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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me or dh?

107 replies

Whirltime · 14/05/2017 08:45

Dh works in next town. Its a 5 minute walk to train station, a 7 minute train ride to next town and then a 3 minute walk to his work. The trains are pretty good and apart from the odd strike they run like clockwork.
This week he starts work at 8 am. Theres a train at 6.40 , 6.50, 7.40 and 7.50.
He has just got really annoyed at me as i can't understand why he wants to get the 6.40 when he can easily get the 7.40 and get to work with a few minutes to spare. He does this every day where he leaves an hour to an hour and a half early saying he doesnt want to rush. I just want a bit of time in the morning to shower and dress before he leaves. I can't after he leaves as i have 3 dcs 12 year old with sn a 3 year old with sn and a 2 year old there sn means they need constant supervision.
Its not like i ask him to stay and do house work i do all that i just want a little time in the mornings to be human. Once he leaves the house i have zero time for anything. Am i asking to much?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whirltime · 14/05/2017 09:49

Yes and i have 3dcs to dress as they all need my help.
I have just looked at train times and they are correct. They are 2 different trains that go though both stations that run every hour.

OP posts:
nancy75 · 14/05/2017 09:50

Weird to have no trains for 50 mins & then 2 trains with a 10 min gap!

CecilyP · 14/05/2017 09:50

it's probably the only chance he gets to have a coffee and catch up with his colleagues

Only if his colleagues also arrive an hour before shift begins which seems unlikely. He has a very easy commute; I bet there are others who work there, don't have home responsibilities, and still take the 7.40, which gives 10 minutes to spare.

BrutusMcDogface · 14/05/2017 09:52

Yanbu. He is clearly shirking his responsibilities as a parent. I hope the compromise works but am also wondering why he can't get the 6.50?

Original poster
Whirltime · 14/05/2017 09:54

There are 2 others that dont have children that get the 7.40 train he told me this a few months ago.
I will also suggest that rainbow.
I understand he works and stressed and works hard for us. I dont doubt that.
I dont ask him to contribute much and on his days of only ask him to interact with the dcs so they have time with their dad they miss him. I do all house work cooking and care for dcs and him. I am trying to be reasonable just asking for a little time to dress and shower.

OP posts:
TiredMumToTwo · 14/05/2017 09:56

He is BU and selfish. There is no way I would put up with that. I had something similar with my DH and pointed out the inequality of our individual morning routines - things are better now, not equal but better!

LittleBearPad · 14/05/2017 09:58

He's being utterly selfish. There's no reason he can't catch the 7.40, get there with ten minutes to spare to switch on his computer, make a coffee and start work. It's just easier to avoid having to help writhing his children. Then he gets annoyed they don't want him to dress them!

No one needs an hour to get set up for work, particularly when their partner needs support.

The trains run like clockwork and if there were a problem then most employers are fine, especially the first time.

LittleBearPad · 14/05/2017 09:59

Is there a later indirect train, or a bus he could catch.

blankmind · 14/05/2017 10:06

Many SN conditions now are thought to have a possible genetic component.
It's also possible he is on the spectrum and needs a fixed, low key morning routine like that to help him cope with the day ahead.
Rather than this being him opting out for selfish reasons, perhaps it's something he needs to do in order to do his job.

Talk to him OP, try and get him to compromise for a couple of mornings then you also could compromise by showering the night before his earlier starts.

Giddyaunt18 · 14/05/2017 10:07

The 7.40 train leaves it a bit tight imo. It's normal to arrive at work 15 mins early at least to be ready to start work at say 8am. I start at 8.45 but am there before 8.30 most days. I often shower and wash my hair before bed, get packed lunches made etc to make mornings easier. Could you do that?

Patchouli666 · 14/05/2017 10:07

Men are wide differently it seems hen it comes to stuff like this. He can't cope. Probably finds it hard to accept having two children with sn. And to him, if they won't be changed/ bathed by him, he is again failing and won't want to try. He, in his head is out of his depth.
And regards to the job, he is probably worried that if he's late, he may lose it and then where would you be? When he is working or heading to work, it's all for a purpose. Even if he doesn't need to leave that early and just plays on his phone, he feels like he is doing something.
It's not right and doesn't make it easy for you but he is just as stressed and worried and up against it as you are.
You need to sit down with a glass of wine and have a no blame chat. See what you can both do, say one thing each that would help lighten your respective days. It will help you feel less like roommates and more like life partners. Bring the closeness back. And I'm sure more will then start to flow.

Original poster
Whirltime · 14/05/2017 10:07

No indirect train. The town where he works only a small one so only has a train station in it.
The bus goes though 3 different towns so takes alot longer.

OP posts:
Giddyaunt18 · 14/05/2017 10:08

But don't see why he can't get to 6.50?

Angrybird123 · 14/05/2017 10:12

The OP has made it pretty clear that the nature of her partner's job and his time frame means he is perfectly able to get the later train and help her. She is also pretty clear that he is not a pitch in and help type when he is at home and almost openly admits that he is avoiding the hassles by leaving early. This is not ok. To the pp who said ' but he is the only one earning ' that is absolutely not an excuse. A couple contribute to the family / household I different ways and the op's role sounds a damn sight more relentless and pressured than his frankly. I bet he gets breaks, the commute etc to chat with adults, drink hot coffee, go to the toilet alone. She doesn't. OP...YANBU

sailorcherries · 14/05/2017 10:13

Yabu, the 7.40 train gets him in at 7.47 and then the walk to work means he enters the building at 7.50. If anything were to go wrong that morning with trains, hold ups leaving the house, hold ups on the way to and from the station he would be late. The 7.40 isn't practical.

The 6.50 is the only practical half way solution but only gives you an extra 10 minutes which, I highly doubt, you would be happy with.

You have alsonsaid yourself that DC 2 and 3 will not let him do bath time, get them changed or other things to help you. What do you actually want him to do at bed time and in the morning? If him helping them is not an option?

As for today he might not have to leave until 8.30 but if his friend is giving him a lift then it really is not in his control. Yabu to be annoyed at that. He might not need to be in until 9 but friend may have x, y and z to do. That cannot be helped.
If you knew he was leaving at a set time today why did you not get up and shower first to make sure you definitely were showered?

It's also odd that you have his entire journey timed, in minutes, down to a tee.

Original poster
Whirltime · 14/05/2017 10:13

He doesnt like the 6.50. Dont know why.

I will try to talk to him see if we can become one again.
We are both on the spectrum which is probably where all the difficulty lies. Hes got his mind set in the fact hes just like his father and his father was never there for him. I need to try get him to relize that doesnt have to be true. He can be different to his father.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whirltime · 14/05/2017 10:16

Sailorcheeries am not asking him to do anything but watch them alittle in the morning.
As for this morning he lead me to believe he was getting picked up at 8.30.

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 14/05/2017 10:16

I would not want to get the 7.40 train for an 8am start it would be too small a margin for me. He can get the 6.50 though and not the 6.40. Can he negotiate an 8.30 start due to caring responsibilities?

However if you have 2 or 3 children with SN you need a benefit check to ensure you have all the correct benefits and tax credits in place and believe me this can add up to a very substantial sum.

This means you can buy in help and have you had a social care assessment to pay for help? Perhaps your OH needs routine, or you do, and blaming and comparing each other is no way to resolve what must be a difficult caring role. Not everyone is good at coping no matter how hard we want them to be.

This will take some pressure off you both as resenting each other is destructive to your relationship.

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2017 10:18

I do wonder if some posters have fully taken on what the OP has said.
She has two DC with SN who need supervision and a toddler who needs supervision.

Even when he's home her DH does very little to help with the children, one of whom can go to bed very late. (in fact, spends his time on his phone or gaming)

I assume all night duties are down to the OP too.

But yes, her DH needs his 'down time' to get ready for his day sitting at a desk.

Sheesh!

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2017 10:19

Not everyone is good at coping no matter how hard we want them to be.

Well, good job the OP is, or they'd be stuffed, wouldn't they?

And do you really think she'll be entitled to help in the mornings? I highly doubt it.

harderandharder2breathe · 14/05/2017 10:19

If he doesn't have to be logged on til 8.15 then the 7.40 leaves him plenty of time

his wants are not more important than yours, and certainly not more important than your children's needs!

Original poster
Whirltime · 14/05/2017 10:20

Am currently sorting benefits dc2 who has Asd Spd and Ld has be refused and just appealed.
No we havent had any social care assesments. We have had socail care in once asking for help but they saod because i cope so well i wasnt entitled and that i would beed to pay 16 an hour for any care help we can't afford this at the moment.

OP posts:
shinyredbus · 14/05/2017 10:21

What a very selfish man! Sounds like he just don't want to help you in the morning. I'm angrybon your behalf and would have half a mind to show him this thread Angry

P/s: to the husband, if you are reading this : stop being so selfish and help your wife in the morning!

CecilyP · 14/05/2017 10:23

The 7.40 is perfectly practical and gives 10 minutes to spare, and if it is cancelled, his late option still gets him there on the dot of 8. If he takes it and is late, then he could always revert to the earlier one for a while. Not liking the 06.50 for such a short journey, seems a lame excuse.

theymademejoin · 14/05/2017 10:23

I can't believe the posters saying the 7.40 train doesn't give him enough time! Leaving out the length of time to walk to the station from home as he has full control over that, it leaves him 100% of the journey time as slack. It's not like he's only leaving 10 minutes slack on a 2 hour journey.

Even if the 7.40 didn't turn up, he would still get to work bang on time (or probably even a minute or so early as he would walk really fast to the office). Not ideal, but if very occasional due to a train not turning up, most employers would understand.

I think he's being really selfish and I would find it hard to respect a man who had so little consideration for his family.