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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say BF should be here when his ex wants his DC looked after

349 replies

SooSmith · 11/05/2017 08:45

I'm in a new relationship that started just after Christmas. Boyfriend moved here in March.

I want him to keep in contact with his kids, but I aibu to say that if his children are here, then he should be here as well.

His ex works three evenings a week, my BF works nights some weeks. She wants us to have them when she is at work, which is fine when he is home. If he's also at work, then I've insisted she finds someone else. I've got two kids of my own to sort out.

I also have said that on his weekends when he has them, he is here with them and not playing football. Or they don't come.

Things came to a head on Monday when I had taken my kids out, and boyfriend sent me a text asking me to go home as her childcare had fallen through. I told him to leave work and go home himself. When I returned an hour later I found her waiting outside for me. When she started getting the kids out of the car with their stuff, I went in and shut the door, and said if she drove off without them I'd call SS.

AIBU to insist I am not an unpaid childcarer when his ex goes to work?

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 14/05/2017 17:17

'As he is the higher earner, if childcare can't be found, common sense dictates she stays home.'

Nah, it doesn't work that way. That may be the arrangement they had when they were together but he needs to do his share now. She doesn't have to be his default childcare anymore, doing all the grunt work whilst he carries on uninterrupted by petty little matters like his kids. She is entitled to focus on her career too and expect him to do his bit, in fact it is sensible that she does since you gloat that if she loses money he won't have to compensate her in any way.

JanetBrown2015 · 14/05/2017 18:11

Absolutely right. No way wouild I ever be taking on a boy friend's children. I have my own and I work full time. He needs to hire a nanny or au pair or sort something else out not lumber someone else just because she's female. If a stand is not taking now she will end up being an unpaid nanny and taken for granted by the boyfriend and the ex wife.

RebelRogue · 14/05/2017 18:15

Janet that's fine as long as you don't expect him to ever look after your children,make them dinner or laundry,drive them to activities and whatever else might be needed.

Also don't expect to be a blended family if it's my kids and his kids.

wonderingsoul · 14/05/2017 18:21

Whe you move in with some one esp when children are invloved you do so with the thinking its for the long run imo so that means looking after hes children when he is at work and him kookimg after yours when you need him and treating all the childten the same.. there shouldnt be they are step children and then my children. It should be just chuldren that are in this family.

So tlybvu imo esp to slam the door in their faces... thouse poor children.

You shoudnt have moved him in so quickly. Did you even talk about the children?

JanetBrown2015 · 14/05/2017 18:34

Rebel it is the feminism issue though isn't it? I woudl not tolerate for a day a sexist relationship where women mind children and men's careers come first (not surprisingly I earned 10x my other half as we had an equal feminist marriage and he did as much childcare/cleainng etc as I did if not more).

If you do not start these things as you mean to go on then it's never going to work. There is nothing to stop the new boyfriend hiring someone to mind his chidlren just like I have had to do - yes it's very expensive and you often can work at a loss but that's the price you pay to have your children cared for unless you can find a muggins martyr woman who is walked all over and lumbered with it all.

FlossyMooToo · 14/05/2017 18:39

Rebel it is the feminism issue though isn't it? I woudl not tolerate for a day a sexist relationship where women mind children and men's careers come first

Exactly so why should the ex have to do the bulk of the childcare when she also works?

Shakirasma · 14/05/2017 19:02

Do any of the adults in this sorry scenario actually give a flying fuck about the children and their emotional wellbeing? Angry

Original poster
SooSmith · 14/05/2017 20:49

He does not have the kind of job that allows him to just "change" his hours. She knows that and so do I. The difference is that the buck doesn't stop with me, it stops with her.

OP posts:
kali110 · 14/05/2017 20:53

It just gets worse.
Poor kids.

PookieDo · 14/05/2017 20:55

WHO HELPED BEFORE YOU MET HIM

OfficerVanHalen · 14/05/2017 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/05/2017 21:07

OP - The difference is that the buck doesn't stop with me, it stops with her. - but why, they aren't a couple anymore?! Why does the buck stop with her, not him? It sounds like they haven't sorted out "Dad's days, Mums days" yet - on his days, the buck wouldn't stop with her, but him.

If he's a higher earner, when they were a couple then it would make sense for her to sacifice her career for his, but they aren't a couple anymore, so it doesn't make sense anymore.

Clearly, this is the sort of thing that with time they can sort out - who's days are who's, he can sort responsibility for his, she can for hers, one or the other may have to change jobs if childcare can't be found for their days. However, because you have started a relationship with him before this awkard stage of "how will we manage the children living between 2 houses", you are being dragged into this by them both.

You have to make a choice, if you want to live with him, then you have to accept on 'his days' he and his children come as a package and you will have to shift your thinking to that of a blended family - or you suggest he finds his own house, you just 'date' until he, his exW and the children get into a settled, organised routine, and then start looking at blending your 2 families.

Are you afraid that if you tell him he cant live with you for now that he'll end your relationship? He won't if he loves you.

PookieDo · 14/05/2017 21:09

I honestly do not believe that in the last 6 months they have suddenly developed a childcare issue and you are the only solution.

And why is his job more important than hers? Because he helps pay YOUR bills?

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 14/05/2017 21:10

This whole thing sounds like a mess and no one comes out of it smelling of roses.

Maybe your boyfriend should move out and you can take it slowly, it will benefit all of you especially the kids.

OfficerVanHalen · 14/05/2017 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrudgeJedd · 14/05/2017 21:13

My kids are quite happy with him being here, they love him

Give it up people, the op is delusional.

CocoaLeaves · 14/05/2017 21:15

This is ridiculous- the parents have not even sorted out a contact plan by the sounds of it. Have they been to mediation or seen lawyers?

The separation is not even sorted, and this guy has moved in with you because you have fancied him for ages. Could you not wait till things had settled down? So many raw emotions.

The children's dad needs to sort a contact plan which is clear to everyone. Most single parents need to sort childcare, so he needs to do that too. He seems to have landed on his feet, bed and board with a long term admirer, but he has hardly paused to process what has gone on in the last six months, much less sort things for his DC.

And if you have known him so long, surely you knew he had kids?

Sunshinesuperman · 14/05/2017 21:36

If this in any way an accurate account of a real situation I feel very sorry for both sets of kids who are being completely let down by the adults who be looking after them. This seems very unlikely to end well and a real of maturity is being shown.

Sunshinesuperman · 14/05/2017 21:38

Ahh, missing the words, adults who should and a real lack of maturity. Sorry.

kali110 · 14/05/2017 22:18

My kids are quite happy with him being here, they love him
Yep, ofcourse they are.
It's just his kids that have been abandoned and have the door shoved in their faces.

GabsAlot · 14/05/2017 22:36

who looke after them previously when he lived with them-or is their dm's job new

no its not your job to automatically have to take care of them esp a u werent expecting to-but hee is their father an he shouldnt have let it get like this

anon1987 · 14/05/2017 23:03

Blimey op!
You been together 5 seconds!!
What irresponsible parent would let the very new women take responsibility of her children.

You need to make it damn clear that they are not your problem.

StewieGMum · 14/05/2017 23:11

pinkyredrose They live together. That makes her their stepmother. If she didn't want to take on that role, she shouldn't have allowed him to move in. Equally, he is now stepfather to her children. All of the children have lost out here - the children whose father can't be arsed to parent them, the children whose stepmother slams doors in their face and threatens social services, and the children who had a man go from dating their mother to stepfather in less than two months.

Oswin · 14/05/2017 23:23

So these poor kids have to go to school with your kids, who now have there daddy full time.
You pair of selfish fuckers.

WatchingFromTheWings · 15/05/2017 01:23

Completely agree with @stitchglitched. They are both equally responsible for the kids, even down to taking time off when child care falls through. He may be the higher earner but she's as entitled to her career as he is. Maybe they should take it in turns to take time off when things fall through.