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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's more Is she being unreasonable?

247 replies

TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 08:13

So we are getting a blended family. I have 4 DS and he has 3 DDS. Their Mother has been more than a little difficult about things since the split.
It took her a while to allow me to meet their DDS. Which I quite understood, as I've been through it and know how hard it feels.
I've met them now and she's mentioned to DP that DDS say they have fun here with my DS.
Currently they have their overnights at DPs parents house but as he's been staying here mostly and will be moving in we've talked to the kids about them staying here and all are completely excited about the idea.
I have a 4 bed house. My DS are 10, 9, 8 and 7. Their DDS are 8, 3 and 2. My ds10 has his own room. My DS9 also has his own room. The younger 2 share. The plan was to out a triple bunk in with my youngest DS for the DDS to share.
She's stipulated that unless they have their own room they aren't allowed to stay here.
Is this unreasonable?
I wouldn't expect the DDS to share with any of my DS once the oldest is 10, so in a couple of years we would address the sleeping arrangements but for now it seemed like the most accommodating solution without disrupting my DS too much.

There isn't any space in my 9 year olds room for any extra sleeper, and my 10 year old wouldn't be happy about sharing on a regular basis.
The DDS have overnights 4 nights a month.

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 11/05/2017 10:21

Yes, life should revolve around your children. Their mental and physical wellbeing is your responsibility. You chose to have 4 kids - you prioritise them. You're not.

PookieDo · 11/05/2017 10:22

I'm not actually surprised she won't let him have them more, he doesn't sound very responsible. And you tying yourself into knots taking on 3 more kids and a potentially hapless man could go very wrong for you.
People have asked repeatedly why he hasn't got himself somewhere to live in the past year. This is probably relatable to her reluctance to send them out with him more. Because it all sounds quite sad

user1493022461 · 11/05/2017 10:22

You can't call me a bad parent when you actually have zero idea about the rest of my life. You only know of this situation. You're basing my entire parenting on this one thing

Don't you get that its a big enough thing to be able to say so much? You're putting your man before your kids, and so is he. Thats all people need to know.
Don't kid yourself that everyone you know in RL isn't thinking the same thing.

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 10:23

No it shouldn't! Not at all. Children's welfare is important as part of their physical and mental health and emotional needs.
We are doing our best to meet those in a difficult situation.

OP posts:
2014newme · 11/05/2017 10:23

A severe caseof premature cohabitation

JigglyTuff · 11/05/2017 10:24

It's a difficult situation of your own making. Don't let him move in - get him to find his own place.

AliceTown · 11/05/2017 10:24

I disagree that life should revolve around children. In order to make a happy family, everyone's needs have to be seriously considered. You can have an arrangement that works for the kids but the parents are miserable. That goes for any type of family. Blended families are more delicate but then it's even more important that everyone's needs are considered.

Eight months is too soon, IMO. The novelty hasn't worn off just for your relationship, OP, let alone the blended part. I think you can make the bedroom arrangements work with ideas that have been suggested here and it's good that you've taken on board that the girls need their own room. I wouldn't move anyone in until you've tried some sleepovers and I wouldn't be planning to commit to a permanent move until you've been together for 18months or so.

Orangetoffee · 11/05/2017 10:24

Their mum is the only reasonable one here, she is putting the girls welfare first.

Children need to lear howto adjust, yes they do but not this much in just a year, ffs

Only1scoop · 11/05/2017 10:24

'you actually have zero idea about the rest of my life.'
Responses are based on the information you give.
8 months for all this sounds silly. Like you are just desperate to B togevva Confused

PookieDo · 11/05/2017 10:24

You have already made it sound like he wants to leave his mummy and daddies house, so your house is the most viable option, despite it not being practical.

Mothervulva · 11/05/2017 10:24

Doesn't have to be a difficult situation.
He finds his own place where the children can stay.
In due course he can move in. There's no rush.

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 10:25

He hasn't because, he got into financial stick after the break up because she emptied their joint account with reckless spending and left him to pick up the pieces on top of other debts. So to clear those debts he had to move in with his parents. I think that's fairly common I've heard of it with 3 other friends.

OP posts:
livefornaps · 11/05/2017 10:25

Look back at @pookiedo's post about her relationship - especially the part about her respecting the fact that her boyfriend's children need time to re-bond with him following their parents' split. It sounds like she really has the right idea. She is very happy in her relationship and in an ideal world she would love to live with him but she understands that he is parent to a bunch of little people who didn't ask for any of this & that their needs have to come first. What you are suggesting is a big big blend of families that should not be rushed!!! If you are that happy together then you don't need to rush anyway

MadMags · 11/05/2017 10:26

YOU created the difficult situation, ffs!

Mothervulva · 11/05/2017 10:26

If I thought my partner was going to leave me with three kids, I'd empty the bloody bank account too.

AliceTown · 11/05/2017 10:26

And always bear in mind that on MN, stepmums often get a hard time (yes, yes I know, she's "dad's girlfriend, not a stepmum") and blended family issues are rarely properly understood. You might be better off asking on the stepparenting board but even then there's people waiting to pounce.

PookieDo · 11/05/2017 10:27

Yes my boyfriend had to do the same thing with debts.

He went to his parents.

Then he got his own place

Then one day we might move in together.

I honestly do believe in the re-bonding alone with daddy, alone... I think to miss that step out says more about him than it does you

CardinalCat · 11/05/2017 10:27

So the 'crazy' ex broke up with your DP 12 months ago and 4 months later you appear on the scene, and roll forward another 8 months and you are proposing this wholly inappropriate (and selfish- because it IS selfish) arrangement.

Not only do I think the ex is NBU, I think and you are DP and BVVVU. I feel so sorry for that woman. I would be in a blind panic if I were in her shoes and pulling out every stop legally that I could to ensure that my children were not subjected to this batshit crazy scenario. You are in the embryonic stages of a relationship. You should be protecting the children on each side rather than flinging them together with little regard for their wellbeing.

MadMags · 11/05/2017 10:27

OP here's a parenting tip for you:

Shacking up with a man and forcing all of your dc to squeeze into rooms together isn't the same as your kid having a tantrum. HTH.

user1493022461 · 11/05/2017 10:28

hildren's welfare is important as part of their physical and mental health and emotional needs. We are doing our best to meet those in a difficult situation

No you're not, because moving them in creates a difficult situation, it doesn't solve one.

This is about you wanting to be all loved up.

annielouise · 11/05/2017 10:30

The difficult situation is of your and your boyfriend's making.

You've been with him 8 months and were trying for a baby 2 months ago so after 6 months! Why?! You barely know this bloke and you're bringing him into your home with 4 young boys, 2 of whom have SEN. Don't be surprised if your kids detest you in adulthood for not putting them first with this arrangement. I know I would my mother as it's selfish. You've had kids you put them first, especially as they've lost their father living with them so not had the best start.

There is no solution to the bedroom situation. Putting 3 girls in with 2 boys is crap. Making kids share with other kids they barely know is crap. Even if they did know them that's their space. I'd hate it. You've already brought one stranger into their home.

Solution: get a caravan and park it on the driveway. Then you can ship the older boys out and fill the rest of the house with more unfortunate babies.

Only1scoop · 11/05/2017 10:31

Trying for another one nooooooo surely notShock
Where do you propose to pop that one to sleep

2014newme · 11/05/2017 10:33

Oh god you can't accommodate the many kids you already have please don't make more. If your boyfriend has financial issues even more of a reason not to add to the brood.

I do feel sorry for the kids they have had an enormous amount of change in a short space of time.

MaterEstIratus · 11/05/2017 10:35

I appreciate he has autism but he will have to learn to compromise at some point- assuming he is high functioning.

FFS - High functioningness doesn't negate the issues of ASD. It just means the kid hides it better. Requiring an autistic child to compromise over his own space will just add a whole new level of problem. Believe me -no one wants to live with an autistic child who has had his routine/safe space taken away. 5kids in a room is way preferable to that!

Crispbutty · 11/05/2017 10:37

" This is trying to make life work for everyone because LIFE DOESNT REVOLVE AROUND CHILDREN. WE all need to fit together,"

No, this is coming across as desperate to have a bloke living with you. And making it work for YOU.

When your children are depending on you, which as yours are so young they are, you put their needs before yours.

Looking back on your posts, a year ago you were all over the dating threads, wondering how to ask out the electrician, then the supermarket delivery man. Not to mention having only just ended a relationship with another bloke who had been living with you. Get a bloody grip and get your priorities right.

If you are going to post every little detail of your life on here don't be surprised when people make judgment.