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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it me or dh?

107 replies

Whirltime · 14/05/2017 08:45

Dh works in next town. Its a 5 minute walk to train station, a 7 minute train ride to next town and then a 3 minute walk to his work. The trains are pretty good and apart from the odd strike they run like clockwork.
This week he starts work at 8 am. Theres a train at 6.40 , 6.50, 7.40 and 7.50.
He has just got really annoyed at me as i can't understand why he wants to get the 6.40 when he can easily get the 7.40 and get to work with a few minutes to spare. He does this every day where he leaves an hour to an hour and a half early saying he doesnt want to rush. I just want a bit of time in the morning to shower and dress before he leaves. I can't after he leaves as i have 3 dcs 12 year old with sn a 3 year old with sn and a 2 year old there sn means they need constant supervision.
Its not like i ask him to stay and do house work i do all that i just want a little time in the mornings to be human. Once he leaves the house i have zero time for anything. Am i asking to much?

OP posts:

runloganrun101 · 14/05/2017 09:08

@bakingaddict - the 740 train would give him at most 10 mins to spare. Not sure I'd be comfortable with that either.

bakingaddict · 14/05/2017 09:13

Surely with 3 kids and 2 with special needs to get up of a morning, comfortable goes out the window. A compromise could be reached between the OP and her DH, he takes the 7.40 3 times a week, and then the 6.40 the other 2 days. At least it gives her some respite but he wants it all his own way

Original poster

Whirltime · 14/05/2017 09:15

Bakingaddict that's the thing i often wonder. What is redeming qualities are. Theres 2 i can think of hes a good listener and good at being there when i need to offload and takes it never gets annoyed at me when i scream and shout and buckle under the stress.
The second is he finacial supports us.
Thats it. I have been asked of a few close people why am with him becuase i do love him (stupid i know) and the fact that my lifes so shit at times and i dont want to add to it and i dont want to create a situation my dcs will struggle to cope with.
I am here and living my life for my dcs and to make there futures as successful as possible they need me for that.

OP posts:

kmc1111 · 14/05/2017 09:15

I'd consider the 7:40 train too late/risky if he has the sort of job where he needs to clock on or be seen to be on time. Even good train services suffer from regular delays and cancellations, and you can get held up on what should be short walks. I used to have to take a train that gave me that sort of short window to get there on time, and many times I ended up sprinting to work and starting the day stressed and sweaty.

Also depends on workplace, in many 8am start means you get there 15 mins early and do everything you need to get prepared to start work at 8. So no walking in at 8, getting a coffee, having a quick chat, waiting for computer to update, hunting down equipment etc.

It's not his fault there's no, say, 7:20 train. If there was and he was still taking the early train that would be shit, but 7:40 is cutting it really fine.

Trifleorbust · 14/05/2017 09:16

Sounds like there are bigger problems to worry about.

Original poster

Whirltime · 14/05/2017 09:16

I am going to suggest the comprise yous have suggested he takes 7.40 3 times a week and 6.40 2 times a week.
Hopefully he will be happy with that.
Thanks for suggestions and opnions everyone.

OP posts:

Brittbugs80 · 14/05/2017 09:20

I'd get the 650 train if I was him but that's because getting the next one would mean I'd be getting straight through the door and into work and if the next train was late or delayed, he would be late. If the 650 is cancelled or delayed he would still have time.

I work for Directory Enquiries when I was younger, which is a call centre, and we had to be in work 10 minutes before shift started. My job now, I have to be in 5 minutes before I start.

Are your children that full on, that you seriously cannot get dressed today? If they have such complex SN then do you qualify for respite? My niece and nephew have severe complex SN that my Sister and Bil get respite for 3 hours a week.

Maybe you need to sit down with him and explain just how much work they are with their sn. Does he even know how much you are struggling in reality to the point of being unable to get dressed or haven't you told him in detail?

Original poster

Whirltime · 14/05/2017 09:23

Yes they are. And yes he knows everything.
We don't get respite as theres no funding for it anymore.
He doesnt have to be in early as long as he in the building at 8am hes fine he has to be logged on by 8.15am.

OP posts:

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/05/2017 09:29

He does this because it means he may have to have up to an hour of 'helping' you rather than taking responsibility for the children in the morning. His extra hour is much more important than yours

Yep. And I bet he spends it chilling out with his phone (I was going to say the newspaper, but that is rather last century) and a cup of coffee, either by himself or with his mates, while you do the hard yards. YANBU - he's a selfish dick.

Inertia · 14/05/2017 09:30

It sounds like there are bigger problems with his detachment from the family.

I think I probably wouldn't fight this battle with him, as there is always the argument that if he is late for work then there is a risk his pay will be cut, or he could lose his job. I would insist that he takes over with the children at bedtime, and you could shower then so that in the morning it takes 2 minutes to dress.

Goldfishjane · 14/05/2017 09:33

He does this to have chill out time in a empty office. The train times are a bugger but I'm a bit puzzled by them, is there an alternative? Did you take his word on those times?

Asmoto · 14/05/2017 09:33

Working in a call-centre is very full-on and stressful, and it's a job where you're chained to your desk and can't easily talk to your colleagues. I don't blame him for wanting some time before his shift begins - it's probably the only chance he gets to have a coffee and catch up with his colleagues.

Gaggleofgirls · 14/05/2017 09:34

Haha I feel your pain totally!!

My DH does exactly the same, he left this morning at half 7 despite not starting until 9. It used to drive me crazy but only bothers me now if he wakes me and the kids ridiculously early.

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 09:35

it's probably the only chance he gets to have a coffee and catch up with his colleagues

But why is his desire to have a coffee and a chat more important than her desire to have a shower and get dressed?

harshbuttrue1980 · 14/05/2017 09:36

YABU. His job is the sole income coming in. How are you going to cope if he gets sacked for being late? All because you wanted a shower in the morning rather than the night before?? Call centres aren't particularly cuddly and understanding places to work, and its likely that they would sack him very quickly if he was late a few times. I would never cut it so fine as to only allow myself 10 minutes leeway. Yes, you do an important job at home with sn kids, but he does an important job providing for you all as well. Could you get up earlier than him if you really must have a shower in the morning? The person going to work in the morning has the most time pressure, so I think they have first dibs on the shower in the morning rather than someone staying at home.

DonttouchthatLarry · 14/05/2017 09:37

I'd hate to sit at work for an hour and 10 minutes before starting! But obviously that suits him better than helping with the DC. If the 7.40 was cancelled or late even the 7.50 would get him there bang on 8 so still not late for work.

bakingaddict · 14/05/2017 09:39

I hope your compromise works out for you whirltime. I'd also suggest seeing a couples counsellor, it's all well and good that he listens to you but the reality is he isn't. If he was properly listening to how stressed you were finding it all, he'd be stepping up and doing more to help you. You need to be firm in this message

Asmoto · 14/05/2017 09:40

But why is his desire to have a coffee and a chat more important than her desire to have a shower and get dressed?

OP could get up earlier to shower and dress.

Original poster

Whirltime · 14/05/2017 09:41

Thats the point isnt it hes never bloody here even at night he arrives just after or about 5 minutes before 2 youngest dcs bedtime with the normal excuse of i call held on so i missed my train.

OP posts:

Marmalade85 · 14/05/2017 09:42

My guess is that he goes for a leisurely breakfast before work somewhere and relaxes because he can't be arsed with morning chaos. YANBU at all, especially since he doesn't really start until 8.15.

Original poster

Whirltime · 14/05/2017 09:43

I get up at 6am after a night of messed up sleep with dcs that are up and down so yes i could get up ealier or give up on sleep

OP posts:

innagazing · 14/05/2017 09:44

The person going to work in the morning has the most time pressure

Not in this case they don't...
I'd check the train times, they seem very odd to me.

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 09:46

OP could get up earlier to shower and dress

Yeah she could. I imagine as a full time carer to DC's with special needs, she's pretty knackered and needs to get some sleep.

Asmoto · 14/05/2017 09:48

It surely doesn't take more than 15 minutes to shower and dress, though?

Rainbowqueeen · 14/05/2017 09:48

If he won't agree to your compromise of taking 7.40 train three times a week, what about suggesting that as he gets 5 hours a week to himself that you work out a time for you to get your 5 hours a week to yourself

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