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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed she's pregnant

286 replies

GaelicSiog · 14/05/2017 23:55

I know I am and I've seen this coming for a while, but I need to vent.

DD's dad has emailed me tonigbt to tell me that his partner is pregnant. This is not a surprise, they've been TTC for a while. They have DD every other weekend, next weekend is their weekend and they're having a family get together at which they will be telling the extended family and DD, so he wants me to keep it from her, but he wanted to let me know. He then goes on to say of course his maintenance payments will be dropping now, and btw they're off to bed so if I want to discuss with him I'll have to call tomorrow. This is a common tactic of his, drop bombshells late at night and say he's going to bed and turning his phone on silent.

They already have 6 DC between them. She has 3 from previous relationships, her youngest of those is only just older than DD, he moved in with them within weeks of DD arriving so he's very close to them, which has caused a lot of issues with them and DD over the years and deserves a whole thread of its own. They then have twins together. They're already struggling to fit them all into the house, we've had a huge drama lately because DSD1 has a large room to herself and won't share with anyone but her friends on sleepovers. They've recently put bunks in DSD2's tiny box for when DD stays because they won't make DSD1 swap or share. They have no space for a seventh, and DD already feels she has to compete for her dad's attention when she's there. That's only going to get worse now.

I know I'm BU, but I need to rant.

OP posts:
Cubtrouble · 16/05/2017 19:02

Your ex needs to tie a knot in his cock.

I'm not saying big families aren't good- they are- but not at the expense of a little girl and her mum.

Lovingit81 · 16/05/2017 19:02

God he sounds horrendous what an arsehole. I'm surprised you ever let her see him (no doubt I'll get a roasting for that). Poor you and poor dd. Just keep supporting her with love and affection and she will figure it out when she's older. Flowers

clarkl2 · 16/05/2017 19:13

Why should he drop your maintenance payments though?
You child shouldn't get less because of their breeding programme 🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 16/05/2017 19:13

The trouble is he knows I can't criticise them for multiple kids because between them they'll still be 3 off my parents' count. The difference is we were all treated fairly. Yes, oldest 3 all get support from their dads- ex has mine and the younger two. And the new baby.

I agree that the DSD1 situation is madness. She is NC with her dad, I only found this out recently, he pays but she won't see him. She does see the man OW left for my ex, who is father to DSD2 and DSS1, but they have sporadic contact. I think a lot of compensating goes on there.

DD's hair is down to her bum. He wouldn't know where to start.

Lakie Grin

I think DSD1 will suggest the new baby goes in the garage before she gives up her room.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 16/05/2017 19:14

no loving i agree and i rarely say that-the fact op ha a restraining order against him doesnt put him in the best light to have any responsibilty for children does it

chatty1 · 16/05/2017 19:20

I would reply: Congratulations on your news, maybe no need to mention money in the announcement of the start of a new precious life. But thanks for letting me know. Im sure it will be sorted when the time comes.

Flowersandbirds · 16/05/2017 19:23

I know it's frustrating and hard but if you want to do the very best thing for your DD then maintain cordial relations with her dad. It's not separation that really screws up kids, it's warring parents.

Mummmy2017 · 16/05/2017 19:26

I this the oldest child knows she gets cash from her dad, and it is beiong spent on her, hence the room. OW might be worried it would stop if this didn't happen.

I think your DD may tell the others about her life with you, as kids
do, and the OW is bitchy about it as regardless of her wanting kids it must annoy her no end that you can have a better life and do more, I know this becasue the OW in my case was convinced I was made of cash, just becasue my 2DD's always had brand new clothing on when ever they saw their Dad.

I always made sure they had money in a purse, just in case.
Clothing always sent stuff to wear, as girls know what they like, and it means no one can borrow her stuff, I mean where would they even store her clothing... Send a dress she likes, and let him deal with the rest...

Kids know things, and they always tell each other, if the steps know, bet you DD knows as well. and at 7 a new baby isn't that bad or exciting as it's not the first, there are enough in the family for her to have playmates...

I would be mean and plan special days out when she isn't at her dads in the new set up, enjoy the extra days of childhood.

Ktown · 16/05/2017 19:32

I would love to know household income for 6 kids. He must be loaded.
At least you are better off without him.

falange · 16/05/2017 20:16

I think you mean pissed off. Not pissed. That's drunk.

cheval · 16/05/2017 20:23

What a horrible situation for your daughter. Keep biting your tongue when referring to him, though. One day she will work it out for herself how selfish he has been. Then she can have it out with him,

mikeyssister · 16/05/2017 20:42

You're wrong @Falange. To be pissed means to be extremely irritated.
Like I am right nowWink

mikeyssister · 16/05/2017 20:43

And it also means drunkGrin

AndNowItIsSeven · 16/05/2017 20:50

Mickey nope in the uk it's pissed off

mikeyssister · 16/05/2017 20:54

But OP isn't in UK.

SestraClone · 16/05/2017 20:58

I'm in the UK and I would say pissed like the OP Hmm

MissShittyBennet · 16/05/2017 21:00

Of course you can criticise them.

You're not responsible for your parents choices, so the appropriate figure would be the number of children you've had yourself, and in any case this isn't simply about how many kids they have. It's the way they're behaving. If they were willing and able to parent appropriately, and to include your DD properly, that would be fine. As they're not, it's perfectly legitimate to point out that adding another child to the mix is goimg to make things worse not better.

falange · 16/05/2017 21:02

Saying you're pissed about something is American. Anyhoo. I'm not surprised the OP is pissed off. He sounds like a right knacker.

mikeyssister · 16/05/2017 21:05

It may also be American @falange. But OP is Irish and it's an Irish expression, being used in the correct context.

lalalalyra · 16/05/2017 21:11

The trouble is he knows I can't criticise them for multiple kids because between them they'll still be 3 off my parents' count.

That's no reason not to critisise. You can critisise them because they aren't treating the children they have properly. You'd be fully justified in critisising them even if they only had 2 kids. The spoiling of DSD1 is ridiculous and that's before another new baby and the activities saga.

AyeAmarok · 16/05/2017 21:14

God I'd find it so hard not to reply making digs about stretched finances now when they're having another baby.

You're a better woman than me.

CantGetDecentNickname · 16/05/2017 21:24

So sorry for you and your DD. Can't get past the feeling that he is just using you to do his dirty work for him - he knows you will tell her in a nice way- can't be bothered to do this himself, which is why he told you in the first place. He knows you will be decent to her, pity he can't be. She is lucky to have you. Flowers

workingmumsarebad · 16/05/2017 21:28

What a dick!

I hate the argument that he has other children and the monies have to go down. The reality is your DD has costs and now he will pay less you subsidise his feckless behaviour.

Effectively the EX pays for the second family to have enough monies - that is what happened to me when EX had DC with his DP. monies dropped to me - amazing their standard of living didn't i just had to add another day of work to cover the shortfall.

DonutCone · 16/05/2017 21:34

One of my massive pet hates is when a 'Father' gets to reduce maintenance to his actual children because he is living with the children of another man Angry

Non biological children should in no way shape or form count towards a reduction in maintainance for the children someone has the legal duty to provide for.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 16/05/2017 21:45

Mikey, I feel like we know each other after all these threads Grin

I'll tell her tomorrow evening. Gives her some time to process it. I'll leave it up to her to decide whether she wants to tell him she knows.

We split before she was born, so this is "normal" to her. This setup with her dad is all she's ever known, which I don't think is great in itself. It's somewhere she goes, it isn't a "home." DSD1 has been a spoiled madam since I've known her. There may well be an element of keeping her dad onside with the rooms, although she is NC with him I now know, so it's not like she'll be reporting back.

I've asked him this evening what the long term sleeping arrangements plan is. They're going to take it as it comes, apparently Hmm

OP posts: