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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmum is getting upset about dds hair

284 replies

mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 20:53

We are a blended family. I have 2 DDs and 1 son. My husband has twin DDs and 2 sons. One of my DDs is the same age as the twins. We have a shared custody agreement with his kids where he has them for one month, their mum has them for the next. I get on well with their mum in general, she's a nice lady. However, yesterday the twins and my DD had a party to go to with a friend of theirs from school (all children attend same school) and I took all three girls because she was busy. Whilst getting my DD ready for the party, I did her hair in space buns with glitter in. Her twins saw what I was doing and asked for the same thing, I did it on them and had a nice time doing it with different colours of glitter and everything. Today I received this message: Hi mamasita11, I'd be very grateful if you didn't do the DDs hair again as I don't like the hairstyle and think it's too old for them. Please let DH do their hair from now on as they're our children and I'd rather their parent did their hair than you.

Is it just me who thinks that's really off or should I just nod my head and agree?

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 11/05/2017 02:04

So the girls are supposed to wait around for their dad to do their hair now? What if he's not available - are the kids supposed to go out without unbrushed hair? Poor children.

I wouldn't want my kids' hair in those bun things either, but I'd hope I'd convey that idea to a (hypothetical) step parent much nicer than the twins' mother did. The first part of her text is fine, but the latter part is most definitely not.

user1491572121 · 11/05/2017 02:36

She thinks it looks common OP. That's all there is to it.

patheticpanic · 11/05/2017 03:18

I'd be furious if my DC came home like that on a school night, it's not appropriate. Don't get into a row with her, there won't be any winners - least of all the children - and it's not worth the long term hassle that it will cause.

A month with you and then a month with their mother?! Hmm

user1491572121 · 11/05/2017 03:26

"furious" really? God. I think you need to relax a bit! It's not to my taste but it won't harm as a one off. I certainly wouldn't be furious.

user1493022461 · 11/05/2017 03:49

maybe its the fact that you seem confused and call her their stepmum, instead of their mother. Very freudian. She thinks you are acting far too parental with her children.....

ByronBaby · 11/05/2017 06:36

Stupid? Jealous? Using the OP for childcare? Really? This thread has really got my goat as I am struggling with my children spending time with the OW who is now playing happy families with my twins. I do not want her anywhere near my children if I had any choice, never mind doing their hair or making their lunch or any other of the things I miss out on whilst they are round at the house of that unfaithful dickend! I am certainly not wanting her to provide me with childcare. Now, my situation is quite new and raw, but if the step mum is feeling one fraction of what I am feeling, surely her reaction is a little bit understandable. They are her children and sometimes it is hard to accept someone else doing mum like things with your kids.

isthisacceptable200 · 11/05/2017 06:47

maybe its the fact that you seem confused and call her their stepmum, instead of their mother.

^ this

When you said stepmum, I was thinking you meant your ex's new wife or partner in relation to your dd. How is your stepdaughters' Mum the stepmum in this scenario? Surely that's you?

She is their Mum and does not figure as a stepmum in any scenario connected to your family. You are the stepmum. They are her daughters.

FlossyMooToo · 11/05/2017 06:59

I think some posters are being very harsh on the mum.
OP you sound lovely and you did nothing wrong but I understand where the mum is coming from.
That was me a few years ago. Blush

I honestly cannot explain why but the thought of another women doing more than a basic ponytail in my girls hair made me feel wretched. It wasnt jealousy or stupidity but it was irrational. Doing fun hair styles with my DDs was special, something that was just a mother daughter thing. I didnt like my sister or my mum doing their hair either.
The mum has reacted a lot better than I did. I went loopy at the ex as when we split we discussed what things we did not want new partners doing with our DC and the hair thing was one of mine.

Obviously how you handle this is up to you but maybe just put yourself in her shoes. You said she is a nice lady so its not like shes being a bitch for the sake of it.
When your children spend a lot of time with another mother figure you have to accept it but at the same time you try and keep hold of little aspects of your mother child relationship to try and retain some just mum only stuff. As i said it is irrational but at the same time understandable.

shyturnip · 11/05/2017 07:12

Sounds like she sent an arsey message in the heat of the moment. If she's usually nice then I'd let it go as a one off.

haveacupoftea · 11/05/2017 07:19

Hopefully when she has cooled down a bit today you'll get a reply back apologising for the part banning you from doing the girls hair - that was U and I'd be hurt. Sounds like she was having a bad day though.

Umpteenthnamechange · 11/05/2017 07:33

She is NOT their step mum. Your title is untrue. She is their MOTHER

FlossyMooToo · 11/05/2017 07:51

I assumed the OP just mixed up the title.
Have I missed something? Does the OP call the mum stepmum or is this a reverse? Confused

SheSaidHeSaid · 11/05/2017 09:05

Byronbaby Flowers for you as it must be really hard.

foursthescore · 11/05/2017 09:31

That's ridiculous!! Dh is awful at hair so if I didn't do dsds hair then she'd walk around looking like a fright! Sounds like jealousy.

user1493022461 · 11/05/2017 09:36

Its not jealousy. And its not about brushing their hair. It's about putting them in very silly styles and coating them in nastyass coloured glitter. She doesn't want you making her children look like that, and who would?

SoupDragon · 11/05/2017 09:40

She doesn't want you making her children look like that, and who would?

People who don't see the harm in a particular hairstyle and glitter and are perhaps less judgemental than others?

DD puts her own hair in "space buns" and she's 11. No glitter mind you.

user1493022461 · 11/05/2017 09:45

Then they can put that crap in their own kids hair, not someone elses.

DistanceCall · 11/05/2017 09:52

But he [the father] was not the one getting the glitter out of the hair was he?

Asking the OP not to put glitter on her daughers' heads because it's a pain in the arse to remove is completely understandable and reasonable.

What isn't reasonable is telling the OP not to do her daughters' hair, because that's something for parents only to do. Or saying that buns are too old for her children. Presumably the father DOES have a say there.

reallyanotherone · 11/05/2017 10:01

Your DH should take them both and get them a pixie crop.

When she explodes, just explain that as you weren't allowed to do their hair any more, Dh decided the easiest way for him to be dealing with it was to get it cut :)

But I don't get all the hair angst with children. It's fecking hair. Cuts can be grown, glitter can be washed out, it's never permanent. Both of mine have always had short hair, and I've never had to "do" it. We have done clips and glitter for special occasions though....

NoMoreBones · 11/05/2017 10:10

I think you sound like a lovely step mum but I would just text back, ok sorry x. Then carry on as you were before during your month and send them home with a simple glitter free style.

youarenotkiddingme · 11/05/2017 10:39

The message is twatty but so often messages come across seemingly worse than intended.

It's best to just clarify and put all in their mums court.

"I'm sorry you didn't like the twins hairstyle, I did DD that way and they asked for the same. Can you clarify that you don't want me to do the girls hair ever again even during the month long contact or if it's just you'd prefer it for parties so they don't have the novelty hairstyles my ds prefers?"

You can always reply at a later date if she creates a big issue over this that you're sure the girls will all be happy meeting at any parties they all attend in future because due to DH working hours he won't be there to do their hair.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 11/05/2017 10:50

Nothing helpful to add, except to say that I bet she'll be none too pleased when the twins get back after a month of Dad doing their hair 😈
My DH would have wet shaved their heads by that point!

Kokusai · 11/05/2017 11:00

A message saying "please don't put glitter in on a school night because it's such a pain to remove! Thanks lovely" is ok. One saying "don't ever do their hair" is petty.

MyheartbelongstoG · 11/05/2017 12:05

My ex husbands first wife used to bin anything I bought for her daughter. Clothes, shoes, hair clips, the lot.

You sound lovely op and the girls are lucky to have you.

TheRealPooTroll · 11/05/2017 12:13

I think it's a bit sad that mums don't want stepmums doing things like hair. In this scenario would you really rather your child was told 'I can't do your hair like my dd's because your mum has said your dad has to do it' and have your child feeling disappointed and left out? I get that it must be hard letting a step parent do things but petty rules like this are only going to end up upsetting your own child.