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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be pissed she's pregnant

286 replies

GaelicSiog · 14/05/2017 23:55

I know I am and I've seen this coming for a while, but I need to vent.

DD's dad has emailed me tonigbt to tell me that his partner is pregnant. This is not a surprise, they've been TTC for a while. They have DD every other weekend, next weekend is their weekend and they're having a family get together at which they will be telling the extended family and DD, so he wants me to keep it from her, but he wanted to let me know. He then goes on to say of course his maintenance payments will be dropping now, and btw they're off to bed so if I want to discuss with him I'll have to call tomorrow. This is a common tactic of his, drop bombshells late at night and say he's going to bed and turning his phone on silent.

They already have 6 DC between them. She has 3 from previous relationships, her youngest of those is only just older than DD, he moved in with them within weeks of DD arriving so he's very close to them, which has caused a lot of issues with them and DD over the years and deserves a whole thread of its own. They then have twins together. They're already struggling to fit them all into the house, we've had a huge drama lately because DSD1 has a large room to herself and won't share with anyone but her friends on sleepovers. They've recently put bunks in DSD2's tiny box for when DD stays because they won't make DSD1 swap or share. They have no space for a seventh, and DD already feels she has to compete for her dad's attention when she's there. That's only going to get worse now.

I know I'm BU, but I need to rant.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2017 14:19

I totally agree with the "old enough" comment myself granny. This puts me in mind of my sil, who has treated my dd like this since she was 6 because she's almost 3 years older then her ds and therefore should know better. Funnily enough her ds is now 6 and the irony hasn't escaped me. Her child is still 'the kind boy, who cares about everyone else's feelings and too little to understand'. My dd was expected to understand adult concepts at this age.

terrylene · 17/05/2017 14:25

I think DSD1 is acting defensively in a 13 year old way. She has had step fathers and more children inflicted upon her, and it is her way of looking after herself. It may not be the right way, or the best way, or in the least bit sensible way, but it is a 13 year old way, and she has not had the best teachers.

grannytomine · 17/05/2017 14:43

Glad you understood Mummyoflittledragon, I wasn't sure if I had explained it very well but I do think it is a mistake that is easy to make.

Yes terrylene to the 13 year old way, in many ways their behaviour can be worse than a 7 year olds, probably because of the raging hormones and I think that goes for girls and boys.

GabsAlot · 17/05/2017 14:50

sounds like a madhouse-her dm and your excan stil say no to dsd1 eveyre now and again though-she might be hitting out and being defiant but theyre the parents not her

she wont have it is just another excusee not to parent a child

Bibidy · 17/05/2017 16:36

Hi OP,

Sorry, I'm coming a bit late to this.

While I really sympathise with your feelings and totally understand your concern for your DD, I really don't think it's your place to share the news with her before her dad has the chance.

While you're doing it out of concern for her, it's not right A) because it's not your news to tell, and B) because it has the potential to upset DD as her dad hasn't told her himself.

While your ex's behaviour has been questionable and hurtful, he has told you in advance when he didn't need to, probably both to give you a heads up before you heard it from DD, and also so you can be supportive to DD once he's told her, not so that you can tell her first.

I really don't think you should tell her. If she gets upset she may refuse to go round to her dad's for the family party and then it's only going to start World War Three that you've told her.

100% be there to support and comfort her when she comes home, but it really isn't your place to share this news with her.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 17/05/2017 16:42

I told her after I got her from school and she already knew! Apparently last contact weekend she asked DSD2 if she minded the new sharing set up, and DSD2 said no, because it means she won't have to share with the new baby Grin she then remembered DD didn't know and made her promise not to tell anyone.

I think that actually makes me angrier because they'd clearly told the resident kids at that point. Why not tell DD that weekend rather than wait until the party?

OP posts:
Oswin · 17/05/2017 16:53

They are a pair of absolute bastards.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 17/05/2017 16:53

Re DSD1, I grew up the youngest of multiple siblings and there is possibly an element of my idea of how an older sister should behave coming from how my siblings were. I do feel very sorry for the lot of them stuck in this mess, at least DD isn't there full time. But she is going to be a nightmare in a few years if they don't start doing something.

OP posts:
Original poster
GaelicSiog · 17/05/2017 16:54

I'm not sure if DSD2 has inferred she's not sharing with the new baby or if they've told her that, reading that back. I did wonder at the time how they persuaded the box room child to agree to share with a sister with a double to herself. But I doubt they will be putting a baby in with a teen.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 17/05/2017 17:45

That's even more shocking.Your DD was there, staying on one of her weekend visits, they'd already told their 'resident' children, and they STILL didn't tell DD about the baby. They've had loads of time ... and they now wanted to spring it on her along with the rest of the 'extended' family at a party.

Talk about a second class child!

You DH and is wife are absolute jerks.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 17/05/2017 17:57

I'm trying to see this from the other side. Would you want to tell your step kids you were pregnant before your extended family? I wonder if that might be an element of it. But then I think she's ex's child so she has as much right as the other kids.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 17/05/2017 18:15

Gaelic, stop contorting yourself to try and excuse them! Grin

Your DD is his child. His full, blood, biological, child. Exactly like this new baby would be. Of course she should know at the same time as all the rest of their DC. Just because he's a totally shit father doesn't make her any less his child and he should be ashamed of himself.

Lillithxxx · 17/05/2017 18:28

What a pair of irresponsible idiots they are. Keep it dignified with them and make sure you claim the maximum financial support from him. Your dd is your priority. They've made their bed, let them lie in it.

KrsJd · 17/05/2017 18:46

@GaelicSiog that's my thinking, it's not telling a stepchild, it's your ex telling his DD before he tells his ILs, which is how it should be!

MissShittyBennet · 17/05/2017 18:56

While I can see how SM would prefer to tell her bio children first, your DH has no such excuse. Your DD isn't any more or less his child than the others. She isn't his extended family, however you want to crumble the cookie.

ginflumpsandzebraprint · 17/05/2017 18:56

I've watched all your threads and reached my conclusion: you are a fab parent and your dd is lucky to have you.
Your ex and ow are selfish self serving twats and deserve each other.
The dcs that live with them are deserving sympathy and pity.
Hth

grannytomine · 17/05/2017 19:17

Re DSD1, I grew up the youngest of multiple siblings and there is possibly an element of my idea of how an older sister should behave coming from how my siblings were It is lovely that your older sisters were nice to you but DSD1 is in a different position, your sisters were with both their parents, not having a series of step fathers and you didn't have the complications of step siblings, half siblings etc. I hope they can work things out for your daughter and all the other kids. Does your daughter get on with the other kids?

I didn't have quite such a chaotic time but at your DSD1 age my father had died and then I had a step father, nothing wrong with him but he wasn't my father. Maybe that is why I can see how hard it is for her. You are looking from your history and I'm looking from mine so we see something different.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2017 19:51

Following on from grannytomine. I had pretty shit parenting. Both parents together and married. My elder brother was a total bully to me most of the time. Parenting has so much bearing on how children communicate with one another.

thenovice · 17/05/2017 19:52

I agree with ginflumps. YANBU.
AND your DD will have a lovely life because she has you. Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2017 19:56

And granny I understood perfectly what you meant upthread.

GiraffeorOcelot · 17/05/2017 20:15

Just read this. We told DSDs I was pregnant before we told anybody else. It helped they were staying with us that weekend so that made it easier but we would have made sure we'd told them asap. It's only fair.

grannytomine · 17/05/2017 20:19

Mummyoflittledragon, I didn't mean all nuclear families would be like the Waltons, I guess the parents Gaelic is talking about would have messed up anyway by the sounds of them. I just meant it adds an extra layer of problems to this 13 year old when she has an absent father, her first stepfather who must have seemed like a father to her as she was obviously very young when he arrived on the scene and then yet another man arriving not to mention all the kids.

Has you brother changed as an adult? Sometimes things are easier when you are adults and I get on much better with my sister now that we are adults, I hated sharing a bedroom with her and at 13 I would have given anything to have a bedroom of my own mainly because she snored.

What adults do to kids is terrible and the wonder is that kids turn out as well as they do.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/05/2017 06:41

granny. If only all families, whether single, blended or nuclear could be like the waltons but a little less wholesome, perhaps? Unfortunately not a great deal, thanks for asking. I think it also depends on who you marry and he has chosen a very overbearing, damaged and difficult wife. 8 yr old dd has become increasingly scared of both of them, especially her so dh and I recently decided that contact would have to be kept to family occasions such as weddings and funerals.

I am glad you get on better with your sister. Smile. What adults do to children can be pretty terrible.

JanKind · 18/05/2017 07:51

Why he thinks his monetary obligation to his daughter should diminish in any way is beyond me. What a n arsehole he is.

emmyrose2000 · 18/05/2017 08:47

Siblings, whether full or half, to the new baby should be told way before anyone else. All the future siblings should've been told together before anyone else. If that meant waiting a day or two until DD was there on access, then so be it.

Anyone who considers their own child (and a minor one at that) to be "extended family" is just utter scum and doesn't deserve said "extended" child.

Had I been DD in this position I'd made a great to-do of telling all the rest of the "extended family" the news as they came through the door, thus totally undercutting the so-called parents' big moment.