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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmum is getting upset about dds hair

284 replies

mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 20:53

We are a blended family. I have 2 DDs and 1 son. My husband has twin DDs and 2 sons. One of my DDs is the same age as the twins. We have a shared custody agreement with his kids where he has them for one month, their mum has them for the next. I get on well with their mum in general, she's a nice lady. However, yesterday the twins and my DD had a party to go to with a friend of theirs from school (all children attend same school) and I took all three girls because she was busy. Whilst getting my DD ready for the party, I did her hair in space buns with glitter in. Her twins saw what I was doing and asked for the same thing, I did it on them and had a nice time doing it with different colours of glitter and everything. Today I received this message: Hi mamasita11, I'd be very grateful if you didn't do the DDs hair again as I don't like the hairstyle and think it's too old for them. Please let DH do their hair from now on as they're our children and I'd rather their parent did their hair than you.

Is it just me who thinks that's really off or should I just nod my head and agree?

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 10/05/2017 21:21

I would send the response that's been suggested above.

They live with you in your home every other month. You will of course be parenting them. That is life. She will have to deal.

Peanutbutterrules · 10/05/2017 21:22

The text is rude - you put time and effort into doing something nice for all the girls.

She does sound jealous - how does she think the girls will feel being told 'no...your mum won't let me do it'. You've got them for a month at a time and during your time, your in charge. When they are with her, she is in charge. If you start nit picking at each other its just a nightmare. Get your DH to tell her to stop - no good comes of this sort of behaviour.

flibberdy · 10/05/2017 21:23

You have my sympathy, OP. My 2 DSD's mum puts their hair into plaits (curly hair) and says we are NOT to touch them for a week (bleugh). Also doesn't help they are always in the pool so by the time they go back to her it's just a birds nest. She really has an issue with me (and DH) doing their hair and I feel for the girls when they then have to sit through hours of detangling. But, you have to choose your battles I guess.

What does DH say about it? If I were you I would send a text suggested by Pp.
my Dh's ex refuses to even meet me so I don't have her contact details for any PA texting lol Grin

rollonthesummer · 10/05/2017 21:24

I'd probably respond 'Seriously? Wow. I thought your message would say thanks for taking them to the party when I couldn't. You're welcome by the way.'

That's perfect!

amprev · 10/05/2017 21:24

I agree with the pp who advise not letting this become a bigger issue between you both. I would however ask the mother of the twins if she could have a chat with them and explain in child-friendly terms that it is daddy who does their hair from now on, because it's not a fair position to put you in to tell them 'no' if they ask you to do their hair. When put like this, it might make her realise that her request borders on the unreasonable/impractical. Another thought I have had is that she might have used the 'too old' line to try and be polite, and what she actually means is she isn't keen on the style. I have no problem with space buns, but if I were in the same position as you, and my daughters' step mum put, say, elaborate cheerleader style ribbons in their hair, I would have to fight the urge to ask her not to. I think it's lovely that you did their hair in the same style, and overall, I think you did the right thing, but I can't imagine how she feels not having her daughters for a whole month at a time, and small things like this may take on disproportionate importance.

RedJubbly · 10/05/2017 21:24

She doesn't like the hairstyle? Well her DDs do like it and it's their hair

They are five years old. There is more to this than meets the eye.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 10/05/2017 21:25

My partner's daughter has nits and her mum doesn't/won't treat them. I can't let the poor girl keep scratching - and her dad doesn't have the skills (!) or patience to sit and sort it out.

OPs sd mum should be bloody grateful she has someone who takes an interest in her daughter's hair!

CricketRuntAndRashers · 10/05/2017 21:25

*I think it's very sad thst strangers on the internet are winding you up to get in an unnecessary row with this woman.

She is going to be in your life forever and the kids are very young still. Just take a deep breath and tell yourself that you have no idea what is going on in her life eight now.*

Please ignore the posters here telling you to be rude to this woman.

Send bavk a polite message saying okay sorry and just get on with your life

This ^^

Yes, her text was rude and I don't see how space buns could be regarded as "mature", but she is their mother. Do you really want to sour your (apparently?`) up to now amicable relationship?

Cheby · 10/05/2017 21:25

I think they look a bit teenager going to festival and are too old for the little ones - a bit trampy even.i can see why she'd be upset.

How bloody ridiculous. My 6yo DN wears her hair like this to parties all the time. She looks like a 6yo little girl dressing up for a party. She does not look like a tramp FFS.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 10/05/2017 21:28

is it possible that she didn't know how to remove the glitter? Or that it had gotten a sticky/tangly mess or something?

lorelairoryemily · 10/05/2017 21:28

I'd just reply "ok, no problem". She is an idiot and she knows it you don't need to tell her.

NotHotDogMum · 10/05/2017 21:28

@flibberdy it's out to your DH what happens to his DD's hair while in his care surely?

NotHotDogMum · 10/05/2017 21:28

*up to

JaneEyre70 · 10/05/2017 21:29

What she sent you is a very clear message that she's not happy with you doing anything for her children. So next time she's busy, remember that and when she asks, pass her onto DH seeing as he is the parent, not you. She can't have it both ways.

Yika · 10/05/2017 21:29

Yanbu but please just rise above it. She is being weird and it'll blow over. Let it go. Don't be drawn into something. A neutral, bland response along the lines of, 'OK, will do' is all that is needed. If it arises repeatedly, then you might have to hash out the issues in person.

ifeelcraptonight · 10/05/2017 21:31

I wouldn't have allowed glitter on a school night. Pain in the fucking arse to wash out and I ain't got time for that late at night.

You got the fun she gets the grunt work with the glitter. And she gets it twice over.

Not fair. I'd be peeved too.

I'd send a "sorry didn't realise you felt like that won't do it again" kind of text because at the end of the day they are her kids and you stuck her with a pita job to do. And stick to simple styles in future on swap days

KatieB25 · 10/05/2017 21:31

Pp have said how she's in your life forever. That's the exact reason why you have to stand your ground and she needs to accept your role in their life. Where will it end if you agree to this request?

This doesn't mean you need to phrase it nastily!

LawrenceSMarlow · 10/05/2017 21:31

Your title is disingenuous. It's not YOUR DD's stepmum getting upset about her hair (which would be odd). It's your step-DDs' mum getting upset. Probably not a battle worth fighting.

ifeelcraptonight · 10/05/2017 21:33

And it's not the step mum getting upset - you're the step mum. She's their mum.

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 10/05/2017 21:34

I'd honestly not bother to respond but the next time she wants you to do her a favour on her parenting time I would politely decline - and the next, and the next...

MrsELM21 · 10/05/2017 21:35

Exactly what Northern said

Smellbellina · 10/05/2017 21:35

I'd definitely go for a simple "ok" message too

RedJubbly · 10/05/2017 21:36

You should nod your head and agree. She is their mother.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 10/05/2017 21:37

Just had a quick google search about glitter/hair/removal.

My opinion on this topic was somewhat changed by this.

Removing this stuff seems to be a potentially rather time intensive process.

It was a school night and there was no real need to add the glitter, was there?

Yes, her response was rude.

but who knows, maybe she had a super diffuclt day at work and came home only to be removing glitter for the next hour (for example)!

TyneTeas · 10/05/2017 21:38

I'd go with what Northern said