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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmum is getting upset about dds hair

284 replies

mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 20:53

We are a blended family. I have 2 DDs and 1 son. My husband has twin DDs and 2 sons. One of my DDs is the same age as the twins. We have a shared custody agreement with his kids where he has them for one month, their mum has them for the next. I get on well with their mum in general, she's a nice lady. However, yesterday the twins and my DD had a party to go to with a friend of theirs from school (all children attend same school) and I took all three girls because she was busy. Whilst getting my DD ready for the party, I did her hair in space buns with glitter in. Her twins saw what I was doing and asked for the same thing, I did it on them and had a nice time doing it with different colours of glitter and everything. Today I received this message: Hi mamasita11, I'd be very grateful if you didn't do the DDs hair again as I don't like the hairstyle and think it's too old for them. Please let DH do their hair from now on as they're our children and I'd rather their parent did their hair than you.

Is it just me who thinks that's really off or should I just nod my head and agree?

OP posts:
RoseGoldHippie · 11/05/2017 19:29

OP did you get a response to your reply in the end?

Micah · 11/05/2017 19:32

Gosh... a month on, a month off. That's an unusual situation and one I know most mothers would refuse as it's difficult to be away from your kids at the best of times

Well maybe some dads find it difficult to be away from their kids too. Not all men are useless.

Agreed. Both parents should have equal right to parent their child. It is not the mothers place to dictate contact to the childs father, or refuse equal contact.

Which is probably why the father took it to court, if she wouldn't agree to equal contact. He probably didn't want to be away from his kids just as much as the mother.

Underthemoonlight · 11/05/2017 19:55

Not that I'm answerable to you to you reallyanotherineone but no DS doesn't have a lot in common with his SM she does her own thing seperately to DS, he is very much a boy's boy and has a close relationship to my DH who has been in his life since the age of 2 they share an interest in football and they attend matches together amongst many things. That doesn't in any way affect my relationship with me DS and I have two ds who I am close to as they are my flesh and blood but I think a common interest helps especially with a step parent. I also add most mother and daughter relationships are different to sons and mothers and fathers and daughters.

The mother is human it's hard when you have children and relationships break down you don't factor in the fact potential strangers will be involved in your children's lives and I think it's natural to feel threatened and abit envious it's how people express these opinions or feelings that can cause problems.

purplecollar · 11/05/2017 21:35

I think it's just something that's quite personal really. How you do their hair. Whilst she has got to get used to you, it's still hard to accept.

I think if dd aged 5 had gone off to a party or playdate and come back with a hairstyle I really wouldn't have done, it would be quite weird for me. She has to have a huge amount of trust in you.

I think I would just say, sure, no problem or something similar.

dustarr73 · 11/05/2017 21:48

I bet if the op left them out she would be moaning about that.

Rumeameke1978 · 11/05/2017 22:33

@Lelloteddy you could not have put it any better!

Rach6l · 11/05/2017 22:46

She's basically saying she doesn't want you to be so close to them as to touch their hair Shock

You might like her but i think that tells you what she thinks of you.

DistanceCall · 11/05/2017 22:56

I think it's just something that's quite personal really. How you do their hair. Whilst she has got to get used to you, it's still hard to accept.

I think if dd aged 5 had gone off to a party or playdate and come back with a hairstyle I really wouldn't have done, it would be quite weird for me. She has to have a huge amount of trust in you.

FFS. It's a hairstyle, not a haircut. It comes down at the end of the day.

Taylor22 · 11/05/2017 22:58

She has to have a huge amount of trust in you.

She doesn't really get a choice. Their father. Their other equally important parent. He given his permission for OP to do their hair on his parenting time.

Lottie991 · 11/05/2017 23:10

I also don't think she's as "nice" as what you have perceived her to be as her actions speak volumes, My partners ex was like that, She was as nice as pie to me baking cakes for my own children for Christmas and dropping them off with her son she was really friendly when we saw each other, the whole time she was slagging my kids off making up ridiculous lies about them when she had only met them for a couple of minutes in her life, and making up crap about me and my partner.
Things aren't always what the seem, Especially with people.
Some are just full of shit unfortunately.

dodgypinz · 12/05/2017 02:52

Sorry you have been upset by this less than tactful message. I fostered for many years and found out early on that hair is somehow very powerful stuff. I accepted I shouldn't have children's hair cut no matter how much they wanted it, unless I had parents or social services permission ( depending on legal situation ) but I struggled at first with why I shouldn't allow teenage boys to dress their hair with wax, or plait long hair on 6 year old if she wanted it. But it seems that hair really touches parental hot spots so I just used to check with parent and or sw re ANY change to hairstyle. My only caveat was I would always go ahead and clear lice and then decide a hairstyle with the child to minimise likelyhood of picking them up again. Then next day notify parent and sw.
Soooooooooooo my advice would be to leave it to your dh to sort out and don't let it spoil what up to now has been an amicable arrangement.

AntigoneJones · 12/05/2017 03:19

I wish everyone saying oh she is an idiot/loon whatever would just stop and think for a moment. We have no idea of this family dynamic, nor what kind of a day/week/month the twins' mum had had. Maybe two five year old coming home hyped up on party food and with glittery shit in their hair just drove her a little demented.
OP, you make yourself sound like a great stepmum, but there is a bit more to this isn't there?

isthisacceptable200 · 12/05/2017 06:06

I think the main point is that the twins' mother is unable to be with her daughters for a month at a time (why a month? this is the one detail that makes me wonder if this thread is fake). For me this would be hell. So a moment of annoyance about a hairstyle is nothing really.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 12/05/2017 06:20

Antigone whatever the family setup is, their is absolutely no justifying that stupid message. What does the children's hair have to do with any custody arrangement of whatever bitterness the ex feels. Her children asked for the hairstyle so should the op exclude them the next time so the 'poor mum' is pandered to?

AppleOfMyEye10 · 12/05/2017 06:20

*there

Supermagicsmile · 12/05/2017 06:43

Yanbu!

nellieellie · 12/05/2017 09:33

I just cannot imagine being without my daughter when she was 5 for a month at a time. Honestly, just thinking about it is just heartbreaking. I'd say if you have a good relationship with her, just let it go. She may have typed in a bad moment. If my 5 year old came back with a hairstyle which I would just never have done, which had been done by a woman who was acting as their 'mum' for a month, I think I would have been in bits. This really is a very difficult situation for this woman. Give her a break.

blackteasplease · 12/05/2017 09:38

I don't think I would be able to bring myself to reply.

I think maybe your dh should reply and say he's happy for you to do their hair, kids are happy and so that's how it's going to be. He could remind her that you did them a favour.

blackteasplease · 12/05/2017 09:39

I also wouldn't think month on/ off was a goood system but wanted to confine myself to the actual question.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 12/05/2017 09:48

If my 5 year old came back with a hairstyle which I would just never have done, which had been done by a woman who was acting as their 'mum' for a month, I think I would have been in bits. This really is a very difficult situation for this woman. Give her a break.

While I agree it's difficult for the mum, it's more difficult for the chilld. Why should her DD be left out of fun activities just because her mum is upset? It's hard enough for her DD, and she's making it worse by trying to enforce these restrictions.

GinSwigmore · 12/05/2017 10:09

My own mum probably would have felt like sending that message but never would have done. It's a real shame as the girls no doubt came back excited and exuberant. Fwiw I would love you OP...I am utterly hopeless with hair and my DD would find space buns awesome (although you would end up having to do a glitter mohican for a jealous DS Guy Diamond wannabe, them there's the breaks Grin). The response was fine. I hope she responds in kind and realises her initial response was shitty.
(And it was shitty. On top of that, even if she thinks she's not doing it in front of her kids, they might well be aware of any resentment growing up even if it is recognising a rictus grin/knowing not to mention any positives with the stepparent/compartmentalising).
BrewCake

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 12/05/2017 10:40

YANBU - she's being petty and malicious. I would reply saying that there was no malice in what you did but there was malice in her text.

missdebaroo · 12/05/2017 10:53

Month with mom then a month with dad? Really? I couldn't be without my kids for a whole month!

BillyButtfuck · 12/05/2017 11:14

She's being petty, ignore it.

Rabblemum · 12/05/2017 13:49

My step mum had some silly ideas about how I should look, no make up outside until I was 13, no trendy shoes, the list goes on. She's a selfish bitter woman who was desperate for me not to get an identity until I was "old" enough.

It was a party, there were no rules to break and living under Cultic conditions it may well have made her day. Maybe just tell her you have a compulsion to do hair nicely and if she doesn't want any more exotic hair dos she should do her own child's hair. I became a clubbier in my teens and had some amazing time with glitter and hair, hopefully this repressed child will do the same.