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Original poster

Stepmum is getting upset about dds hair

284 replies

mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 20:53

We are a blended family. I have 2 DDs and 1 son. My husband has twin DDs and 2 sons. One of my DDs is the same age as the twins. We have a shared custody agreement with his kids where he has them for one month, their mum has them for the next. I get on well with their mum in general, she's a nice lady. However, yesterday the twins and my DD had a party to go to with a friend of theirs from school (all children attend same school) and I took all three girls because she was busy. Whilst getting my DD ready for the party, I did her hair in space buns with glitter in. Her twins saw what I was doing and asked for the same thing, I did it on them and had a nice time doing it with different colours of glitter and everything. Today I received this message: Hi mamasita11, I'd be very grateful if you didn't do the DDs hair again as I don't like the hairstyle and think it's too old for them. Please let DH do their hair from now on as they're our children and I'd rather their parent did their hair than you.

Is it just me who thinks that's really off or should I just nod my head and agree?

OP posts:
KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 10/05/2017 23:04

"Not a problem, I will leave the parents to handle ALL childcare going forward."

needsahalo · 10/05/2017 23:08

I agree there is no point starting world 3 but I do think that you need to be firm with people like that and not let them walk all over you

People like what, exactly? The OP herself has made it clear things are normally OK and that this is out of their usual kilter and maybe it was an off day.

Why look for a fight?

pictish · 10/05/2017 23:09

Keep off? Do pipe down.

needsahalo · 10/05/2017 23:11

so I don't really see why i should be grateful for having to be the one to upset little girls

I mean just generally. Court is hellish. If the current arrangements generally work and you get on OK, it could really be so much worse. Chalk this one up to experience. See how it goes moving forward.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 10/05/2017 23:13

Crumbs How the heck can two buns on top of your head be "trampy"? Hmm
Mn really had descended up its own arse.

MarcelineTheVampire · 10/05/2017 23:18

DanTM oh do behave- 'keep off', surely no one can be this stupid? They live with her for a month at a time?...shall she jUst ignore them?

Helloitsme88 · 10/05/2017 23:18

Just humour her and do your own thing when they are in your care. Easier than arguing with someone who is irritational.

TrinityTaylor · 10/05/2017 23:18

@Keira I think a lot of people on here judge you as "common" if you don't dress your child in boden striped tops, practical shoes and a sensible straight bob which you may put one plain hair grip in for parties. (Please don't leap on me I'm being lighthearted)

Lottie991 · 10/05/2017 23:20

Needsahalo what are you blabbering on about now, "People like what exactly?" People that are infact themselves looking for a fight sending a shitty text message to someone who quite obviously is treating their children with great care.
I have never stated that she should pick a fight as stated in my not starting world war 3 comment?? Jeeez Confused

needsahalo · 10/05/2017 23:23

Oh, very pleasant, Lottie. Night x

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2017 23:24

I think her message was arsey, and she could have just left it as "I don't like glitter, please don't use it in their hair again as it's a bugger to get out" or something, if that was the case.

She's just put you firmly in "non parent" camp which is pretty rude considering the set up you have, and have had for some years.

Have you shown it to your DH? What did he say about it?

angelikacpickles · 10/05/2017 23:25

How do you know these girls liked it? Because they told you they did?

Er, because they asked the OP to do it in their hair when they saw her DD's hair. It's right there in the OP ^^.

Februaryjones · 10/05/2017 23:26

TBH OP I don't know what you were thinking covering a pair of 5 year olds hair in glitter on a school night. I would have been absolutely livid if I'd had to deal with that later. I'm not surprised she's told you to leave their hair alone in the future.

early30smum · 10/05/2017 23:26

I would text something like this:

'Thanks for your message- so sorry, my DD wanted her hair like that, and yours asked if they could too, didn't really think the glitter would be so tricky to wash out of DD's hair, sorry if it was the same for yours. The buns and glitter were meant to be a little treat for the party but I completely understand if you'd rather not have the girls' hair done this way. DH/DP doesn't find doing any of the girls' hair easy (!) so if okay with you I'll continue to do it, but in their normal style?'

Lottie991 · 10/05/2017 23:27

Night needsahalo Biscuit

Peanutbutterrules · 10/05/2017 23:31

I can also imagine this the other way around...

My DD's are so upset that their step mother spent ages doing her daughters hair up for a party, and when they asked her to do the same for them she said No'.

Get your DH to agree boundaries.

LanaDReye · 10/05/2017 23:33

Early I like your message. It's very reasonable and genuine and I would expect the DD's mum would appreciate it or something similar.

SouthWindsWesterly · 10/05/2017 23:41

Good idea for a catch up before the next month - hopefully it was an off day as what she's really asking you to do is treat the children differently

Ellisandra · 10/05/2017 23:47

Well, you've replied now.

I'm a mum who doesn't like how stepmother does my daughter's hair - because it's a bit too old for my liking and I like children to look like children. I bite my tongue though.

Her message was really rude - no arguing about that.

But given you say you've got on fine for two years, I'd have waited until next day (in case she needed to calm down!) then said "I'm sorry you didn't like the style so I won't do that on them again. But it seems a big reaction to ask me not to do their hair at all - is there another issue that you want to talk about?"

I would actually say that it should be her XH that leads that, though as they couldn't agree child arrangements without court, perhaps that's not wise!

I'm curious about the monthly swaps... do the kids at least get one night a week with the non resident parent during the month?!

mrsc1985 · 11/05/2017 00:02

dan are you a bitter ex by any chance?
OP ignore the petty bitch. This is the kind of thing my DHs ex would do. I was always fucking good enough to drop her kids off to when she went on her regular weekend piss ups though!
And I was good enough to ask for help with one thing or another on at least a monthly basis!

RockyBird · 11/05/2017 00:16

My dad's girlfriend took me for a curly perm (to match hers) when I was nine in 1980.

Your man's ex would have kittens Grin

Allthewaves · 11/05/2017 00:50

Let it slide.

Could be an off day. Could be she's upset about not having the kids for a month and she couldn't do their hair?

Wouldn't take it personally.

VerySadInside · 11/05/2017 00:50

She's their mum not their stepmom? Title has confused me.

I think space buns are a little old for 5 year olds. Currently they are favoured by teens trying to imitate kylie jenner. All big lips and no clothes on. They always remind me of miley cyrus anyway.

Italiangreyhound · 11/05/2017 01:08

Libitina "Does that give her more rights than their Father? Presumably he was happy for OP to do their hair?" and Distance "Surely the father is also entitled to an opinion on what hairstyles his daughters can wear."

But he was not the one getting the glitter out of the hair was he?

KatieB25 "The op may not be around in the future or she may well and constantly having to stick within a ridiculous list of what she's allowed to do. Being a step mum is really hard." But the OP says "I get on well with their mum in general, she's a nice lady." So it doesn't souond like there are big issues, just this hair 'issue'.

TrinityTaylor that hair style looks beautiful. But you know what we like or don't like on our own child doesn't mean we necesarily like or don't like it on others.

Totally agree with stitchglitched.

OP I was going to say I thought you shoudl just opt for a quiet life. If you all get on normally, why not just do what she says.... Be the bigger person.... and I thought TheRealPooTroll had it. So glad you used the realpoo email.

Maybe she could not get the glitter out
Or maybe she felt inadequate that you could do this great style and she can't
Or maybe genuinely did feel it was too grown up for them (not that glitter is something I usually consider too grown up!)

Life is way too short to escalate things, she will calm down and may will apologuize, well done.

Ericaequites · 11/05/2017 01:32

Glitter is never appropriate for any purpose. It makes a terrible mess. One can use glitter responsibly, clean up diligently, and open a boiled egg two days later to find glitter inside.
My father could have flown me to Disney more easily than brush my hair, but he had a pilot's license.

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