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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say BF should be here when his ex wants his DC looked after

349 replies

SooSmith · 11/05/2017 08:45

I'm in a new relationship that started just after Christmas. Boyfriend moved here in March.

I want him to keep in contact with his kids, but I aibu to say that if his children are here, then he should be here as well.

His ex works three evenings a week, my BF works nights some weeks. She wants us to have them when she is at work, which is fine when he is home. If he's also at work, then I've insisted she finds someone else. I've got two kids of my own to sort out.

I also have said that on his weekends when he has them, he is here with them and not playing football. Or they don't come.

Things came to a head on Monday when I had taken my kids out, and boyfriend sent me a text asking me to go home as her childcare had fallen through. I told him to leave work and go home himself. When I returned an hour later I found her waiting outside for me. When she started getting the kids out of the car with their stuff, I went in and shut the door, and said if she drove off without them I'd call SS.

AIBU to insist I am not an unpaid childcarer when his ex goes to work?

OP posts:
AmberStClare · 16/05/2017 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 16/05/2017 22:06

They are the children of your supposed life partner, not your mate's from down the road. Christ!

stitchglitched · 16/05/2017 22:06

Well this is what happens when you move some random bloke in with your children within weeks of his marriage breaking up. They won't have had a chance to sort out silly little details like child contact and childcare arrangements. Too busy being in luurrve. Selfish dickheads the pair of you.

happymumof4crazykids · 16/05/2017 22:18

You are not BU to expect your DP to be home when his children are there, but you are BU to say you are not prepared to have them unless he is. I can't see a problem with him playing football on a weekend as that is a hobby and as long as you are not working I don't see the problem with the kids being with you as long as he doesn't take the piss and be gone all day! Watching football is a different matter and you shouldn't have to be responsible for his children just so he can go out during his contact time.
Both your DP and his ex are very unreasonable to expect you to pick up the slack for childcare issues though. I would say no in no uncertain terms. She is the resident parent so she is responsible for sorting childcare for work. She is the one that is able to get help toward her childcare costs so unfortunately for her she just has to suck it up and put better plans in place.
If your DP is off work then he should step up and help if he can but if he's working then it's down to the RP to sort really and not by using you!

FlossyMooToo · 16/05/2017 22:19

Amber grow up.

PookieDo · 16/05/2017 22:22

Why is everyone still wasting their time on this. OP has picked out the 1% of comments on her side and ran with those only, deftly avoiding any other kind of opposing opinion

People ask questions and don't always want the answers

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 16/05/2017 22:29

Its not like that at all. Your not in a relationship with your friend. When your incolved with some with children you take on a relationship with their children. Essp if you live together.

Yes you do take on a relationship with the DCs but that relationship can take many forms, depending on how often you see them, how involved their parents are, how involved the parents want you to be, how well you get on etc. Especially after such a short relationship I doubt the DCs want to spend time at their dad's house without him there. If they were asking to come and spend time with Soo I'm sure she'd be happy with that. This is purely to benefit her DP's ex.

Soo is well within her rights to make her own rules around how involved she is comfortable being, as are we all. Generally DCs aren't looking for another parent, they just want quality time with their own parents.

I've already stated that the SS comment was out of order, but I stand by the point that nobody should feel beholden to someone else's ex partner.

kali110 · 16/05/2017 22:46

*"For those of you not in a step-situation, perhaps it would help to imagine you have asked a friend to look after your DCs for you while you go out. Friend has said sorry she can't she's working, ordinarily she's be delighted to help, as she loves your DCs, but she's not there, so you decide to leave your DCs on the doorstep for your friend's husband to look after. After all, he lives with her, so he should also be happy to have your DCs right?"

Thank god someone gets it! He's working this weekend, so is she. Well she was, but she probably won't.*

You're not in a bloody relationship with your friend!
I can't believe rhis is real, are you really this dense?
I feel sorry for all of the kids involved.
All of you are messing those kids up.

kali110 · 16/05/2017 22:47

Well this is what happens when you move some random bloke in with your children within weeks of his marriage breaking up. They won't have had a chance to sort out silly little details like child contact and childcare arrangements. Too busy being in luurrve. Selfish dickheads the pair of you.
THIS

Original poster
SooSmith · 16/05/2017 23:03

My boyfriend gets it now and hasn't asked it of me again. She did. As someone said she is the resident parent, she can get help with childcare costs, so why she can't go to a registered childminder I don't know. One who will do weekends.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 16/05/2017 23:24

And what is your boyfriend's responsibility towards childcare OP? Or doesn't he have any?

Oswin · 16/05/2017 23:28

Why can't your boyfriend put to the costs. And she might not get much help.

It's his responsibility too FFS!

PookieDo · 16/05/2017 23:30

Honestly I don't get it. Your boyfriend is a really crappy sounding dad and you don't want to hear it do you?

pictish · 16/05/2017 23:33

You're winding us up.

CocoaLeaves · 17/05/2017 05:54

Have you ever tried to find a childminder who will do weekends? She would need a nanny. And childcare tax credits are a partial help.

But that is not the point. Your boyfriend has a responsibility too. He is going to end up with his kids resenting him. Maybe the mother has form for asking friends to help because their father does not? The parents need to sit down with a mediator and sort out who has the children when including any financial arrangements for childcare. It is that simple. Stop excusing the man, he seems to be running away from his responsibilities.

Original poster
SooSmith · 17/05/2017 06:58

He is paying the mortgage and bills, what more is he supposed to do?

Train drivers can't just do the shifts they want to, she needs to understand that. She wanted to do overtime at that grunt job she has in a restaurant, but he can't just say he's not going to work.

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 17/05/2017 07:19

Grunt joob?
Is that some sort of slur?
I dont believe a word of this nobody is this deluded or vile.

JanetBrown2015 · 17/05/2017 07:53

I don't agree that it's impossible to get child care at odd hours. I have mym chidlren 365 days a year and work full time and have had them entirely on my own sicne the youngest were 4 years old . Their father chooses not really to see them and never helps and does not pay so in that sense it's really simple for me! On the other hand I have had to arrngae and pay for all child care for 14 years (obviously now they are about to leave school it is dead easy except university will be expensive etc).... Anyway over the years I have been able to find a sixth former to come here to look after the children mornings at weekends and we found an older lady who did lots of childcare and office jobs working odd hours who would collect them from school at 2 and look after them in my house under 3 (remember nannies and someone looking after your child at home does not need to be a "registered childminder" and all these people were really good - in fact the older lady sent the twins an 18th birthday card last year years after she left, hand made, absolutely lovely lady just found randomly through a local advert).

Kokusai · 17/05/2017 07:53

This whole situation is shit. You're living together as a family but actually all you want is his money and his dick, you're not interested in his kids.

AmberStClare · 17/05/2017 08:02

Flossy reported your obnoxious comment and looks like MNHQ agree with me. Have you got troll leanings?

FlossyMooToo · 17/05/2017 08:06

Oh get over yourself Amber running to the teacher then gloating on the thread is childish. I am embarressed for you.

Have you got troll leanings?

Are you troll hunting? That is against talk guidlines but dont worry I wont go crying to mnhq about it. Its a pathetic thing to do imo.

ShatnersWig · 17/05/2017 08:10

I think the OP would make an excellent politician. Avoids answering 95% of the questions posed and just answers the 5% that she feels are relevant.

CocoaLeaves · 17/05/2017 08:14

If you are relying on tax credits to help with childcare financially, they do need to be a registered provider Janet
You are I think in a good professional job with good income, which is great, but if one is relying on tax credits for some of the childcare costs, it is different.

wonderingsoul · 18/05/2017 08:22

I agree that the mum needs tonfind chuldcare when it falls on HER weekend.

When it hes turn. He needs to sort childcare out. And personally id do it because i chose to have a relationship with some with children so would treat them like i do my own.

Original poster
SooSmith · 18/05/2017 08:25

Yes but I didn't ask for advice on my relationship, there's a lot of assumptions and judgy comments being made.

I don't subscribe to this "child is looked after by the village" theory, I favour the "they're your brats" response when she triess to dump their kids on me.

In some jobs flexible working isn't possible. His ex knew that when she had their kids, so she has to suck it up and stay with them, when she can't find alternative childcare.

OP posts: