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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me or dh?

107 replies

Whirltime · 14/05/2017 08:45

Dh works in next town. Its a 5 minute walk to train station, a 7 minute train ride to next town and then a 3 minute walk to his work. The trains are pretty good and apart from the odd strike they run like clockwork.
This week he starts work at 8 am. Theres a train at 6.40 , 6.50, 7.40 and 7.50.
He has just got really annoyed at me as i can't understand why he wants to get the 6.40 when he can easily get the 7.40 and get to work with a few minutes to spare. He does this every day where he leaves an hour to an hour and a half early saying he doesnt want to rush. I just want a bit of time in the morning to shower and dress before he leaves. I can't after he leaves as i have 3 dcs 12 year old with sn a 3 year old with sn and a 2 year old there sn means they need constant supervision.
Its not like i ask him to stay and do house work i do all that i just want a little time in the mornings to be human. Once he leaves the house i have zero time for anything. Am i asking to much?

OP posts:
NissaNissa · 14/05/2017 08:49

No, he's being unreasonable.

Chocolatecake12 · 14/05/2017 08:49

No I do not think you are asking too much. I'm presuming that he's worried that if the later train is cancelled he'll be late but like you say that's unlikely.
Has he explained why other than not wanting to rush?
Could you compromise and ask that he gets the later train every other day? Or gets the later train for a week on a trial basis?

NoSandPlease · 14/05/2017 08:52

Can you shower the night before and have clothes out ready? Or get up earlier?

I understand him wanting to leave plenty of time. Trains are often late or cancelled. Maybe he wants time to get in the zone when he arrives at work, get ready for meetings etc. I hate arriving at the last minute. It makes me feel flustered and stressed. I only work 1 day a week but get there half an hour early!

Lovethebubbles · 14/05/2017 08:53

This would annoy me too. Sounds like he just wants a stress-free morning where he can just see to himself and leave you to get yourself and 3 kids sorted.

harderandharder2breathe · 14/05/2017 08:53

Considering the DC yanbu, him getting to work early and being able to leisurely stroll is a nice to have thing that comes way down the list of priorities when you have 3 children with SN, including 2 preschoolers.

I get that he doesn't want to feel rushed. But he needs to consider the whole family.

Could you compromise and agree set days where he gets the 7.40 and then one or two where he gets the 6.40?

monkeysox · 14/05/2017 08:53

He's being selfish

ijustwannadance · 14/05/2017 08:53

In your circumstances, no. He is being selfish. His desire for a seat on a quieter train and a relaxing coffee before work should not come before his family's need for help.

Original poster
Whirltime · 14/05/2017 08:54

No explanation he just says he doesn't want to rush. He struggles with dcs though and i wonder if he does it to get out. Its not easy house to be in and he does tend to prefer work over being at work.
Hes currently upset that dc2 and dc3 wont let him bath dress them ect as hes rarely here and dc2 has to have routine and hates changes so struggles with his dads shift patterens.

OP posts:
runloganrun101 · 14/05/2017 08:54

YABU as he needs to start at 8 and presumably that's part of his contract. I have to as well and have no choice but to take a train that only leaves me with 20 minutes spare and barely any time if the train I take is delayed, as it's the first train.

Why can't you shower after he leaves? Why can't you shower at night when he's back?

AlternativeTentacle · 14/05/2017 08:55

He does this because it means he may have to have up to an hour of 'helping' you rather than taking responsibility for the children in the morning. His extra hour is much more important than yours.

SenoritaViva · 14/05/2017 08:55

I agree about showering the night before but nevertheless he is BU.

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 08:55

Yeah he's being U. We've meticulously planned DH's morning routine to enable me to have a shower before he goes (like you, no chance of having one if he's not around). Leaving a bit of extra time is fine, but a whole hour? He might want to 'get into the zone' as a PP suggested but why should that be at the expense of you getting to shower and dress?

bakingaddict · 14/05/2017 08:55

He's doing it because he's lazy and happy to just sort himself out and doesn't want to partake in any of the routine with the kids.

holidaysaregreat · 14/05/2017 08:56

Sounds like he wants a quiet morning without the drama of getting the kids ready :(

Original poster
Whirltime · 14/05/2017 08:56

I could shower at night but it would be very late and i worry i would wake the dcs up. The eldest is currently refusing to take his sleep meds so getting him to go to bed before 10 is hardwork.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 14/05/2017 08:57

I leave early rather than right at the last minute because it gives me half an hour before my day officially 'starts' to get set up. I have a fair few things to do and would otherwise be staying at work later (teacher). Is there any reason other than not wanting to feel rushed? I think, if not, he needs to give half an hour to his family in the morning.

HeyCat · 14/05/2017 08:58

He's being selfish. You might need to really spell out the problem for him, it's likely he doesn't really understand why you can't shower once he goes.

Collidascope · 14/05/2017 08:58

Sounds like he's being unreasonable. What does he do when he gets there an hour early? Sit and have a leisurely coffee and read the paper in a cafe?

AyeAmarok · 14/05/2017 09:00

He struggles with dcs though and i wonder if he does it to get out.

He does.

YANBU. He is. What happened to teamwork?

Original poster
Whirltime · 14/05/2017 09:02

I think it is to avoid being involved with the kids and helping out. I try to keep up with everything but there is times i fall behind and he gets stroppy when i ask for help as he has little time at home and says he wants to spend time with kids but just ends up sat playing games on his mobile phone and if hes left at home alone hes on the xbox the whole time. Hes gone to work this morning. Theres no trains early so got a lift. Told me last night he would be leaving at 8.30pm. At quarter to 8 he went to get ready and i was going to get shower and dress once he came down. He comes down said his mate was already on way he had to go. Which so confuses me they start at 9 its a 15 minute car ride on a sunday morning when the roads are dead. So now i can't get dressed today.

OP posts:
HardplaceandRock · 14/05/2017 09:03

It's hard, I see how it affect you, but I like to get to work earlier than my start time...i have a similar commute and I get a train 2 before the one I need, just so should there be any problems it doesn't impact on me getting to work on time...also means I have 10 mins when I get there to nip to the loo and grab a coffee before I start.....rather then rushing to my desk and having to get straight to it....on days hubby is home that means he is left with the kids and himself to sort out.

bakingaddict · 14/05/2017 09:03

runloganrun most people who work have a set time to start but most managers don't mind if some-one is occasionally late due to delayed trains. The OP has said it's a reliable train service, why should she shower of an evening just so he has his 'me-time' of a morning

VerySadInside · 14/05/2017 09:05

Tricky. I would not want only a 5 minute margin for delays and then faffing when getting to work if I had to start dead on 8. Everyone at my work gets there 30-45mins before.

Original poster
Whirltime · 14/05/2017 09:07

He works in a call center has nothing to set up he just likes to log on early and be ready to work he says. He just sits and plays on his phone till his shift starts.
I have spelt it out. He just keeps saying to me why is it always me the bad guy. Why do i always feel am in the wrong. I have explained that he needs to be there for his kids and not on his phone all the time. And i that i am only asking for a little help.
I have fully accpted that i am going to be the one doing all the care for the house and kids i just want half an hour in the morning to wash and dress.

OP posts:
bakingaddict · 14/05/2017 09:07

He's a sorry excuse of a DH, absent dis-interested father, leaves you to cope with the kids, offers little in the way of support for you. Are there any redeeming qualities to him?