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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me or dh?

107 replies

Whirltime · 14/05/2017 08:45

Dh works in next town. Its a 5 minute walk to train station, a 7 minute train ride to next town and then a 3 minute walk to his work. The trains are pretty good and apart from the odd strike they run like clockwork.
This week he starts work at 8 am. Theres a train at 6.40 , 6.50, 7.40 and 7.50.
He has just got really annoyed at me as i can't understand why he wants to get the 6.40 when he can easily get the 7.40 and get to work with a few minutes to spare. He does this every day where he leaves an hour to an hour and a half early saying he doesnt want to rush. I just want a bit of time in the morning to shower and dress before he leaves. I can't after he leaves as i have 3 dcs 12 year old with sn a 3 year old with sn and a 2 year old there sn means they need constant supervision.
Its not like i ask him to stay and do house work i do all that i just want a little time in the mornings to be human. Once he leaves the house i have zero time for anything. Am i asking to much?

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 14/05/2017 10:24

Some posters need to read the OP's responses!!
He has to be logged on by 8:15 therefore even if he gets to work at 8 on the dot he still has plenty of time to get set up for the day!
OP you are definitely not BU. I would suggest you agree alternate weeks of a 2/3 split so one week he gets the early train 3 days a week, the next week 2. Then you're getting an even split of what you'd each like to happen.
Take your clothes with you into the loo next time you go, no need to not get dressed. Sounds v hard for you Flowers

TheNaze73 · 14/05/2017 10:25

I wouldn't rely on the 7:40. Far too near to start time

TiredMumToTwo · 14/05/2017 10:25

"Not everyone is good at coping" - some of us (like the OP) don't have a choice and just have to cope. Been in a similar position - he needs to step up!

theymademejoin · 14/05/2017 10:30

What on earth are all you people doing in the mornings that you need 15-30 minutes before you start work? I get in, drop my stuff, go to the loo if need be, grab a coffee, start up my computer etc with time to spare in 5 minutes.

The 7.40 train gives him 10 minutes over what he needs to get to work and he them has a further 15 minutes to faff around. I missed the 8.15 login time earlier. He's being even more unreasonable than I thought.

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 10:32

What on earth are all you people doing in the mornings that you need 15-30 minutes before you start work?

Exactly. I've come to the conclusion that some people are just faffers.

Nanna50 · 14/05/2017 10:34

Whirltime you can claim for all of your children with SN and it may help if you approach an organisation for help perhaps start looking at something like this
www.cafamily.org.uk/

You may have to push children's services for more help as I agree if they see you coping then they will move on to someone else.

NannyOgg the OP can pay for care whatever time she wants it, carers work early mornings and late evenings, and she can employ privately with the right benefit income.

And yes they would be stuffed if the OP wasn't coping but that doesn't mean everyone can step up which is often the war cry from MN. Simply telling people they have to do better doesn't always work and sometimes we need to look at other resolutions.

Original poster
Whirltime · 14/05/2017 10:39

I do get dla for my eldest.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 14/05/2017 10:50

When I worked in a call centre the log on time meant sitting, headphones on, with all my systems up and running for that time.
The computer generally took 5 minutes or so tooad up and then getting all the systems started and entering all my passwords for log on time took a further 5 or so minutes.
So getting in at 8 would mean not having my computer loaded until after ten past 8, and yes if anything was going slow then I wouldn't be logged on in time.

theymademejoinin and ecureuil I teach. If I'm not in at least half an hour before 9 then I don't get through the emails for the day, have a pee, get my board up, register and lunch list sorted and prep any resources for the morning. I've no idea this made me a faffer.

sailorcherries · 14/05/2017 10:50

*to load up no tooad

Nanna50 · 14/05/2017 10:52

Do you claim the disabled child tax premium as well carers allowance? I'm not asking you to say on here just checking you have applied. I've just seen that he does not clock in until 8.15 so he IBU not getting the later train.

PeaFaceMcgee · 14/05/2017 10:56

He doesn't see himself as needing to take any responsibility for caring for his family. He's lazy, absent and defensive. He sounds horrid.

faerveren · 14/05/2017 11:05

It sounds as though one or more of your children are on the autism spectrum - is your OH on the spectrum - is this why he struggles with the children?

PeaFaceMcgee · 14/05/2017 11:09

OP has said the whole household is on the spectrum faerveren

PaintingOwls · 14/05/2017 11:15

I think he is avoiding childcare responsibilities. Selfish git.

theymademejoin · 14/05/2017 11:24

Sailor - what you are doing is part of your job. You obviously need to do that outside pupil contact time. You can presumably choose to do that before you start teaching or after you finish teaching. As you choose to do it before, your start time is then 8.30. I presume you don't need 15-30 minutes before that to get yourself ready to start?

I consider the work related tasks I have to do outside what would be considered to be the "productive" part of my job to be work that needs to be scheduled. You are obviously the same. That's not faffing. That's working.

FloatyCat · 14/05/2017 11:28

I don't think he IBU
Things go wrong with trains:
Late/delayed/cancelled,
Full on arrival therefore can't board (particularly peak times 7-8.30am),
Signalling & points failures etc.
The 7.40 is risking all of the above - cutting it too fine in my opinion .
He is responsible for earning the cash, a couple of late starts and he may well get sacked. In a call centre you absolutely have to be there for your start time.
Everyone has been very quick to point out he is being selfish enjoying a coffee etc, but when commuting by train you have to build a bit of extra time in due to all the things that can delay you.

StatisticallyChallenged · 14/05/2017 11:35

The 7.40 could be cutting it fine but it sounds like he will not even try.

It doesn't matter if he likes to have time in the morning. His wants don't trump ops need to wash and get dressed.

He also has colleagues taking that train; presumably if it had ongoing issues with boarding, lateness or cancellations then those colleagues would have discovered the issues and experienced any possible disciplinary action.

If his colleagues are managing fine on that train then it's nothing more than a preference for quiet time. Tough shit, he has 3 kids and an exhausted wife.

StarOnTheTree · 14/05/2017 11:51

YANBU I have a similar train journey to get to work with similar times. I like to get there early if I can so that I have time to chill a bit as I prepare my work for the day.

I'm a single parent so rely on childcare. Depending on my shifts I can sometimes get an early train but half the time I have to get the later one due to childcare start times so no time to chill/prepare my work. I hate feeling rushed but childcare trumps having that extra time at work.

When I get the later train I only have 5 mins at work before I'm due to start working. Only one train has ever been cancelled and the train is never more than a minute late. Even if it was cancelled/late more often I still couldn't get the early train more than I already do.

So your DH is BU OP. He should stay and help every morning until the DC are older or easier for you to manage.

faerveren · 14/05/2017 12:31

OP has said the whole household is on the spectrum faerveren

Oh I missed this - if this is the case then I don't understand your previous comment that he is horrid.

OP if whole family is on the spectrum then you should probably have a family assessment - find out how you all can be best supported.

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 13:12

*theymademejoinin and ecureuil I teach. If I'm not in at least half an hour before 9 then I don't get through the emails for the day, have a pee, get my board up, register and lunch list sorted and prep any resources for the morning. I've no idea this made me a

That's part of your job surely? So the time you're doing that you're working? So your start time is actually 8.30am rather than 9am to allow yourself to get that work done?
If OP's partner is using that time to work then fine. There's no suggestion that he is, however.

Brittbugs80 · 14/05/2017 13:34

Are there any of his working days that are hardest for you at home? On those mornings could he get the 740 train? If he's very much into a routine and on the spectrum, his needs need to be considered too, it's not like he's being a lazy dick on purpose! Would it be worth getting him to take a later train on a non working day so he can see that it's ok to do this and he will arrive on time?

Maybe encourage him to do bath times alongside you to start instead of him doing it alone, to get the children used to him doing the routine and maybe boost his confidence too?

Just remember, men are wired differently to us, sometimes they need coaching and treating like a child would!

Hope you find a solution that works.

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 14:06

Just remember, men are wired differently to us, sometimes they need coaching and treating like a child would!

Absolute rubbish.

HeyCat · 14/05/2017 14:43

"Just remember, men are wired differently to us, sometimes they need coaching and treating like a child would!"

Bollocks.

There is no respectable evidence that men are "wired differently" in that way. Try reading Cordelia fine, she's excellent at explaining how the media have distorted the studies that have been done (and the limitations of those studies).

PuntasticUsername · 14/05/2017 15:04

"Just remember, men are wired differently to us, sometimes they need coaching and treating like a child would!”

Fuck's sake.

ijustwannadance · 14/05/2017 18:01

It's funny how he can't possibly get the later morning train but will happily miss his evening train and get yet another hour to himself.