Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 11 12

Original poster

Stepmum is getting upset about dds hair

284 replies

mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 20:53

We are a blended family. I have 2 DDs and 1 son. My husband has twin DDs and 2 sons. One of my DDs is the same age as the twins. We have a shared custody agreement with his kids where he has them for one month, their mum has them for the next. I get on well with their mum in general, she's a nice lady. However, yesterday the twins and my DD had a party to go to with a friend of theirs from school (all children attend same school) and I took all three girls because she was busy. Whilst getting my DD ready for the party, I did her hair in space buns with glitter in. Her twins saw what I was doing and asked for the same thing, I did it on them and had a nice time doing it with different colours of glitter and everything. Today I received this message: Hi mamasita11, I'd be very grateful if you didn't do the DDs hair again as I don't like the hairstyle and think it's too old for them. Please let DH do their hair from now on as they're our children and I'd rather their parent did their hair than you.

Is it just me who thinks that's really off or should I just nod my head and agree?

OP posts:

ValentinaG · 10/05/2017 21:59

Trinity, she has beautiful girls clothes. Her hair is brushed and kept in a lovely bob just below her chin. I'm as far from a lentil weaving hippy as you can get.

Without sounding bitchy (which this will), she looks cheap and a bit chavvy when they bring her home. She's a 2 year old girl, not a dressing up dolly.

And if she asked for it...well she wouldn't. I have 2 other girls and they've never asked me to scrape their hair up on top of their head into some bizarre pineapple thing. They have a few pink things but certainly not the bulk of their clothes.

SovietKitsch · 10/05/2017 21:59

Nah, sorry OP the twins' mother has a point. This wasn't your month, it was in her time. You agreed to take them to the party, but what also happened was that her daughters got their hair put into a style of your choosing and she got them back not the way she sent them to you. It might feel to her like a dog marking its territory.

She's probably being unreasonable, if only practically so, to say she doesn't ever want you doing the girls' hair. But the only sensible response to this is something like "Fair enough, noted" and leave it at that.

TheRealPooTroll · 10/05/2017 22:00

I think I'd send something back like 'Ok. I was doing my dd's hair and your twins wanted the same so I didn't want to treat them differently. But you are their mum and I'll let them know next time that it's not allowed and dad is on hair duty. Hope you are well'.
Keep it amicable but let her know that your intentions were good and all that will come of her text is boring hairstyles and jealous twins!

Enidblyton1 · 10/05/2017 22:00

It's a shame she had to be so rude about it, but I'd just send back a quick note saying, 'OK, no problem.' I can't imagine how I'd be feeling if my 5 yr old twins had been spending every other month living with another woman since they were 3. Must be very hard for their DM.

In future leave the girls to do their own hair (or DP does it) and she may change her mind if it starts looking too scruffy!

needsahalo · 10/05/2017 22:00

I take it some of you think i'm a bad parent

No one has said anything about 'bad parents'. Some people feel they get where the ex is coming from - not that the hairstyle is a 'bad parenting choice'. You do what you want with your child's hair. That's your choice. The ex was unhappy. Suck it up.

Enidblyton1 · 10/05/2017 22:01

Poo troll's message is good

stitchglitched · 10/05/2017 22:01

Maybe she is jealous. So what? She has a pretty awful contact schedule to contend with and a woman she had no choice about co parenting her kids. The fact that things are usually pretty amiable is an achievement and something that shouldn't be jeopardised just so the OP can assert herself. OP has lots of time with these children and sounds like she does alot for them and gets on well with them. Nothing wrong then with being a bit humble and showing respect for the mother's role if it clears the air and keeps things friendly.

TrinityTaylor · 10/05/2017 22:01

Ex sounds happy enough to use OP for childcare in "her month" with the kids, though

Lottie991 · 10/05/2017 22:03

Needsahalo its still unnecessary to say it and to let her feelings run away with her over a hairstyle, creating friction there is unfair on her dds she should be keeping things as civil as possible.

TrinityTaylor · 10/05/2017 22:03

Why do stepmums get so harshly treated on here? Almost as badly as trans people or teachers 😂 and before anyone says anything - I'm a single parent, dad not involved, never been a stepmum probably never will be, I actually wish my kids had one at least they'd see their dad

dustarr73 · 10/05/2017 22:04

But she can't have it both ways.Op good enough to bring them to the party but not good enough to do their hair.I would send her a text saying that's fine and then let her explain to her kids what will be happening from here on in.

KarmaNoMore · 10/05/2017 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DistanceCall · 10/05/2017 22:04

Surely the father is also entitled to an opinion on what hairstyles his daughters can wear.

And saying that hair styling is "for parents only" is frankly bonkers.

I would ignore it, assuming that she's gone bonkers for a while (as we all do sometimes). If this comes up again, tell your husband to discuss it with her.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 10/05/2017 22:05

Ex sounds happy enough to use OP for childcare in "her month" with the kids, though

That's a pretty big assumprtion. The mother may be rather unhappy with that monthly arrangement.

Lottie991 · 10/05/2017 22:05

I also dont get the contact arrangement being every other month but surely this is something the mother has agreed to?

viques · 10/05/2017 22:07

Misleading title. Should be Mum is getting upset about her DDs hair. Which if she had the faff of washing out the glitter x 2 she is entitled to do.

stitchglitched · 10/05/2017 22:07

Yes Karma of course there are no guarantees. I was just taking issue with the statement that the OP will be in the ex's life forever so should set her straight, after 2 years.

dustarr73 · 10/05/2017 22:08

Maybe the monthly agreement was from the mother,not the father.

C0untDucku1a · 10/05/2017 22:10

Month on / month off sounds bonkers.!

needsahalo · 10/05/2017 22:10

its still unnecessary to say it and to let her feelings run away with her over a hairstyle, creating friction there is unfair on her dds she should be keeping things as civil as possible
for the OP it's about hair...for the ex it is yet another issue she has been expected to put up with and shut up about and this time isn't prepared to shut up?

There is only friction if the OP rises to it. Sometimes it's about being the bigger person. You can't argue with someone who wont' argue. You can't hate someone who is always listens, looks you in the eye and says 'fair enough'.

I also dont get the contact arrangement being every other month but surely this is something the mother has agreed to?
She may have agreed it (she may not) but that doesn't mean she's happy about it. Huge difference.

KatieB25 · 10/05/2017 22:11

No one said 'set her straight' but it is really hard to run your life based on what the ex is happy to have happen in your house. What if she also feels only the parent should cook for them etc?

However hard it is for a mum to see someone else playing that part in their life she will always be their mother and that will never change.

Ceto · 10/05/2017 22:11

It does sound mad to suggest that only the children's parents can touch their hair, when I'm sure she realises that you must be helping with baths, hair washing etc when they are with you.

SheSaidHeSaid · 10/05/2017 22:12

I'd do what pootroll suggested.

KatieB25 · 10/05/2017 22:13

And to reiterate it doesn't need to be a row. A pp put it perfectly. Fair enough if she doesn't want them sent home covered in glitter but say that. As for who does their hair day to day...

reallyanotherone · 10/05/2017 22:14

Blimey. When I was 11 or 12 and did dance shows I would always do the little kids hair in braids and glitter- I was one of the few who knew how to braid.

They loved it. I didn't even occur to me that hair is "parents only". I would have been horrified if a parent ever said what was said to the o/p.

Why are some parents so territorial over hair?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 11 12