and friendships get ruined.

You can apologise for publicly calling her out if you want, but technically what you said doesn't require an apology. What she said was provocative and hurtful and she shouldn't be allowed to think that she can say things like that without repercussions.

Underthemoonlight · 15/05/2017 16:11

I also agree you over reacted and I'm
Shocked that people turned there back on her.

BuckinghamLass · 15/05/2017 16:12

She said a stupid thing but she didn't deserve to spend a whole day in tears, devastated. Poor woman. I think you owe her an apology.

But Flowers. I can't imagine what you're going through. So I'm not surprised you took it personally.

blueskyinmarch · 15/05/2017 16:12

I understand why you reacted as you did but if she is generally a good friend and has just made a bit of a crass error i would hope you could forgive her. It sounds like she has realised what she has done and is very sorry about upsetting you and your friends.

LadyPW · 15/05/2017 16:14

She sounds like a complete twat regardless of your diagnosis. I'd take a step back from someone who'd use 'fuck off and drop dead' comments like that.
Wait for her to apologise - and she can use old-fashioned methods of communication (!) to do so which will involve her making more of an effort. Actions have consequences - sounds like she's beginning to learn that.

SheSaidHeSaid · 15/05/2017 16:15

Given you know her in real life, and presumably she knows of your diagnosis, I don't think you overreacted.

Frankly, I can't stand it when people post things like this anyway, it's unnecessary and is sure to offend someone so why post something so hateful unless you're looking for an argument or to piss at least one person off anyway?

This aside, I wish you all the best and I hope you don't dwell on this negative comment/drama for too long.

LadyPW · 15/05/2017 16:16

She said a stupid thing but she didn't deserve to spend a whole day in tears, devastated. Poor woman. I think you owe her an apology.
She's in tears because of HER actions. OP doesn't owe her an apology! Confused

CainDinglesLeatherJacket · 15/05/2017 16:16

Following on from my response : I suppose, if you know that you won't be around forever, then perhaps you might not want to leave that woman with the thought that this was her last interaction with you before you cut her out of your life.

While what she said was stupid and hurtful, she didn't mean to upset you as much as she did. This situation will be something she has to deal with long after you're gone.

Areyoufree · 15/05/2017 16:17

Well, she'll think twice about making such idiotic statements in the future! I can't say if you overreacted or not - I am not in your situation. I have no idea what the world looks like to you right now. I don't imagine that any reaction would be inappropriate, to be honest. You've got enough to deal with without having to be the 'bigger person' as well. I'm sure your friends will come round and start talking to her again at some point, and you can choose to be a part of that or not. But I wouldn't let it overly concern you.