Aibu to say BF should be here when his ex wants his DC looked after

[SooSmith]

I'm in a new relationship that started just after Christmas. Boyfriend moved here in March.

I want him to keep in contact with his kids, but I aibu to say that if his children are here, then he should be here as well.

His ex works three evenings a week, my BF works nights some weeks. She wants us to have them when she is at work, which is fine when he is home. If he's also at work, then I've insisted she finds someone else. I've got two kids of my own to sort out.

I also have said that on his weekends when he has them, he is here with them and not playing football. Or they don't come.

Things came to a head on Monday when I had taken my kids out, and boyfriend sent me a text asking me to go home as her childcare had fallen through. I told him to leave work and go home himself. When I returned an hour later I found her waiting outside for me. When she started getting the kids out of the car with their stuff, I went in and shut the door, and said if she drove off without them I'd call SS.

AIBU to insist I am not an unpaid childcarer when his ex goes to work?

[ShatnersWig]

Your relationship is 100% relevant. It's because of this relationship that this situation has arisen. Totally and utterly of your own making.

[Westray]

I favour the "they're your brats"

Lovely attitude for a step mother.

[SooSmith]

No it's because the ex slept with someone else and blew her marriage. Probably because her BF didn't want to be left looking after the kids either.

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

Judgy comments are being made because of your posts and your narrative of the situation. While I think you're not ready to hear it right now, I do hope you read back through this and take some of the very valid posts on board, at some stage.

[ShatnersWig]

No, it's because you got involved with someone that soon after the break up of their marriage and moved him into your home with your kids within 2 months of getting together which is complete and utter madness. I'm not saying his ex covers herself in glory either, but perhaps if you'd have waited a sensible length of time before moving a new man into your kids' lives in this way, it might have worked out far better.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I think you did the right think with the childcare. In that sense you are no mug.

Yet you are letting him treat you like a mug. He was going off to football on his contact days! He's not paying any rent to you? Bills? Do you do his washing? Cook his dinner? Do you think he would have left her if he didn't have your bed waiting for him?

[SooSmith]

He does contribute as much as he can, but there are still the bills on their house.

[SooSmith]

Yes he would have left her and was talking about going to his brother's house.

[elephantscansing]

that grunt job she has in a restaurant

Charming.

[PurpleVauxhall]

I'm another one whose dad moved in with the mother of kids at my school. They were younger and immediately told everybody Dsis and I were their sisters. I hated them all then and I still hate him now. He didn't even consider us for a second. Nor did she. Awful people. He's a great dad to HER kids though, gave her daughter away at her wedding, was best man at her son's. He barely knows my kids. You are doing more damage than either of you know or care.

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

Op - your relationship matters because you moved him in before sorting "dad's/mums days". You are part of their figuring it out.

If he can't have any control over his shifts at all, is he planning on coping with set access days? Or will it be you looking after his dcs? Or will he pay a babysitter to sit in your house with you while he's at work? Or is he planning on telling his ex she can't expect him to have regular access that she (and more importantly the children) can plan round?

Obviously he's not at the stage of having answers for these questions, because you moved him in before he sorted any of this out.

That's the cost of you moving him in so early, you have to put up with their break up shit going on in your life because you've decided to become part of it.

The early stage of post break up parenting is always a bit of a mess while both parents find their feet. It is your choice to be part of that which is the cause of your current problem.

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

And as a newly single parent he can put in a flexible working request that could be for set regular shifts. He might not get it, but while he has you at home to pick up the slack, he's got no incentive to sort this out.

[kali110]

Wow, your comments just get worse.
'Grunt job' so not as good a job as yours then
You just don't get it do you?
If you actually survive in a few years when you're complaining that you have no relationship with your stepkids, think back to this.
You slammed the door in their
faces.
Shame on their father for thinking this was acceptable

[TheKrakenSmith]

I feel awful for the kids. I've never been a step parent, but I am a step child. Two parents worked shifts that could not be changed or negotiated, one was self employed, one worked a 9-5. I had seven siblings across four parents and they all worked as a team for all of us, even to the degree where my step mother would look after my step father's children for a few hours in a pinch if need be.
And maybe the adults felt bitter, but I remember it being pretty balanced and it gave us a pretty good childhood. Blended families mean that. I didn't really like my step mum, she was the worst of the four, but she never would've treated me like that. I was her step daughter, not my dad's brat.

[MrsEmilyPollifax]

With any luck, the ex will find a good partner so her children don't have to put up with your emotionally abusive bullying behaviour.

At this point, I'm all for a go fund me to protect her children from you and their useless cocklodger of a father.

[DrudgeJedd]

Thinking this is a wind up now. Op is on another thread claiming she has inherited 1.4 million from her parents

[Starlight2345]

So you were involved in discussions with him moving to his brother before the split?

I think you should talk to him about moving there..Where is the romance..This is supposed to be the honeymoon period..Now with kids involved it is never going to be as it was young , free and single. However you need to have fun together and the children may know each other through school but that is in no way the same as becoming step siblings. His Children need time to deal with the separation. before introducing partners and that is both sides.His children and yours both need to blend slowly. You are not a blended family because you move in a house together and if you all don't step back and really put these children first then they will really suffer.

I also think you need to stop dismissing this job for trying to work. At some point you will be complaining he is supporting them, at some point they will grow up and she needs to be able to support herself.

You have also chosen to not respond to if he ever has your kids when your not there..Even to pop to the shops?

[C0untDucku1a]

Op he clearly moved in with you because it was the easy thing to do. You should not move someone in with your children so quickly. That is madness and potentially devastating for the children when you actually get to know this man better. After six months youll still be getting his best efforts, which arent exactly great. Your children dont love him. That is ludicrous.

You are however not wrong that you should not be used as childcare with no warnings or even asking. You are not the step-mother, you are the father's girlfriend.

Why are you rushing this relationship?

[Salycinnamon11]

OP you really are something, this man lives with your children so he is either now or going to be their step father? Meaning you will be his kids step mother and you treat them like this, call them brats. This whole situation is just vile and I can't believe what I'm reading. Hopefully your DP of not even 6 months will come across this thread and see what you have said about his children and their mother.

[stitchglitched]

If the inheritance thing is true no wonder he was desperate to get his feet under the table so quickly.

[Salycinnamon11]

For what it's worth I agreed with your OP, you should not be expected to change plans to provide childcare but this whole set up isn't fair on anyone and you speak about his children in such an awful way 'they're your brats' if anyone I was in a relationship with said that about my DC I would be straight out of the door

[stitchglitched]

And maybe his ex has what you so rudely call a 'grunt job' because she has to work around your shit excuse for a father boyfriend who makes it clear his big important job is far more important and she is the only parent with responsibility for childcare.

[SooSmith]

I can assure you that the inheritance thing is true, but most of it is protected for my children which he knows about. Prenup been drawn up already.

[FlossyMooToo]

Prenups are not legally binding in the UK OP.