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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmum is getting upset about dds hair

284 replies

mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 20:53

We are a blended family. I have 2 DDs and 1 son. My husband has twin DDs and 2 sons. One of my DDs is the same age as the twins. We have a shared custody agreement with his kids where he has them for one month, their mum has them for the next. I get on well with their mum in general, she's a nice lady. However, yesterday the twins and my DD had a party to go to with a friend of theirs from school (all children attend same school) and I took all three girls because she was busy. Whilst getting my DD ready for the party, I did her hair in space buns with glitter in. Her twins saw what I was doing and asked for the same thing, I did it on them and had a nice time doing it with different colours of glitter and everything. Today I received this message: Hi mamasita11, I'd be very grateful if you didn't do the DDs hair again as I don't like the hairstyle and think it's too old for them. Please let DH do their hair from now on as they're our children and I'd rather their parent did their hair than you.

Is it just me who thinks that's really off or should I just nod my head and agree?

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 10/05/2017 21:08

I think you need to acknowledge her right to not like that style but also assert your right to parent the children you have responsibility for.

So

hi mother of twins

I'm sorry you are upset by the hair style. It's not an everyday thing, it was for the party and I was doing it for my own dd when your girls saw it and asked to join in. As I'm sure you can appreciate, I take the well being and happiness of all the kids very seriously and it would have felt wrong to deny your girls something pretty simple that my own dd had. Duly noted though and buns are out for the future.
However I will still be doing the kids hair as and when it's needed because it's just not workable for only dh to do it and I don't want to make differences between the kids. I'm sure you will agree the best thing for all of them is to be treated as equals in our home with the same love and care for all.

Cloudyapples · 10/05/2017 21:08

Did she have them in the evening op? Could it be that she's actually just annoyed about the glitter? It can be a real pain to wash out!

AngelicaSchuylerChurch · 10/05/2017 21:08

What's a space bun?

RandomMess · 10/05/2017 21:09

It is really off, I wouldn't respond, if something like that arises just check with your DP how they are allowed to have their hair so you have his permission as their parent!

Doowappydoo · 10/05/2017 21:09

That's rude of her. I'd reply and say I did it because I did my own DDs hair in that style and they asked if I could do theirs as well. Would you want me to say no or ask your Dad in future? Assume you're still happy for me to do party drops offs though.

Lottie991 · 10/05/2017 21:10

Wow! Yanbu she sounds really jealous!

Moussemoose · 10/05/2017 21:11

She thinks the hair style is too old for them. I think she has a point.

You could show a little respect for her feelings. Her text wasn't rude she just explained how she felt.
Or you could follow some of the hysterical advice, be a bitch and help cause a row. A row that will have ramifications for years.

Cheby · 10/05/2017 21:11

tell her to sod off. Does she really want her children to be upset? Because I bet if their step sister had a fancy hairdo and you had to tell them their mum said they weren't allowed one, then they would be pretty upset.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 10/05/2017 21:11

'Im a bit surprised by your text. I willingly and happily did all the childcare yesterday. It was a fun day and the girls were creative with the sparkles and colours.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 10/05/2017 21:12

How weird! And clearly just a silly excuse, space buns are imo a cute but extremely childish/silly hairstyle...

However, I do think that this is something between her and her DH. I think you either have to be the bigger person or let him handle this. Or else your good/amicable relationship may be ruined... Which would be a shame, over something as silly as buns!

wherethewildthingis · 10/05/2017 21:12

I know this isn't the point of your thread, but these children are five, and are alternating between spending a month at a time with each parent? That can't possibly be argued to be in their best interests. How can they settle into any kind of routine, consistent boundaries? That arrangement is all about what works for the adults, not the children, IMO

ginswinger · 10/05/2017 21:13

Just say nothing.
I've been the child in the middle of this kind of thing and it's the kids that suffer when petty nonsense sets off parents bickering. Ignore and do nothing please. No good will come of it.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 10/05/2017 21:13

I mean, she was being polite! I do think she is being very unreasonable but they are her children and you aren't their mother...

So, I think you can either agree or let your DH handle this.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 10/05/2017 21:13

wherethewildthingis

I must admit, I was also very confused. But they may have a good reason for this?

LockedOutOfMN · 10/05/2017 21:14

The first sentence of her message is reasonable. The second part is not.

If someone is looking after your child and the child is going to a party it is reasonable to expect that the person will comb/brush your child's hair especially if the child asks them too.

Follow her wishes in future, though, it would make life easier.

Crumbs1 · 10/05/2017 21:16

I think they look a bit teenager going to festival and are too old for the little ones - a bit trampy even.i can see why she'd be upset.
That said they are equally the fathers children and if you have them for a month how you manage them is up to you and their father.

KatieB25 · 10/05/2017 21:16

If the issue is just glitter on a school night how hard would it have been to just say that??

The parts at the end were just nasty. My situation is much the same and one minute I'm expected to act like a parent and the next minute everything and anything I do is wrong.

I completely understand it's hard to see another woman doing 'motherly' things with your child but you have to put the children first and clearly the girls loved having their hair done like that!

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 10/05/2017 21:17

Nothing wrong with the hairstyle. I'd be annoyed about the glitter though as I imagine it's a git to wash out.

As an aside, let them go home with your DP having done their hair. It will probably be a matted, notted mess because he won't domit or even think to brush it. She'll complain then.

My DD has long hair. DH would never brush it if I didn't point it out and still can't figure out that if her hair doesn't get brushed at bedtime, it will be really bad in the morning.

KarmaNoMore · 10/05/2017 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SquidgeyMidgey · 10/05/2017 21:17

Be the bigger person and reply along the lines of sorry for getting her back up, not the intention, just a bit of fun, won't do it again. She has issues with something here, dont make it worse for the childrens' sake.

KatieB25 · 10/05/2017 21:18

Northernlurker - perfect response and so much more balanced than I'd manage to be!!

NotHotDogMum · 10/05/2017 21:19

YANBU you have done nothing wrong.

She's a stupid woman.

But...for the sake of the kids just ignore the message, and tone down the hairstyles in the future it's just not worth it, retaliating in any way will escalate this.

waterrat · 10/05/2017 21:20

I think it's very sad thst strangers on the internet are winding you up to get in an unnecessary row with this woman.

She is going to be in your life forever and the kids are very young still. Just take a deep breath and tell yourself that you have no idea what is going on in her life eight now.

Please ignore the posters here telling you to be rude to this woman.

Send bavk a polite message saying okay sorry and just get on with your life.

I have no idea how it must feel to know another woman is sharing care of my 5 year olds but I'm sure it's not easy.

Be a bigger person and for the sake of the kids just be as pleasant as possible.

Lelloteddy · 10/05/2017 21:20

Two 5 year old post birthday party hyped up heads full of glittery shit on a school night? Yeah I'd probably fire off an arsey text if they landed home like that.

If things are generally ok, and this is a one off, I'd just let it go for now. Everybody has an off day and maybe glittery heads needing washed was the final straw for her yesterday. Try not to buy into the drama that MN likes to create around these situations.

ToastDemon · 10/05/2017 21:21

Trampy? What sort of freak would ever use that term in the context of a five year old?