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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmum is getting upset about dds hair

284 replies

mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 20:53

We are a blended family. I have 2 DDs and 1 son. My husband has twin DDs and 2 sons. One of my DDs is the same age as the twins. We have a shared custody agreement with his kids where he has them for one month, their mum has them for the next. I get on well with their mum in general, she's a nice lady. However, yesterday the twins and my DD had a party to go to with a friend of theirs from school (all children attend same school) and I took all three girls because she was busy. Whilst getting my DD ready for the party, I did her hair in space buns with glitter in. Her twins saw what I was doing and asked for the same thing, I did it on them and had a nice time doing it with different colours of glitter and everything. Today I received this message: Hi mamasita11, I'd be very grateful if you didn't do the DDs hair again as I don't like the hairstyle and think it's too old for them. Please let DH do their hair from now on as they're our children and I'd rather their parent did their hair than you.

Is it just me who thinks that's really off or should I just nod my head and agree?

OP posts:
Lottie991 · 11/05/2017 13:36

Totally agree with therealpootroll.

waterrat · 11/05/2017 17:03

we don't have both sides of this pootroll! Maybe the mum is in a bad place/ had a bad day when she sent the message - who knows?! I think it's so irresonsible of people to encourage discord between step/ real parents as it is so complex - and the needs of the children must be put first.

waterrat · 11/05/2017 17:06

It's responsible parenting in a blended family to try to keep cordial relationships and just remember humans are not always logical.

Maybe it hurt to see her little girls being 'mothered' - well - unless we walk in this mums shoes I think we shouldn't judge a slightly narky text.

Froglette16 · 11/05/2017 17:36

If you're really mad, say nothing. Silence is a wonderful way to make people reconsider their own stupid actions. If I were the ex I'd be thrilled that you'd cared for my girls as your own.

GreenGinger2 · 11/05/2017 17:56

Think I'd be asking if a parent needing to do it was regards everything ie doing party runs? If so she'll need to take her kids to parties herself in the future as your dh isn't always available.

Carriecakes80 · 11/05/2017 17:59

Oooh think thats a little bit of the glittery green eyed monster! lol. I would have to say !Oh I am sorry, please can you explain that to the girls when they come over as I will still be doing my daughters hair like this and they will want it too, can you let them know that you say no to this, cheers!"

Ok, I would probably WANT to say this but keep the peace lol, but I think you sound great fun, and lovely of you to take the time to do this for them! xx

Mombie2016 · 11/05/2017 18:01

What an absolute twat.

I'd be jealous though because I can barely do a pony tail in my girls waist length so maybe she's pissy because she can't do it?

TrinityTaylor · 11/05/2017 18:04

I don't care what people think of stepmom's rights, mums not wanting their kids hair touched by others, glitter being tacky, space buns being "trampy" (the f**k?! lol) to me reading back on this thread it's just so MEAN to say no to the two little girls after they saw the op's dd's hair. Like how can you turn them down? Err sorry no, you're not my child so I won't do it. How awful for them. So OP definitely did the right thing doing their hair I don't care what people say, the twin girls need to feel like they are equal and wanted.

pollymere · 11/05/2017 18:04

If she doesn't like you doing her DDs hair then really you need to respect that. However my DH can't even plait hair so this wouldn't be a practical option if it had been my twins! I realized that mine doesn't even brush my dd hair properly so would need help getting her ready daily. If you have custody a month at a time then their mum may have to get used to you doing their hair but let you DH work this out and take a step back for now. I wouldn't do anyone else's kids hair without ringing their mum to check it was okay first and I guess she doesn't see you as family yet.

jayne1976 · 11/05/2017 18:11

Leave DH to do it then, I've been away before and been mortified to how mine have gone to school, never mind a party! When the girls as - sorry darling your mummy said she only wanted Daddy to do your hair.

Sparklyglitter · 11/05/2017 18:12

What!?! So your husbands out and the girls need their hair done - How's that gonna work?

Your husband should say really sorry you don't like hair style we take on board your feelings and will try and avoid such hairstyles in the future (you don't want to fall out over this) but it is impractical and not in the best interests of the children for me to promise I will be the only one doing their hair!

ThreeLeggedHaggis · 11/05/2017 18:14

I'd have ignored it and carried on, but I think the message you sent was fine. Hopefully she's less unreasonable today and will respond politely - even more hopefully, with an apology.

AlexRose5 · 11/05/2017 18:15

Sounds to me like she's calling rank on you OP. I get similar remarks from my hubbys ex.
A bit of background , I've been the step mum since the kids were 1 yr and 2 yrs old... Seven years in total . She was with my hubby about 2 yrs . She's very jealous of any happiness he gains . Sees me as Good enough to do the hard slog, but if I outshine her any way (particularly with hair!) she pulls rank ...Favourite line being similar to your situation! Reminding me that she and my hubby are their parents. Etc....
It's a thankless job being a step parent at times. I think we get a bad rap and at times it can feel like all of the work but none of the glory .
What I would do is say fine! If you're not happy with me doing their hair I'm not doing the graft either. Take your kids to parties yourself from now on .
You're not the hired help at the end of the day.

DaisyFlower161 · 11/05/2017 18:19

You know what, sometimes people just have a bad day and you are on the receiving end. If this is a one off then please give her the benefit of the doubt and be friendly, you never know what is going on in other people's lives and she might just have had a crap day/week.

Shiraznowplease · 11/05/2017 18:24

My dd is 5 and would love them but I am useless with hair. I would be pleased that she was bonding with you (and a bit gutted that I couldn't do them)

Underthemoonlight · 11/05/2017 18:33

My DS had a SM because he's a boy they don't have a lot in common but I do have a dd with dh and I have to say I wouldn't like another woman doing girlie with my dd or dressing her in a particular way that I personally wouldn't like it and would feel jealsous. She's human and feelings can be raw regardless if the kids were only young when you got with their dad she unlikely envisioned another woman taking on a motherly role and it's a hard pill to swallow.

AnnabelC · 11/05/2017 18:41

I agree with trinity. It's lovely all the girls wanted to be the same. How you deal with their Mum. Tricky. I think I would leave it to the twins. They will moan to their mum if Dad does it! Unless he is good at doing girls hair !

Sonjae · 11/05/2017 18:45

Gosh... a month on, a month off. That's an unusual situation and one I know most mothers would refuse as it's difficult to be away from your kids at the best of times. Maybe that says a lot about her character. Maybe I'm being judgemental (really... on mumsnet???? How dare I!!!!) but it does seem odd.

Re the hair: she's jealous, got no control over the situation and is trying to feel important. Ignore her and crack on being a great step mum who sounds like she's got a lot on her plate on the 'month on'! Hat off you OP. 🥇

Kika2901 · 11/05/2017 18:48

Don't respond or just say "ok no problem". Keep it short and sweet, either will make her realise she has over reacted if she is a reasonable person. It's not like you cut their hair- that I would disagree with!

TheRealPooTroll · 11/05/2017 18:50

I was replying to the other parents who had said they don't like new partners doing things like hair. It may well stem from not wanting another woman to mother their children or, in some cases, understandable bitterness if it's the OW that ended their relationship. But you should put your own feelings to one side when there are children to consider. The next time the op is doing a fancy hairstyle for her dd and the twins want the same for eg it is going to be the twins who are upset not the op or the dad or whoever the mum is annoyed with.

rightwhine · 11/05/2017 19:13

I'd reply with "sorry about that. It would have felt very unfair for them to see X be allowed and for me to say no when they asked for the same. Didn't mean to upset you"

Then you are apologising but pointing out that her dtwins feelings should prioritise her own.

Lottie991 · 11/05/2017 19:17

Its sad how so many posters on here aren't considering the CHILDREN feelings.

Starlighter · 11/05/2017 19:22

What an ungrateful weirdo!

I think it's going to be very impractical if you're not allowed to do their hair going forwards when they're living with u for a month at a time! Something else is going on here... sounds like u all need to sit down and have a chat. She's got issues with u!

honeylulu · 11/05/2017 19:23

Gosh... a month on, a month off. That's an unusual situation and one I know most mothers would refuse as it's difficult to be away from your kids at the best of times

Well maybe some dads find it difficult to be away from their kids too. Not all men are useless.

reallyanotherone · 11/05/2017 19:25

My DS had a SM because he's a boy they don't have a lot in common

I take it you don't have a lot in common with your son either, what with you being a girl and all?

If they don't have anything in common it's down to personality, not that the are different sexes. I'm sure plenty of mums and stepmums have lots in common with sons and stepsons.

So it's ok for a sm to do a boys hair and buy outfits and clothes? It's just a girl's appearance you would get territorial over?

No wonder kids are so confused with gender and stereotypes.

And no wonder such importance is placed on girls hair. It's only hair!

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