Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sick of having to run everything past DH and wondering if it would be easier single?

(26 Posts)
Zhan Wed 12-Apr-17 16:56:21

Been married two years and for the past year or so have day dreamed about leaving and being on my own. I find it so draining. Everything is a battle. Few examples - I worked full time ever since we met but recently we discussed this as decided together that it would be better for me to go on casual hour contract. In my profession this means as many or as little hours as I want with full flexibility on shifts, annual leave etc. Ever since I started however he has continuously used it against me saying stuff like "oh well, better get up for work, one of us has to" or "I wouldn't know how work flexibility, it's not a luxury I have" etc etc. Last night he openly admitted that he's jealous of my new flexible work - I reminded him that he wasn't jealous when I was working nights, 6 day weeks, bank holidays, all over Christmas (when he had two weeks off!) etc etc. It's like everything is a competition.
Another thing is the kids and how restricted I am financially. My eldest asked me to buy him his provisional licence yet I had to hide this from DH as he said his son had to buy his own. His son has never worked a day in his life so SOMEONE must have given him the money to do it, even if it wasn't us. It's not as if he had to go out and earn the money for it so why should my son be expected to?
MIL gave all the kids £10 each for Easter. His kids took theirs home with them last weekend. DS asked if he could have his today as it's his girlfriends burthday. I asked DH who said "no, it's for Easter" and then "do what you want but I don't think he should have it". So I "did what I wanted" and gave him it. DH then said "I see you gave him that money even though I said no". What makes him the boss??? I'm sick of pussy footing around him every time I want to do anything.

Apart from this we don't talk, very rarely have sex and in all honesty I suspect we only stay together as we enjoy travelling together. In between though I'm stuck having to ask his permission for everything like a child to her father.

One more example. We were both smoking. We both stopped and went onto vapour. I kept up with this for ages but I hate it and have started smoking again. DH is furious and says I must stop. Yet he's partial to the odd smoke of cannabis and once a year at least takes ecstasy and last year - cocaine. When I asked him not to repeat that this year he basically told me he was an adult and would make his own decisions.

Seems a bit one sided???!!

Smeaton Wed 12-Apr-17 16:59:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 12-Apr-17 17:00:15

So why stay with him?
It sounds exhausting.
You would be better off single.
How would you be financially if you separated?
What is the situation with the house?
Really look into why you are putting up with this.
I'd be telling him to bogoff!

Zhan Wed 12-Apr-17 17:01:47

The house is jointly owned. I don't even know how you go about sorting that out. He put more into it than me so I'm assuming I'd have to move out

Msqueen33 Wed 12-Apr-17 17:02:07

Sounds like a rubbish relationship and I think you know that. You sound unhappy. Relationships always have niggles (he falls asleep in front of the tv, always on his phone) but this seems miserable. Life is too short to be unhappy. Money wise are you okay for money?

happypoobum Wed 12-Apr-17 17:02:58

Zhan this is the same DH who deliberately sprayed his snot all down your back, yes?

No matter how many times you post about him, the advice is going to be the same - he is a horrible man and you sound lovely.

I guess you will make your decision in your own time but I can't see why you stay, I really can't. flowers

Zhan Wed 12-Apr-17 17:05:56

Financially I'd be fine. Shorter of money than I am now obviously but with far fewer outgoings. Plus I'd be able to make financial decisions alone so I'd feel more secure anyway.

I remember being single and I do miss it. Since been with DH I've began drinking heavily on a weekend and have given up all my hobbies. Not because he's told me to but I feel like I've lost all motivation in life.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 12-Apr-17 17:14:29

You need to see a solicitor to find out what would be the best approach with the house.

You are setting a terrible example for your children.

Kikikaakaa Wed 12-Apr-17 17:21:16

He doesn't sound like a very nice stepfather or a husband. Life is to one short to spent it with wankers?

innagazing Wed 12-Apr-17 17:23:26

Go and see that solicitor...

Moanyoldcow Wed 12-Apr-17 18:43:31

Seen some of your previous threads. How you've stayed is beyond me.

Your husband is a cunt.

upperlimit Wed 12-Apr-17 18:49:07

Oh God, you've been married two years and have been fantasising about leaving him for one of them?

For that alone, just leave. He sounds like a pain in the ass.

Cherrysoup Wed 12-Apr-17 19:08:13

He sounds like he's trying to control you. No wonder you've list motivation. Is he verbally/physically aggressive?

Cherrysoup Wed 12-Apr-17 19:08:40


BrightNewLife Wed 12-Apr-17 21:41:58

When I was in the same situation as you, I found it helpful to start naming things rather than making excuses or using vague language.

MN taught me about straight-talking!

"Having to run things past him". No. It means he's controlling
"Sighing 'someone has to get up...". hello, that's typical Passive aggressive dialogue.
"I see you gave him that money even though I said no". Controlling again - this time financial control, dictating who can spend what, and when.
Double standards around the smoking behaviour, one rule for you, a different one for him.

Call a spade a spade. "Asking permission" is control.

Trawl through my past threads, you'll see I left a controlling emotionally and verbally abusive DP after 12 years. Don't waste any more time.

Fishface77 Thu 13-Apr-17 00:07:22

Second thread today op?
Same advice as before. It's not just you that's suffering it's the DC.

LesisMiserable Thu 13-Apr-17 00:16:50

Listen you fucked up and married the wrong person. Nobody is keeping you there. Own it and move the fuck on.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp Thu 13-Apr-17 00:20:28

why did you marry him knowing all this? confused

go see a solc and get some legal advice about the house etc and take it from there.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Thu 13-Apr-17 07:21:13

When I first saw you say he makes comments about your flexi-work I was ready too say maybe you are a bit sensitive.

My husband and I do it too each other, when the other has a day off in a jokey manner.

Then I carried on reading and realised he isn't joking, he's being a dick.

What have the easter cards got to do with him? His children has taken theirs early, highly doubt their card is still sealed and waiting too be opened on Sunday. So how does it put him out what day your children open theirs?

He honestly sounds like
" you live how I say, not how I do "

Playing head games, look at the easter card situation. Something so tiny and yet he's got you questioning whether it was wrong.

Why is he in charge finicially?
I must admit I control the accounts in the family household but that is purely because my DH is shit with money. But my husband has access too all money I just tell him what we have "spare" after ive deducted bills etc.

Seriously, what do you get out of this relationship? Like a PP said write a list, once you start writing it just flows and is honestly therapeutic.

Hellofromme Thu 13-Apr-17 08:09:59

This is the man that deliberately sneezed on you?

I know what I would do.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary Thu 13-Apr-17 08:14:16

Don't compound the mistake of marrying the wrong man with the even bigger mistake of staying with him.

AlternativeTentacle Thu 13-Apr-17 08:17:16

I haven't read past threads that I know of, but just reading that he sounds like a cunt. So just stop wasting any more of your precious life with this one. It isn't going to end well.
He does not have your back.
Or your kids' back.

starzzzz Thu 13-Apr-17 08:21:10


How old are the children?

brassbrass Thu 13-Apr-17 08:36:17

Been married two years and for the past year or so have day dreamed about leaving and being on my own.

That kind of says it all really. Life is too short. Be happy.

thatdearoctopus Thu 13-Apr-17 08:45:50

Is this the bloke who has his son round to watch films and ignores you all night?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: