Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed she's pregnant

286 replies

GaelicSiog · 14/05/2017 23:55

I know I am and I've seen this coming for a while, but I need to vent.

DD's dad has emailed me tonigbt to tell me that his partner is pregnant. This is not a surprise, they've been TTC for a while. They have DD every other weekend, next weekend is their weekend and they're having a family get together at which they will be telling the extended family and DD, so he wants me to keep it from her, but he wanted to let me know. He then goes on to say of course his maintenance payments will be dropping now, and btw they're off to bed so if I want to discuss with him I'll have to call tomorrow. This is a common tactic of his, drop bombshells late at night and say he's going to bed and turning his phone on silent.

They already have 6 DC between them. She has 3 from previous relationships, her youngest of those is only just older than DD, he moved in with them within weeks of DD arriving so he's very close to them, which has caused a lot of issues with them and DD over the years and deserves a whole thread of its own. They then have twins together. They're already struggling to fit them all into the house, we've had a huge drama lately because DSD1 has a large room to herself and won't share with anyone but her friends on sleepovers. They've recently put bunks in DSD2's tiny box for when DD stays because they won't make DSD1 swap or share. They have no space for a seventh, and DD already feels she has to compete for her dad's attention when she's there. That's only going to get worse now.

I know I'm BU, but I need to rant.

OP posts:
Halle71 · 16/05/2017 21:54

I've skipped to the end so apologies if it has been covered a lot, see pp has mentioned it, but I would definitely want to be the one who tells her if their is any chance of her being upset.
She should find out from someone who has her best interests at heart.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 16/05/2017 22:16

People like this ttc and having more children. Why exactly Confused

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 16/05/2017 22:21

I feel sorry for your DD. I hope she takes it OK. At least she has you to come home to where she gets the attention she deserves.

Mampo22 · 16/05/2017 23:01

GaelicSiog, I was left to bring up FOUR children on my own by a selfish, irresponsible git like your ex. I stayed awake all night the night he left and remained still in contemplation. A small voice told me exactly how to move forward with the children. My creative juices were on auto-pilot from that day and I have never looked back. Say little about your ex, especially when DD is around, look after yourself and DD spiritually and physically. Excel in everything you do. I joined Bikram Yoga and it helped me in being peaceful and positive. What is, is. And believe it or not, in most cases it is 'protection'. All is well my dear. Just excel. DD will tell you when she grows up how grateful she is to you and how your response to her dad's behaviour helped her cope. This is my experience and thought I would share it with you. Best wishes in all that you and DD do x

Mampo22 · 16/05/2017 23:04

GaelicSiog, I was left to bring up FOUR children on my own by a selfish, irresponsible git like your ex. I stayed awake all night the night he left and remained still in contemplation. A small voice told me exactly how to move forward with the children. My creative juices were on auto-pilot from that day and I have never looked back. Say little about your ex, especially when DD is around, look after yourself and DD spiritually and physically. Excel in everything you do. I joined Bikram Yoga and it helped me in being peaceful and positive. What is, is. And believe it or not, in most cases it is 'protection'. All is well my dear. Just excel. DD will tell you when she grows up how grateful she is to you and how your response to her dad's behaviour helped her cope. This is my experience and thought I would share it with you. Best wishes in all that you and DD do x

GabsAlot · 16/05/2017 23:31

in a way its good its all she knows

sh'll se one day what a waste of space he is

mathanxiety · 17/05/2017 06:23

Great uplifting post there, Mampo22.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/05/2017 07:27

Have read whole thread

I think you need an emotional diet from these feckless feckers !

It's hard as when you start a thread can you discuss but t feels like a huge amount Of your emotional energy is wasted on them here - and their very chaotic life . It's good he only has her 1 day .

Now if you can try and focus on happier issues .
Re building your self esteem
Building a career so you don't need his paltry maintenance
Building meaningful friendships and relationships
Looking after your souls

Fuck em - try to minimize the amount of time they have in your head - that's
My advice Flowers

It's painful with regards to your DD I cana we that but with you she will be fine

LittleOwl153 · 17/05/2017 07:31

If you are using cms, then your maintenance will go up. He can only claim a shared parent reduction for more than 52 nights a year which 1 night ewo would not amount to, unless he did 4 whole weeks 'holiday' cover in addition.
The extra child makes no difference as cms works on the number of kids he or his partner claim child benefit for so all 5/6 that live with them are counted, and reductions only occur for first 3 (so there should have been no reduction for twins either!)

It does rather feel that your DD is being edged out to make way for the edition though doesn't it. Firstly she can have less money, then oh her money can stay the same if she has less time...

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2017 07:33

Take it as it comes. Confused

Well the long term effect is likely to be dd will no longer come over to his house. Stupid cretin.

Piwi1625 · 17/05/2017 08:59

Wow just wow! 😰 what a piece of work he sounds like! He's taking the ultimate piss and it sounds like he's comfortable in doing so.

mygorgeousmilo · 17/05/2017 09:12

Disgusting pig

MissShittyBennet · 17/05/2017 09:26

He's obviously taking the piss, but I guess one overall effect of this is that he's now almost certain not to cause any trouble wrt reducing Friday nights so DD can do her activity.

Stormtreader · 17/05/2017 09:44

I've asked him this evening what the long term sleeping arrangements plan is. They're going to take it as it comes, apparently

Now I'm picturing a scene where the less favoured kids get to sleep in the garage like Cinderella.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 17/05/2017 10:57

I think they must be planning either to evict DSD1 to the box room ultimately or to extend out the back or something. It's the only explanation I can see as to why they think they can manage another one.

Mampo Flowers you are incredible.

He doesn't always take up this much of my energy, only when he pulls things like this. But I agree, it probably isn't healthy. It's hard when DD has to live with it though. In the end I'm hoping she'll see the light and want to cut contact, but that has to come from her. He does enjoy trying to control me, and probably does know I'm still a bit scared of him. Sigh. I do feel kind of sorry for OW having to live with him. But then I don't.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/05/2017 10:59

Gaelic, she'll learn when he ditches her and knocks up a few more women.

Butterymuffin · 17/05/2017 11:07

Nah, they deserve each other and they deserve the hell DSD1 will raise about giving us her room. I actually think they're putting their heads in the sand and just hoping the problem will go away. The best outcome for your DD, and this looks distinctly possible, is that she gets used to the idea of less contact with him as being better all round.

grannytomine · 17/05/2017 11:10

Gaelicsong, I understand your feelings to your ex and his new wife but I think you are harsh about DSD1. This is a child who has no contact with her own father and is now on stepfather number 2. You worry about your child in this crowded household one night a fortnight but SDS1 lives it 14 nights a fortnight with ever more younger children to put up with when she is at an age where schoolwork, exams, and puberty all cause stress. It is up to her mother and stepfather to sort out the bedroom issue with her, it isn't really your issue.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 17/05/2017 11:24

Granny

Up until a few weeks ago, the bedroom arrangement was the three boys in the loft conversion, DSD1 in a double room to herself with a trundle for DD and the odd sleepover, DSD2 in the box. For months now, DD has ended up on the sofa because DSD1 went behind their backs on contact weekends and invited a friend for a sleepover. She was told that this wasn't acceptable on contact weekends because it left DD without a bed, but she continued to do it. She's always refused to let DD leave anything of hers in her room, so DD has no area in her dad's house that is "hers." The whole point of contact is she's meant to live with her dad's family that weekend, not stay with them as a guest. Long story short, even OW acknowledged this had gotten ridiculous and told DSD1 she could either share with DD EOW or swap rooms with DSD2, or share permanently with DSD2. She refused to do any of these, so they got bunk beds for DSD2's room instead. At the moment this is working, but there is now room for nothing else in DSD2's room more or less, they have some of her stuff on the landing and some downstairs. I can see this leading to resentment once the novelty has worn off. There is also the issue of where the new baby will go, given how things have gone so far, I suspect whatever solution they come up with will be at DD's expense. My much older sisters shared a room with me full time until they left home and it didn't do me any harm, she also has the option of a smaller room to herself, but she doesn't want to take it. So I know on the face of it it's none of my business, but it keeps impacting on DD.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 17/05/2017 11:28

DSD1 is only doing this because her mother and stepfather are allowing it. She is a child with a far from perfect background. You have every right to worry about the impact on your child but calling someone else's child names isn't very nice.

grannytomine · 17/05/2017 11:28

What I mean is that your issues are with your ex not this child.

Lillithxxx · 17/05/2017 12:10

I'd tell your dd yourself before this big get together. She sounds pushed out enough as it is. To be told this in such an unsupported environment may devastate her. She needs you to be there when she is told. Text him tonight when you've told her, say goodnight to him, then put your phone on silent.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 17/05/2017 14:01

I'll be telling her tonight. I don't think she'll be too bothered about the baby honestly, but I do want to have an honest chat with her about the whole having time with daddy thing. She was too young when the twins were born to remember much about the time they took away from her I think.

Granny while I agree with that, she's old enough to understand that inviting a friend over to kick her stepsister out the room when there is nowhere else for her to sleep (as happened last time, the sofa was occupied) is nasty. She's also old enough to understand that the situation isn't ideal, but she is being offered a room to herself still, just a smaller one. I completely agree that the parents are to blame here, but she is also old enough to know better than this. Take it out on the parents, sure, but don't take it out on a 7 year old.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 17/05/2017 14:08

7 or 13 they are both kids and deserve a bit of consideration. I can't understand why the parents wouldn't just smile and tell the sleepover friend that there has been a mix up, no need for a big drama. The 13 year old would soon learn that it wasn't a good idea.

I think one of the problems when comparing children of different ages is that if our child is younger we see the older child as "old enough" this girl is always going to be older than yours. I wouldn't be surprised if she was doing things when she was 7 that you thought she shouldn't do as "she was old enough" to know better. Your child is now 7 but still the younger one.

I actually feel really sorry for the 13 year old, she sounds like a very sad child. I honestly think you would be better forgetting about her and concentrating on your child and on her father's behaviour.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2017 14:13

It seems as though dsd1 has some pretty difficult issues to contend with. It can't be easy and 13 is a tough age so I can understand her not wanting to share with a 7 yr old at her age. The parents / step parents don't know their arse from their elbow and theyre really making a pigs ear of these children's lives. They clearly don't talk to the children and life sounds incredibly chaotic. It's sad really.

Swipe left for the next trending thread