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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed she's pregnant

286 replies

GaelicSiog · 14/05/2017 23:55

I know I am and I've seen this coming for a while, but I need to vent.

DD's dad has emailed me tonigbt to tell me that his partner is pregnant. This is not a surprise, they've been TTC for a while. They have DD every other weekend, next weekend is their weekend and they're having a family get together at which they will be telling the extended family and DD, so he wants me to keep it from her, but he wanted to let me know. He then goes on to say of course his maintenance payments will be dropping now, and btw they're off to bed so if I want to discuss with him I'll have to call tomorrow. This is a common tactic of his, drop bombshells late at night and say he's going to bed and turning his phone on silent.

They already have 6 DC between them. She has 3 from previous relationships, her youngest of those is only just older than DD, he moved in with them within weeks of DD arriving so he's very close to them, which has caused a lot of issues with them and DD over the years and deserves a whole thread of its own. They then have twins together. They're already struggling to fit them all into the house, we've had a huge drama lately because DSD1 has a large room to herself and won't share with anyone but her friends on sleepovers. They've recently put bunks in DSD2's tiny box for when DD stays because they won't make DSD1 swap or share. They have no space for a seventh, and DD already feels she has to compete for her dad's attention when she's there. That's only going to get worse now.

I know I'm BU, but I need to rant.

OP posts:
rightwhine · 16/05/2017 12:09

She will be far more aware than is obvious. Just try to be matter of fact about everything and try not to diss him too much in front of her.

mikeyssister · 16/05/2017 15:25

Tell him Penney's have some lovely dresses and they're not expensive.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 16/05/2017 15:52

Oh that would be lovely Mikey, but he's always been a disappointment Grin Sad

They don't buy her clothes, I send her there with clothes for the weekend. I assumed this was normal but looking at mumsnet perhaps it isn't.

OP posts:
Hissy · 16/05/2017 15:58

You've told him the info he needs, the rest really is up to him.

It's on them if she doesn't have a dress for the party.

mikeyssister · 16/05/2017 16:04

Hissy I couldn't do that.

Gaelic, sorry, you have to ask DD what she wants to wear to the party.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 16/05/2017 16:11

Oh, she has dresses I can send her in. He didn't bother asking if she already had anything, he went straight in with the ordering me to buy her one, which is typical. If it comes to it I will send her with a dress Mikey, I couldn't not do it either. If she was too young to be bothered I might, but she isn't. But I won't be telling him that.

OP posts:
mikeyssister · 16/05/2017 16:23

My DD2 has smart trackpants for important parties, would that do for your DD?Grin

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 16/05/2017 16:37

DD would throw a riot at that mikey, let alone ex and OW! 7 going on 17... Hmm

I hope OW is up for doing her hair though, since they'll be going straight from getting her from gym Grin

OP posts:
Sayhellotothelittlefella · 16/05/2017 17:11

I could just cry for your DD Gaelic. Can he not see that he is treating her like she is extended family and not as his own. I'm furious for you. I would say don't just accept what he says on maintenance, it's organised through official channels so let them make the new 1 night/ extra child calculations and then if there's a scene you can deny any responsibility.
Considering the hoohah there was with high sleeper and bunk beds and dsd1's need for vast amounts of stuff in her own room have you asked him where DD will sleep when the baby arrives? I think that issue was so recent it would be reasonable to ask.
As someone with a large family I know too well the logistics can be tricky but to allow the dsd1 situation defies any logic. If they want lots of children they have to make changes. End of! AngryFlowers

Jessikita · 16/05/2017 17:30

I can sympathise. My husband's son will not longer live with his Mother due to her feelings of keep reproducing and then he gets pushed out all the time.

bbismad · 16/05/2017 17:38

YABU to be annoyed by her pregnancy... it's their life, but hey, so would I be.

He's obviously a very selfish and self centered man who thinks very little of his child. My ex husband is the same...he's never paid a penny towards her upbringing. I would see legally what you can do about this, if he can't afford kids he shouldn't keep having them. Dick.

temporarilyjerry · 16/05/2017 17:44

hope OW is up for doing her hair though.

Surely that's X's job; he's the parent.

temporarilyjerry · 16/05/2017 17:47

Bold fail, emoji omission. Wink

NorthernLurker · 16/05/2017 17:56

I'm guessing a man who is so bad at parenting is also really bad at doing hair.

MuvaWifey77 · 16/05/2017 18:00

If he's caring for that many kids jeez I would be pissed off too. Fuck it. You're only human . But the truth doesn't change the facts , payments will drop and you just gotta live with it. Are there any chances he could be crazy in the head !? Weirdest thing I've ever seen, 7 kids altogether ... 🙄

Mrseft · 16/05/2017 18:03

YANBU. He's being a dick. If he can't continue to provide for the kids he has got by having more then he shouldn't be having more. Sounds like a right twat. For the record, you don't sound pissed off she's pregnant more about the lack of thought about the impact it'll have on your child which is more than reasonable.

LakieLady · 16/05/2017 18:04

Jeez, your ex is just unbelievable. Was he bunking off school the day they did contraception in PSE or whatever they call it now?

He clearly needs a vasectomy. Send him round to mine and I'll do it. I'll sharpen the kitchen scissors specially, but sadly no anaesthetic to hand.

Your poor DD. At least she has a great mum, even if her dad is a feckless twat.

ProphetOfDoom · 16/05/2017 18:05

I'm not a fan of sloganwear but maybe I nice dress saying 'Mummy's no 1 fan' Wink

You're a great mum and put dd's needs first. At least she had one parent with that mindset to see her through.

user1474815709 · 16/05/2017 18:08

For DDs sake I would ask for him to see her individually away from their home for a few hours rather than dump her in with the rest of the crew ... can this be achieved I have no idea.

jocarter67 · 16/05/2017 18:20

I would really consider your daughter she is bound to be a bit confused over things so it would be kinder for it to come from you so you can reassure her xx

GabsAlot · 16/05/2017 18:21

he want u to buy hr a dress that he will prob take credit for

hes an absolute arsehole-and doesnt have any clothees for her there?

then again my dsis ex does this says he cant afford clothes-i mean yeah right

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 16/05/2017 18:24

Maybe DSD1 will decide that having the boxroom to herself while DD, DSD2 & the baby share is the least worst option.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 16/05/2017 18:46

Maybe DSD1 wont share because it means more room for them to have more kids. Maybe she's getting sick of too.

caringcarer · 16/05/2017 18:51

Am I missing something? Surely he should only be paying for his DD with you and his DC with his partner not including her children with another partner. Surely their own biological father should pay for them. Take legal advice. I hope you have extended family who give emotional support to you and your DD. I had similar experience with my Ex except he did not have any more DC just refused to pay maintenance. I reported to CSA and eventually after about 16 months they gave order for his employer to pay me directly. I made it known to his entire family that he was refusing to pay maintenance for his youngest child. His Mother did not believe me but I had satisfaction in showing her CSA order when I finally got it.

LoobysMummy14 · 16/05/2017 18:55

If your ex sees her less you will get more money from him from csa or whatever my friend is going through that with her ex. If he doesn't see the child he has to pay more. He sounds like a complete wanker! Tell your little girl about the baby, she won't be happy about being told along with the 'extended family'.
Hope you manage to get everything sorted. You are doing amazing!