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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's more Is she being unreasonable?

247 replies

TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 08:13

So we are getting a blended family. I have 4 DS and he has 3 DDS. Their Mother has been more than a little difficult about things since the split.
It took her a while to allow me to meet their DDS. Which I quite understood, as I've been through it and know how hard it feels.
I've met them now and she's mentioned to DP that DDS say they have fun here with my DS.
Currently they have their overnights at DPs parents house but as he's been staying here mostly and will be moving in we've talked to the kids about them staying here and all are completely excited about the idea.
I have a 4 bed house. My DS are 10, 9, 8 and 7. Their DDS are 8, 3 and 2. My ds10 has his own room. My DS9 also has his own room. The younger 2 share. The plan was to out a triple bunk in with my youngest DS for the DDS to share.
She's stipulated that unless they have their own room they aren't allowed to stay here.
Is this unreasonable?
I wouldn't expect the DDS to share with any of my DS once the oldest is 10, so in a couple of years we would address the sleeping arrangements but for now it seemed like the most accommodating solution without disrupting my DS too much.

There isn't any space in my 9 year olds room for any extra sleeper, and my 10 year old wouldn't be happy about sharing on a regular basis.
The DDS have overnights 4 nights a month.

OP posts:
PookieDo · 11/05/2017 10:37

I can see you love him and want this to work but he is possibly being a very lazy father.

Without jumping to defend him, is there anything he could do better to facilitate a better relationship with his ex and address all the issues between them relating to money/contact? Is he honestly not helping himself by living with his parents and you, and not standing on his own 2 feet being a responsible parent? He had THREE kids with her so it can't have been such a terrible relationship at one point and there is likely fault on both sides. I've had to open my eyes to my DP not always helping himself and it isn't nice but it is essential.

Don't move in with him if he has any financial problems

lizzyj4 · 11/05/2017 10:38

Given how tight the children's bedrooms are I think PPs idea of you and DP vacating your room for a sofa bed in the living room or wherever is the most workable. (Or giving up your dining room, if you have one, as PP also suggested.) It would mean you don't need to disrupt any of the children.

Original poster
TrafficJunkie · 11/05/2017 10:38

Haha yes. I was looking to get laid not have them all move in.
That's entirely different and my children would have been none the wiser.
That's got nothing to do with anything regarding my parenting. I don't see how it's relevant.

OP posts:
BaggyCheeks · 11/05/2017 10:38

It's a difficult situation that is 1) entirely of your own creation and 2) entirely optional.
It is entirely normal to put the needs of your children before your own wants - it doesn't create entitled behaviour, it creates secure, stable relationships in children.

PookieDo · 11/05/2017 10:39

I actually think he's the bad parent and you seem to feel sorry for him and it's not helping him

user1493022461 · 11/05/2017 10:40

Clearly you don't see how its relevant. Doesn't mean it isnt though.

You don't seem able to see much of anything though.

2014newme · 11/05/2017 10:40

What did happen with the other man you moved in with op?

Crispbutty · 11/05/2017 10:41

"Haha yes. I was looking to get laid not have them all move in.
That's entirely different and my children would have been none the wiser.
That's got nothing to do with anything regarding my parenting. I don't see how it's relevant."

Not relevant? It speaks volumes about your priorities. Hmm

2014newme · 11/05/2017 10:42

You know when you wish there was a much lower threshold for ss involvement?

HmmOkay · 11/05/2017 10:43

Why doesn't he clear his debts and then rent a house nearby?

You'll still see him loads if he only has his kids 4 days per month.

That way you are both putting the children first but still have time to see each other.

He could throw himself into his career in order to save up and buy a big house that you can all live in.

But it would take a responsible, sensible, proactive adult to do that.

AliceTown · 11/05/2017 10:44

Wtf has having one night stands got to do with parenting as long as the children are unaware?!

2014newme · 11/05/2017 10:45

Exactly and being sensibl isn't drama llama enough.

MinorRSole · 11/05/2017 10:46

I appreciate he has autism but he will have to learn to compromise at some point- assuming he is high functioning.

FFS - High functioningness doesn't negate the issues of ASD. It just means the kid hides it better. Requiring an autistic child to compromise over his own space will just add a whole new level of problem. Believe me -no one wants to live with an autistic child who has had his routine/safe space taken away. 5kids in a room is way preferable to that!

That really depends on the child though. Some children with autism will be able to share and some won't. Assuming they can't because they are on the spectrum is no more helpful than assuming they will be a genius or that they will lack sympathy or affection.

And yes, children with autism do need to learn to compromise. All children do, it's an essential life skill.

user1493022461 · 11/05/2017 10:47

How are you going to pay for 7 children when he earns less than your average teenager and you'll lose all your benefits when he moves in?
How are you putting your children first financially?

MinorRSole · 11/05/2017 10:48

The top half of that post is a quote, I've done it wrong Blush

FizzyGreenWater · 11/05/2017 10:50

Yep life does actually kind of revolve around kids.

When you have seven kids, mostly of primary age, some with SN, all trying to negotiate how their little lives are changing as a result of breakups and the sudden appearance of 'new siblings', you can be damn sure that if you don't want problems years down the line then fuck me yes it shoudl revolve around the kids.

Eight months? Yes you are putting yourselves first, big time. This needs to wait - and it CAN wait, you'd just rather do it now because it suits you - for at least a year.

stitchglitched · 11/05/2017 10:52

I have a child with autism. Yes my son can learn to compromise- when it comes to things like sharing, turn taking etc. Moving in a random bloke and 7 kids in a house would be too much for him to even begin to cope with.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/05/2017 10:55

I think you should perhaps look Into getting some boundaries. I think you should consider taking the relationship slower. Your boyfriend is living with his parents right now. And that's fine for the time being. Let the relationship develop and see if you definitely want to move in together. It sounds as if you rushed with your last one and moved him in. This isn't helpful for any of the children and they should come first.

When and if the time comes, you moving downstairs and dividing the master bedroom sounds like a good plan.

PookieDo · 11/05/2017 10:57

Oh my Jesus Christ I wish I had never read the post on finances now.

You will lose all your income support and he earns less than £10k a year, pays his parents no rent and you will all struggle financially.... he sounds more and more absolutely a disasterous risk to put into your family finances.

this man has nothing worthwhile to offer your family at present. Now I know why he hasn't moved out of his free accommodation because instead of getting a job to pay his ex maintenance, save up, move out etc, he's earning pittance in his own business (doing something he enjoys no doubt) and you all are going to live on a very reduced budget? WHY aren't you giving this more time so he can bring something to your new family home?

Orangetoffee · 11/05/2017 11:02

Oh come on OP, the room share idea is madness but moving him in will be a financial disaster. Protect your children and don't let him move in before his financial situation is resolved.

MinorRSole · 11/05/2017 11:04

Oh stitchglitched I absolutely agree with you but it isn't ideal for neurotypical kids either!

Honestly op, I've been married for 6 years now and it's still tough juggling my dh and eldest dc. Room issues aside, is your partner really ready for the challenges of a teenager with autism because it's hard work

HmmOkay · 11/05/2017 11:09

This man will be a burden to you, not a supportive partner.

He is a grown man who cannot actually support himself, far less his own children, far less you and your children.

At the moment you are trying to fix things for him so that he can continue to absolve himself of his responsibilities.

If you love him, the most loving thing you could do is tell him that it is his responsibility to sort his own life out. And then step back.

JigglyTuff · 11/05/2017 11:11

My son can't even stand being on holiday with other kids unless he knows them really, really well, much less cope with them in his house

fruitbrewhaha · 11/05/2017 11:11

I've just read your previous thread regarding your X.

I really think you should give yourself and your children more time before you go head first into another relationship. Just put the brakes on with moving in.
You can still have your boyfriend around. You can do nice things as a family with your boys and normal hanging around gardening etc. Plus he can bring his girls to see you for lunch or meet up somewhere for you all to hang out together. But save moving in for another year or two.

I understand why you want to live together, especially after a crap relationship with the boy's father. They were witness to his EA.
A year is not long to heal, I think your boys will thank you for it.

Crispbutty · 11/05/2017 11:15

Unless I read it wrong, that last relationship wasn't the father either. Confused