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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say BF should be here when his ex wants his DC looked after

349 replies

SooSmith · 11/05/2017 08:45

I'm in a new relationship that started just after Christmas. Boyfriend moved here in March.

I want him to keep in contact with his kids, but I aibu to say that if his children are here, then he should be here as well.

His ex works three evenings a week, my BF works nights some weeks. She wants us to have them when she is at work, which is fine when he is home. If he's also at work, then I've insisted she finds someone else. I've got two kids of my own to sort out.

I also have said that on his weekends when he has them, he is here with them and not playing football. Or they don't come.

Things came to a head on Monday when I had taken my kids out, and boyfriend sent me a text asking me to go home as her childcare had fallen through. I told him to leave work and go home himself. When I returned an hour later I found her waiting outside for me. When she started getting the kids out of the car with their stuff, I went in and shut the door, and said if she drove off without them I'd call SS.

AIBU to insist I am not an unpaid childcarer when his ex goes to work?

OP posts:
TheySayIamparanoid · 15/05/2017 02:09

Totally agree with Oswin

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2017 03:31

His needs are the only ones that matter, ensuring he gets his kicks, can get to work and has no disruption to his life. Yes, definely the most important. Neither of you gives a shit about his kids. There, there it sounds so tough for you, him sitting on his guilded throne fucking your brains out whilst the children suffer and his ex becomes more and more fraught. Let's face it, it's all ok because you luffs him.

RasperryInAMelon · 15/05/2017 07:39

Have only read @SooSmith posts... you and 'D'P are utterly selfish those poor children.

You were more than happy to ship him straight off of her sofa and into your bed quick enough - I don't believe for one moment that you would have considered your DC or that in the time he's been there he's not once looked after them unsupervised.

You made a conscious decision to over develop your relationship with this guy - you knew he had DC, you need to also step up and take responsibility for them too.

AmberStClare · 15/05/2017 08:54

Am very interested in the comments about the 'poor' kids all having to go to the same school and see each other. What do the PP suggest who are so shocked by this? More disruption for children by moving some to another school when they are supposed to be 'blending' as one big happy all singing all dancing family?

FlossyMooToo · 15/05/2017 09:01

I dont think anyone is suggesting they move schools but maybe if more time and care was taken the children would not have to cope with their parents spitting up and daddy living with a new family whos children they see everyday all in the space of 4 months Hmm

JigglyTuff · 15/05/2017 09:14

What I'm thinking Amber is that this situation should never have happened in the first place. And if the parents do decide to shack up with someone the minute their marriage breaks down, what the parents should do is bend over backwards to reduce the impact on the children. Not fail to organise who is looking after the children when and shut the door in children's faces.

That's not blending them as one big happy family - the OP has made it abundantly clear that she wants nothing to do with her 'boyfriend's' kids.

AmberStClare · 15/05/2017 09:25

OK accept that, really is down to the Ex and DP to sort out between them and not lean on the OP though.

Maybe if the Ex had not had an affair this sorry business would not have occurred in the first place.

Oswin · 15/05/2017 09:30

Fucks sake, my ex was abusive and cheated on me. Doesn't mean I think oh fuck my kids emotions. I'll shack up with a school dad straight away. Leave my kids at home, so my kids can see my new family every day. Selfish bastard.

Original poster
SooSmith · 15/05/2017 09:39

Wrong I do want my boyfriend's kids here - when he is here. Providing free childcare is not part of the deal though. Their mother has had the habit of farming them out for years - she is known for this amongst other parents at the school.

She has rung another mum's doorbell and virtually left them on the doorstep, hence my remark about SS.

My boyfriend can't just change his shifts willy nilly or come home when there's a crisis, he works as a train driver. She knew that when they started having children! If she wants maintenance he has to be able to keep working too.

And by the way he's able to pay a lot more because he is living here and not renting!! Other people have said he moved in too quickly. I am happy for him to move out and rent for a while so they can sort this out, but she'll probably expect me to pay their mortgage because he won't be able to.

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 15/05/2017 09:40

I dont think any of the adults have covered themself in glory tbh.

stitchglitched · 15/05/2017 09:40

I'd be surprised if a busy working Mum with young kids and seemingly sole responsibility for childcare could find the time or opportunity to have an affair. I wouldn't be surprised to find that individuals as selfish as the OP and her boyfriend, who she admits she had her eye on, could choose to rewrite history to make thenselves look better.

FlossyMooToo · 15/05/2017 09:42

Sounds like she was doing all the childcare as well as working when they were together.
Quite a catch your new fella Hmm

stitchglitched · 15/05/2017 09:46

Funny how it is always the man who has the big, important job that can't be disrupted. Whereas I'm sure the ex's boss is just thrilled when she can't come into work due to childcare.

corythatwas · 15/05/2017 09:47

OP, how do you see this relationship going forward from here? Do you think he will reform and never leave you with another minute's childcare? And if he does, how safe do you think his children will feel in the house of the woman who slammed the door in their face?

JigglyTuff · 15/05/2017 09:48

So your boyfriend is a poor blameless cuckold and his ex is a shit wife and a shit mother who forced him into becoming a dad. Right Hmm

waterrat · 15/05/2017 09:48

It must be absolutely devastating for the children to see their dad now living with their classmates instead of them. I literally cannot imagine how painful my children would find that - we are talking about a lifetime of damage here.

The damage could be made less severe if the whole thing had been handled incredibly carefully and sensitively. Which it hasn't been. Very very sad reading.

Oswin · 15/05/2017 09:52

Can you not see how selfish him moving in with you is.
Dont act like it's not your fault too, it is. Just because they are not your children doesn't mean you shouldn't think about how they will feel in this situation.

Tazerface · 15/05/2017 09:55

It disturbs me that you seem ready to jump into being a blended family but only when it suits you.

This sounds like a lose-lose situation and you were either the (possibly unwitting) OW or you're a rebound. It suits him to be with you doesn't it - sex on tap with a new exciting girlfriend who's fancied him for years, no worries about childcare as either mum or girlfriend will pick it up.

He needs to move out, sort things out properly with his ex (you know, it might be logical for her to be the main carer because her job is more flexible - maybe she doesn't want to be - it's just expected that mum will pick up the slack) and maybe when things are sorted to have a relationship with you.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/05/2017 09:57

Jeez, I dread to think what is going on in the mind of those poor kids. Daddy has a new family. Way to your kids feel worthless. Then yours who now have mr diamond dick in house. How will did you actually know him before you moved him?

But still, you got the prize eh.

Original poster
SooSmith · 15/05/2017 10:15

Tazerface - that's the whole point of the thread, I won't pick up the slack on childcare.

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 15/05/2017 10:18

OP can you see you not picking up the slack is not the actual problem! There is a bigger issue but it appears you are too selfish to see it Hmm

needsahalo · 15/05/2017 10:28

As he is the higher earner, if childcare can't be found, common sense dictates she stays home

Except she is now responsible for herself and her future and as such, needs to be thinking about her own work situation and building a career. What about the long term - pensions, for example? Children are a joint responsibility, not just the responsibility of the parent with whom they happen to spend more time. If childcare is an issue, a joint solution needs to be found.

JuicyStrawberry · 15/05/2017 10:47

AIBU to insist I am not an unpaid childcarer when his ex goes to work?

YANBU. Plenty of people pay for childcare so so should she.

Things came to a head on Monday when I had taken my kids out, and boyfriend sent me a text asking me to go home as her childcare had fallen through. I told him to leave work and go home himself

You gave him the perfect response. You had plans, so why should you rush home just because both parents want you to?

As for shutting the door, it probably wasn't the best way to go about it. I get you were angry though.
I'd be making it clear to the pair of them that this can't go on. A proper childcare solution needs to be found- not one where you're either ordered to come home right away for babysitting duties or one where there's a 50/50 chance their mum might be waiting outside your house to dump them on you and run.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 15/05/2017 11:21

If yr bf had taken the time to establish his own place apart from his fmh and live as a single man he would be forced to work out contact arrangements that worked for both parties. It's because he's moved straight in with you and your dc that he expects to be able to use you as childcare as OfficerVanHalen says, this is the price you are paying for moving so quickly.

Your DP needs to move out, establish his own boundaries with ex regarding childcare etc and work it out between the two of them. If and when you decide to move back in together then you can have a discussion about how things will work for you all up front, whether he is happy to pick up the slack with your DCs, or even if his ex is willing to help you out in a sticky childcare situation if she expects you to do so for her.

I don't live with my DP and have made it clear from the start that while I am happy to help HIM out if he's in a tricky spot with work/DCs I am not unpaid childcare for his ex. The two of them have good jobs because they don't have to worry about childcare (they never have to think about school holidays etc as they have live in help at one of their homes) whereas I have chosen to have a less financially rewarding job so that I can be home more. I am happy to do it if DP ever needs me to (very rare), because I know he'd do the same for me, but I'm not getting into bailing out the ex too. She has her own friends and family to call on.

I think the SS comment was a bit harsh, but I can understand why you were pissed off having said no, don't pass the buck to me and then finding them there waiting for you. Shitty behaviour from the mum.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 15/05/2017 11:26

InvisibleKitten nailed it - at the moment they are still acting like a couple, in that they both are assuming the default position is the other parent had the DCs when they can't, rather than having "Mums days, Dads days" and it being their own responsibilty to sort it out when it's their day