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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmum is getting upset about dds hair

284 replies

mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 20:53

We are a blended family. I have 2 DDs and 1 son. My husband has twin DDs and 2 sons. One of my DDs is the same age as the twins. We have a shared custody agreement with his kids where he has them for one month, their mum has them for the next. I get on well with their mum in general, she's a nice lady. However, yesterday the twins and my DD had a party to go to with a friend of theirs from school (all children attend same school) and I took all three girls because she was busy. Whilst getting my DD ready for the party, I did her hair in space buns with glitter in. Her twins saw what I was doing and asked for the same thing, I did it on them and had a nice time doing it with different colours of glitter and everything. Today I received this message: Hi mamasita11, I'd be very grateful if you didn't do the DDs hair again as I don't like the hairstyle and think it's too old for them. Please let DH do their hair from now on as they're our children and I'd rather their parent did their hair than you.

Is it just me who thinks that's really off or should I just nod my head and agree?

OP posts:
Original poster
mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 22:40

@needsahalo it went to court because both parents wanted more time with their family. It wasn't a case of not trusting each other with their children, it was a case of wanting more time together. This all happened before I was around so I don't really see why i should be grateful for having to be the one to upset little girls.

OP posts:
May09Bump · 10/05/2017 22:40

I think you sound lovely - and the girls have been included throughout your day to day life. Ok - maybe the glitter and colour may have been a bugger to get out, but the bit about DH parenting hair styles is bonkers considering you have a good relationship with her and the girls.

If you can sit down face to face and talk it through over a coffee, ask what exactly what didn't she like etc, the practicalities of shared childcare in your house. How you try to include the girls, but would like to bear in mind her wishes (gives you room to move). She might have had an off day and it's a shame to ruin an ok relationship over a misfired text. You can also see whether there is a storm brewing face to face - ie if she has issues with you getting close to her daughters. Blended families can be a minefield - but the sucessful ones I've been friends with, have one thing in common, face to face talking.

danTDM · 10/05/2017 22:41

A glittery bun?

Good lord. Maybe she has more refined taste?

Original poster
mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 22:41

DH is annoyingly good at braids. The man can do all sorts of braids. But can he do a ponytail that isn't lopsided and offcenter? No!

OP posts:
TheRealPooTroll · 10/05/2017 22:42

I was thinking the same pictish. It would be justice if they got returned next time with 2 matted, glitter riddled space nests done by dad!
It is sexist though - dad could be a hairdresser for all we know.

danTDM · 10/05/2017 22:43

My DD would have strongly objected. Hideous.

Original poster
mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 22:43

@May09Bump thank you. I think i'll suggest a catchup before the next month so we can set out rules.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 22:44

@danTDM not really a thread about the style little girls like though is it?

OP posts:
Lottie991 · 10/05/2017 22:44

Needsahalo, It is what it is I suppose, She's created a problem when there needn't be one, She should have sucked it up the same way step mothers have to suck up situations that are hard in a blended family.
I agree there is no point starting world 3 but I do think that you need to be firm with people like that and not let them walk all over you.
This is about the kids and the mum needs to realise there are consequences to her actions, She has created friction. I Definately do not agree with apologising she has nothing to apologise for, making her step children happy with a request they made.
Lucky kids to have such a kind step mother.

TheRealPooTroll · 10/05/2017 22:44

Well these children liked it danTDM. Different kids have different tastes shocker!

TrinityTaylor · 10/05/2017 22:44

Dantdm - good for your daughter, OP's however clearly likes it as her did her step dd's, and at five years old who really cares if it's not refined enough?! Hardly like they're going for a job interview!

TrafficJunkie · 10/05/2017 22:45

Ugh. Exes. Always a bloody problem some way or another!! Yanbu.

CreamCheez · 10/05/2017 22:46

I reply "Okay" to anything like that...

Allergychange · 10/05/2017 22:46

@trinitytaylor

I wouldn't have any reaction as she's not my DD. I was trying to get across that it can be a shock/weird feeling when you see your child dressed or looking totally different to how you usually see them. It may not be her taste and she had to deal with sorting it

I've had stepmothers in my DCs life long enough to not bother about it anymore though that's for sure

And your DD looks beautiful. I suppose the only comparison I could make is if she came home and another woman had teased her hair into a big Afro and had it hanging in her eyes. You would probably have some kind of reaction to that (especially if she had added some glitter!)

ValentinaG · 10/05/2017 22:46

Sorry trinity, that was under a nsmechange

danTDM · 10/05/2017 22:47

How do you know these girls liked it? Because they told you they did?

OK...

You really don't know this and it sounds horrible.

You are not the mother OP so keep off. Really. It could be you in 3 years, easily.

TheExuberant1 · 10/05/2017 22:48

I think she totally over reacted. If you hadn't done the girls hair the same perhaps you would have then been accused of giving your children preferential treatment. Really unfair on you when all you were doing was something fun for the girls . A bit of glitter on a school night is not the end of the world.

NotYoda · 10/05/2017 22:52

It's an arsey message but people sometimes send texts too soon after they've had a strong reaction to something. I agree that Northernlurker's response is perfect and ramping it up would be a mistake

NotYoda · 10/05/2017 22:53

... people in this situation often think better of it if they receive a polite response back and time to reflect

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/05/2017 22:54

Ok. So, from now on only DH is allowed to do their hair. That's going to be very convenient. What else are you going to allow her to dictate about how you organise your life? Is only he allowed to cook for them? Is only he allowed to take them to school? Is only he allowed to put them in the bath? Madness this way lies.

pinkblink · 10/05/2017 22:55

I'd pop a little text back asking if you should still bath them and brush their teeth? Or are they to fend for themselves entirely now if your DH isn't home Hmm

pinkblink · 10/05/2017 22:55

But I'm a bit of a bitch, probably wise you don't do that

TrinityTaylor · 10/05/2017 22:56

Valentina I do get your point, and your point about dressing her like a dolly, my sister actually has a few problems with her ex's mother changing their dd's clothes uponand arrival into head to toe next flower girl style things (lovely though they can be) and telling her mummy dresses her not nice etc, but all trying to resolve as an adult. Ps the pic is a v cute kid but not mine and my hair skills aren't as polished :)

pictish · 10/05/2017 22:57

I agree Annie.

I think maybe take this as a one-off because so far it is. Any more nonsense then get dp to nip it in the bud.

TrinityTaylor · 10/05/2017 22:58

@dantdm - the OP's own dd asked for the hairstyle, the step dd's saw and liked it and asked for exactly the same style

Ok explain how is she going to "keep off" when the children live with her for a month at a time? Pretend they aren't there?