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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmum is getting upset about dds hair

284 replies

mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 20:53

We are a blended family. I have 2 DDs and 1 son. My husband has twin DDs and 2 sons. One of my DDs is the same age as the twins. We have a shared custody agreement with his kids where he has them for one month, their mum has them for the next. I get on well with their mum in general, she's a nice lady. However, yesterday the twins and my DD had a party to go to with a friend of theirs from school (all children attend same school) and I took all three girls because she was busy. Whilst getting my DD ready for the party, I did her hair in space buns with glitter in. Her twins saw what I was doing and asked for the same thing, I did it on them and had a nice time doing it with different colours of glitter and everything. Today I received this message: Hi mamasita11, I'd be very grateful if you didn't do the DDs hair again as I don't like the hairstyle and think it's too old for them. Please let DH do their hair from now on as they're our children and I'd rather their parent did their hair than you.

Is it just me who thinks that's really off or should I just nod my head and agree?

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 10/05/2017 21:39

Yeah, I bet it is the glitter that's the problem thinking about it.

CrapTonight has said it all really.

You get to be the fun, sparkly, cool Mum- and then she has to be the mean bitch Mum scrubbing it out of their hair in time for school tomorrow.

Least said, soonest mended really.0

flibberdy · 10/05/2017 21:39

@NotHotDogMum that's what I would have thought but he's very much for an easy life with his ex Hmm - a bit useless.

KarmaNoMore · 10/05/2017 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stitchglitched · 10/05/2017 21:40

No OP doesn't need to 'stand her ground' with the girls' mother. With all due respect 2 years into a relationship with a blended family there is no guarantee she will be in her, or the kids, lives forever. Why create animosity? She didn't choose to co parent with OP and if things are generally amiable it is best to keep it that way as far as possible.

Libitina · 10/05/2017 21:40

You should nod your head and agree. She is their mother.

Does that give her more rights than their Father? Presumably he was happy for OP to do their hair?

needsahalo · 10/05/2017 21:43

She's a stupid woman
In your opinion. There are many people who agree that the hairstyles sound inappropriate and understand that the glitter etc. may have caused a practical problem that mum had to solve.

You've got them for a month at a time and during your time, your in charge
It is not the OP's time with the children. Nothing at all to do with her. The children are there to spend time with their father. If their father chooses to be in another relationship and chooses to have that person support them in parenting, that is his choice to make. But that doesn't make it that other person's time with the children. What happens to the children during that time is not her decision - assuming the father was happy with the hairstyles, that's the end of the matter. Was he happy, OP?

NotHotDogMum · 10/05/2017 21:43

If the glitter was the problem
Why didn't her text say: 'thanks for taking the girls to the party, their hair looked fab but the glitter was hard to get rid of, do you mind not using it on a school night.'

ThePinkOcelot · 10/05/2017 21:44

Was it a school night?

KatieB25 · 10/05/2017 21:45

With respect the op is a big part of their lives as I am in my DSS. My DP's ex is constantly trying to restrict my involvement and we're now 3 years into the relationship. Everything little thing she'd have me not do for or with him restricts our family life and stops him being fully involved in things my children can do. It's not fair to him ultimately and she should be putting him first.

I stand by saying you need to stand your ground. The op may not be around in the future or she may well and constantly having to stick within a ridiculous list of what she's allowed to do. Being a step mum is really hard.

needsahalo · 10/05/2017 21:46

Why didn't her text say: 'thanks for taking the girls to the party, their hair looked fab but the glitter was hard to get rid of, do you mind not using it on a school night

because she genuinely didn't believe their hair looked fab?

SkippyFox · 10/05/2017 21:46

Twins you say? Wink Grin

KatieB25 · 10/05/2017 21:46

What NotHotDogMum said!

ValentinaG · 10/05/2017 21:47

Perfect post from @waterrat

For what it's worth I can see where she is coming from. It's different tastes.

Personally I dress my toddler DD as a toddler. She doesn't wear pretty bows in her hair, frilly skirts, mini adult clothes or have "hairdos". Her dads girlfriend however loves all that stuff. I have a real visceral reaction to DD having scraped up hair in a bun, head to toe pink and glittery shoes when they return her.

I don't say anything though, because I save my fire for the big things like ear piercing or trying to get her to like Disney princesses Wink

But if glittery space buns are as far from her parenting as it sounds like they are AND she had to deal with the aftermath I can get her annoyance.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 10/05/2017 21:47

pink

Most likely (I mean, I guess it does depend on where the OP lives?) Yes.

TrinityTaylor · 10/05/2017 21:47

Why would people "hit the roof" if your kids had glitter in their hair?! You are in for the shock of your life when they're teens.

GrumpyoldBlonde · 10/05/2017 21:47

You did something with the best intentions that was ill judged.
She responded in frustration at having to wash out glitter out of 2 long haired excited kids.

Just move on.

Mummmy2017 · 10/05/2017 21:48

Say sorry to her and that you will ask next time, before you do anything more than a ponytail,
Words cost nothing and sorry means nothing, it's just words, and yes I do think she may have felt jealous you go to do this fun thing that impressed her children,,,

TrinityTaylor · 10/05/2017 21:49

Valentina - but what if your dd ASKED for that stuff, what about when she starts school and doesn't want scraggly hair and gender neutral clothes? Will you deny her what she wants? She's her own person.

NoSquirrels · 10/05/2017 21:49

Wot Northern said.

Fair enough she didn't appreciate the glittery hairstyle on her twins.

Not OK of her to ask you not to do their hair at all ever, and always call for their DF - she hasn't even thought through the practicalities of that one.

I'd probably go for conciliatory (I made a mistake) with a side of seriously, love - eff off, with a dash of non-commital not-rising-to-the-request thrown in.

"Sorry you were unhappy about the glittery hair - I should have thought to text you/message you about it first. It was spur of the moment - DD's hair was already done and your girls thought it looked fun, and I didn't feel right leaving them out. I was in charge of party prep and transport, so DH wouldn't have been available to do their hair anyway. Anyway - apologies."

Lottie991 · 10/05/2017 21:50

She isn't the one creating animosity though is she, the children's mother is?
Her text was rude and screamed of jealousy.
If she was pissed off about the glitter why not just say so?
The fact she had to point out they weren't ops children and that she wasn't to do their hair again was nasty and unnecessary.
She also has no say so in that matter.

You don't have to only be blood related to do a child's hair! Its only accepted by some mn users on here because your a step mum! But if it was a step dad doing the child's hair he would be deemed amazing! Confused

Hotpinkangel19 · 10/05/2017 21:55

This is a huge shame, I feel for you OP. I think mum is being unfair on you! My DD has a step mum and she's often braiding her hair for her! I think it's lovely and wouldn't dream of stopping her!!! Plus I can't braid. I'm grateful she takes the time to do DD's hair after doing her own 2 daughters.

TrinityTaylor · 10/05/2017 21:55

My dd wears her hear like this often, she's mixed and her hair is hard to manage. I will not let her struggle with it all in her face. She wears it with or without bows. I take it some of you think i'm a bad parent, Valentina would you have one of your "visceral reactions" if you saw her like that?

Stepmum is getting upset about dds hair
sailorcherries · 10/05/2017 21:56

I wouldn't bother picking an argument. A simple "thanks for letting me know, we'll make sure that's what happens" is fine.

Then you do exactly that. Their dad does their hair and when they complain and get upset because your DD has x and they have y but want x then mum can explain or apologise.

needsahalo · 10/05/2017 21:56

The fact she had to point out they weren't ops children and that she wasn't to do their hair again was nasty and unnecessary

But they're not the OP's children, are they? Maybe she felt it necessary to say that on this occasion because she feels frustrated/upset/not a part of her children's lives/jealous/angry/upset....the fact is, it is fucking hard to accept someone who you have no choice but to put up with having so much of a say in your children's lives. It's not unreasonable to feel like that. You can recognise that without necessarily understanding what the fuss was about on this occasion. Or you can fight it and make it into a mountain and potentially ruin the relationship to the detriment of the children and their relationship with both parents.

It is also not unreasonable to genuinely have not like the hairstyle and not want to see the children like that again.

The rest of if she has no control over, so reasonable to just ignore it.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/05/2017 21:57

I'm more intrigued by a month on/a month off as contact than the minor dispute about hairstyles. How did that come about exactly?