Aibu to say BF should be here when his ex wants his DC looked after

[SooSmith]

I'm in a new relationship that started just after Christmas. Boyfriend moved here in March.

I want him to keep in contact with his kids, but I aibu to say that if his children are here, then he should be here as well.

His ex works three evenings a week, my BF works nights some weeks. She wants us to have them when she is at work, which is fine when he is home. If he's also at work, then I've insisted she finds someone else. I've got two kids of my own to sort out.

I also have said that on his weekends when he has them, he is here with them and not playing football. Or they don't come.

Things came to a head on Monday when I had taken my kids out, and boyfriend sent me a text asking me to go home as her childcare had fallen through. I told him to leave work and go home himself. When I returned an hour later I found her waiting outside for me. When she started getting the kids out of the car with their stuff, I went in and shut the door, and said if she drove off without them I'd call SS.

AIBU to insist I am not an unpaid childcarer when his ex goes to work?

Disgusting behavior by all involved.

You put getting dick above the children's needs, do you think it's easy for his children to see daddy playing happy family's with another lady only a few weeks after he leaves?

Of course his ex is going to think he can leave her children with you, he's living with you, assuming he also looks after your kids... it's what you get for going so fast, if your not prepared to act as step mum, maybe you shouldn't have moved him in?

I don't live with my DP and have made it clear from the start that while I am happy to help HIM out if he's in a tricky spot with work/DCs I am not unpaid childcare for his ex.

It's good that you are being upfront about this. That way everyone knows where they stand. I hope he is firm about it with his ex in the future and that she doesn't sulk about it.

OP - no, she won't expect you to pay her mortgage, but be prepared for your DP to suddenly want you to subsidise his lifestyle (paying for joint nights out, coming over to yours for the evening regularly and expecting you to feed him but not pay for it because he 'doesn't live here').

If he does move out, you will be removed from the equation. It will force them to sort out their split family arrangements between themselves, without reference to a 3rd party - by moving him in, you have become a 3rd party in their relationship split, even if you weren't the cause of it!

Be aware, your DP might expect you to still provide childcare on 'his' days with the DCs if hes got to work.

OP - are you afraid he you ask him to move out he'll end your relationship? Are you worried that those saying he's only with you because it was convienent compared to getting his own place are right?

He needs to have his own place while he sorts out his full relationship split and establishes child access arrangements.

She's known him for 6 years though, so....although the romantic relationship is new, the personal one isn't. It doesn't really seem as dramatic as lots of posters are making out.

I think you are doing the right thing op, don't let yourself become the childcare. It feels to me like the ex is saying "fine! If you want my ex, you have to have his kids too!" And feels like she thinks you owe her servitude as penance for taking her man.

Tamatoa- she might have known him for years, but he hasn't been single for very long, he'd been out of a long term relationship a month when they started dating and he moved in with her without any stage managing the transition from parenting as a couple (even if he was sleeping in the spare room) to parenting as 2 separate households - so the op is having to live with him while he sorts that out.

With most non-resident parents, even if they dating someone by the time they move out of the marital home, they aren't living with that person so the 2 parents have to sort it out amongst themselves without other adults being involved.

Once you have kids you lose the luxury of being able to be wholly spontaneous and do things, "because it feels right". Under normal circumstances moving in together after two months (regardless of the length of friendship beforehand) is a bit nuts- adding two sets of kids into the mix is just a recipe for disaster.

At two, or even six, months, you're really still finding out who the other person is, learning more and more about them every night they stay over, every meal they have where they don't bother to load the dishwasher, how they deal with it when something doesn't go their way. Intimacy brings complacency in most cases, and you're finding out that he's very quickly dropped the need to keep his new partner happy and content in favour of making his own life easier. If that pattern continues, then the relationship is doomed and it'll be immeasurably harder to separate now that both of your lives and that of your children are entwined.

When If this relationship doesn't go the distance then please wait longer before you bring someone else into your kids' lives to such an extent. It's your boyfriend's kids I feel sorry for though- in the space of six months their parents have split up, their dad has moved out, they're now having to share their time with their dad with his new gf and another set of kids who live with him FT, and they're getting shunted from pillar to post. There's so little stability there and they're being really let down by everyone in this scenario.

At the start like this if you give an inch both those parents will take a mile and before you know it you will their door mat doing child care all the time. The father should hire chidlcare. I did. It cost me an absolute fortune. I didn't insist boyfriends minded my children when I worked. I shelled out the cash for childcare!

they both are assuming the default position is the other parent had the DCs when they can't that's not behaving like a couple, that's co-parenting.

The default should be the other parent, surely?

computer - no, you have set days each, then if you need childcare on your day, you arrange it.

Some divorced couples can still manage a flexible "hi ex, I have a night out on Wednesday night/want to pick up an extra shift, are you free to have the kids?" But most would book childcare, and only ask their ex to have an extra day/evening in an emergency.

It's going from being a team 7 days a week to going to half the week one parents sole responsibility, half the week the other parents, then only planning together on "big issues" like which school to send them too.

I dont like my ex (legally stbx) h very much.

But there is no way either of us would expect his gf to do our childcare! Nor would be move in with her and her kids at for that matter as they've only been seeong each other a year. I get the distinct impression that she is never expected to do anything relating to our 3 yr old when they are together. Why would she - her kids are 9, she's past that shit?

I digress but am basically saying even someone I think is a knob is better than this bloke you've found.

You're very determined that all the blame lies at the feet of your boyfriend's wife SooSmith. But look at the large concensus on your thread. All three adults are to blame. Yes, you too. He is a user, and you are putting your desire for him before the interests of the blameless children. Go back and read EverythingEverywhere1234's post ( Sun 14-May-17 11:32:12). That is what is actually going here. The children are being totally fucked over by your boyfriend and you. Not his wife. Him and you.

So - stick your fingers in your ears, sing 'la la la' to block out the voices here. But you know this is just plain wrong, and you know what to do. Tell him to move out, live independently, and act like the fucking father he is. Stop facilitating his shitty behaviour, and stop behaving shittily yourself.

Put the children first.

OP - sure this is a wind up?! No one can be this mean to children?!

If this is a real post - i feel so so sorry for the poor children - father jumped into bed so quickly and is playing happy family with someone else's children, their own mother seems to be bloody useless and father's girlfriend wants nothing to do with them unless useless father is around. Christ alive. Your boyfriend needs to move out and sort his life out with his children and his ex - they need to parent their children together.

Do they have any other relatives that can help - people that actually love the children and have their best interests at heart? They are children for gods sake.

If you had taken time to build this relationship as any normal person would then you could build a relationship with his children. If you love your dp then why wouldn't you want his children to be safe and cared for? You are all utterly selfish and childish imo. Blending families can be very hard, you should take time to all get to know each other to build trust and get to know one another. Then in time you would want to take care of your dp's children as hopefully you would care for them.

You need to put the brakes on and revisit how you are going to blend your families.

disturbs me that you seem ready to jump into being a blended family but only when it suits you.
This.
You don't care as long as it doesn't effect you.
All of you are messing those kids up, but you don't care as long as you get what you want.

they both are assuming the default position is the other parent has the DCs when they can't

that's not behaving like a couple, that's co-parenting. The default should be the other parent, surely?

Computer - that works well when both parents are considerate, responsible and equally committed to their DCs. In practice what actually happens is that one parent dumps the kids on the other at every available opportunity, fails to take any time off work for illness or other DC commitments and is never available to reciprocate.

In those circumstances (which sound very much like the OP's BF) having clearly divided mum-time and dad-time is the only way to ensure that one parent isn't assuming all the responsibility and work, while the other gets to have fun times and opt out of any of the work of childrearing.

OP has made it clear what her stance is on being asked to help out with the BF & ex's unusual work patterns - "If he's also at work, then I've insisted she finds someone else. I've got two kids of my own to sort out. I also have said that on his weekends when he has them, he is here with them and not playing football. Or they don't come." Both the BF & his ex are taking advantage of having unpaid and unappreciated childcare on tap and OP has put her foot down and said "that's not my job" which she is totally entitled to do.

For those of you not in a step-situation, perhaps it would help to imagine you have asked a friend to look after your DCs for you while you go out. Friend has said sorry she can't she's working, ordinarily she's be delighted to help, as she loves your DCs, but she's not there, so you decide to leave your DCs on the doorstep for your friend's husband to look after. After all, he lives with her, so he should also be happy to have your DCs right?

"For those of you not in a step-situation, perhaps it would help to imagine you have asked a friend to look after your DCs for you while you go out. Friend has said sorry she can't she's working, ordinarily she's be delighted to help, as she loves your DCs, but she's not there, so you decide to leave your DCs on the doorstep for your friend's husband to look after. After all, he lives with her, so he should also be happy to have your DCs right?"

Thank god someone gets it! He's working this weekend, so is she. Well she was, but she probably won't.

They're not coming here!

Its not like that at all.

Your not in a relationship with your friend.
When your incolved with some with children you take on a relationship with their children. Essp if you live together.

FFS you still don't get it. What hideous selfish people you are.

Run for the hills. He doesn't want you as a girlfriend, he wants you for a free babysitter. Oh, and he's clearly the sort of shit who doesn't want to spend any time with his children.

You need to take care of yourself, and your kids, and not get involved with losers.

So your children have to accept a new step parent ( for want of a better term) but his kids not.

You are close enough to live with him and not for childcare.

I don't think you should be the default but both parents can't have a weekend job and expect you to have them every weekend.

I am not sure though if this is every weekend or an odd one that clashes.

I do think the kids in the whole situation all of them seem to come low on the list.

YANBU! It's completely reasonable for you to help on occasion but not to be his default childcare option.

You're either being wilfully ignorant or you're hopelessly stupid. Either way, this is just sad. I'm out.